Funny: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

The show itself

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Season One

  • In Ward's opening fight scene, a half-naked blonde walks in on him stealing the neural link, rolls her eyes as the fight starts, then just walks away.
    Ward: Your fireplace is broken.
  • About a minute into a fight scene between Agent Ward and some mooks, Mission Control contacts Ward:
    Mission Control: Ward, just a heads up, we've got some possible hostiles in your vicinity.
    Ward: Really?
  • Ward's debriefing.
    Maria Hill: What does S.H.I.E.L.D. stand for, Agent Ward?
    Agent Ward: Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division.
    Maria Hill: And what does that mean to you?
    Agent Ward: It means somebody really wanted our initials to spell "shield".
    • Even funnier when you know that S.H.I.E.L.D was founded in honour of Captain America by, among others, Howard Stark and Peggy Carter, meaning Ward's actually hit the nail on the head here. (Though in Iron Man, Coulson claimed they were struggling to come up with a shorter name for the organization - then again, with hindsight, this is Coulson we're talking about...)
    • When they reach the subject of The Avengers themselves.
    Agent Ward: I don't think Thor is...technically a god.
    Maria Hill: *mutters* You haven't been near his arms.
    • Ward then looks vaguely traumatized.
  • Coulson can't resist lampshading his own dramatic entrance.
    Coulson: Sorry, this corner was really dark, and I couldn't help myself. [beat] I think there's a bulb out.
  • Coulson, Hill, and Ward discussing Coulson's survival of the events of Avengers
    Ward: Director Fury faked your death to motivate the Avengers.
    Hill: Well, the death of a common ally is a particularly effective team-builder.
    Coulson: Plus, it wasn't that much of a stretch. I stopped breathing for about forty seconds.
    Hill: It gets longer every time you tell it.
    Coulson: Yeah, well, you get shanked by the Asgardian Mussolini, you can tell it your way. I was looking at the big, white light and it felt like a lot longer than eight seconds.
  • When Coulson goes over Ward's profile that Maria Hill made:
    Coulson: Under people skills, I think she drew a little poop. With knives sticking out of it.
    • Even better, Ward moves closer to have a look at it.
    • Then later after they are done with Ward.
      Hill: It was a porcupine. It was not a poop.
      Coulson: [beat] Pretty sure...
  • Coulson poking light fun at Melinda's current position in the SHIELD organization.
    Coulson: Making calls, no red tape.... [looks around] This is where they make the red tape, isn't it?
    • He also asks if she's ever considered adding a moat around her desk.
  • Blink and you'll miss it, but Fitz smacks Ward on the ass after the latter boards the plane.
  • Fitz smashing Ward's brand new comm unit with a mallet and Simmons cheerfully taking a cheek swab within a minute of Ward's entrance.
  • "Don't touch Lola."
  • Skye sends out a message towards SHIELD attempting to threaten them. As she continues her message, Agent Coulson and several other agents open the door of the van having tracked her down. All a shocked Skye can say is "Hey... What up?"
  • Between Ward and Skye when they capture her:
    Ward: There are two ways we can do this.
    Skye: Oh. Is one of them the easy way?
    Ward: No.
    Skye: Oh.
  • Ward says Skye is just like one of those cosplay girls that hang outside Stark Tower. She adamantly protests she is not...except for one time...
  • Ward, when he's injected with the Truth Serum. Coulson makes like he intends to inject Skye, and Ward assumes the same; then Coulson injects Ward and invites Skye to ask him anything she'd like if it'll help her trust S.H.I.E.L.D.
    Ward: And yes, it did hurt a little bit, but I was trying to mask my pain in front of beautiful women because I think it makes me seem more masculine - my God, this stuff works fast.
    • And after Coulson leaves, it's Skye who's doing the interrogating.
      Skye: Have you ever killed anyone?
      Ward: Yes, a few. High-risk targets. But they were terrible people who were trying to murder nice people. And I didn't feel good afterwards.
      Skye: Uh-huh. Does your grandmother know about these things?
      Ward: [pouts] Grammsy?
  • Fitz's blundering while talking to Skye.
    Fitz: So, uh, when you get back, I'll show you my thing. Uh, thing, it's's my hardware. My equipment! Gotta go.
  • Skye has this to say about Lola.
    It's a brave new world....In a very old car.
  • How do Fitz-Simmons and Ward celebrate after their first victory? Apparently, drinking beer and eating Chinese food.
  • It's a subtle one, but Ward's expression upon finding that "Fitzsimmons" is a pair of dividuals, rather than a single person, is pretty funny.

