Funny / Bull Durham

• After a weeks-long winning streak, the team is stressing out over a ton of issues and they all gather on the pitcher's mound to figure out what the hell they're doing. Coach Riggins sends the pitching coach (Robert Wuhl) to the mound to get the players settled down:
  Larry: Excuse me, but what the hell's going on out here?
  Crash: Well, Nuke's scared because his eyelids are jammed and his old man's here. We need a live... is it a live rooster?... We need a live rooster to take the curse off Jose's glove! And nobody seems to know what to get Millie or Jimmy for their wedding present. Is that about right?
  the players mumble and nod
  Crash: We're dealing with a lot of shit.
  Larry: Okay, well, uh... Candlesticks always make a nice gift, and uh, maybe you could find out where she's registered, and maybe a place-setting or maybe a silverware pattern. (nods) Okay, let's get two!
• Early on in the mentoring, Nuke shakes off Crash's call-sign. So Crash tells the batter which pitch is coming. The batter hits a home run. Crash then yells at the batter for just standing there and showing off ("Run, dummy!") before going back to the mound to let Nuke know exactly what he did. ("Boy, he really knocked the shit out of that one, didn't he?")
  • Later on, even after Nuke learns his lesson and follows Crash's advice, Nuke panics in the middle of his best night and shakes off Crash again.
    Crash (talking aloud to both batter and umpire): This son of a bitch is throwing a two-hit shutout. He's shaking me off. You believe that shit?
    (the umpire even nods to what Crash is saying)
    (to the batter) Charlie, here comes the Deuce. And when you speak of me, speak well.
    (making it funnier, this hitter is as much a vet as Crash, and just grins.)
  • And after the home run:
    Crash: Boy, that thing got out of here in a hurry. You'd think anything that flies that far oughta have a damn stewardess on it!
• The "Lollygaggers" rant by the coach.
  Skip: You guys. You lollygag the ball around the infield. You lollygag your way down to first. You lollygag in and out of the dugout. You know what that makes you? Larry!
  Larry: Lollygaggers!
  Skip: Lollygaggers. What's our record, Larry?
  Larry: Eight and sixteen.
  Skip: Eight... and sixteen. How'd we ever win eight?
  Larry: It's a miracle!
  Skip (sarcastic nod): It's a miracle. This... is a simple game. You throw the ball! You hit the ball! You catch the ball!
• At the beginning, when Crash finds out he's been sent down in the farm system amongst the rookies, he gets frustrated enough to quit. About two minutes of ranting to himself outside the coach's office, he pokes his head back in. "Who do we play tomorrow?"
• In his last game with the Bulls, Nuke pitches like shit because he's got nerves, pitching in front of his dad for the first time. Crash sets him straight: "Hey, he's your old man; he's just as full of shit as anyone else!"
• After their first night of lovemaking, Crash and Annie have a conversation about past lives. Annie thinks that with her love of four-legged creatures, in a past life she was probably Catherine the Great or Francis of Assisi.
  Crash: How come in former lifetimes, everybody is someone famous?
  [a beat, then both start laughing]
  Crash: How come nobody ever says they were Joe Schmo?
• During a game in which Nuke is cruising through the other team's lineup, Crash meets him at the mound and tells him to throw the next pitch at the bull mascot. Nuke doesn't understand the instruction, but does as he's told, and it turns out Crash made him do that just to make the other team think he's crazy and stop crowding the plate.
  Crash: I don't know where they're gonna go. Swear to God. <offscreen Evil Laugh>
• The night after Nuke spends the night at Annie's house, Larry (assuming he slept with her) tells him that that's great; he's gonna have a good year.
  Larry: So, is she as good as they say?
  [beat]
  Nuke: No, man, we didn't fuck. She read poetry to me all night; it was more tiring than fucking.
• "The rose goes in the front, big guy."
• The day of Nuke's first start, Skip finds him in the locker room having sex with Millie.
  Skip: Your first professional start, and you're leaving your arm in the locker room for some piece of ass!
  Millie: Skip! It is me! I am not some, quote, piece of ass, unquote.
  Skip: Oh. Millie. Sorry, I didn't recognize you. Uh, don't take this personally, Millie, but if I see you in here again, you're banned from the ballpark.
  Millie: You can't ban me from the ballpark 'cuz my daddy donated that scoreboard, and if you ban me, he might just take that scoreboard away!
  Skip: Well, what do we need a scoreboard for? We haven't scored any runs all year!
• The means by which Crash gets the team a rainout for the following day, and seeing Kevin Costner act like a three-year-old kid on the Slip 'n Slide.
• The reveal of how the Durham Bulls' announcers actually broadcast away games: they have someone at the game call in and reveal what happens and then provide the appropriate sound effects like an old radio play in the studio.^note  Truth in Television at the time; many radio stations and teams couldn't afford to send broadcasters to away games, so they translated a phone summary into a full commentary. Legend holds that when Ronald Reagan was a young sportscaster and was commentating on a baseball game using this technique, his phone summary of the middle of the game didn't come through, so he simply claimed the batter was hitting foul balls non-stop for half an hour until he finally received an update.
• The "cocksucker" argument between Crash and an umpire, which is bad for the Bulls but hilarious to watch. Crash gets mad at the umpire and says he made "a cocksucking call" (Crash tagged the other team's player out and the ump called it "safe"). The umpire spins around and gets in his face about whether Crash is "calling me a cocksucker". Crash initially denies it, insisting he said the ump made a cocksucking call, the ump doesn't listen and continues demanding to know if Crash is calling him a cocksucker, then Crash starts taunting him that he's begging to be called a cocksucker, and then he does call him a cocksucker to his face and gets thrown out of the game. Sold by the color commentary moments later:
  Teddy: (over the radio) I've never seen Crash so angry and frankly, Bull fans, he used a certain word that's a "no-no" with umpires.
  Milly: Crash musta called the guy a cocksucker.
  Annie: God, he's so romantic...

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