- Dexter's narration introducing himself while he's out on the boat and talking about his parents being dead, then swearing that he didn't kill them.
- When the team examined the block of ice from the Ice Truck Killer, we got this hilarious exchange:
Debra: Watching ice melt, this is fun.
Masuka: Stand a little closer, Morgan, and I'll melt your heart.
Batista: I think he's got a crush on you, Dex!
Masuka: Yo, I was talking to Morgan the sister. Vince Masuka only swings one way.
Debra: Yeah, from vine to vine...
Lt. Laguerta: Enough! Glad to see the sexual harassment seminar really paid off!
- In Episode 3, Dexter is stalking a boy who committed murder in the past and he believes will kill again. The boy has convinced a friend to hunt alligators, and it looks like that was a ruse to lure him there and kill him. Dexter interupts this and then wonders what he's doing there (saving someone's life). At this point, the actual alligator lunges at Dexter causing him to fall in the mud. He then bangs his head on a tree.
- Miami PD has discovered one of Dexter's victims courtesy of the Ice Truck Killer. Dex tries to convince Masuka that the injection site where he loaded up the victim with tranquilizers was a bug bite, but Masuka isn't buying it. He discovers tranquilizers, and a list of names of people who have access to it. Dex's (internal) response?
Dexter: That's it. No more donuts for Masuka.
- Rita saying "I can't help it. I kill things", and Dexter giving her a sympathetic look.
- Dexter postponing the torture of a couple to quiz them on how to form a loving relationship.
- A romantic date with Rita watching Terms Of Endearment. We see Rita crying buckets as she watches, then looks at Dexter's completely unemotional face. He's wondering if he can make his eyes water by not blinking. He decides to break the silence by attempting oral sex on her.
- Paul, Rita's abusive ex-husband, is attempting to legally remove Rita's custody of her children. Alone in the kitchen, Paul snidely threatens Dexter and Rita. We never get to hear him finish his threat, because Dexter promptly clocks him over the head with a frying pan. The real kicker to the scene is Dexter staring down at the body, cringing with the realization of what he just did. Of course, he finds a solution...
- What makes it funny is that he doesn't cringe in a "What have I done?" kind of way, but rather in an "Oops!" kind of way.
- In episode 7, he tries to psyche out Dexter by throwing a punch at him and stopping inches from his head, Dexter doesn't even flinch, Rita and Dexter talking about it after it is priceless.
Rita: Did he threaten you?
Dexter: No, he was just marking his territory.
Rita: Fucking bastard!
Dexter: Only you can make those words sound cute.
- Dexter's admission to his temporary psychiatrist that he's a serial killer, followed by the nearly orgasmic noise and face he makes as the relief of finally saying that out loud washes over him, always draws a laugh. It really shouldn't.
Dexter: ...I'm a serial killer. [pause, then lets out a deep sigh] Oh God. That feels so amazing to say out loud [...] I'm not joking; I kill people. Whoo. There it is again.
- Episode 9, Dexter and Rita end up going to Dexter's recently deceased biological dad's house and Rudy and Debra show up to help. Dexter's thoughts on the matter the next morning is priceless.
Dexter: When did a man dying become a couple's weekend?
- Two words:
Doakes: Surprise, motherfucker.
- Also from Doakes when Dexter matches him pound for pound in a fight: "Lab geek, my ass!"
- Dexter imagines himself a parade after killing the Ice Truck Killer.
"YEAH, DEXTER, PROTECTING OUR CHILDREN!"
- Doakes and Deb having dinner at Doakes family's house, and how Doakes has to sit there and be polite while everyone else teases him and makes him uncomfortable.
- The Ice Truck Killer wrapping body parts and singing "Deck the Halls." They're very festive.
- In the season finale, when Doakes and La Guerta stop by Dexter's apartment. He's torn the place apart, looking for some clue from the Ice Truck Killer. La Guerta asks Dexter what happened. "I, uh...couldn't find the remote." Michael C. Hall's delivery is a perfect deadpan.
- Dexter's conversation with Roger Hicks before killing him.
Dexter: Why can't I do that?