  • Skye's van is brought to S.H.I.E.L.D. mobile command:
    Skye: No joyriding, okay? It's my house.
  • Fitz and Simmons taking a selfie with the Peruvian ruins.
  • Coulson describing what he intends for Skye to do on The Team...
    Skye: So, why am I here?
    Coulson: Distraction. If something happens, you come up with a story, lead the public in the wrong direction.
    Skye: much everything I stand against?
    Coulson: Yup!
  • Everyone (including Melinda and Coulson) edging warily back from the device when the latter warns that it's much more dangerous than a nuclear bomb.
  • After being captured and stowed in the cargo hold.
    Fitz: This is all my fault. I should have learned kung-fu.
  • After Melinda snaps her wrist to slip free of her bonds and take out the mook guarding them, she turns back to the rest of the team, and we get a shot of the four of them (even Ward, who knew exactly who she was and what she could do) staring in shock.
    Melinda: You guys talk a lot. [drives a car through the door]
  • Camilla reasoning that everything Coulson is doing - the Cool Car, the big jet ("Your airborne mancave"), his renewed idealism, the team of attractive young people - is a mid-life crisis.
    Coulson:...more like after-life.
    • The after-life comment is now more of a "Funny Aneurysm" Moment given the revelations in the episode The Magical Place.
  • All of Nick Fury's cameo at the end of the episode where he lectures Coulson on allowing the jet to be damaged on its second mission.
    Fury: Really? Really, Coulson? Six days? It only took you six days to take a completely renovated piece of state-of-the-art machinery, and turn it into scrap?
    Fury: Talkin' to me about 'authority'. You know I have the authority to downgrade your ass to a Winnebago. (he keeps on repeating "Talkin' to me about 'authority'!" several times afterwards)
    Fury: It had a bar! A really nice one...
    Fury: How's Lola?
    Coulson: She's fine, sir. Thanks for asking.
    • During his rant, Fury tells Coulson he wants the jet exactly as it was before; he doesn't want silly modifications like "a, a, a damn fish tank!" After he leaves, Coulson says into his earpiece "we're gonna have to kill the fish tank."
  • Trying to reassure Skye that the 0-8-4 is secure, Simmons rambles and quickly ends up in not-very-reassuring territory:
    "...not that it couldn't explode at any minute, especially if hit by machine gun fire, but things like this happen from time to time when in the field, and at first it's very unpleasant..."
  • The fact that Skye saved the day with a safety pamphlet, and in doing so, become the first person to actually read said pamphlet.
  • Fitz sounds just a bit too excited when he says that the only bunk left for Skye to use is the one right next to his.
  • Coulson lists all of the team members' qualifications, but leaves out Skye. As he walks off, Skye calls out "I'm good at stuff too."

