Funny / Last Action Hero

  • In the opening, a cop blocks Slater from entering the building where the Ripper is holed up.
    Slater: Hey! You want to be a farmer? Here's a couple of 'achers!' (executes a Groin Attack that launches the cop six feet in the air)
  • Danny imagining a trailer for Hamlet with Arnold Schwarzenegger in the title role.
    • "Eh, Claudius! Yah killed my fadda." (grabs Claudius) "Big mistake." (sends a screaming Claudius flying out the window)
    • "Stay thy hand, fair prince!" — "Hoo said I'm feah?" Cue SchwarzenHamlet pulling out a gun, despite the medieval setting, and blasting Polonius.
    • And this nugget:
      SchwarzenHamlet: To be or not to be... (lights a cigar, takes a drag) Not to be. (KABOOM!)
  • Two cops show up outside a supposed crack house:
    1st cop: Are you sure this is the right address? This don't look like no crack house to me.
    2nd cop: What do you want? Sixty guys dancing on the lawn, throwing cocaine at each other? Just kick the door in.
  • After Frank's house explodes, the two cops are revealed to have landed in a tree. One of them regains consciousness and has this to say: "Two days to retirement."
  • Two words: Acme Dynamite.
  • "Iced that guy--to cone a phrase."
  • Danny goes cross-eyed and moans as Slater's car is about to land on the Coca-Cola semi-truck.
  • The T-1000 and Catherine Tramell are seen strolling out of the police station. Doubles as a Crowning Moment of Awesome for movie nuts.
  • Slater's cassette tape for whenever his ex-wife calls, which is just an endless loop of Slater saying, "Uh-huh, uh-huh, yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah."
    • Which then wanders into Tear Jerker territory when Danny points out that his wife calls him every day, at which point Slater reveals that he has someone call him at the office pretending to be his wife, so they think he has some semblance of a life and isn't incredibly lonely.
    • Jack also has other tapes labeled "Blown Up House," "Ex-Mother-In-Law," "Creditors," "Governor's Office," "Twin Brother Did It," "Girlfriend," "Internal Affairs," "Wrecked Car," "Working Late," and "Out of Town."
  • The whole "Cops Getting Assigned Sidekicks" thing.
  • The joke with Practice's name.
    Practice: How do you get to Carnegie Hall?
    Slater: Practice!
  • After Practice leaves:
    Danny: Watch it, Jack. He killed Mozart!
    Slater: (sardonically) In a movie?
    Danny: Amadeus! It won eight Oscars.
    Slater: I saved his life in 'Nam. I'll make sure to be on the lookout, thanks. Now...NO MORE MOVIES!
  • Any time Dekker screams "SLATER!"
  • Danny: "I can PROVE this is a movie! Look, a cartoon cat just walked through the door!"
    Slater: He's supposed to be back on duty. He was only suspended for a month. Now shut up!
    Dekker: That cat is one of my best men!
    • Followed by this:
      Danny: I just love the way you two fight, knowing how you really feel about each other.
      Dekker: Pray tell. Just how do I feel about this weird-looking sack of puppy poop?
      (Jack looks at him questioningly)
    • And this:
      Danny: Jack Slater I.
      Danny: No! The very first Jack Slater.
      Dekker: (to Slater) You tell your dad?!
      Slater: I didn't tell anyone! I don't even know this kid!
      • Slater's exasperated tone and expression as he says the last line just adds to the hilarity.
  • Slater and Dekker subjecting Danny to a rapid-fire interrogation, however brief it is.
  • Slater's response after Dekker appoints Danny as his partner: "Oh, no. Better to die."
  • Danny starts to introduce himself to other cops as Jack's new partner, only for Jack to walk back, pick him up, and carry him out of the police station.
  • As Slater starts to say his Catch-Phrase:
    Danny: That is what you were gonna say, right? Gee, how would I know that?
    Slater: No likes a smart ass.
  • Slater driving like crazy out of the LAPD garage, and a passing driver yelling his name.
  • In Slater's world, Terminator 2: Judgment Day starred Sylvester Stallone, not Arnold Schwarzenegger.
    Slater, reverently: The man is an artist!
  • Slater flirting with an attractive woman in the video store.
    Attractive Woman: You were in a movie?
