Funny / Splinter Cell

  • When you encounter General Kong Feirong for the last time in the first game, Sam's lines are just golden.
    Fisher: "Not in the face."
    (After Feirong has died upon accessing his computer)
  • Sam's interrogation techniques are often funnier than they have any right to be. Same thing with his victims.
    Guard: Wow! A real... live... ninja!
  • Some of the information Sam gets when interrogating a guard is hilarious enough to make you want to spare the guy. This one from Double Agent is made all the funnier because the guard has a very heavy Russian accent:
    Sam: This is not your lucky day.
    Mercenary: Kill me if you want, I tell you nothing.
    Sam: I respect your loyalty to your captain.
    Mercenary: The captain? You're after that pig? Why didn't you say so?
    Sam: Start with what you don't like about him.
    Mercenary: He drinks! Like a fish! And then he turns into raving lunatic!
    Sam: What's he like when he's not drinking?
    Mercenary: He's asleep.
    And if you force more answers out of him:
    Mercenary: (Hopefully) Are you going to kill him?
    Mercenary: Are you going to kill me?
  • In second to last mission of the first Splinter Cell, when you blow up a truck with unassembled nuclear weapon components inside two guards outside will be alarmed and will run to the source of explosion. Suddenly one of them stumbles and comically falls flat on his face before getting up.
  • At the end of Pandora Tomorrow, Sam needs to disarm a smallpox bomb and doesn't have time to do it himself. He improvises by taking advantage of American airport security procedures and leaving it out in the open in a crowded airport with its countdown clearly visible, leading to an evacuation and its disposal via remote-controlled robot.
  • In Chaos Theory, there's a bonus objective where you have to hack some cameras so that Grim can keep an eye on the bad guys after you leave.
    Grim: Thanks Sam, I can't wait to sniff around in Displace's laundry basket.
    Sam: Ugh...
    Grim: What?
  • Michael Ironside did a interview on Double Agent and had a couple of funny lines.
    I was on a plane going to London, and I asked for a coffee. And I heard someone go Sam Fisher, and I'm going, what? And I look up and there's this guy in an undone three piece suit going, You're Sam Fisher, and I went, No, I'm...I'm, wait a second I guess I am.
    Sam Fisher could have been very two dimensional. He could have been very flat, cardboard, finish him...squiiick.
  • How about this conversation from Sam's Navy SEAL days?
    Vic: My kids never draw me pictures or write or anything.
    SEAL: They don't write 'cause you can't read, man.
    Vic: Laugh it up. But when I get out of here-
    Sam: You're going to kindergarten?
    SEAL: You know I hear that they've got entrance exams in kindergarten now, Sam... I dunno if Vic's gonna make it in.
  • Sam needs someone (the vice president of the United States) to stay where they are without killing them in Conviction. ("SECURE") How does he do it? He nonchalantly blasts both of his kneecaps with his pistol, of course.
  • In Conviction, taking a hostage near a wall will give Sam the option of smashing their head into it. Smash an enemy's head into a light switch and it will turn the light off. Bonus funny points if Sam's randomly chosen comment is "Lights out".
    • Another of his Bond One Liners after a wall smash: "Yeah, you'll definitely have to pay for sex now."
  • Most of the interactions between Grimmsdotir and Sam in Chaos Theory that poke fun at the gulf in their ages. Case in point:
    Sam: Lasers? Lasers are so...
    Grimm: Nineties?
    Sam: I was going to say 'Seventies'. Could you please stop making me feel old?
    Grimm I have bad news for you, Sam. You are old.
  • Some of the guards have some very odd conversations.
    DPRK Soldier #1: You said there were eight crates in the delivery, but I only see seven.
    DPRK Soldier #2: What you do you mean 'seven'?
    DPRK Soldier #1: As in one less than eight.
    DPRK Soldier #2: Well, the bill of lading said there were eight.
    DPRK Soldier #1: Did you count?
    DPRK Soldier #2: Uh, well...not exactly...
    DPRK Soldier #1: Not exactly? It's just not that hard to count eight giant crates!
  • In Blacklist, the Action Prologue shows Charlie and Sam talking after a very serious situation. When Sam brings up Sarah, Charlie asks if she's still single. Sam's reaction is a Death Glare that shuts him up. Overprotective Dad at its finest.
  • Kobin. Even after saving Fourth Echelon's asses twice and helping them with black market intel in Blacklist, he still gets locked up in a cell aboard Paladin.
    • When you first meet Kobin in Blacklist, he's being subjected to Electric Torture. After you save him and he finds out it's Fisher, you can tell he would keep being tortured rather than meet Sam again
    • What's more, when Sam first shows up, Kobin doesn't believe that he's there to help him. As Sam prepares to rescue him, Kobin gets an Aside Glance:
    Kobin: "Holy shit, he is here to save me."
    • Even funnier is how Sam treats Kobin like a misbehaved dog through his rescue telling him things like "sit" and, in case you get discovered and reinforcements are sent after you, a very stern "stay".
  • In Blacklist's second Briggs co-op mission, Sam and Briggs capture two suspects. While Sam is interrogating his, Briggs' manages to free himself and snatch his gun, now holding Briggs at gunpoint. Sam seems more exasperated by this than anything.
    Sam: Seriously, Briggs!
    • Even funnier, this can happen to Sam himself in the same mission.
    Sam: Well, now this is embarrassing.
  • Sam's encounter with the old man next door to Zherkezhi's apartment in Chaos Theory is nothing short of awkwardly amusing given the man's senile chatter and jovial manner. It's very much an odd exchange between them, even more so than many of the others listed on this page; The real topper is when you find out that your mystery man "Dvorak" isn't even a man, but the massive computer entrusted to the old man in question.
  • One of the briefings for one of the side missions in Blacklist is pretty amusing. Evidently, working for VORON too long will make you...weird.
    Grimsdottir: A VORON agent in Chile reached out to one of our people, offering to defect and provide intel on VORON operations in South America. SMI gives this a high probability of being on the level. Apparently our walk-in says he wants to retire and worship the Great Penguin in peace. He...may be a little burned out.
  • Rescuing Kobin in Blacklist. After being tortured and then apparently rescued, Kobin realizes it's Sam there in what must have seemed like From Bad to Worse as he appropriately states "You gotta be fucking shitting me" in reaction. He then proceeds to try to create distance between the two in blatant fear by hopping away ineffectively, as he is tied to a chair.
    • Later on, Grim leaks Kobin's capture to see if they can flush out some kind of lead. Sam is not happy she did without authorization. Then they bring Kobin up and tell him the bad news. He wants to know how the bad guys found out.
    Sam, deadpan: Bad luck, I guess.
  • A sterling example of Black Comedy can be found in the finale of Blacklist, during Sadiq's torture of The Secretary of Defense.
    The Secretary of Defense, after having his fingers (and subsequently, his hand) removed: No! I'll give you what you want.
    Sadiq: ...You could have saved yourself a hand!