     The Asset 

  • The episode starts with a redneck trucker singing along horribly with the radio. Turns out he's actually a highly trained SHIELD agent, which somehow just makes it funnier.
  • Ward telling Skye that SHIELD doesn't actually have a Truth Serum. It's left mildly ambiguous whether or not that's true, but if it is, it makes the interrogation from the pilot episode all the more hilarious. Plus Ward says he only told her Level 1 secrets, ie: low protected secrets she could easily hack for herself, and would be officially cleared to know about as soon as she joined SHIELD anyway, so she really learned nothing important.
  • Skye's reaction to learning that the SHIELD transport was attacked by an invisible enemy:
    Skye: Invisible?! Cool! [beat, as the rest of the team stares at her] But horrible.
  • Coulson and Ward discover that the guy who supplied the excavator was bars of gold. On top of him riding a horse and being dressed as a cowboy...
    Ward: Now it really feels like the old west.
  • There's something funny that Malta seems to be the only place in the world, where SHIELD has no juristriction.
  • Coulson's trading cards are mentioned. It was only a moment, but it earned a few giggles.
  • Skye's hilariously bad attempt at a Meaningful Echo of something Ward said to her earlier when Quinn has her at gunpoint.
  • Fitz is adamant that the only way the team can get into Quinn's compound is with a highly trained monkey. It could turn off the alarm with its adorable little paws. Simmons's tone also suggests this isn't the first problem he's suggested solving with a monkey.
    • Also eating popcorn while listening to Skye on a tense mission
  • Once Skye has gotten into Quinn's office—to May and Fitz/Simmons' amazement—they wonder aloud how she did it.
    Fitz: She probably just used her...ummm...her, uh...her, uh... [gestures by cupping his hands at his chest, then makes a priceless "oh screw it" face] boobs.
  • After Skye manages to grab Quinn's gun and turn it on him and his mooks:
    Mook: Girl's got balls.
    Skye: Thanks... and, yuck.
    • And a moment later...
      Quinn: Do you have what it takes to pull the trigger?
      Skye: Nope! [jumps out the window]
      Quinn: [rolls eyes] Get her.
  • When Melinda is trying to talk Coulson out of going with Ward:
    Coulson: You forget, I saw plenty of action with the Avengers. [he walks off]
    Melinda: ...And you died.
  • When Coulson finally gets to Dr. Hall, it leads to many hilariously deadpan comments from him. Namely, after Hall says he's right where he's supposed to be...
    Coulson: I'll be honest. Our strategy did not take into consideration you saying that.
    • When Agent May realizes the truth:
      May: Sir, the leak came from—
      Coulson: Dr. Hall. Yeah, I'm getting that.
    • And then Hall accuses SHIELD of experimenting without thinking of the consequences.
      Hall: Your search for an unlimited power source brought an alien invasion.
      Coulson: ...Fair point.
  • Ward's Mundane Utility solution to a handgun that Coulson was having a hard time dismantling, by tossing it into a nearby laser fence that disintegrates anything that touches it.

     Eye Spy 
  • Skye apparently says "bang" when firing a gun and has the safety and clip release switches mixed up.
    • Becomes a brick joke. She gets a gun, and tries to turn the safety off. Insert ammo falling out.
    Skye: Bang?
  • Ward calling the van where he and Coulson take Skye and Fitzsimmons to the field the "Short Bus"note , much to Coulson's displeasure.
  • When Skye, egged on by Fitzsimmons, asks Ward about where they can pee when told that they can't leave the van, Ward tells them to share a (small) empty plastic bottle between the three of them. An annoyed Skye responds with, "Did you never learn the part where girl parts and boy parts are different, and our parts aren't penises?"
    Ward: Anything else?
    Skye: Oh, yeah! Fitz wants to know if you left any snacks for us.
    Fitz: Yeah, I'm feeling a bit peckish!
  • When the team finds out about the device in Akela's eye, Skye says this to Ward: "You're a robot, can you do that?"
    • It's made even funnier by the fact that Ward, much like a robot, gives absolutely no reaction to the joke.
  • Ward's response to being ordered to seduce a man (he's playing proxy to Akela) after stating he would do whatever it took.
    Ward: [to Skye] Help.
  • Skye's opinion of what she and Fitzsimmons are seeing on a surveillance feed:
    Skye: Russian TV's kinda boring.
    • "That kinda looks like our van..." And then Fitz stands up and waves...
  • At the tag end of the episode Fitz is having Skye use the X-Ray glasses to help him cheat at cards.
    Skye: You realize if I put these on I'll see you naked.
    [Fitz hurriedly aborts the scheme]
    Skye: ...[puts on the glasses, looks at Ward, and turns them on] Hm. [smiles happily]

