Considering that this is an Affectionate Parody of the original game, some funny moments are going to be obvious.
Chapter 1: Sign of the Northern Cross
- Claude's interviews with the would-be members of Squad E are definitely worth a few laughs:
- Emmy joined the Ranger Corps because it pays well, which Claude replies that the same can be said for bank robbery. Emmy admits that she had that as a back-up plan.
- Aoife flirting with Kai, much to the latter's surprise.
- Stanley making an opening joke and getting a cold reception.
- Rita joins because she heard about cute, single guys.
- Minerva's detailed Disapproving Look when Claude shows up late for the meeting.
- Her description of the Federation's status in the war when compared to the Empire is depressingly accurate, but amusing as well:Minerva: We’re losing, on account of the Empire having nearly limitless supplies, millions of troops, tens of thousands of armored units, a powerful industrial base, a centralized command structure, and the initiative... whereas we mostly have a sense of self-righteousness, helmets that don’t look like we’re about to enter a jousting tournament, and a slightly more egalitarian recruitment process.
Christel: Your miniskirt has been a morale booster, ma’am! - Then she announces the top brass' best plan, "Operation: Sign of the Northern Cross", which is, true to canon, gathering all the forces charging towards the Imperial captial. In this story, however, it's met with some criticism, namely that it's basically the same mission that ruined Napoléon's military career due to the winter, the logistical nightmare and Claude throwing his two cents in about the Empire simply moving their seat of command to another city and keep fighting from there, much to Minerva's frustration.Minerva: Christ, I said this was High Command’s best plan, not that it was an objectively good plan.
- After interviewing a young devotee, an alcholic and an apparent axe murderer, Mabel Drake is the last person to be interviewed. It went well, and she presented herself in professional manner... which makes Claude all the more suspicious and demands to know what her problem is. After much pressing, Raz and Kai relent.Raz: All the other recruits hate her. And I do mean all of them.
Claude: And there it is! Why do they all hate her?
Kai: She’s... difficult.
Raz: She’s got a huge stick up her-
Kai: She’s got some pretty high standards, even for the Ranger Corps, and gets testy when someone doesn’t live up to them. Given that the other candidates are...
Claude: ...A pack of weirdos?
Kai: They don’t really get along. - Claude then goes off to see if Minerva has had any better luck with her recruiting, and surely enough:Minerva: I have had the best luck! Suck it, Claude. Also, you’re late.
Claude: This isn't a scheduled meeting.
Minerva: I'm too happy to care.- She proceeds to present what she considers "the true elite of the Federation"... which are the generic soldiers who all look alike, apart from Ronald. When Claude brings this up, Minerva scoffs and has her men show of their individuality.
Soliders: I AM A UNIQUE SNOWFLAKE, SIR!
Ronald: I’m not. I just drive the tank. - After that, Claude makes the decision to take all of the people he interviewed, much to Raz and Kai's shock.Raz: You’re taking all of them?
Claude: They’re the best available, so yes.
Kai: Including the alcoholic.
Claude: Yes.
Kai: And the woman who’s obviously hiding something.
Claude: Mmm-hmm.
Kai: And the axe-murd-
Claude: Yes! I said they were the best available, not that I love the idea. Trust me, we want these guys.
Chapter 2: Ain't No Krest for the Wicked
- The beginning of the chapter differs greatly from the game. Namely, the part where Christel utters a single phrase with Claude responding with another. Here, she spooks the tightly-wound soldiers and gets herself shot. Minerva is less than unamused and Claude tries to difuse the situation.Claude: Look, I’m just saying, if we wanted to avoid this situation, maybe our secret code shouldn’t be a one-syllable exclamation uttered by someone hiding in the bushes.
Minerva: Don’t even start with me, Claude. I outrank you. I literally don’t have to take your sass.
Claude: But I do have to supply it.
Minerva: Oh my God, please just shut up. - Christel's attempt in getting a kiss from Minerva is cut short by Rebecca.
- Claude asks the scouts how fortified Fort Krest is, and Nico enthusiastically replies that it is a huge castle full of machine guns, snipers, giant cannons and a moat. What follows is highly hiliarious.Kai: She’s young. That’s probably an exaggeration.
