Funny / Sassy Gay Friend

• Macbeth:
  Lady Macbeth: (looks at camera) So are we, like, in a commercial now?
  Sassy Gay Friend: Mmm, yeah, kind of. You see, I have options too. I can not make money, or I can make money! Hey, these scarves don't pay for themselves.
  • Also:
  Lady Macbeth: My plan will work! Macbeth just needs to screw his courage to his sticking place!
  Sassy Gay Friend: No. He needs to screw his courage to your sticking place.
  Lady Macbeth: (gasps)
  Sassy Gay Friend: Yeah. I said it. Because, sister, you need a hobby or an orgasm, stat.
  • The friend pointing out the weirdness of the impetus for all this.
  Lady Macbeth: Macbeth is going to be king. He heard it from the three witches this morning.
  Sassy Gay Friend: Okay, first of all, stop getting your political news from crazy old women who live in the bushes.

• Romeo and Juliet:
  Sassy Gay Friend: "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?". Translation? "Desperate. Desperate. I am really desperate."
  • His reaction to Juliet telling him she slept with Romeo.
  Sassy Gay Friend: ...you big slut, good for you!

• Cyrano de Bergerac:
  Meet Cyrano de Bergerac. He feels that his large nose makes him unlovable and has given up on wooing his true love Roxanne, and helps his friend Christian woo her instead. This fate could've been avoided, if he'd had a Sassy Gay Friend...
  Cyrano: (mutters to Christian) My love grows.
  Christian: (shouts up at Roxanne) My love grows!
  Sassy Gay Friend: (appears out of nowhere) What, what, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
  Christian: What, what, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
  Cyrano: No!
  Sassy Gay Friend: Yes! You're very talented. (turns to Cyrano) Back to you.
  • "Roxanne has a stripper's name! Who is she to judge?"

• Great Expectations:
  Sassy Gay Friend: Why would you want to remember the worst moment of your life? I don't set my clocks to remind myself of the terrible night I spent with Jacob Marley!
  Ms. Havisham: Ewww!
  Sassy Gay Friend: "Ew" is right. Ugh. A lot of chains, totally weird. And he's a ghost... which is why I want to forget about it!
  • Later, we get this glorious pun:
  Ms. Havisham: I've been so cruel...
  Sassy Gay Friend: Well, you have been a total dick...ens character.

• Black Swan:
  Nina: Is this heaven?
  Sassy Gay Friend: No. It's the hospital. In heaven, Annette Bening wins the Oscar for The Kids Are All Right! What, WHAT, what were you doing?!
  • And also:
  Sassy Gay Friend: Buy some nail clippers!
  Nina: I can't!
  Sassy Gay Friend: THEY ARE NINETY-NINE CENTS AT CVS!!

• The Giving Tree:
  Giving Tree: He needed my branches to make a house.
  Sassy Gay Friend: Yeah, and the guy from Silence of the Lambs needed fat girl skin to make a flesh suit. Doesn't mean we give it to him!
  • And then:
  Sassy Gay Friend: You're gonna end up a stump!
  Giving Tree: Yes! And he'll come back old and tired.
  Sassy Gay Friend: A-And what? You'll let him sit on your face? Gross, no!

• Henry VIII:
  • "Henry, you can't chop off the heads of everybody that annoys you! If I did that, there'd be a whole bunch of necks working at the DMV and only three Desperate Housewives."