- Perhaps his most famous bit is his KFC Famous Bowls routine. He even ended up creating an entirely separate routine years later about the response to it, including KFC creating a bobble head doll of Patton and sending one to him. Patton himself notes the Magnum Opus Dissonance with the bit.
Patton: I've tried to do material about deep, introspective, real stuff... and that's the one that got away from me.
- Patton tells the story of his one-nighter opening for a comedy-magician in a sports bar in Kentucky, where both he and the magician were shorted five dollars. The magician's on-stage revenge is sublimely ridiculous.
Patton: I thought that to piss off a warlock you had to burn down his village or kill his familiar, but nope! Five dollars. FIVE. DOLLARS.
- Patton destroys the song "Christmas Shoes." Animated for your viewing pleasure. The real crowner comes when he puts on a Paul Lynde-esque singsong to mock the song's bizarre idea of Jesus caring about what shoes the kid's mother has on when she meets him:
Patton: I missed the part of The Bible where Jesus was really bitchy and catty about people's footwear... when they get to the pearly gates: "Oh, you're not getting into Heaven in those, honey, no, I'm sorry. I died for your sins, but those pumps are unforgivable!"
- His bit about NPR being unlistenable:
Play some Zeppelin for God's sake. "It's our pledge drive, here on NPR, and we have a 20 minute field recording of a tumluku, which is a Bosnian instrument that can only be played when you have a pierced scrotum and 3 kids who've been killed by a landmine. (mimicks an instrument) The Tibetian practice of scream-singing rightfully died out in the 4th century BC, but 2 Berkeley trust fund students revived it, and here's a 40 minute sample: AAAH AAH AAAAH!"
- Patton describing what happened when he went off Prozac and allowed his depression to race through his body "like a happy puppy" is darkly comedic, especially to people who actually suffer from depression and know exactly what he's talking about:
Patton's Depression: (excitedly) Put on your bathrobe for eight days straight! Watch The Princess Bride eleven times in a row!Patton: Oh, depression. This is the best day you've ever had.
- "I WANT ALL THE HAM."
- His impression of Daniel Plainview. Particularly when he sings "Milkshake".
- The Death Bed routine, especially when Patton announces the sequel: "Rape Stove"!
- The Star Wars filibuster, done while filming a guest spot on Parks and Recreation.
- While his defense for Ben Affleck as Batman was mostly heartwarming, there is one funny bit in at the end: with the implication he's going to suggest himself for the Joker.
- Patton and his brother go see Jerry Maguire on Christmas Eve.
- Describing his college course "Physics for Poets," designed to get the liberal arts students through a bare minimum of science credits, and taught by the head of the department whose hatred for them was palpable. During the final exam and in a last-ditch attempt to reach out to the class, he put a Star Trek-based distance and velocity problem up on the board that involved Ensign Chekov firing phasers from the Enterprise at a Romulan ship. Cue Patton angrily confronting him about the problem because Sulu is the one who fires the phasers.
- During Netflix special Talking For Clapping, he takes a moment to dab the sweat off with a towel, then puts it down after a little riffing. Not five seconds after he puts the towel down the producers flash a light from the back asking him to do it again.
Patton: I know how sweaty I am, goddamn it!!! Yeah, stop flashing it! Fucking Jesus! I just dabbed! Maybe we should keep- shouldn't I leave the sweat on? It'll have this kind of a James Brown effect, like "boy, he's really working up there!"
- In one of his earlier albums, Patton recounts going to New York and being sad when he got back to L.A., because New York seemed way nicer and more authentic in a way that made L.A. seem even more fake. However, he qualifies it with "I know if I lived there, I'd probably hate it." Years later, the closing bit on his special Finest Hour is a 7-minute recounting of what a hellhole city New York is (as he moved there for a month). Aside from being Hilarious in Hindsight, the bit itself is fantastic.
Patton: ...and by the way, New York is a great place to visit. But if you live there full time, it turns your skill into a cage, and your brain into a rat, and the city is just a stick poking the rat all day.