Funny / Heathers

The Film

  • "I love my dead gay son!"
  • "Fuck me gently with a chainsaw!"
  • "Dear diary: My teenage angst bullshit now has a body count..."
  • "I prayed for the death of Heather Chandler many times and I felt bad everytime I did it but I kept doing it anyway. Now I know you understood everything. Praise Jesus, Hallelujah."
  • [Veronica writing in diary] "Betty Finn was a true friend and I sold her out for a bunch of Swatch dogs and Diet Coke heads. Killing Heather would be like offing the wicked witch of the west... wait east. West! God! I sound like a fucking psycho."
  • The cops finding the mineral water at the site of the "gay suicide pact" crime scene: "This explains everything."
  • "Whether to kill yourself or not is one of the most important decisions a teenager can make!"
  • J.D. may have been Ax-Crazy, but some of his snark was pretty funny:
    Kurt: Hey, Ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a no fags policy?
    J.D.: Well, they, uh, seem to have an open door policy on assholes, though, don't they?
  • J.D. lighting the cigarette off Veronica's burn.
  • Veronica's matter of fact delivery of the line, "If Heather [Duke] was going to cut her wrists, the knife would be spotless"
  • Veronica's hell-and-back casual spectatorship of JD's suicide.
  • Ram's thoughts at Heather's funeral: "Jesus God in Heaven, why did you have to kill such hot snatch? It's a joke, man. Jeez, people are so serious. Hail Mary, who aren't in heaven, pray for all us sinners so we don't get caught. —Another joke, man. "
  • J.D. and Veronica spending a good 10 seconds attempting to produce phlegm to spit in Heather C.'s drink.
  • "Stupid childproof caps!"
  • Veronica's prayer over Heather Chandler's casket at her funeral.
    Veronica: (looking up) Hi. I'm sorry. Technically, I did not kill Heather Chandler, but hey, who am I trying to kid, right? I just want my high school to be a nicer place. Amen. (Beat.) ...Did that sound bitchy?
  • Any of the exchanges between Jason and the scene-stealing "Big Bud" Dean. Plus, Veronica's reaction to them.
    Oh great, the Beaver's home!
  • Heather Duke's little "why?" at the end of the croquet scene

The Musical

  • JD during "Our Love is God," is absolutely terrifying, but Kurt's complete confusion somewhat lightens it .
    J.D: Get off the fence! Get off the damn fence!
    J.D: *singing* We can start and finish wars. We're what killed the dinosaurs. We're the asteroid that's overdue...
    J.D: *singing* The dinosaurs will turn to dust-
  • "I'm hot and pissed and on the Pill!"
  • All of "Blue," in some contrast to the underlying matter at hand.
  • "Jesus! You're making me sound like Air Supply."
  • On the soundtrack, "Dead Girl Walking" is a fun, sexy Intercourse with You song. Live, it's hysterical, because the actress really plays up Veronica's drunkenness. Barrett Wilbert Weed's "shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." is hilarious, and gets a huge laugh out of the audience every time.
  • "No discernible personality, but her mom did pay for implants..."
  • "Why, when you see boys fight, does it look so horrible but... Feel so riiiiiiight?"
  • "We gave it a shot, okay? I'm resigning my commission from the lipgloss Gestapo."
  • Fight For Me live: "Could you be seen with me, and still act proud? *sees Ram, just punched, on the floor* HAHAHA."
  • Heather M's first line. Definitely an establishing character moment.
    Heather Chandler: For a greasy little nobody, you do have good bone structure.
    Heather Mcnamara: And a symmetrical face... If I took a meat cleaver down the center of your skull, I'd have matching halves. That's very important.
  • Fight For Me is pretty hilarious when everyone is frozen in silly positions and facial expressions.
    • A particularly funny moment is when Kurt stands back up and throws a punch at JD...and misses. Still in slow motion, JD raises his arms like he's saying "Really? You missed me?"
  • The beginning of "Blue (Reprise)"
    Heather Duke: I remember differently. I seem to recall there was a-
  • "What is that that I smell in the air? Is that... tolerance?"
  • Veronica's attempt to make a joke after Heather C.'s death in order to keep herself calm. It fails miserably. (See Signature Laugh below.)
    Hahahaha. Hahahahahahahahahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA — OH MY GOD!
  • Every second of drunk!Veronica. Especially her cheesy dancing in "Big Fun."
  • Veronica's Signature Laugh in general is always funny.
  • "Don't be a dick, that stuff would kill her." "Thus, ending her hangover!"
  • Veronica abruptly shouting that she killed Heather, Kurt and Ram during the assembly.