     Girl in the Flower Dress 
  • One of the few things S.H.I.E.L.D. was able to dig up on Miles Lydon was that he runs a Minecraft mod to play as a Zombie Pigman. Judging from FitzSimmons' facial expressions, that's terrible.
    • Just hearing Simmons say "Zombie Pigman" in a completely serious, even more RP than usual tone of voice is inherently pretty funny.
  • Coulson's reaction to hearing Chan's use of the alias "Scorch."
    Coulson: Ah crap, they gave him a name.
  • May tries to talk down Scorch in Cantonese. Scorch responds with an angry megalomaniacal rant in the same language. Coulson clearly didn't understand a word of it.
    Coulson: [to May] So we're good, right?
  • May is more than a little disturbed to find that she wasn't briefed about Chan's megalomania.
    May: His file say anything about him being homicidal?
    Coulson: Just said he was kind of a tool!
  • Coulson lets Miles go free, but first he hands him a small box with an electronic bracelet to track his movements and restrict usage of electronic devices for a while. Coulson warns "you can take what's in the box, or we'll put you in a slightly larger one."
    Coulson: You're free to go.
    Miles: We're still in Hong Kong.
    Coulson: Yep.
    Miles: ...I live in Austin, Texas.
    Coulson: By the way, Agent Qwan's family appreciates the generous donation.
  • When Skye asks why she and Ward are playing Battleship rather than doing their normal training, he tells her that it's his duty as her SO to evaluate the way she thinks...
    Ward: Also, I like board games.
    • Skye gloating over beating him at the game and making him say "You sunk my battleship." Also the tone in which Ward said it. If you look at their boards, you can see why: Skye is just aiming at random and is winning.

  • Fitz can't stand the smell of dead bodies, especially after Simmons dissected a cat and left its liver next to his lunch.
    • Later, when Simmons is doing another autopsy, and Fitz is rifling through the storage cabinets behind her.
    Skye: What are you looking for?
    Fitz: A scented candle!
    Skye: Not. You.
  • Simmons is in the middle of giving Coulson a physical, and accidentally says the wrong thing. It's even funnier due to Coulson's tone, which honestly sounds more confused than offended.
    Simmons: You can tell your physical therapist that you're fit as the proverbial fiddle! Especially for a man your age.
    Coulson: "Man of my age?" That's something you tell an old person.
    Simmons: [a little too perkily] Is it? Let's... get you some electrolytes, shall we?
  • Ward begins to go into a big spiel on why one ounce could be the difference between life and death when using a handgun at long range, when Fitz reminds him they could just use a rifle instead in that situation.
    • Fitz's impression of him.
  • Melinda's interrogation of a scout leader: glaring at him menacingly and offering him a cookie.
  • Fitz and Simmons doing their best impressions of Ward. Turns out Ward heard them, and does his own at the end of the episode. Simmons tells him it's not quite right.
  • Skye saying that a victim of the Chitauri virus, who did a lot of volunteering, makes Captain America look like the Dude... in front of Coulson.
  • Fitz's awkward attempts at flirting with Skye, talking about how some people just have a connection. Not unreasonably, Skye assumes he's referring to Simmons. His look of despair when he clumsily tries to correct her is hilarious.
  • Coulson's Anger Born of Worry after Simmons jumps out of the plane to save the crew and Ward has to skydive after her to inject the cure. She made him fish her out of the water. And talk to the Moroccan office!
    • Made even funnier when you take a good look at Ward and Simmons' expressions as they're being reamed out. Two highly capable and intelligent adult agents are being reprimanded like small children.
  • When Coulson tells May that his tests indicated he was "a little heavy on the iron."
    Coulson: But don't worry. You don't have to start calling me Iron Man.
    May: Wasn't planning on it.
  • After a testy conversation with Coulson, Agent Blake makes sure to touch Lola, and looks back at Coulson when he does.