Hicks: Do what?
Dexter: Lie like that? And I thought I was good, but you...[Gives an Italian "Bellissimo" gesture]
Hicks: I don't lie!
Dexter: ...OK, that one was weak.
- Doakes: "You owe me a new Michelin, you motherfucker!" -Season 2 Ep. 3
- Near the end of Season 2, when Doakes corners Dexter with one of his fresh kills, Dexter's deadpan response is the blackest of black humour:
Doakes: Jesus Christ, Morgan. Jesus fucking Christ, you're the Bay Harbour Butcher.
Dexter: [completely deadpan] I really hate that name.
- When Rita confronts Dexter about attacking Paul, the mood is very tense and it seems as if Rita is about to find out that Dexter is a killer. She then does a complete 180* on our expectations and concludes that Dexter is a heroin addict.
- But the best is and will always be the montage of Dexter admitting he's the Butcher to Deb.
- Dexter has a period where he behaves almost sane. The narration stops for about an episode and a half. At one point, things take a turn for the worse, and the narration begins again, with this gem:
: "I need to delete that file, make up with Rita, and while I'm at it, I may as well end world hunger, too, since this can't get much more difficult. And the voices are back! Great.
- When Dexter and Deb are roommates and getting on each other's nerves. Dexter's voiceover: "I will not kill my sister, I will not kill my sister, I will not kill my sister....." From anyone else, meh. From him, hilarious.
- Dexter keeping calm while having dinner with Rita's mother by pretending she's an alien.
Dexter: [thoughts] I've always been good with parents. The key is to simply think of them as aliens from a distant universe.
[Dexter sees Gail's old fashioned clothing]
Dexter: [thoughts] You have fibres and threads unknown to us. Your ancient customs intrigue me.
Gail: So, Dexter. Tell me everything there is to know about you.
Dexter: [thoughts] You have made me your sworn enemy, evil woman.
- A stressed-out Masuka complains to Dexter that the Bay Harbor Butcher is "butchering my social life!" He then leaves the room. Dexter's response? A soft "Sorry."
- After Deb walks into the apartment and finds a naked Lila raiding the fridge:
Deb: Who the fuck are you?
Lila: Hi, I'm Lila. *looks down, remembers she's topless* Pardon my tits.
- Deb: Are you trying to fuck her or set her on fire?◊
- Deb: She's like a Gross, English... Titty... Vampire!
- Pascal just screwed up talking to the media.
Angel: You know, Pascal is just caught in a cycle of reaction. She's not co-creating her own reality.
Dexter: You know those words don't actually mean anything, right?
- Cody has a nightmare about the Bay Harbor Butcher, Rita's response to it when she's talking to Dexter sells it.
Rita: [talking about the "Bay Harbor Butcher"] It makes me so angry that there's some monster out there scaring my son.
Dexter: [uncomfortable] I gotta go to work.
Rita: You know, I hope they catch him today. And I'm not a violent person, but I hope they'll hurt him. Have a good day. kisses Dexter goodbye]
Dexter: [voiceover] Make up your mind.
- The Dark Defender....no, Miami's too hot for all that leather.
- Dexter at rehab for the first time.
Dexter: No self control, lost everything, trying to stop; same whiny story over and over for …
[Dexter checks his watch.]
Dexter: Ten minutes? Feels like ten hours.
Addict: I'd kill for a Vicodin.
Dexter: [thoughts] Lightweight.
- Deb's big shit-eating grin and wave at Lila when she tells her that Dexter lied about working late.
- Roger Hicks sees Dexter checking out a minivan, and gives him the usual "family-friendly, kids love it" pitch. Dexter is about to walk away since all he needs is Hicks's DNA, until Hicks mentions the stow-away seats, giving the car a huge trunk with tinted windows. Cut to Dexter driving into Miami Metro with the minivan.
- After Lila frames Batista for rape and they need her fingerprints, Angel brings his microwave to the station. Matsuka asks if they don't have anything smaller and Batista explains that she microwaved some popcorn. Matsuka's deadpan response: "Next time, make her a cup of tea."