Funny / Hogfather

  • The sequence where the real (or rather, less false) Hogfather takes over the "Mall Santa" equivalent is outstanding.
    Death: It's the expression on their little faces I like.
    Albert: You mean the sort of fear and awe and not knowing whether to laugh or cry or wet their pants?
    • It's sad that Death is trying so hard, and yet failing in the role so utterly:
      Death: I will give you a gift. And in return you will be good. This is the arrangement.
    • Death having trouble with the fake beard and looking too thin on account of being a skeleton in a suit with a pillow stuffed down his shirt. It doesn't even make him look fat, just normal-ish.
    • Albert has to remind him that the appropriate opening line after Ho Ho Ho is not Cower, brief mortals!
    • The store owner talking to the Watch:
      "I want you to arrest him!"
      "Who, sir?"
      "The Hogfather!"
      "Because he's sitting up there bold as brass in his Grotto, giving away presents!"
    • And Nobby asks him for a present, acting just like any little kid intimidated by being in Santa's lap.
      Have you been a good bo... a good dwa... a good gno... a good individual?
    • Death giving a sword to a little girl.
      Mother: You can't give her that! It's not safe!
      Death: It's a sword. It's not meant to be safe.
      Crumley: She's a child!
      Death: It's educational.
      Crumley: What if she cuts herself?
      Death: That will be an important lesson.
  • Ridcully experimenting with "Bloody Stupid" Johnson's bathroom. Especially his discovery of the "Old Faithful" lever...
  • Death's attempts to make the pigs fly falling completely flat
    • Made funnier when Albert figures out the correct "incantation".
    Death: Really? You think that would work?
    Albert: It'd bloody well work on me if I was a pig, master.
    Death: Very well then. APPLE! SAUCE!
  • The restaurant staff making a complete menu based on boots, laces and mud by describing the dishes in Quirmian.
    • One chef draws the line at "Café de la térre" that's just mud and hot water.
    Chef: Surely they'll spot that!
    Manager: They haven't yet.
    • At the end of the book, the Canting Crew receive some of the restaurant's food as a "Begone" Bribe. They find the taste oddly familiar.
  • Bilius, the Oh God of hangovers. Not the god, the oh god. Because what does a person say when under his influence...?
    • And then there's the ultimate hangover cure. That sequence is hilarious, particularly when Ridcully adds the Wow-Wow Sauce.
  • Hex ceasing to work unless he is FTB-enabled. Which is to say it throws a tantrum when its Fluffy Teddy Bear is taken away.
    • And of course, where the teddy bear came from. After Death instructs Hex to believe in the Hogfather, Hex begins to write, +++ Dear Hogfather, For Hogswatch I Want-
    Oh, no. You can't write lett- (Death paused) You can, can't you.
    • Of course, Death doesn't exactly know what exactly Hex is asking for, so he settles on a compromise. How old is Hex, really...?
    • And Hex vs. Ridcully. Ridcully threatens Hex with a hammer, while Ponder is astonished and somewhat worried that Hex seems to understand the concept.
  • Death keeping count of how many pies and sherries Albert has had to eat and drink in a single night
    Death: (tallying the sherries so far) One million, eight hundred thousand, seven hundred and six. And sixty eight thousand, three hundred and nineteen pork pies. And one turnip.
    Albert: It looked pork pie shaped. Everything does after a while...
  • Death's attempt at a Hogswatch card. (He tried to add some snow, but it melted. He tried to put a robin on it, but it flew away. It would not get into the Hogswatch spirit at all.)
  • Mr Teatime tries to be reassuring:
    A violent death is the last thing that will happen to you.
  • The footnote to the origin stories of the Hogfather. On passing by a house, or so he says, a king is moved by the plight of some girls, who are unable to celebrate Hogswatch. He throws a packet of sausages through the window... concussing one of them, but there is no point in ruining a good legend.
  • Ridcully's line after the Bursar talking with Hex cures the Bursar of his insanity, but drives Hex mad in turn:
    Ridcully: Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence any day.
    • He then cures Hex of its Bursar-grade madness by entering the following data: "Lots of Dried Frorg Pills".
  • When the wizards realize that they've been calling new anthropomorphic personifications into existence, the Bursar wonders what happens to the socks that go missing. There's a tell-tale jingling of bells...
    Ridcully: (pointing dramatically upwards) To the laundry!
    Dean: The laundry's downstairs, Ridcully.
    Ridcully: Down to the laundry!
    • This is possibly a callback to The Light Fantastic in which the Wizards follow a reality altering spell up through the various floors of the University, each time shouting "Quick! To the (insert floor above name here)."
    • Then there's his stern instruction to the other wizards shortly afterwards: "No-one is to look like a sock, understood?"
  • Death getting stuck in the iron stove. It's especially funny in the live-action adaptation thanks to Death's deadpan voice.
    Death: This is really, really stupid.
    • Which is followed by an argument between Death and Albert about how much to give a poor child, and containing perhaps the greatest Literal-Minded joke ever:
    Death: Please enlighten me. What is so important about having a pot to piss in?
  • In a footnote, the story of the Quirmian philosopher Ventre, who made up the Discworld equivalent of Pascal's Wager:
    'Possibly the gods exist, and possibly they do not. So why believe in them in any case? If it's all true you'll go to a lovely place when you die, and if it isn't then you've lost nothing, right?' When he died he woke up in a circle of gods holding nasty-looking sticks, and one of them said, 'We're going to show you what we think of Mr Clever Dick in these parts...'
  • Death disguising himself as a snowman when he arrives to deal with the Auditors.
  • Throughout the book, whenever a new personification is created, there's this tell-tale jingling of bells that Ridcully takes notice of, and wonders who's causing it. Near the end of the book, he finds a little imp holding some bells ("The Glingle-Glingle-Glingle Fairy"). In frustration, Ridcully chases it out of the bathroom, clearly fed up with the whole affair.