- Herr Muller: "You fucking cheat! You fucking looked at my fucking cards you fucking cheat!"
- The Walton's Gang member Link Huston that can be found in the Armadillo saloon and as a bounty target has some really funny lines. He's about the only bounty target that, instead of shouting angry insults or threats at you when catching him and bringing him back to jail will instead laugh and make suggestive comments, such as remarking about you tying him up and saying he'll give you a kiss if you let him go. He's also the one you hear randomly shouting "Scum licker!" and "III'M coming for YOU!". Pick a fight with the guy and he may shout "Put it in me, come on, put it in me!" If you shoot Link and he runs for cover, it's both funny and sad as he might shout "DON'T HIT ME, MOMMY! DON'T HIT ME!"
- Also, when you've become so famous that people everywhere recognizes you and addresses you with name, bump into Link and he'll say "Oh Mr. Marston. Excuse me, Mr. Marston!" in a rather suggestive tone as well. That or "Kiss me. You won't regret it. Hehehe!"
- The mission "Who Are You To Judge?" has John retrieving a loved one named Lucy for a guy named Jeb. Turns out that Lucy is a horse. When you deliver her back to Jeb, the cowgirl that was looking after her says THIS:
"Life out here does funny things to people. I should know; my daddy kept goats."
- Your second encounter with Sam Odessa:
John: California is in the west. Just follow the setting sun.
Sam: (walks away) *snort* "setting sun"...
- It's pretty damn funny when you've spent the whole game fighting to be reunited with your family, to the point that when you finally get to ride up to the door of your home, most players probably expected a teary eyed and relieved Abigail to come greet him... instead the first thing she does is to run in fury towards John, immediately pounding away on him while shouting "You no-good, hillbilly piece of shit! I thought you was dead! I thought you was dead, John! Where have you been, huh? Where have you been?!" which makes you immediately wonder if you go through all that trouble only to find that John is a Henpecked Husband, (but fortunately she calms down).
- Marston finds Irish trying to rob a pair of nuns in Thieves' Landing.
Irish: *points gun at Marston* Who the hell are you?
Marston: *takes gun from Irish* I'm your old friend, amnesia. *pistol whip*
- West Dickens giving instructions to the crew for the assault on Fort Mercer.
West Dickens: Marshals of the law, when the shooting starts take that as your cue to....start awarding each other medals.
- "You get the smelly end!"
- John when releasing a hogtied person: "I'm going straight to Heaven for this!"
- Step 1. Travel to Torquemada. Step 2. Start pushing people. Step 3. Run to the far right side (besides the Five Finger Fillet table) and jump over the wall there, then go as close to the edge as possible. Step 4. Stand and watch while the people you pushed tries to chase you but instead ends up sending themselves screaming and plummeting down a 300 feet canyon wall. (Just don't push soldiers, you'll become Wanted and they'll shoot you instead).
- The Dev Team Thinks of Everything when it comes to abusing the physics engine; it's both entirely possible and freaking hilarious to push someone over a railing in this game, especially someone leaning or sitting on the rail itself. A fall from a second-story building won't necessarily kill the victim, but watching the reaction is comedy gold, as NPCs don't get a lot of chances to simply to fall off a ledge in this game. It's therefore possible to push a prostitute off the balcony of the saloon in Armadillo.
- Likewise, it's entirely possible that you'll discover that leaping off the balcony onto your horse will let you ride it.
- John really doesn't like the automobile that he's riding in with Ross and Fordham, especially after it breaks down, leaving them open to an attack.
John: So much for this automobile of yours. If this is the future, God help us all.
Ross: It's not the automobile. A bad workman shouldn't blame his tools. Perhaps if Mr. Fordham maneuvered it with a little more finesse...
Fordham: I was trying to escape an ambush, sir!
John: Even if it was runnin' fine, they'd still have caught us. I can walk faster than this piece of crap! Give me a horse any day.
- In the early sidequest "Jenny's Faith" we get this gem of an exchange:
Jenny: Faith can move mountains. That's what it's all about.