(One Hour Later)
Raz: (ducking behind cover from a line of machine gun fire) Dammit, it wasn’t an exaggeration!- It gets even better:
Raz: Claude, man, we’re ass-deep in enemies here! What do we do?
Claude: (over the radio) What did you say, Raz? I can’t hear you over the sound of all the gunfire hitting the tank.
Raz: That’s kinda my point. The troops are close to panicking.
Vancey: I’m not!
Raz: The sober troops are close to panicking. - Claude believes that the enemy can't fire forever, so he suggests they wait until they either run out of ammunition or their weapons to overheat and then attack, with Raz agreeing with him. However...(17 Hours Later)
Raz: Alright, I’m starting to think we just don’t know how guns work.
Claude: Yeah, I'm kinda impressed. - Claude notices that the wooden panel they're hidden behind is still withstanding the seemingly endless barrage of gunfire, and Kai explains that the panel is made from the North European Invincible Oak, which the vikings used while conquering the new world. Claude inevitably asks how they were able to cut it down if its invincible.
- Raz asks the Imperials why they don't take a break from the endless firing or at least hit the latrine. They take turns and have more than enough buckets. Raz is natrually grossed out, which soon turns to anger when the Imperials remark that it "almost smells as bad as a pair of Darcsen up here."
- The Cinderella reference comes up, but this time, Claude mocks the speaker.Claude: Lady, I don’t know what kind of weird LARPing you’re doing, but this is a combat zone. You need to leave before you get hurt.
- And the eventual reveal of said speaker:
?: Alright, hang on boys and girls… Riley Miller’s here to save the day!
Claude: (feels his blood running cold)
Raz: Did she say her name was- - The Imperials get the full force of the mortar fire, some of which has hit in places they hoped it never would:Imperial: Oh God no! She hit the buckets! It’s everywhere!
- After the fight is over, Raz manages to tempt fate twice, much to Claude's annoyance:Raz: That... that kinda sucked, man. I’m just glad it’s over.
Claude: Goddammit it, you had to jinx it, didn’t you?
Raz: What? What other drama is going to pop up?
Riley: (venomously) Well, well, well… Claude Wallace staring impotently at a life-consuming inferno. Sure brings back memories, doesn’t it? - Claude mocking Riley's rank of Science Officer:Claude: Okay, Spock. You do know that ‘general mathematics’ isn’t a rank, right?
Riley: It isn't?
Chapter 3: A Little Fall of Reine
- Claude notes down in his journal about the progress on "Operation: Sign of the Northern Cross", while adding at the end that Riley has not been easier to deal with.
- For those who are familiar with the game, this bit needs no introduction:Claude: So, Raz, what’s the T-minus on you going to hit on the navy lieutenant?
Kai: You were too slow, Claude. He’s already off.
Claude: Damn. Better report in, then. - Claude reaching to the command tent and getting the typical response from Minerva:Minerva: You're late, Claude.
Claude: Seems to be a theme today. - Then there's the matter of the CO:Claude: Is that our new CO coming this way? Are we allowed to talk about his-
Minerva: Don't say it.
Claude: Giant forehead?
Minerva: Dammit, Claude, I can't unsee that. - The CO delivers the orders that their squads are to reclaim the town of Reine, which is under Imperial control hand has a large tank platoon. Claude and Minerva are clearly uneasy about it, although for different reasons.Minerva: Sir, we’re a pair of infantry groups. Urban combat versus tanks is not really our forte…
Federation Officer: High Command insists it will be fine. Squad F, in particular, are charged with luring the bulk of their forces away from the town while Squad E infiltrates the city.
Minerva: (horrified) I’m going to get shot at while Claude gets his act together?
Federation Officer: Squad E, you’re tasked with infiltrating the city and marking the enemy tank positions. Once you have, you can radio their locations to our artillery group.
Claude: (equally horrified) Whoa, whoa, whoa… I’m going to get shot at while Riley gets her act together?
Riley: (mockingly) Aww, don’t be like that, Claude. It’ll be a learning experience. - After the briefing, Claude tells his squad that the town they will be liberating is called "Reine" and gives them permission to get the puns out of their system. The following results are quite predictable:So we’re launching a Reine of terror?
