Funny: Almost Human
Episode 1 - Pilot
- John dumping his MX out of a speeding car on the freeway because it was annoying him.
Rudy: [skeptical] He fell? Out of a moving car?
John Kennex: Yeah, crazy, huh? Must be some kind of software issue.
- After Dorian shows off for a few kids, they ask John if he can do anything cool. His idea of cool is stabbing himself in his fake leg, and sending the kids running away screaming.
Dorian: I've never even been a child and I can tell that was traumatizing. What's wrong with you, man?
- Rudy unintentionally reveals a bit more than he wanted:
Rudy: Not everyone who visits a sexbot is looking for sex. Some people go for the conversation or for a sympathetic ear at the end of a long working day surrounded by people who only ever come to visit when they want something from you.
- John finds out that Dorian created a dating profile for him. This after Dorian notices John acting flustered around the female sexbots. So while driving in a car:
Dorian: I ran a bio-scan and it looked like your testicles were at full capacity.
John: Youíre scanning my balls?!
Dorian: I didnít enjoy it. I just—
John: Oh my God—
Dorian: I canít help but notice.
John: —this is unbelievable.
Dorian: Youíre backed up.
John: What is the matter with you? [awkward pause] Donít scan my testicles. Ever again.
Dorian: Copy that.
- In the car on the way to work.
John: Hold this [hands Dorian a wire] and this [hands him another wire].
Dorian: What am I doing here?
John: You're heating my coffee. [Dorian tosses wires away, annoyed]. Hey, I like it hot.
Dorian: It's best between 155 and 175 degrees. Most people prefer it at 175. You like it at 165... [sticks finger in coffee] and that's what it is.
John: You know how I like my coffee?
Dorian: Yes, I unlike you, pay attention to detail. Like what time it is. And what time you're supposed to pick up your partner for shift.
John: Oh, I pay attention to details. Like how you just put your finger in my coffee.
Dorian: If you like, I could put it somewhere else.
- John attempting to keep a hostage on the phone calm by telling her a story about his childhood. How he fell through the ice during an ice fishing trip.
Dorian: Are you trying to put her to sleep?
- Dorian singing along to Elton John at the episode's end.
- Maldonado and John discussing Cooper's initial undercover work and continuing it:
John: The Bishop still needs a cook. I could pose as one, get a CI to vouch for me.
Maldonado: You can't cook ramen, let alone the Bends.
John: Oh, come on. I can cook ramen. [beat] I can *order* ramen.
- Dorian becoming irritated with John during his Japanese lunch break. John tells him that he's not leaving the restaurant until he finished his meal, claiming that it would be considered rude in Japanese culture. That's when Dorian has a conversation with the chef and orders John (what appears to be) a screaming slug creature that John is forced to eat to back up his earlier claims.
- When John and Dorian approach Rudy about going undercover as a drug cook, Rudy is so ecstatic about the idea that he becomes distracted by his reflection, envisioning himself as an Expy of a certain British spy. Following this he tries countless times to include a pair of spiffy glasses and a fedora for his disguise, which get shot down every time.
- Apparently the main side-effect to the drug that turns your body into a living GPS relay is...really embarrassing gas. Poor Rudy.
- After being scarred by the reveal of the MX's anatomical impairment, John asks Dorian if he's like them downstairs. Cue Dorian whipping his cyber-schlong out right there in the car.
John: Is that all for one person? Dude, put it away. Wait... you're a robot. What... what do you do with it?
Dorian: Probably the same thing you do with yours... nothing.
- The entire dialog segment is pretty amusing, too:
John: Oh, I can't get it out of my head.
Dorian: What are you talking about?
John: The life-sized Ken doll.
Dorian: That's what's bothering you? I'm the one that lives with them. I have no privacy, and they glare at me with their lifeless eyes. I'm miserable.
- The entire dialog segment is pretty amusing, too:
- Then, later on, one of the witnesses is talking:
Witness: I'm a psychic. And a medium. A little bit of both, I guess. [beat] A medium psychic? On good days, I'm a petite psychic.
- A former police DRN unit riding with Kennex and Dorian jumps out of Kennex's car to arrest a man he thinks is a fugitive. This results in an SUV rolling forward down a hill and smashing into a parked car which hits a fire hydrant which is blown into the air and hits a police drone which is damaged and thrown out of control, ricocheting off a building and smashing into an MX who is stopped nearby writing a ticket and carrying him through the door of a third vehicle. Kennex and Dorian watch the entire thing unable to say anything. Finished with the woman receiving the ticket waving and asking if this means she can go now.
