- Perhaps his most famous bit is his KFC Famous Bowls routine. He even ended up creating an entirely separate routine years later about the response to it, including KFC creating a bobble head doll of Patton and sending one to him. Patton himself notes the Magnum Opus Dissonance with the bit.
Patton: I've tried to do material about deep, introspective, real stuff... and that's the one that got away from me.
- Patton tells the story of his one-nighter opening for a comedy-magician in a sports bar in Kentucky, where both he and the magician were shorted five dollars. The magician's on-stage revenge is sublimely ridiculous.
- Patton destroys the song "Christmas Shoes." Animated for your viewing pleasure.
"Jesus": I died for your sins, but those pumps are unforgivable~
- His bit about NPR being unlistenable:
Play some Zeppelin for God's sake. "It's our pledge drive, here on NPR, and we have a 20 minute field recording of a tumluku, which is a Bosnian instrument that can only be played when you have a pierced scrotum and 3 kids who've been killed by a landmine. (mimicks an instrument) The Tibetian practice of scream-singing rightfully died out in the 4th century BC, but 2 Berkeley trust fund students revived it, and here's a 40 minute sample: AAAH AAH AAAAH!"
- Patton describing what happened when he went off Prozac and allowed his depression to race through his body "like a happy puppy" is darkly comedic, especially to people who actually suffer from depression and know exactly what he's talking about:
Patton's Depression: (excitedly) Put on your bathrobe for eight days straight! Watch The Princess Bride eleven times in a row!Patton: Oh, depression. This is the best day you've ever had.
- "I WANT ALL THE HAM."
- His impression of Daniel Plainview. Particularly when he sings "Milkshake".
- The Death Bed routine, especially when Patton announces the sequel: "Rape Stove"!
- The Star Wars filibuster, done while filming a guest spot on Parks and Recreation.
- While his defense for Ben Affleck as Batman was mostly heartwarming, there is one funny bit in at the end: with the implication he's going to suggest himself for the Joker.
- Patton and his brother go see Jerry Maguire on Christmas Eve.
- Describing his college course "Physics for Poets," designed to get the liberal arts students through a bare minimum of science credits, and taught by the head of the department whose hatred for them was palpable. During the final exam and in a last-ditch attempt to reach out to the class, he put a Star Trek-based distance and velocity problem up on the board that involved Ensign Chekov firing phasers from the Enterprise at a Romulan ship. Cue Patton angrily confronting him about the problem because Sulu is the one who fires the phasers.