Funny / Heathers

The Film

  • In the beginning of the movie, we see three of the Heathers play croquet. When it's Heather Chandler's turn, her ball ends up hitting Veronica's head, while Veronica is for some reason buried in the ground up to her head.
  • "I love my dead gay son!"
  • "Fuck me gently with a chainsaw!"
  • "Dear diary: My teen-angst bullshit now has a body count..."
  • "I prayed for the death of Heather Chandler many times and I felt bad everytime I did it but I kept doing it anyway. Now I know you understood everything. Praise Jesus, Hallelujah."
  • [Veronica writing in diary] "Betty Finn was a true friend and I sold her out for a bunch of Swatch dogs and Diet Coke heads. Killing Heather would be like offing the wicked witch of the west... wait east. West! God! I sound like a fucking psycho."
  • The cops finding the mineral water at the site of the "gay suicide pact" crime scene: "This explains everything."
  • "Whether to kill yourself or not is one of the most important decisions a teenager can make!"
  • J.D. may have been Ax-Crazy, but some of his snark was pretty funny:
    Kurt: Hey, Ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a no fags policy?
    J.D.: Well, they, uh, seem to have an open door policy on assholes, though, don't they?
  • J.D. lighting the cigarette off Veronica's burn.
  • Veronica's matter of fact delivery of the line, "If Heather [Duke] was going to cut her wrists, the knife would be spotless"
  • Veronica's hell-and-back casual spectatorship of JD's suicide.
  • Ram's thoughts at Heather's funeral: "Jesus God in Heaven, why did you have to kill such hot snatch? It's a joke, man. Jeez, people are so serious. Hail Mary, who aren't in heaven, pray for all us sinners so we don't get caught. —Another joke, man. "
  • J.D. and Veronica spending a good 10 seconds attempting to produce phlegm to spit in Heather C.'s drink.
  • "Stupid child-proof caps!"
  • Veronica's prayer over Heather Chandler's casket at her funeral.
    Veronica: (looking up) Hi. I'm sorry. Technically, I did not kill Heather Chandler, but hey, who am I trying to kid, right? I just want my high school to be a nicer place. Amen. (Beat.) ...Did that sound bitchy?
  • Any of the exchanges between Jason and the scene-stealing "Big Bud" Dean. Plus, Veronica's reaction to them.
    Oh great, the Beaver's home!
  • Heather Duke's little "why?" at the end of the croquet scene

The Musical

  • JD during "Our Love is God," is absolutely terrifying, but Kurt's complete confusion somewhat lightens it .
    J.D: Get off the fence! Get off the damn fence!
    J.D: (singing) We can start and finish wars. We're what killed the dinosaurs. We're the asteroid that's overdue...
    J.D: (singing) The dinosaurs will turn to dust-
  • "I'm hot and pissed and on the Pill!"
    • Coupled with an Aside Glance to the audience, as if to say, "Don't worry, folks. This ain't THAT kind of story."
  • All of "Blue," in some contrast to the underlying matter at hand.
  • "Jesus, you're making me sound like Air Supply!"
  • "Freeze Your Brain" live has Veronica ask J.D if his mom knows he eats so many slushies. His response?
    J.D: Not anymore. (Singing) When mom was alive, we lived halfway normal. Now it's just me and my dad, we're less formal.
    (Veronica looks to the audience with an expression that says, "FUCK I should have kept my mouth shut.")
  • On the soundtrack, "Dead Girl Walking" is a fun, sexy Intercourse with You song. Live, it's hysterical, because the actress really plays up Veronica's drunkenness. Barrett Wilbert Weed's "shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." is hilarious, and gets a huge laugh out of the audience every time.
  • "No discernible personality, but her mom did pay for implants..."
  • "Why, when you see boys fight, does it look so horrible but... Feel so riiiiiiight?"
  • "We gave it a shot, okay? I'm resigning my commission from the lipgloss Gestapo."
  • Fight For Me live: "Could you be seen with me, and still act proud? (Sees Kurt, just kicked in the nuts, on the floor) HAHAHA."
  • Heather M's first line. Definitely an establishing character moment.
    Heather Chandler: For a greasy little nobody, you do have good bone structure.
    Heather Mcnamara: And a symmetrical face... If I took a meat cleaver down the center of your skull, I'd have matching halves. That's very important.
  • Fight For Me is pretty hilarious when everyone is frozen in silly positions and facial expressions.
    • A particularly funny moment is when Kurt stands back up and throws a punch at JD...and misses. Still in slow motion, JD raises his arms like he's saying "Really? You missed me?"
  • The beginning of "Blue (Reprise)"
    Heather Duke: I remember differently. I seem to remember there was a-
  • "What is that that I smell in the air? Is that... tolerance?"
  • Veronica's attempt to make a joke after Heather C.'s death in order to keep herself calm. It fails miserably. (See Signature Laugh below.)
    HAHAHAHAHA. Hahaha. Heh heh. Hmm. (Sees that Heather is still dead) OH MY GOD!
    • Coupled with J.D.'s "...the hell?" look, implying that J.D. - the sociopathic teenage Serial Killer - thinks she's lost it.
  • Every second of drunk!Veronica. Especially her cheesy dancing in "Big Fun."
  • Veronica's Signature Laugh in general is always funny.
  • "Don't be a dick, that stuff would kill her." "Thus, ending her hangover!"
  • Veronica abruptly shouting that she killed Heather, Kurt and Ram during the assembly, only for Heather Duke to laugh it off, believing she only said it for attention.
    • Also in at least one production of the musical, when Veronica is on the verge of revealing the truth about the deaths in her rant, JD can be seen frantically gesturing for her to shut up.
  • During the "Me Inside of Me" sequence of the Illegal Heathers production, Heather Chandler's actress can be seen mouthing a sincere apology to the audience for the abysmal performance of the rest of the cast, and slowly grows visibly more frustrated with the whole thing.
  • "My date for the pep rally kinda blew... me off."