History Funny / PattonOswalt

-->'''Patton:''' ...and by the way, New York is a great place to visit. But if you live there full time, it turns your skull into a cage, and your brain into a rat, and the city is just a stick poking the rat all day.

* The ''Film/DeathBedTheBedThatEats'' [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01l1WIC9mBo routine]], especially when Patton announces the sequel: "Rape Stove"!

-->'''Patton:''' I thought that to piss off a warlock you had to burn down his village or kill his familiar, ''something''. No, all you have to do: steal five dollars from him. [[DisproportionateRetribution Twenty quarters]]! Twenty games of ''VideoGame/{{Galaga}}'', and he will invoke a thorny doom from beneath the crust of the Earth--OKAAAAAAAY!

** The bit where he reimagines the father of the boy as a pychotic Vietnam vet who ejaculates on shoes his son has tricked people into buying. "That's what Vietnam did to me!" Also, Patton interprets the store clerk as a {{Jerkass}} who refuses to let the kid have the shoes because the mere ''six cents'' the kid was short would be deducted from the clerk's paycheck.

-->Play some [[Music/LedZeppelin Zeppelin]] for God's sake. "It's our pledge drive, here on NPR, and we have a 20 minute field recording of a tumluku, which is a Bosnian instrument that can only be played when you have a pierced scrotum and 3 kids who've been killed by a landmine. ''(mimicks an instrument)'' The Tibetian practice of scream-singing rightfully died out in the 4th century BC, but 2 Berkeley trust fund students revived it, and here's a 40 minute sample: AAAH AAH AAAAH!"

** "Christmas Shoes" is sung by a group called New Song; Patton notes that this comes across as the setup for a third-rate WhosOnFirst gag:
--->'''Patton''': Song is called "Christmas Shoes", and it's by a Christian group called New Song, which, I dunno ''why'', '''why''' would you name your group "New Song"!? You're just gonna be livin' in an Creator/AbbottAndCostello routine for the rest of your life. "Yeah, we got a new song." "By who?" "Exactly." "What!? It's- oh, ''fuck'' this..."

* Patton ''destroys'' the song "Christmas Shoes." [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iq10bz3PxyY Animated for your viewing pleasure.]] The real crowner comes when he puts on a Paul Lynde-esque singsong to mock the song's bizarre idea of Jesus caring about what shoes the kid's mother has on when she meets him:
-->'''Patton''': I missed the part of Literature/TheBible where Jesus was really bitchy and catty about people's footwear... when they get to the pearly gates: "Oh, you're not getting into Heaven in those, honey, no, I'm sorry. I died for your sins, but those pumps are ''unforgivable!''" Turned into Creator/PaulLynde all of a sudden...

* '''[-[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TgAQApJdUOE "I WANT ALL THE HAM."]]-]'''

* The ''Film/DeathBedTheBedThatEatsBeds'' [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01l1WIC9mBo routine]], especially when Patton announces the sequel: "Rape Stove"!

* The [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01l1WIC9mBo Death Bed]] routine, especially when Patton announces the sequel: "Rape Stove"!

* While [[http://ie.ign.com/articles/2013/08/26/patton-oswalt-defends-ben-affleck-batman-casting his defense for]] Creator/BenAffleck as Franchise/{{Batman}} was mostly heartwarming, there is one funny bit in at the end: [[spoiler: with the implication he's going to suggest himself for ComicBook/TheJoker.]]

-->And then you walked away, and the professor's head [[DespairEventHorizon just dropped]], and he stood up, and said: "Uh... I've just been informed that [[spoiler: [[CowboyBeBopAtHisComputer Sulu fires the phasers]] on the USS Enterprise]]. Uh... if this made the question "''impossible'' to solve," I will change the name of the crew-member. Give your blue books to my TA. I'm gonna go home, sit in a hot bath, [[DrivenToSuicide and open up a couple of veins]]. [[PrecisionFStrike Fuck all of you]], I- I don't want to live on this planet with you anymore.

* During Netflix special ''Talking For Clapping'', he takes a moment to dab the sweat off with a towel, then puts it down after a little riffing. Not ''five seconds after he puts the towel down'' the producers flash a light from the back asking him to do it ''again.''