There’ll be Reine tomorrow night!
Who’s taking the the Reines of this joint operation?
We’ll be infiltrating through Reine’s pores.
If we win, we can celebrate by Singin’ in the Reine!
We’ll have to Reine it in, though.
Good thing they called in the Reine-gers. - Claude asks if anyone else has any puns to offer, and when no one else chimes in, he begins to ask another question... only for the straight laced Mabel to throw in a last-second pun of her own.
- Claude gets a jab in towards Raz before they start the mission:Raz: I scored a date with a navy officer. When can I say I’ll be free?
Claude: Is this the fat guy or the one who rejected you?
Raz: How did you know she rejected me?
Claude: Because you just told me. - A Running Gag in this chapter is someone attempting to make another Reine pun, only to be silenced by another character who says that's been done already.
- How did Curtis take care of the Imperials near the gate? He simply beat them up and chained them to a table. But, he treated their wounds and made coffee for them afterwards. Odd, but sweet in its own way.
- The squad managed to identify the tanks in the fog with some success. This is where things take a bad turn when Raz reveals he told Scott to radio in the locations of all of the tanks in the area:Claude: Scott? You told Scott to do this?
Raz: Yeah, but the jamming-
Claude: And your order was to send Riley the targeting information for every real tank in town? note
Raz: Y...yeah. (Beat) Oh shit.
Claude: Scott! Private Aldiss! You were on the radio with Lieutenant Miller just now?
Scott: Sir, yes sir!
Claude: Which tank location did you give her before you got cut off?
Scott: Sir, this one sir! The Hafen. It was the closest, sir! - Claude frantically orders the squad to retreat into the city to avoid the mortar fire, followed by the Imperials cheering as they retreat and plant a flag in the intersection.
- He finishes the roll call and checks back with Miles:Claude: Miles, what’s the status of the Hafen? Anything I need to know?
Miles: I think I peed a little!
Claude: That is not something I needed to know. - Claude's idea to use the signal towers comes up, but Kai gives him some snark in response:Claude: Kai, do you think you can flip the numbers on the signal towers from ground level? With your rifle, I mean?
Kai: Claude, while I’m flattered that you think I’m Annie Oakley now, I’m going to have to give that a solid maybe. Depends on wind speed, caliber, whether or not they locked the number panels in place, how rusty the hinges are-
Claude: Glad to hear it. I want you to flip each tower’s top numbers to read 715. Then, shoot the bell five times.
Kai: Uh, even assuming that each tower is just one number flip away, and that we can get into position to hit all the towers without getting killed by the Empire or our own confused friendly fire, that plan still requires me to fire eighteen times. I don’t carry more than three bullets on me, and I can only fire once per action.
Claude: No, Kai, this is a cutscene. You can do anything! - After the mission ends, Claude and Riley take the time to make some well-needed reconciliation... which is promptly interrupted by sounds of panic. Claude steps out the tent to see Reine burning to the ground.Claude: Right. Well, what’s all this, then?
Scott: Sir, Reine is on fire, sir!
Claude: No shit! How did it get that bad with none of us noticing? Or anyone putting the slightest effort into putting it out?
Scott: Napalm, sir. The entire city was ready to go up like a matchbox.
Claude: (livid) So, not content with killing our civilians, they’re killing theirs now too? Riley, can we arrange a firebreak or-
Riley: Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope. I'm out!
Claude: Ah, shit, the phobia. Riley! (chases after and catches her) Dammit, if it’s this bad, how do you work with high explosives?
Riley: I became a grenadier so that I could make fires happen somewhere else and not near me!
Claude: That… doesn’t make any sense.
Riley: Because phobias are logical now?
Claude: ...Alright, let’s… let’s just get back to base, then. Not a whole lot we can do about a napalm conflagration anyway. No sense in disrespecting it with cheap theatrics or limping humor. - Squad F watches Reine burn as well, and Ronald makes a comment that was really poor in taste:Ronald: I suppose you could say Reine's destruction was… precipitous?
Minerva: Jesus, Ronald. Read the room.
