Funny: Last Action Hero

  • In the opening, a cop blocks Slater from entering the building where the Ripper is holed up.
    Slater: Hey! You want to be a farmer? Here's a couple of 'achers!' (executes a Groin Attack that launches the cop six feet in the air)
  • The Hamlet trailer.
    • "Eh, Claudius! Yah killed my fadda. (grabs Claudius) Big mistake." (sends a screaming Claudius flying out the window)
    • "Who said I'm fair?" Cue Schwarzenhamlet gunning down the other man.
    • And this nugget:
    Schwarzenhamlet: To be or not to be... (lights a cigar, takes a drag) Not to be. (KABOOM!)
  • Two cops show up outside a supposed crack house:
    1st cop: Are you sure this is the right address? This don't look like no crack house to me.
    2nd cop: What do you want? Sixty guys dancing on the lawn, throwing cocaine at each other? Just kick the door in.
  • Two words: Acme Dynamite.
  • "Iced that guy--to cone a phrase."
  • Danny goes cross-eyed and moans as Slater's car is about to land on the Coca-Cola semi-truck.
  • The T-1000 and Catherine Trammell are seen strolling out of the police station.
  • The joke with Practice's name.
    Practice: How do you get to Carnegie Hall?
    Slater: Practice!
  • The whole "Cops Getting Assigned Sidekicks" thing.
  • Danny: "I can PROVE this is a movie! Look, a cartoon cat just walked through the door!"
    Slater (blankly): So? He'll do it again tomorrow.
    Dekker That cat is one of my best men!
  • When Danny finally points out Vivaldi's house, Slater launches into a sarcastic rant, and it is absolutely hilarious.
    Danny: The bad guys are in there! (points)
    Slater: You know something? You should be wearing this. (hands Danny his badge)
    Danny: (takes the badge) I don't think I've earned it yet.
    Slater: You don't understand. You just solved the entire case. You just revolutionized the entire history of police training. All those years at the Academy studying human character, psyche of the terrorist, fingerprint analysis, all the courses that I've taken in surveillance, hostage negotiation, and criminal psychology. I mean, all I had to do was just drive around the neighborhood and point my finger at a house and say "THE BAD GUYS ARE IN THERE!"
    Danny: You think you're funny, don't you?
    Slater: I know I am. I'm the famous comedian, Arnold Braunschweiger.
    Danny: Schwarzenegger!
    Slater: Gesundheit.
  • Slater knocks on the door to Vivaldi's door, and Vivaldi's doorman answers, leading to this exchange:
    Slater: Could I speak to the drug dealer of the house, please?
    Doorman: I beg your pardon?
    Slater: It's a beautiful day, and we're out killing drug dealers. Are there any in the house?
    • Slater starts to leave and Danny calls him back:
      Slater: I'll be back! Ha! You didn't know I was gonna say that, did you?
      Slater: I do?
    • Benedict's answer to Slater's question about him being a henchman:
      Benedict: No, I only go as far as "lackey."
    • "They [the attack dogs] are exceptionally well-trained." Benedict snaps his fingers, and the dogs quickly form a canine pyramid. The exchange continues:
      Benedict: I snap my fingers again, and sometime next week, you emerge from several canine recta. Questions?
      Slater: Yeah, two. (lights a cigar) Why would I be wasting my time with a dime-store putz like you when I could be doing something much more dangerous, like re-arranging my sock drawers? And how will you snap your fingers after I rip off both of your thumbs?
  • Danny realizing he's Wrong Genre Savvy when trying to play chicken with Benedict's car.
    Danny: Shit! I'm the comedy sidekick!
  • On the way to the mobster's funeral, Slater runs into Practice, and they decide to continue together. Along the way, Slater discovers Practice's true colors and admits that Danny warned him not to trust Practice because he killed "Moe Zart" (Danny figured out that Practice would turn traitor all because he is played by F. Murray Abraham, who played Salieri in Amadeus).
    Slater: Danny told me I shouldn't trust you. You killed Moe Zart.
    Practice: Moe...?
    Slater: Zart!
    Practice: (beat) You know, I've killed a lot of people; I don't remember all of their names.
    • Danny then shows up with a gun of his own and gives Practice a speech about how he should have just shot Slater instead of talking.
      Danny: But no, you're the typical villain—dumb.
      Vivaldi: (cocks gun) You ain't no genius yourself, kid.
    • The scene immediately following that shows Slater and Danny handcuffed to the wall.
  • Slater crashes Fat Tony's funeral, and he walks up to the casket and talks to a mourner.
    Slater: He was a good man, a flatulent man.
    • Slater then pretends Fat Tony is still alive (complete with him using a falsetto voice), grabs the corpse, and starts carrying it away, yelling for a doctor. A man steps forward as a doctor, and Slater tells him to check Fat Tony's chin, only to knock the doctor out and then yell that the doctor passed out.
    • "Look, elephant!"
  • The scene in which Benedict kills Vivaldi.
    Vivaldi: First, you're my friend! Then you do a... (swirls his finger in the water) 360 on me!
    Benedict: (exasperated) 180, you stupid, spaghetti-slurping cretin, 180! If I did a 360, I'd go completely around and end up back where I started!
    Vivaldi: ...What?
    Benedict: Trust me! (shoots Vivaldi)
  • After surviving an explosion, Slater and Danny, still wearing their ruined clothes, sit in front of Dekker's office while Dekker rants angrily and incoherently at them.
  • When Slater walks into his apartment and for no apparent reason shoots the closet twice. A dead assassin's corpse falls out.
    Danny: How'd you know there was a guy in there?
    Slater: There's always a guy in there. It costs me a fortune in closet doors.
  • Benedict has a subtle one. When Slater crashes Whitney's pickup truck through Benedict's front door, he gets a look on his face that screams, "Again?"
  • Benedict is stunned to find that you can steal someone's shoes in the real world without police sirens instantly sounding. So he goes to a garage and shoots a mechanic. He then immediately checks his watch and starts counting, waiting for the sirens. He fires another shot, just in case:
    Benedict: Hello! I just killed a man and I did it on purpose!
    Benedict: I have just shot a man and I want to confess!
    Neighbor: Hey! Shut up down there!
  • Slater's speech to Dekker at the end:
    Slater: Put a sock in it! I don't care who does what to your stupid highway! And stop shouting! I'm not deaf!
  • Slater's cassette tape for whenever his ex-wife calls, which is just an endless loop of Slater saying, "Uh-huh, uh-huh, yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah."
    • Which then wanders into Tear Jerker territory when Danny points out that his wife calls him every day, at which point Slater reveals that he has someone call him at the office pretending to be his wife, so they think he has some semblance of a life and isn't incredibly lonely.