* In one of his earlier albums, Patton recounts going to New York and being sad when he got back to L.A., because New York seemed way nicer and more authentic in a way that made L.A. seem even more fake. However, he qualifies it with "[[GrassIsGreener I know if I lived there, I'd probably hate it]]." Years later, the closing bit on his special ''Finest Hour'' is a 7-minute recounting of what a hellhole city New York is (as he moved there for a month). Aside from being HilariousInHindsight, the bit itself is fantastic.

* While [[http://ie.ign.com/articles/2013/08/26/patton-oswalt-defends-ben-affleck-batman-casting his defense for]] Ben Affleck as Batman was mostly heartwarming, there is one funny bit in at the end: [[spoiler: with the implication he's going to suggest himself for the Joker.]]

* His bit about NPR being [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Re-OdWBCRs unlistenable]]:

** Speaking of his depression, his description of [[https://youtu.be/h-X60hmn_lA how it had learned to pick its spots]] since his daughter was born, as described under DrivenToSuicide on the main page. Following this, though, was his finding a Lean Cuisine he actually wanted with the initial thought of "[[IncrediblyLameFun OOH]]!" Only to change his mind and pick one he ''didn't'' want because [[TheSlacker the first one had too many steps]].

** The second bit has him stop himself after saying "For some reason" he's tied to the product, immediately hanging a lampshade that there's a very ''good'' reason he's associated with it, [[HypocrisyNod and calls himself out for being disingenuous about it.]]

* His impression of [[Film/ThereWillBeBlood Daniel Plainview]]. Particularly when he sings "Milkshake".

-->'''Patton:''' I thought that to piss off a warlock you had to burn down his village or kill his familiar, ''something''. No, all you have to do: steal five dollars from him. Twenty quarters! Twenty games of ''VideoGame/{{Galaga}}'', and he will invoke a thorny doom from beneath the crust of the Earth--OKAAAAAAAY!

* Patton tells the story of his one-nighter opening for [[StageMagician a comedy-magician]] in a sports bar in Kentucky, where both he and the magician were shorted five dollars. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7V_ejupklng The magician's on-stage revenge is sublimely ridiculous.]]

* Patton tells the story of his one-nighter opening for a comedy-magician in a sports bar in Kentucky, where both he and the magician were shorted five dollars. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7V_ejupklng The magician's on-stage revenge is sublimely ridiculous.]]

-->'''Patton:''' ...and by the way, New York is a great place to visit. But if you live there full time, it turns your skill into a cage, and your brain into a rat, and the city is just a stick poking the rat all day.

** And Oswalt, for his part, [[SoUnfunnyItsFunny is laughing his ass off at this]], leading him to wonder how confused the poor audience was.

--->'''Patton''': After a while, the audience would watch the magician... then they'd look back at me... [[DoubleTake then they'd look back at him]]. Trying to piece it- (''he [[BriefAccentImitation affects a Southern drawl for this]]'') "Is this some kinda [[TrueArtIsIncomprehensible avant garde]], [[GermanicDepressives German theater]] bullshit where a magician goes up and yells at us, and then [[SelfDeprecation they dress a lesbian in boy's clothing]] in the back of the room, and she sits [[PurpleProse cackling in the darkness like a half-remembered nightmare through a cracked mirror of regret]]? 'Cause if that's what the fuck this is, [[SeenItAll I seen it done better]], that's all I'm sayin'."

--->'''Patton''': After a while, the audience would watch the magician... then they'd look back at me... [[DoubleTake then they'd look back at him]]. Trying to piece it- "Is this some kinda [[TrueArtIsIncomprehensible avant garde]], [[GermanicDepressives German theater]] bullshit where a magician goes up and yells at us, and then [[SelfDeprecation they dress a lesbian in boy's clothing]] in the back of the room, and she sits cackling in the darkness like a half-remembered nightmare through a cracked mirror of regret? 'Cause if that's what the fuck this is, [[SeenItAll I seen it done better]], that's all I'm sayin'."

-->And then you walked away, and the professor's head [[DespairEventHorizon just dropped]], and he stood up, and said: "Uh... I've just been informed that [[spoiler: [[FanDumb Sulu fires the phasers]] on the USS Enterprise]]. Uh... if this made the question "''impossible'' to solve," I will change the name of the crew-member. Give your blue books to my TA. I'm gonna go home, sit in a hot bath, [[DrivenToSuicide and open up a couple of veins]]. [[PrecisionFStrike Fuck all of you]], I- I don't want to live on this planet with you anymore.