    Slater: Yes. It was called The Girl of My Dreams. It starred you. As a matter of fact, we had this very romantic scene together.
    • When the woman asks Slater if Danny is his kid:
      Slater: Him? Oh, no. This is a mental patient and I'm going to take him downtown. (grabs Danny) C'mon!
    • Danny points out that the cashier is way too attractive to be working in a video store.
      Slater: I agree with you. I think she should be working with us. Undercover, of course.
  • When Danny finally points out Vivaldi's house, Slater launches into a sarcastic rant, and it is absolutely hilarious.
    Danny: The bad guys are in there! (points)
    Slater: You know something? You should be wearing this. (hands Danny his badge)
    Danny: (takes the badge) I don't think I've earned it yet.
    Slater: You don't understand. You just solved the entire case. You just revolutionized the entire history of police training. All those years at the Academy studying human character, psyche of the terrorist, fingerprint analysis, all the courses that I've taken in surveillance, hostage negotiation, and criminal psychology. I mean, all I had to do was just drive around the neighborhood and point my finger at a house and say "THE BAD GUYS ARE IN THERE!"
    Danny: You think you're funny, don't you?
    Slater: I know I am. I'm the famous comedian, Arnold Braunschweiger.
    Danny: Schwarzenegger!
    Slater: Gesundheit.
    • Slater uses "Arnold Braunschweiger" as an alias later on in the movie.
  • Slater knocks on the door to Vivaldi's door, and Vivaldi's doorman answers, leading to this exchange:
    Slater: Could I speak to the drug dealer of the house, please?
    Doorman: I beg your pardon?
    Slater: It's a beautiful day, and we're out killing drug dealers. Are there any in the house?
    • Slater starts to leave and Danny calls him back:
      Slater: I'll be back! Ha! You didn't know I was gonna say that, did you?
      Slater: I do?
    • Benedict's answer to Slater's question about him being a henchman:
      Benedict: No, I only go as far as "lackey."
    • "They [the attack dogs] are exceptionally well-trained." Benedict snaps his fingers, and the dogs quickly form a canine pyramid. The exchange continues:
      Benedict: I snap my fingers again, and sometime next week, you emerge from several canine recta. Questions?
      Slater: Yeah, two. (lights a cigar) Why would I be wasting my time with a dime-store putz like you when I could be doing something much more dangerous, like re-arranging my sock drawers? And how will you snap your fingers after I rip off both of your thumbs?
  • As Danny keeps trying to convince Slater they're in a movie:
    Slater: Kid, who does the doctor treat?
    Danny: Patients.
    Slater: What is the elbow of my jacket doing?
    Danny: Wearing thin?
    Slater: Bingo!
  • When Danny opens the door to find Benedict and his armed goons standing on the porch:
    Benedict: Hello, Toto.
    • "Is Uncle Jack around?"
  • After Danny gives him the "Hurt one hair on her head" line as one of Benedict's men drags Whitney away, Benedict orders his henchman to stop, strolls over to Whitney, plucks a strand of hair from her head, walks over to Danny, and pulls it apart in front of Danny, following with "You were saying?"
  • Benedict's goons opening the door and pointing their guns at Skeezy, who stands there with his lips puckered waiting for Whitney to kiss him.
  • Jack's very cordial "Hi!" as he crashes in through the skylight, followed by him shooting two of the goons dead with their own guns.
  • "Got to catch the red-eye." Said by Jack as he pursues a fleeing Benedict.
  • Danny realizing he's Wrong Genre Savvy when trying to play chicken with Benedict's car.
    Danny: Shit! I'm the comedy sidekick!
  • After surviving an explosion, Slater and Danny, still wearing their ruined clothes, sit in front of Dekker's office while Dekker rants angrily and incoherently about what happened.
    Slater: Did you catch any of that?
    Danny: Some of it sounds like English.
    • Dekker has steam puffing out of his ears as he raves at Slater.
  • When Slater walks into his apartment and for no apparent reason shoots the closet twice. A dead assassin's corpse falls out.
    Danny: How'd you know there was a guy in there?
    Slater: There's always a guy in there. It costs me a fortune in closet doors.
  • When Danny and Slater realize that a chemical bomb has been planted on Leo the Fart:
    Slater: Leo the Fart is gonna pass gas one more time.
