- "HEY, G.I.! FUCKó" *BOOM*
- FUCKIN' TIGER!
- During the helicopter ride:
Chef: How come all you guys sit on your helmets?
Soldier: So we don't get our balls blown off.
[Chef laughs uproariously]
[Chef takes off his helmet and sits on it]
- During one examination of Colonel Kurtz's profile information, Willard finally comes to the conclusion that Kurtz's methods were far more effective than the American government was letting on, and his notions on how to wage the war weren't all that insane at all—the masterminds of war may be even crazier than Kurtz is!:
Willard: No wonder Kurtz put a weed up Command's ass. The war was being run by a bunch of four-star clowns who were gonna end up giving the whole circus away.
Willard: Charging a man with murder in this place was like handing out speeding tickets at the Indy 500.
- Willard's view of the entire assassination mission being absurd begins even earlier than that. He muses on the reason why Kurtz was being marked for death, namely that he killed people he thought were enemy spies without authorization — an action that made the US Army charge Colonel Kurtz with the crime of murder. Willard laughs at the notion that you could charge someone with something as ridiculous as murder during a war.
- "Charlie don't surf!"
- The unmistakable satisfaction in Willard's voice over the following lines:
His report to Lyndon Johnson and the Joint Chiefs of Staff was classified. Seems they didn't dig what he had to tell them.
- Willard's faking out of an artillery strike coming towards Col. Kilgore's helicopter and stealing his surfboard.
- Chef with Miss May, dressing her up with a black wig and telling her to 'Stick her ass out' like Miss December, even calling her Miss December before she corrected him.
- Not to mention the bat-shit crazy sex encounter that followed, with Miss May telling him he kisses 'like a bird' and Chef flapping his wings like an eagle while riding her.
- It's Black Comedy, but Dennis Hopper still makes you laugh:
Photojournalist: [Willard is looking at the rows of impaled heads on sticks] The heads. You're looking at the heads. I, uh — sometimes he goes too far, you know. He's the first one to admit it.