John: You're trying to move a mountain?
- Rob a place and John might randomly shout "TAXMAN'S HERE!"
- "I GUESS THIS MAKES ME A GUNMAN!" After slaughtering dozens.
- The game actually rewards Video Game Cruelty Punishment: kidnap a woman, hogtie her, put her on some railroad tracks, and let an incoming train smash her to bits. You'll get a trophy/achievement for this.
- At the end of the mission "The Prodigal Son Returns (To Yale)", McDougal hugs John goodbye to which John's body language just says "Ugh."
- If a thief attempts to steal your horse, you can simply whistle and the horse will throw the thief off and return to you.
- Marston shouting at the victim of a cannibal: "You broke this poor fool's leg!"
- While riding with Seth:
Seth: (to himself) Have you looked in the cave, Seth? (In weird, feminine voice) No, it's very dark.
John: What did you say?
Seth: I-I didn't say nothin'.
John: I just heard you say something.
Seth: You're a crazy man. You should get that head looked at.
John: Seth, I need someone who can get a wagon inside Fort Mercer. I was told you could help me, but I'm not sure you even know what day it is.
Seth: I don't. I can't even tell you what year it is.
John: I knew this was a waste of time.
- Your first meeting with Vicente de Santa and the Mexican government:
De Santa: What do you want, gringo? What are you doing here? Have you heard, there's a war going on?
Marston: My name is John Marston. I've been sent here to retrieve a couple of men. Can I speak to your commander?
De Santa: You want to talk to my boss, gringo?
Marston: I guess.
De Santa: Because I am not good enough for you?
Marston: No, sir.
De Santa: You think you're better than me? You come to my country, my poor little country, and you think you can be friends with the president?
Marston: No, sir. I am sorry, sir. Things must have come out wrong. Maybe you can help me?
De Santa: You'll be sorry, friend... (starts laughing) Relax, amigo. Relax. (still laughing) I had you.
Marston: Sure, somewhere between the threatening stare and the soldiers armed to the teeth, yeah, yeah you had me.
De Santa: Welcome to Mexico, amigo!
- This exchange between John and Irish:
John: Now, Irish. That machine gun of yours don't work. I find that very upsetting, don't you?
Which is why I was coming to see you when the drink got the better of me!
- In your first mission in Mexico you will, among other things, be asked by Landon Ricketts to shoot some bottles to practice your aim. Next to this is a drunk man sitting and drinking from a bottle that you can also shoot (the bottle that is). Doing this will cause the man to shout in a very upset voice: "Pinche gringo de mierdaaa!" ("Fucking American piece of shit!")
- A lot of Marston's taunts in Mexico are this, due to his limited Spanish vocabulary.
- "JOHN. MARSTON! REMEMBER MI NOMBRE!"
- "I'M GONNA KILL ALL OF YOU! TODO!"
- "YOU'RE ALL GONNA BE MUERTO!"
- "You must be the pendejos I keep hearin' about!"
- If you see a person taking a piss in the wilderness and go up close to him, he will understandably get mad and start yelling you out.
- A personal example, I had just maxed out my Honor by helping the horsefucker, so I decided to go get the "Dastardly" achievement, since nobody would report me for tying someone up. I tied a woman up in Armadillo, and tossed her on the tracks. Seconds later, a nun came up, honoring me, and gave me a rosary that made me less likely to be hit by bullets. Next to the tied up prostitute. This alone was hilarious. However, after waiting, the train showed up. Seconds later, a man whose horse was stolen ran up to me... and stood on the tracks. A bit further back, two men on horseback were crossing the tracks. The second was hit by the train and exploded into gibs. The idiot standing on the tracks was hit and exploded into gibs. Finally, the woman was hit by the train and exploded into gibs. Best. Timing. Ever.
- Gameplay and Story Segregation kicks in when you can spend the entire game having John shoot hundreds of animals and he then tells his son Jack in one of the final missions to "Only kill what you need."