The opening titles, which show a curtain and the sound of an orchestra tuning, features introductions by Doug Walker talking in an exaggeratedly deep voice about the film to be shown. He always concludes each opening with some strange sound.
Mr. Bungle's Lunch-Room Manners
At the beginning of the PSA...
"Remember when you asked your kid what they did today and they said 'nothing'? This is the nothing they're talking about."
"Because it's the 1950s, and we haven't acknowledged drugs existed yet."
"Millions of tax dollars and five PhDs to tell you to how to eat lunch."
Film narrator:(about the puppet show) It was fun to watch. Doug and Rob:(monotone) Yaaaay.
Later:
Film narrator: Phil and his friends wouldn’t like to have a Mr. Bungle at their table. Then lunchtime wouldn't be as much fun as it is. Doug and Rob:(monotone) Wheeee.
As Mr. Bungle pushes everyone in line out of the way to get to the front of the line...
Doug continuously imitating Phil when he does something to avoid being like Mr. Bungle.
Doug and Rob chiding Phil in the bathroom for the extremes he goes to to avoid being like Mr. Bungle, such as washing his hands with LOTS of soap ("God, kid! Howard Hughes didn't use that much!") and combing his hair (not that he has that much there) nice and neat ("What hair?! Charlie Brown had more hair than that!").
Doug and Rob react to a very large slice of the cake Phil grabs.
"Damn! Damn, kid! Would you like some meal with your cake?!"
This:
Narrator: Phil would rather be like Freddie than like Mr. Bungle. Doug: GOT IT!
This:
Narrator: While Phil and his friends ate, a boy ran past their table. (The lunch lady spots him and stops him.) Narrator: "You shouldn't run in the lunchroom. Only Mr. Bungle would do that." Doug: CRUCIFY THE BUNGLER! Rob: HANG HIM BY HIS UNCLEAN HANDS!
This, as everyone at the lunch table finishes their lunch:
Narrator: Everyone at the table cleaned his own place well. (They notice another table.) Narrator: But look at that table! Doug: I smell a Bungle... Narrator: It was left very messy. Doug and Rob:(both gasp exaggeratedly)
Boys Beware
As Ralph, a homosexual man, treats Jimmy, a teenage boy, to a Coke at a drive-in...
Narrator: During their conversation, [Ralph] told several off color jokes, but Jimmy had heard others before, and, well, it made him feel big to so easily win the confidence of an older person.
Doug!Stranger: Ya hear the one about the black, Jewish, female Polack who wasn’t a human being?
Doug!Jimmy: It’s the 1950s. That’s every joke I hear.
Another homosexual man is wearing a tuxedo for some odd reason while playing basketball with a teen boy. Having reviewed The Room (2003) in which Tommy Wiseau’s character Johnny plays football with his friends while all wearing tuxedos, Doug mimics, “I play in my tux because I went to the Tommy Wiseau School of Sports. Haha haha.”
Superman
At the beginning of the short, Doug introduces the "plot"
Man: Up in the sky, look!
Woman: It's a bird!
Man: It's a plane! It's Superman!
Doug: Yes, Superman, the man of steel, the son of Krypton. Disguised as mild-mannered reporter Clark Kent, Superman spends most of his time trying to get nookie with Lois Lane, but she won't put out until he marries. So they got married and lives in his Fortress of Sexitude, but then they discover that Superman couldn't get it up in the sky. The man of steel was a floppy deal. Lois was crushed and wanted a divorce, but Superman refused to pay alimony and wanted custody of the kids, but Superman couldn't get custody because of his uncontrollable addiction to jager bombs. Superman tried to break in and steal his kids, but he was so drunk that he accidentally broke into the home of Bruce Wayne who fought him off with his Kryptonite nunchucks. Thus Superman spends most of his days punching his dog Krypto, drinking himself into an oblivion while Lois stands on the edge of rooftops and cries.
As we get a worm's-eye view of the Mad Scientist's somewhat penile shaped layer, Doug riffs, "Meanwhile, at the Museum of Phallic Looking Buildings, the Little Mermaid poster is being put on display."
As the Mad Scientist turns on his machine, his vulture watches with excitement as bubbles flow through its clear pipes, prompting this:
Doug!Vulture:(stoner voice) Whoa! The bubbles are alive, man!
The arrival of Lois to the Mad Scientist's lair forces him to turn off the machine briefly while he goes to meet her at the door:
Doug!Mad Scientist: You know, I just want to blow one metropolitan city, and suddenly, everybody wants a quote from you. Doug!Vulture:I'm so ticked off that I'm molting!
As the Mad Scientist takes Lois captive, there's this:
Mad Scientist: So, you want a story? I'll give you the greatest story of destruction the world has ever known! Doug!Mad Scientist:I'm going to bring backJersey Shore. Don't try to stop me, it's already begun!
As Superman punches the light from the villain's death ray, Doug mocks, "Superman fights off the mighty beam of light by simply punching it. Remember, kids, brute violence always wins over scientific understanding."
Opening on the titles, which features a distribution tag from McGraw-Hill Book Company...
Doug:(imitating Quick Draw McGraw) Quick Draw McGraw here! I'm here to talk about ostracizing others in the name of conformity!
On the title itself, "The Snob":
Doug: The Brad Jones Story! Brad: How you too can make a living selling porn.
As Sarah writes, there is a knock at the door; it's her mother...
Doug!Sarah's mother: Are you doing math in there? Brad!Sarah: No. Doug!Sarah's mother: Are you planning to commit suicide? Brad!Sarah: Maybe. Doug!Sarah's mother: Good, as long as it's not math.
As Sarah does algebra, Doug says, as Sarah's mother, "Just remember, X equals lonely old cat lady."
As Sarah writes, the riffers take turns wondering what she's writing...
Doug!Sarah: "Dear Mr. Disney, I think Cubby may have touched me inappropriately. Please alert the other Mouseketeers." Brad!Sarah: "P.S., I think Donald is a Nazi."
