Funny / The Good Wife

  • Remember, ladies and gentlemen, "Ho Ho Ho".
  • Kalinda giving Alicia her change of address.
    Alicia Florrick: What's this?
    Kalinda Sharma: Change of address.
    Alicia Florrick: For who?
    Kalinda Sharma: Me.
    Alicia Florrick: Oh, I, I don't think I even have your old address.
    Kalinda Sharma: Well, now you have my new one.
    Alicia Florrick: I feel like we've grown closer together.
    Kalinda Sharma: Okay, give it back.
    Alicia Florrick: Oh, no, no, no, this is going in my copy of Eat, Pray, Love.
    [Kalinda reaches for the paper and Alicia slaps her hand away from it]
    Kalinda Sharma: Ow!
  • Attorney David Lee's reaction to the discussion over bringing old equity partners back, in order to have enough votes to oust Bond (in the episode Great Firewall):
    Lockhart: We thought having two more votes would get us over the top, so we approached two of the senior citizens who were still in the logs as equity partners.
    (Lee starts cracking up, the others just look annoyed)
    Gardner: Okay David, we get it, we get it.
    Lee: No, I don't think you do. You couldn't have scripted it better... So what happened did one of them die?
    (others look glum)
    (Lee realizes that that's exactly what happened and just starts cracking up again with the most hilarious face)
    Lockhart: Yesterday.
    • In that same episode, when they have the vote to kick Diane out, and the vote to kick Bond out afterwards. Especially funny is Julius sitting & smiling politely whilst Bond expects him to vote to remove Diane, leaving Bond without enough votes to kick her out; and David Lee making the motion to kick Bond out of the firm, and he gets Bond's office for his "second" secretary.
  • Childs's voice coming out of a lion when Childs was on speakerphone in Andrew Wiley's apartment.
    • Cary's nonplussed reaction is pretty funny too.
  • After telling her mother-in-law that she no longer wants her in her home, Alicia goes to Zack and tells him to grab his coat, he's getting a car so Grandma no longer has to pick him and Grace up. It takes a moment for him to process the statement, and he races out of his room.
  • Alicia has been concerned about a search for condoms in her search browser. Zack checks the history and discovers that it was Jackie. Alicia and Zack share looks.
    Alicia: We never speak of this again.
    • From the same episode, Kalinda's test to see how clearly a witness could hear someone yelling with earplugs in. Her bored expression really sells it.
    Kalinda I'm not being murdered! I'm just screaming in the hallway!
  • Alicia and Peter have sex in his gubernational campaign trailer, as Eli Gold arrives. He notices the trailer rocking and is understandably a bit concerned that his candidate is doing a Bill Clinton... until the door opens and Alicia walks out, saying:
    Don't worry, it's just the wife.
  • When Kalinda discovers new information about the client-of-the-week, a stripper:
    Will: Your stripper was hooking.
    Diane: Why is she my stripper when she does something bad?
  • After a Jewish student is murdered (and has a swastika carved into him) and a Muslim student is arrested for the crime, Eli uses Lockhart Gardner's defense of the Muslim suspect to manipulate the Jewish League Fund into bringing their business to him. When the killer is revealed to be a different Muslim student, the victim's ex, Eli fields a call from his newest clients:
    Eli: "Is it good for the Jewish League Fund?"? I don't know. A Muslim was the killer, but he was also gay and sleeping with our guy so...I would call that a classic 'mixed message'. If it helps our cause, I can find out if he’s a top?
  • Diane has Kalinda do an investigation on herself, as she's considering becoming a judge. Kalinda finds out that Diane's internet account uploaded a Vampire Diaries smutfic, and reads an excerpt.
    • Also from 'The Wheels of Justice,' Colin Sweeney's girlfriend takes the stand to provide his alibi. The reaction shots from Will, Alicia, and AS A Hellinger really sell it.
    Will: And what were you doing there?
    Isobel Swift (emotionless): Anal.
  • Will questioning a sweet older woman named Nana Joe in a trial over ballot boxes. He says her medication commonly used for Alzheimer's patients suggests her memory is faulty and uses her inability to remember her husband's birthday as proof:
    Will: Nana, when's your husband's birthday? (Nana Joe reaches for her purse) You don't know, do you?
    Nana Joe: I'm checking my datebook.
    Will: Yes, but off the top of your head, you don't know. Isn't it possible, ma'am, that you forgot that Mr.Buckley told you he wanted the ballots moved?
    Nana Joe: I don't forget things.
    Will: Things like your husband's birthday?
    Nana Joe: (bursts out crying) I just want to go home! Can I go home?
    Will: (looks concerned) Can you remember your address?
