Funny / Charlie Wilson's War

  • Virtually any time that master snarker Gust Avrokatos is speaking qualifies, particularly during his first meeting with Charlie. Charlie has to go back and forth between Gust, and Charlie's secretaries updating him about some prosecutor named Rudy Giuliani going after him for his... 'extracurricular' activities. Trying to hide the possible scandal from Gust turns out to be fruitless when Gust walks back in to the office and starts offering advice on how to contain the situation.
    Charlie (outraged): Were you standing at the goddamn door listening to me? How could you even—That is a thick door! You stood there and you listened to me?
    Gust (casually): I didn't stand at the door. Don't be an idiot. I bugged the Scotch bottle.
    Charlie: What!
    Gust: It's got a little transmitter on it, I've got a little thing in my ear, get past it.
    Charlie: Well, should we try this Scotch, or is it gonna release sarin gas when I open it?
    Gust: Oh, I don't think so, but open it over there.
    Charlie: You ain't James Bond
    Gust: And you ain't Thomas Jefferson, so let's call it even.
  • Later in the same meeting after Charlie complains that CIA officer Harold Holt ignored Charlie's offer to help get the funding needed for the Afghan rebels.
    Gust: Well, Harold Holt's a massive tool, Congressman. He's a cake-eater, he's a clown, he's a bad station chief, and I don't mean to cast aspersions on the guy, but he's gonna get us all killed.
    Charlie: ...Really?
    Gust: Yeah.
  • And again.
    Charlie: You mean to tell me that the U.S. strategy in Afghanistan is to have the Afghans keep walking into machine gun fire 'til the Russians run out of bullets?
    Gust: That's Harold Holt's strategy, that's not U.S. strategy.
    Charlie: What is U.S. strategy?
    Gust: Well, strictly speaking, we don't have one. But we're workin' hard on that.
    Charlie: Who's "we"?
    Gust: Me and three other guys.
  • Charlie and Gust travel to Israel to see about securing Soviet made weapons to avoid any direct connection to American armaments but that means getting them from Arab nations. So...
    Zvi: Now, just to sum this up in a nutshell; You want me to steer Israel towards an arms deal with Egypt, Pakistan, and Afghanistan?
    Charlie: And Saudi Arabia.
    Zvi: Well, just a couple of problems I can foresee off the top of my head.
    Charlie: Look-
    Zvi: Charlie-
    Charlie: I know.
    Zvi: Pakistan and Afghanistan don't recognize our right to exist!
    Charlie: Calm down.
    Zvi: We just got done fighting a war against Egypt, and everyone who has ever tried to kill me or my family has been trained in Saudi Arabia!
    Gust: That's not entirely true, Zvi. I mean, some of them were trained by us.
  • After Zvi receives assurances that the meeting with the Egyptians is going to be handled "professionally."
    Charlie: A friend of mine is a well known belly dancer in Texas. It's always been her dream to perform in Egypt, so she's our way in. While she's dancing for the Defense Minister, we'll be talking to the deputy.
    Zvi: Oh my God.
    Gust: No, she's supposed to be pretty good.
  • Every moment of the confrontation with his superior.
    Craverly: [After being accused of banging a coworker's fiancee] I'm not, I'm not I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response...
    Gust: Yeah, you're dignifying her in the ass, at the Jefferson Hotel, Room 1210, but let me ask you, the three thousand agentsnote  Turner fired, was that because they lacked the proper diplomatic skills as well? Or did Turner not think it was a good idea to have spies who could speak the language of the people they're fuckin' spying on?
    Cravely: Well, I'm sorry, but you can hardly blame the Director for questioning the loyalty to America of people that are just barely Americans in the first place.
    Gust: Yeah, well, I'd like to take a moment to review the several ways in which you're a douchebag.
    Cravely: Get the fuck out of my office! Before I end your career, asshole.
    (Gust grabs the repairman tool and breaks the exact same window in Cravely's office that he had broken the last time he was there)
    Gust: My loyalty?!? For twenty four years people have been trying to kill me! People who know how. Now do you think that's because my dad was a Greek soda pop maker? Or do you think that's because I'm an American spy?
  • Gust remarks that the mules are getting better health care than the Afghans, and then his incredulous reaction when he's told that the mules have to be trained to carry stuff through the mountains: "Aren't they born with that instinct? I mean, isn't that something they want to do naturally?"
  • The belly dance.
    "That's not any belly dance I'm familiar with."
    • Also counts as Lampshade Hanging, as real Egyptian belly dancing is nothing like that.
  • "I cannot just call up a judge and tell him what to do." "Why?" "Well, 'cause it's against a shitload of really good laws, Gary."
  • In the book, a retired colonel proudly shows off his newly-developed 30mm anti-material rifle, has an accidental discharge and blows up a Texaco gas station.
  • Early on in the movie, Charlie has this to say after a harsh meeting with the Pakistani leader:
    "You know you've reached rock bottom when you're told you have character flaws by a man who hanged his predecessor in a military coup."
  • Gust putting a curse on his superior at the CIA.
  • Gust smashing the front window in his superior's office. For the second time. Right after the first one just got replaced.