Mother: You can't give her that! It's not safe! Death: It's a sword. It's not meant to be safe. Crumley: She's a child! Death: It's educational. Crumley: What if she cuts herself? Death: That will be an important lesson.
Ridcully experimenting with "Bloody Stupid" Johnson's bathroom. Especially his discovery of the "Old Faithful" lever...
Albert: It'd bloody well work on me if I was a pig, master
Death: Very well then. APPLE! SAUCE!
The restaurant staff making a complete menu based on boots, laces and mud by describing the dishes in Quirmian.
One chef draws the line at "Café de la térre" that's just mud and hot water.
Chef: Surely they'll spot that!
Manager: They haven't yet.
Bilius, the Oh God of hangovers. Not the god, the oh god. Because what does a person say when under his influence...?
And then there's the ultimate hangover cure. That sequence is hilarious, particularly when Ridcully adds the Wow-Wow Sauce.
Hex ceasing to work unless he is FTB-enabled. Which is to say it throws a tantrum when its Fluffy Teddy Bear is taken away.
And Hex vs. Ridcully. Ridcully threatens Hex with a hammer, while Ponder is astonished and somewhat worried that Hex seems to understand the concept.
Death keeping count of how many pies and sherries Albert has had to eat and drink in a single night
Death: (tallying the sherries so far) one million, eight hundred thousand, seven hundred and six. And sixty eight thousand, three hundred and nineteen pork pies. And one turnip.
Albert: It looked pork pie shaped. Everything does after a while...
Death's attempt at a Hogswatch card. (He tried to add some snow, but it melted. He tried to put a robin on it, but it flew away. It would not get into the Hogswatch spirit at all.)
Mr Teatime tries to be reassuring:
A violent death is the last thing that will happen to you.
The footnote to the origin stories of the Hogfather. On passing by a house, or so he says, a king is moved by the plight of some girls, who are unable to celebrate Hogswatch. He throws a packet of sausages through the window... concussing one of them, but there is no point in ruining a good legend.
Ridcully's line after the Bursar talking with Hex cures the Bursar of his insanity, but drives Hex mad in turn:
Ridcully: Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence any day.
When the wizards realize that they've been calling new anthropomorphic personifications into existence, the Bursar wonders what happens to the socks that go missing. There's a tell-tale jingling of bells...
Ridcully:(Pointing dramatically upwards) To the laundry!
Dean: The laundry's downstairs, Ridcully.
Ridcully:Down to the laundry!
This is possibly a callback to The Light Fantastic in which the Wizards follow a reality altering spell up through the various floors of the University, each time shouting "Quick! To the (Insert floor above name here)"
Then there's his stern instruction to the other wizards shortly afterwards: "No-one is to look like a sock, understood?"
What? No mention of Death getting stuck in the iron stove? It's especially funny in the live-action adaptation thanks to Death's deadpan voice.
Death: This is really, really stupid.
Which is followed by an argument between Death and Albert about how much to give a poor child, and containing perhaps the greatest Literal-Minded joke ever:
Death: Please enlighten me. What is so important about having a pot to piss in?
In a footnote, the story of the Quirmian philosopher Ventre, who made up the Discworld equivalent of Pascal's Wager:
'Possibly the gods exist, and possibly they do not. So why believe in them in any case? If it's all true you'll go to a lovely place when you die, and if it isn't then you've lost nothing, right?' When he died he woke up in a circle of gods holding nasty-looking sticks, and one of them said, 'We're going to show you what we think of Mr Clever Dick in these parts...'
Death disguising himself as a Snowman when he arrives to deal with the Auditors.