  • On the way to Leo the Fart's funeral, Slater runs into Practice, and they decide to continue together. Along the way, Slater discovers Practice's true colors and admits that Danny warned him not to trust Practice because he killed "Moe Zart" (Danny figured out that Practice would turn traitor all because he is played by F. Murray Abraham, who played Salieri in Amadeus).
    Slater: Danny told me I shouldn't trust you. You killed Moe Zart.
    Practice: Moe...?
    Slater: Zart!
    Practice: (beat) You know, I've killed a lot of people; I don't remember all of their names.
    • Danny then shows up with a gun of his own and gives Practice a speech about how he should have just shot Slater instead of talking.
      Danny: But no, you're the typical villain—dumb.
      Vivaldi: (cocks gun) You ain't no genius yourself, kid.
    • The scene immediately following that shows Slater and Danny handcuffed to the wall.
  • Slater crashes Leo the Fart's funeral, and he walks up to the casket and talks to a mourner.
    Slater: He was a good man, a flatulent man.
    • Slater then pretends Leo the Fart is still alive (complete with him using a falsetto voice), grabs the corpse, and starts carrying it away, yelling for a doctor. A man steps forward as a doctor, and Slater tells him to check Leo the Fart's chin, only to knock the doctor out and then yell that the doctor passed out.
    • "Look, elephant!"
  • The scene in which Benedict kills Vivaldi.
    Vivaldi: First, you're my friend! Then you do a... (swirls his finger in the water) 360 on me!
    Benedict: (exasperated) 180, you stupid, spaghetti-slurping cretin, 180! If I did a 360, I'd go completely around and end up back where I started!
    Vivaldi: ...What?
    Benedict: Trust me! (shoots Vivaldi)
    • And before that, Benedict trolls Vivaldi.
      Benedict: Men, women, and children dropping left and right, writhing and screaming. [...] They were writhing and screaming and leaping to their doom to escape the pain.
      Vivaldi: (laughing) Really? Really?
      Benedict: No, not really. I'm lying. It was a complete and utter balls-up, and I've had a terrible day, thanks largely to you.
  • Benedict has a subtle one. When Slater crashes Whitney's pickup truck through Benedict's front door, he gets a look on his face that screams "Again?"
    • When Slater starts beating up Benedict during his ''And this is for..'' speech, the act of blowing up Slater's ex-wife's house gets Benedict a soft slap on the wrist.
  • After they pursue Benedict and his doorman into the real world, Slater shoots at a cab the two steal and it doesn't explode like usual:
    Slater: (to Danny) Not a word. Not one word!
  • Danny urging Slater to check to make sure Benedict and his doorman are dead after the car crash.
    Slater: Gimme a break. They're dead.
    Danny: Just check!
    Slater: (gestures at the cab) Look! Dead!
    Danny: They always look dead!
  • Benedict is stunned to find that you can steal someone's shoes in the real world without police sirens instantly sounding. So he goes to a garage and shoots a mechanic. He then immediately checks his watch and starts counting, waiting for the sirens. He fires another shot, just in case:
    Benedict: Hello! I just killed a man and I did it on purpose!
    (silence)
    Benedict: I have just shot a man and I want to confess!
    Neighbor: Hey! Shut up down there!
  • Danny complaining to his mom that she turned Slater into a wimp.
  • Slater hauling a cabbie out of his vehicle and delivering this nugget:
    Slater: Ever see those movies where they say "Make my day" or "I'm your worst nightmare?" Well, listen to this one—Rubber baby buggy bumpers! (turns to Danny) Ha! You didn't know I was gonna say that, did you?
    Danny: Uh...
  • Arnold Schwarzenegger telling his wife to not talk to the National Inquirer, and Maria Shriver telling him to "not plug the restaurants" because "It's tacky."
    • And Arnold goes on and brings up Planet Hollywood, much to Maria's annoyance.
  • Slater's speech to Dekker at the end when Dekker starts ranting:
    Slater: Put a sock in it! I don't care who does what to your Hersey highway. And stop shouting! I'm not deaf! You know why you're shouting? Because it's in the script. You're the comic relief. Yes! And you know what else? I am the hero. SO SHUT UP!

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Funny/LastActionHero