* The sequence where the real (or rather, less false) Hogfather takes over the "Mall Santa" equivalent is outstanding.
-->'''Death:''' [[AC:It's the expression on their little faces I like.]]\\
'''Albert:''' You mean the sort of fear and awe and not knowing whether to laugh or cry or wet their pants?
** It's sad that Death is trying so hard, and yet failing in the role so utterly:
--->'''Death:''' [[AC:I will give you a gift. And in return you will be good. This is the arrangement.]]
** Death having trouble with the fake beard and looking too thin on account of being a skeleton in a suit with a pillow stuffed down his shirt. It doesn't even make him look fat, just normal-ish.
** Albert has to remind him that the appropriate opening line after [[AC:Ho Ho Ho]] is ''not'' [[AC:Cower, brief mortals!]]
** The store owner talking to the Watch:
--->"I want you to arrest him!"\\
"Who, sir?"\\
"The Hogfather!"\\
"Because he's sitting up there bold as brass in his Grotto, giving away presents!"
** And ''Nobby'' asks him for a present, acting just like any little kid intimidated by being in Santa's lap.
--->[[AC:Have you been a good bo... a good dwa... a good gno... a good individual?]]
*** Followed by Nobby's unadultered glee at the AutomaticCrossbow he got.
** Death giving a sword to a little girl.
--->'''Mother''': You can't give her that! It's not safe!\\
'''Death''': [[AC:It's a sword. It's not meant to be safe.]]\\
'''Crumley''': She's a child!\\
'''Death''': [[AC:It's educational.]]\\
'''Crumley''': What if she cuts herself?\\
'''Death''': [[AC:That will be an important lesson.]]
* Ridcully experimenting with "Bloody Stupid" Johnson's bathroom. Especially his discovery of the "Old Faithful" lever...
** "Ye gods, I've never felt so ''clean!''"
** We may never know [[NoodleIncident what happened when the Librarian played the organ while Ridcully was in the shower]], but damn if the ''concept'' isn't fun.
* Death's attempts to make the pigs fly falling completely flat
** Made funnier when Albert figures out the correct [[MundaneMadeAwesome "incantation"]].
-->'''Death''': [[AC:Really? You think that would work?]]
-->'''Albert''': It'd bloody well work on me if I was a pig, master.
-->'''Death''': [[AC: Very well then. APPLE! SAUCE!]]
* The restaurant staff making a complete menu based on boots, laces and mud by describing the dishes in [[FrenchCuisineIsHaughty Quirmian.]]
** One chef draws the line at "Café de la térre" that's just mud and hot water.
-->'''Chef''': Surely they'll spot that!
-->'''Manager''': They haven't yet.
** At the end of the book, the Canting Crew receive some of the restaurant's food as a BegoneBribe. They find the taste oddly familiar.
* Bilius, the Oh God of hangovers. Not the god, the ''oh god''. Because what does a person say when under his influence...?
** And then there's the ultimate hangover cure. That sequence is hilarious, particularly when Ridcully adds the Wow-Wow Sauce.
* Hex ceasing to work unless he is FTB-enabled. Which is to say it throws a tantrum when its Fluffy Teddy Bear is taken away.
** And of course, where the teddy bear came from. After Death instructs Hex to believe in the Hogfather, Hex begins to write, +++ Dear Hogfather, For Hogswatch I Want-
-->[[AC:Oh, no. ''You'' can't write lett-]] ''(Death paused)'' [[AC:You can, can't you.]]
** Of course, Death doesn't exactly know what ''exactly'' Hex is asking for, so he settles on a compromise. How old is Hex, really...?
** And Hex vs. Ridcully. Ridcully threatens Hex with a hammer, while Ponder is astonished and somewhat worried that Hex seems to understand the concept.
* Death keeping count of how many pies and sherries Albert has had to eat and drink in a single night
-->'''Death''': ''(tallying the sherries so far)'' [[AC:One million, eight hundred thousand, seven hundred and six. And sixty eight thousand, three hundred and nineteen pork pies. And one turnip.]]
-->'''Albert''': It looked pork pie shaped. Everything does after a while...
* Death's attempt at a Hogswatch card. (He tried to add some snow, but it melted. He tried to put a robin on it, but it flew away. It would not get into the Hogswatch spirit at all.)
* Mr Teatime tries to be reassuring:
-->A violent death is the ''last'' thing that will happen to you.
* The footnote to the origin stories of the Hogfather. On passing by a house, or so he says, a king is moved by the plight of some girls, who are unable to celebrate Hogswatch. He throws a packet of sausages through the window... concussing one of them, but there is no point in ruining a good legend.
* Ridcully's line after the Bursar talking with Hex cures the Bursar of his insanity, but drives ''Hex'' mad in turn:
--> '''Ridcully:''' Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence any day.
** He then cures Hex of its Bursar-grade madness by entering the following data: "Lots of Dried Frorg Pills".
* When the wizards realize that they've been calling new anthropomorphic personifications into existence, the Bursar wonders what happens to the socks that go missing. There's a tell-tale jingling of bells...
-->'''Ridcully:''' ''(pointing dramatically upwards)'' To the laundry!
-->'''Dean:''' The laundry's downstairs, Ridcully.
-->'''Ridcully:''' ''Down'' to the laundry!
** This is possibly a callback to The Light Fantastic in which the Wizards follow a reality altering spell up through the various floors of the University, each time shouting "Quick! To the (insert floor above name here)."
** Then there's his stern instruction to the other wizards shortly afterwards: "No-one is to look like a sock, understood?"
* Death getting stuck in the iron stove. It's especially funny in the live-action adaptation thanks to Death's deadpan voice.
-->'''Death''':[[AC: This is really, really stupid.]]
** Which is followed by an argument between Death and Albert about how much to give a poor child, and containing perhaps the greatest LiteralMinded joke ever:
-->'''Death''':[[AC: Please enlighten me. What is so important about having a pot to piss in?]]
* In a footnote, the story of the Quirmian philosopher Ventre, who made up the Discworld equivalent of Pascal's Wager:
-->'Possibly the gods exist, and possibly they do not. So why believe in them in any case? If it's all true you'll go to a lovely place when you die, and if it isn't then you've lost nothing, right?' When he died he woke up in a circle of gods holding nasty-looking sticks, and one of them said, 'We're going to show you what we think of Mr Clever Dick in these parts...'
* Death disguising himself as a snowman when he arrives to deal with the Auditors.
* Throughout the book, whenever a new personification is created, there's this tell-tale jingling of bells that Ridcully takes notice of, and wonders who's causing it. Near the end of the book, he finds a little imp holding some bells ("The Glingle-Glingle-Glingle Fairy"). In frustration, Ridcully chases it out of the bathroom, clearly fed up with the whole affair.