- Perhaps his most famous bit is his KFC Famous Bowls routine. He even ended up creating an entirely separate routine years later about the response to it, including KFC creating a bobble head doll of Patton and sending one to him. Patton himself notes the Magnum Opus Dissonance with the bit.
Patton: I've tried to do material about deep, introspective, real stuff... and that's the one that got away from me.
- The second bit has him stop himself after saying "For some reason" he's tied to the product, immediately hanging a lampshade that there's a very good reason he's associated with it, and calls himself out for being disingenuous about it.
- Patton tells the story of his one-nighter opening for a comedy-magician in a sports bar in Kentucky, where both he and the magician were shorted five dollars. The magician's on-stage revenge is sublimely ridiculous.
Patton: I thought that to piss off a warlock you had to burn down his village or kill his familiar, but nope! Five dollars. Twenty quarters! Twenty games of Galaga, and he will invoke a thorny doom from beneath the crust of the Earth—OKAAAAAAAY!
- Patton destroys the song "Christmas Shoes." Animated for your viewing pleasure. The real crowner comes when he puts on a Paul Lynde-esque singsong to mock the song's bizarre idea of Jesus caring about what shoes the kid's mother has on when she meets him:
Patton: I missed the part of The Bible where Jesus was really bitchy and catty about people's footwear... when they get to the pearly gates: "Oh, you're not getting into Heaven in those, honey, no, I'm sorry. I died for your sins, but those pumps are unforgivable!" Turned into Paul Lynde all of a sudden...
- His bit about NPR being unlistenable:
Play some Zeppelin for God's sake. "It's our pledge drive, here on NPR, and we have a 20 minute field recording of a tumluku, which is a Bosnian instrument that can only be played when you have a pierced scrotum and 3 kids who've been killed by a landmine. (mimicks an instrument) The Tibetian practice of scream-singing rightfully died out in the 4th century BC, but 2 Berkeley trust fund students revived it, and here's a 40 minute sample: AAAH AAH AAAAH!"
- Patton describing what happened when he went off Prozac and allowed his depression to race through his body "like a happy puppy" is darkly comedic, especially to people who actually suffer from depression and know exactly what he's talking about:
Patton's Depression: (excitedly) Put on your bathrobe for eight days straight! Watch The Princess Bride eleven times in a row!Patton: Oh, depression. This is the best day you've ever had.
- "I WANT ALL THE HAM."
- His impression of Daniel Plainview. Particularly when he sings "Milkshake".
- The Death Bed routine, especially when Patton announces the sequel: "Rape Stove"!
- The Star Wars filibuster, done while filming a guest spot on Parks and Recreation.
- While his defense for Ben Affleck as Batman was mostly heartwarming, there is one funny bit in at the end: with the implication he's going to suggest himself for the Joker.
- Patton and his brother go see Jerry Maguire on Christmas Eve.
- Describing his college course "Physics for Poets," designed to get the liberal arts students through a bare minimum of science credits, and taught by the head of the department whose hatred for them was palpable. During the final exam and in a last-ditch attempt to reach out to the class, he put a Star Trek-based distance and velocity problem up on the board that involved Ensign Chekov firing phasers from the Enterprise at a Romulan ship. Cue Patton angrily confronting him about the problem because Sulu is the one who fires the phasers.
- During Netflix special Talking For Clapping, he takes a moment to dab the sweat off with a towel, then puts it down after a little riffing. Not five seconds after he puts the towel down the producers flash a light from the back asking him to do it again.
Patton: I know how sweaty I am, goddamn it!!! Yeah, stop flashing it! Fucking Jesus! I just dabbed! Maybe we should keep- shouldn't I leave the sweat on? It'll have this kind of a James Brown effect, like "boy, he's really working up there!"
- In one of his earlier albums, Patton recounts going to New York and being sad when he got back to L.A., because New York seemed way nicer and more authentic in a way that made L.A. seem even more fake. However, he qualifies it with "I know if I lived there, I'd probably hate it." Years later, the closing bit on his special Finest Hour is a 7-minute recounting of what a hellhole city New York is (as he moved there for a month). Aside from being Hilarious in Hindsight, the bit itself is fantastic.
Patton: ...and by the way, New York is a great place to visit. But if you live there full time, it turns your skill into a cage, and your brain into a rat, and the city is just a stick poking the rat all day.
- Anyone worried that his wife's death would kill his ability to be funny should be assuaged by his routine about the "Polish woman of doom" who ruined his attempt to keep his daughter's mind off it during Mother's Day weekend two weeks later, and who he's now worried is going to surprise them during other holidays to rant some more about how horrible it is.