Funny / I, Robot

The Will Smith film

  • "You are the dumbest smart person I have ever met in my life!"
    • "Ugh! You're the dumbest dumb person I have ever met!"
  • "Do you ever have a normal day?", "Yeah. Once. It was a Thursday."
  • Spooner asking Calvin to re-explain what she does in Layman's Terms ("I make the robots appear more human.") and then asking "Wasn't that easier?" She genuinely doesn't think it was.
  • "A robot couldn't commit a murder any more than a human being could walk on water!" "Well, y'know, there was this one guy, a long time ago..."
  • And of course, this exchange towards the end:
    Farber: Mother-damn, she just shot at you with her eyes closed, Spoon!
    Spooner: HEY! Did you just shoot at me with your eyes closed?!
    Calvin: Well, it worked, didn't it?
    Farber: Spoon, she is shit-hot, you gotta put in a good word for me—
    Spooner: Stop cussin' and—
    Farber: —and go home, I got you! [runs off]
    [Spooner runs over to Calvin and grabs the gun from her]
    Spooner: Aim and fire.
  • "ACHOO! Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit."
  • Whilst investigating Lanning's house, Del tries in vain to get the man's cat to leave him alone.
    Spooner: Look, I understand you've experienced a loss, but this relationship just can't work. I mean, you're a cat, I'm black, and I'm not gonna be hurt again.
  • "Hold my pie." "What?" "Sir, hold it or wear it."
  • "This isn't what I normally do, but I got an idea for one of your commercials. You see a carpenter, and he's making a beautiful chair. Then one of your robots comes in and makes a better chair, twice as fast. And then you superimpose on the screen: 'USR: Shittin' on the little guy.'" Beat as Robertson gives him a look. "That would be the fade out."
    • Earlier in the same conversation, while Robertson is talking:
      Spooner: [suddenly interrupting] Sugar?
      Robertson: I'm sorry?
      Spooner: For the coffee?
      [awkward pause before the two crack up]
      Spooner: Oh, you... you thought I was calling you "Sugar"! Look, you're not that rich.
  • "You're saying cats did this to you?!" "How the hell would cats do this to me? Are you crazy?" "Why are we talking about cats?"
  • "...I don't know what 'blithely' means, but I'm gonna go get some coffee. You want some coffee?"
  • "So what hospital are you going to? I'll meet you there and sign you and your buddy's cast."
  • "Somehow, 'I told you so'... just doesn't quite say it."
  • Spooner and Calvin's entire argument in the car while chasing after Sonny—showcasing their Like an Old Married Couple relationship—particularly the last two lines:
    Calvin: It was a left, by the way, back there. [points]
    Spooner: [shakes his head] You must know my ex-wife.
  • "Sonny!" "Yes, Detective?" "Calvin's fine! Save me!"
  • "You're lucky I can't breathe, or else I'd walk all up and down yo' ass!" [puff]
    • "It's okay, I'm a police officer." "You... are a asshole."
  • "Aww HELL naw!"
    "THE HELL I AM!"
  • After bursting out of the car wreck caused by the Zerg Rush of NS-5s, Del takes a look down at his now-melted pair of vintage converse and nods in Tranquil Fury, as if to say "Trying to kill me way one thing, but then you went and ruined my shoes!"
    • Later, when Del is going on once again about "THE GOD DAMN ROBOTS" to Lt. Bergin, Bergin angrily asks him where his firearm is (one of the robots had grabbed it from him back in the tunnel). Del just looks down, pauses, and realizes that he can't actually defend himself for this one, so he just shrugs like a passive-aggressive teenager.

The Asimov book

  • In the story about QT-1, the robot ends up behaving like a robotic Muhammad, and "converts" all other robots in the space station they are in to his religion, which worships the station's central power plant, and in which everything out of the station simply does not exist. Donovan and Powell get confined to their rooms, but it turns out that QT-1 can use the controls easily. When a new team comes to replace Donovan and Powell, the leader of the new team says he'll be damned if he lets the robot take the controls. Donovan and Powell get a laugh when they realize the newcomers will stay in the station for weeks...
  • The SPD model that suffers a 'nervous breakdown' on Mercury begins singing H.M.S. Pinafore: the techs are utterly mystified, since there's no real reason for a maintenance-and-repair robot designed to spend its existence on Mercury to have been programmed with centuries-old operettas.
  • In "Escape!", a new FTL drive is successfully constructed and tested, with a few.. side-effects.. on test-pilots Powell and Donovan:
    "Does your coffin fit differently lately? Why not try Morbid M. Cadaver's extensible caskets. They are scientifically designed to fit the natural curves of the body, and are enriched with vitamin B. Use Cadaver's caskets for comfort. Remember - you're - going - to - be - dead - a - long - long - time!"