- And in the end it turns out the guy wasn't a fugitive after all. The DRN's files were out of date.
- Sandra yelling at John for some mishaps.
- Dorian being stuck in Mood-Swinger mode all episode, due to being on low charge.
- Dorian's 'Oh God, no' face when he has to move in with Rudy at the end of the episode.
Dorian: [clenched teeth] Not what I had in mind, John!
- In the anger counselling class:
Counsellor: When you came to see me six months ago, your emotions were boiling over with hate. You were seething with frustration and disgust at your neighbors, at your fellow workers, at our government. But today, you are a different man.
(The man with the nametag "Jim" looks distinctly unimpressed with the glowing praise.)After the class has ended, Dorian meets up with John.
Dorian: Hey, Mr. Friendly. How was Angry Class 101?
John: Call me that again and I swear I'll stick my boot right in your face.
- Detective Stahl is responding to Richard's comment to Dorian:
Dorian: I'd be happy to help, Detective Stahl.
Richard: Don't stress yourself, bot. There's an easier way. (To Stahl) Your daddy's really good at hiding money, right? Why don't we just ask him how it's done.
Stahl: Stand up when you say that. Oh, wait, you are.
- The side-effect of Dorian taking the tracking bullet to the gut: He's stuck speaking Korean. And singing it too.
- Rudy's sudden enthusiasm for undercover work if it "even tangentially involves sexbots".
- Rudy fanboying Dr. Nigel Vaughn.
- Oh, Rudy.
John: You said something about good news.
Rudy: Um, yeah, that burning was nothing. Uh, my test results came back negative.Rudy: I don't know why I can't get it up. (flustered) I mean with her. I mean... with her signal. ''I'' can get it up. I have no problem in that department whatsoever. I'm just... that's not... really an appropriate thing to be talking about in the middle of an emergency with... you guys. I'll, uh... I'll just keep working on this.
- Kennex is annoyed with Dorian:
John: Well, look who it is. Benedict Android.Dorian: Good morning to you, too, John.John: Look, don't ever tell anybody where I am, where I was, what time I arrived or what time I left.Dorian: Captain Maldonado is our commanding officer.
- Dorian is reciting a laundry list of symptoms from "Membliss":
Dorian: ... and diarrhea.
- Kennex is informing Rudy of Detective Paul's "surgery":
Rudy: I didn't know he had his ear pierced.John: Not his ear. His... (looks down meaningfully) (Rudy winces) Yeah. He was told to go professional; he didn't listen.
- John continues to roll with the fun at Paul's expense to another officer inquiring about him:
John: Hemorrhoids. Internal... and external.
We're taking up a collection for him. We're gonna buy him one of those nice little donut pillows, you know?
- Dorian finally calls him on it:
Dorian: I looked at the roll call. It only says "personal day".John: Yeah, but doesn't that make you curious?
- Rudy mishears something:
Stahl: We're looking for someone named Crispin X. That sound familiar?Rudy: Familiar? Kristen X... that was one date, and I didn't know I had to pay her.
- John keeps on trucking having fun at Paul's expense:
Officer: Hey, I heard Detective Paul was in the hospital. What happened?John: Yeah. It was nasty. He got a, uh... infection from a sexbot. Apparently, you got to keep those things clean. Know what I mean?Officer: (sudden half-worried look on her face) Really?
- John catching on to her reaction to this is equally funny.
- The jokes at Paul's expense return at the end of the episode when the officer who got the "hemorrhoids" story comes by a completely baffled Maldonado's office with a donation collected from the guys in Patrol to go towards Paul's donut pillow fund.
- Dorian has answered John's phone:
Dorian: Uh, John Kennex's line ... Uh, he does not wish to speak with you right now. He is waving his hands, gesturing "no." ... Yes, I understand. I hate it when he does that, too.
- Dorian asks what John told the review board about his performance, and John decides to mess with Dorian a bit. He pretends he told the board about the time Dorian scanned his balls, and the time he showed John his robo-penis, and the time he kidnapped another DRN from the hospital, and...
- And then Detective Stahl continues her snarking at Paul's expense:
Paul: Yeah, this is — this is the last time I'm the homeless guy. You know how long it takes to wash this stink off?Stahl: You sure that's not your cologne, Paul?