  • Alicia and Will's drawn-out sniping in season 5. A highlight from Goliath and David - Will raises objection after objection in court to throw Alicia off her flow, something he knows she hates. In retaliation, she changes into the same dress she wore the first night they slept together, completely flustering him. And when he tries to call her out on it:
    Will: So you decided to change?
    Alicia: Yep. Into what I wore the night you banged me the first time.
    Will: That was pretty low of you.
    Alicia: I know. I wasn't so discriminating back then.
  • Also from Goliath and David, the tie-in video of the cast dancing to "Tricky Trick".
  • The ongoing bitch-off between Veronica and Jackie (Alicia and Peter's mothers). A sample exchange:
    Jackie: I'm so glad you decided to visit. Zach and Grace were wondering about their other grandmother.
    Veronica: I heard you nearly died, Jackie.
    Jackie: A stroke from helping out with the kids, by myself.
    Veronica: Well, at least you got a young companion out of it. How much does he charge?
    Jackie: $40 an hour. You should consider it. You won't have to go begging for male attention.
    Veronica: Yes, paying for it does seem to run in your family.
  • David Lee's reaction to Diane firing a client who demanded to see them on the day that Will was killed.
    Diane: That felt good.
    David: It turned me on.
  • In "Breaking Fast," Eli is watching a YouTube video of Owen, Alicia's brother, making a remark about how he thinks Peter isn't comfortable with him being gay. Eli does a Spit Take, then throws a book at a door in his panic.
    • Eli gives another spit take in the middle of Alicia's party when Marilyn says that she's naming her baby Peter.
    • "Lemond Freakin' Bishop!"
  • Zach and Becca bring a bit of evidence that can damage Glenn Childs and get Peter the election gains he needs to stay in the race and bring it to Eli. To their faces, he maintains a very neutral face. He excuses himself to a closet where he joyously punches the air, his hair flying out of place in the process.
  • In a depressing yet darkly humorous moment that breaks even Kalinda's ability to hide things: She's attempting to leave Lockhart-Gardner because Alicia's learned that she slept with Peter before his publicized affair. Her new boss says that her job would immediately place her in the State's Attorney's office, working with Peter. Kalinda can't help but break into hysterical laughter. Needless to say, Kalinda goes back to Lockhart-Gardner.
  • If it involves Elsbeth Tascioni, it's likely to be here, as she's a Bunny-Ears Lawyer Cloudcuckoolander. Early script notes describe her as "having twelve thoughts at a time, ten of which are good."
    • In one episode, she asks a random question, and when someone asks why, she admits that she just asks questions until something makes sense. As we see, this is surprisingly effective.
  • Alicia decides that "life's is too short not to be honest" with Mike Kresteva.
    Alicia: Well, this has been fun. Die choking on your own blood.
  • Eli once again finding himself among mere mortals in 6x03.
    "Mrs Florrick here to see you."
    (With Alicia standing in front of him) THANK YOU, NORA, YOU PRE-COGNITIVE ABILITIES AMAZE ME!
  • A very dark example from ‘Sticky Content’, when Media specialist Josh Mariner is working on Alicia’s campaign ad, adding footage from the courtroom Will was shot in:
    Josh: Go to the Irish music.
    (Assistant adds upbeat Irish music.)
    Great, yeah, that’s it, a-a festive courthouse shooting! What are you an idiot? The Irish wake music, the keening music.
    (Somber Irish music playing)
    Good.
  • Roughly any scene involving the NSA phone surveillance guys. They send Screamer Pranks and funny videos to each other and find listening in on Alicia's phone conversations all kinds of fun, to the point where they visibly Squee at finding a specious excuse to tap her again after being forced off.
  • In season 7 episode "Lies", when Alicia has to call someone who's on the NSA watchlist, and has very specific rules for his own safety for people that call him, which include calling from a disposable cell phone, drawing all the blinds, locking herself in her room... among other things.
    Alicia: I did everything Cary said. Can I get out from under the blanket now?
  • When Jackie and Howard announce they're engaged, Peter is jarred, Eli horrified and Alicia reacts the only way she can: Helpless and non-stop laughter.
  • A lawyer keeps pulling out some truly bizarre metaphors that baffle everyone.
    Lawyer: It's like putting a horse's saddle on a Model T Ford!
    Judge: Okay, I don't even know what that's supposed to be mean.
  • Just before he is due to go to prison for drugs offences, Cary's "prison adviser" (an ex-con hired to advise him on life inside) advises him to 'make some memories' with Kalinda. When they are a bit slow in actually doing that, we get this line from the adviser.
    Less talking, more sex!
  • Monica tells Diane and David how a former client may be coming back.
    Monica: We should emphasize how much we stress diversity.
    David: We should get that crippled guy on it...
    Diane: Oh, Dear God...