Funny / Paul Williams

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• His guest appearance on The Muppet Show, alongside heartwarming versions of "An Old Fashioned Love Song" and "Sad Song", features some, if you will, evergreen classic moments of Muppet hilarity:
  "You know, when they asked me to do the show, I was delighted — I mean, this is a great show to do - I have a special reason to be very excited. You see, except for me, the entire cast is Muppets. Muppets are little, tiny things. For the first time in my life, no one will make jokes about how short I am; for the first time in my life, I am the tallest person on the show. [Sweetums, Thog, and one of the Mutations walk on stage] For the first time in my life, I will cry in front of thirty million people."
  • At the travel agency:
  Beautiful Day Monster: I want to go to Pittsburgh.
  Paul Williams: I can send you to Pittsburg first class on a supersonic jet for $764.
  Monster: You got anything cheaper?
  Williams: Well, I can send you to Pittsburgh coach class on a subsonic jet for 511.
  Monster: You got anything cheaper?
  Williams: I can send you to Pittsburgh excursion economy in an old prop job for about 398.
  Monster: You got anything cheaper?
  Williams: (starting to sound annoyed) Yeah. I could send you to Pittsburgh standing-room only on a broken-down old bus for about 75 bucks.
  Monster:(For the umpteenth time, in the same exact tone of voice) You got anything cheaper?
  Williams: (snarky chuckle) Yeah, I think I can work somethin' out for ya, pal.
  [Williams pulls a lever that brings down a 5,000-pound weight, flattening the Monster like a board of matzah]
  Williams: Hey Charlie, you wanna mail this to Pittsburgh? (tosses the Monster offstage like a Frisbee)
• Generally, any talk show appearance by Mr. Williams is bound to result in at least one memorably hilarious moment. In one of his many appearances on The Johnny Carson Show, he appeared in full Planet of the Apes make-up to promote Battle for the Planet of the Apes (in which he played Virgil), and even performing a song.
  "This is... seven months of nothing but banana daiquiris."
• When he accepted his Academy Award for co-writing "Evergreen" (from the 1976 remake of A Star Is Born), he admitted "I was going to thank all the little people, but then I realized I am the little people."
• "Upholstery" from Phantom of the Paradise is hilarious both on account of being an Affectionate Parody of early Beach Boys song tropes, and due to being a completely massacred, commercialized version of the song "Faust" from the same. The titular Phantom's reaction to it also counts.
  "Faust": "I was not myself last night / couldn't set things right with apologies or flowers..."
  "Upholstery": "I was not myself last night / lost a fight, my woodie barely running..."
• "Bad Guys" from Bugsy Malone is just such a delightfully irreverent indulgence in "evil"... as defined by, you know, little kids. And then there's Paul's Joisey accent...
  "We could have been anything that we wanted to be / with all the talent we had / with little training, we mastered complaining / Manners seemed unnecessary / we're so rude it's almost scary!"

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