     The Hub 
  • Coulson's idea of Casual Danger Dialog after being dragged into a dank basement for interrogation is... surprisingly practical.
    Coulson: I don't mean to alarm you, but I think you may have a mold problem. That sink with the standing water seems especially concerning.
  • Skye tries to walk into a Level Seven meeting while having yet to earn Level One clearance, and promptly gets attached to the wall by her bracelet.
    Skye: Is this your subtle way of telling me I'm not allowed in the meeting?
  • Agent Shaw hid a USB drive with top secret information up his nose.
  • Simmons' reaction to learning that Fitz is going on a field mission. She acts like a worried mother getting her child ready for his first day at school.
  • Simmons is so horrible at talking her way out of a situation that she ends up firing the Night-Night Gun at Agent Sitwell.
    • One highlight:
      Simmons: My, Agent Sitwell, you certainly have a lovely...head.
    • And her attempts to flirt her way out:
      Simmons: I like men that are my height, but heavier than me!
    • Then later, when she tells Fitz about it:
      Fitz: So what do you get up to in the Hub?
      Simmons: I shot a superior officer in the chest.
      Fitz: ...
    • Made a bit less funny (or perhaps more) after Sitwell is revealed to be a traitor in Captain America: The Winter Soldier.
  • Fitz getting his trolly stuck between the glass doors at the Hub and becoming increasingly frustrated by it. And after finally getting the cart through, the doors just close on him and the glass blocks any sound so you can't hear his frustration, including the cut-off cry of "fantastic!"
  • Coulson has a serious discussion with May about whether he should share information above Skye and Simmons' classification level. Except May is practicing Tai-Chi during the conversation, and also never says a word. Though she does roll her eyes at the end.
  • Fitz gets in a delightful Deadpan Snarker moment while he and Ward are hiding out:
    Fitz: ...and now you've destroyed the world's most dangerous sandwich.
  • Fitz puts up an x-ray screen to see through the wall so they can figure out what to do next.
    Fitz: Okay, I see two guards...armed with rifles...oh, there's a third guard. Wait...he's attacking them! Ward, are you seeing this, he's attacking them! He's, he's coming right for us—
    Ward: [opens door from the inside] Come on.
    Fitz: ...ah, that makes sense.

     The Well 
  • Skye refers to Thor as "dreamy". Coulson tries to tone it down to "handsome"... then May pops in to back Skye's choice of words.
  • Skye's opinion on the darker parts of human history:
    Skye: He has been through all the scary stuff: the Crusades, the Black Death... Disco.
    • Just Skye, Fitz and Simmons watching the interrogation as if it was a documentary on the History Channel.
  • When Skye is checking the message boards of a Norse-Pagan hate group, most of the posts are people shouting about being the master race, having to claim their right over the world, etc... except one simply says "I rode a horse today :)".
  • Coulson says that, once in a while, Thor and his Asgardian buddies need to send down the God of "Cleaning up after themselves".
    Coulson: They've probably got a magic broom for this sort of thing.
  • Coulson's comment on how awkward it would have been if Randolph hadn't been Asgardian and thus, been unable to prevent Ward from stabbing him.
  • The reason the myth of the Berserker became well known? Randolph wanted to impress a French girl he was sleeping with, and her brother, a priest, wrote it all down and turned it into, in his words "a thing".
  • Randolph to Coulson: "Oh, I spent centuries gallivanting around with the future King of Asgard; of course I don't know Thor! I was a mason!"
  • Skye can't tell the difference between normal Ward and Angry!Ward.
    Skye: Is that the normal Ward or the angrier Ward?
  • When Skye wonders how long Randolph has been on Earth, Simmons suggests cutting him open to find out. Skye then suggests an easier alternative: Asking him.
  • Fitz still wants a monkey assistant.

  • Fitz and Simmons realize they never got the chance to prank any freshmen at S.H.I.E.L.D. academy, and then realize that technically, Skye is a freshman. The first chunk of the episode has them thinking of ways to prank her.
    • The first attempt is a hogwash version of May's backstory - involving her wielding Guns Akimbo and taking down 100 hostiles on horseback.
    • The second has Fitz appearing behind Simmons in a gas mask as a test, but she's more disappointed. Later he rigs up the gas mask attached to a mop and some twine to jump out of a closet at people. Apparently he managed to set it up before Tobias started wreaking havoc, because he forgets about it until the group opens said closet nearly an hour later (in-universe) and they all scream. Especially Fitz.
    • Furthermore, Fitz ribs Simmons for screaming like a girl when she was pranked as a freshman, only to scream like a girl himself at his own prank.
    • And to top it off, Skye is only mildly startled compared to Simmons and Fitz's reaction to it so they scared themselves harder than their target.
  • Coulson gets torn up about having to use one of his antique watches as a makeshift bomb.
    Coulson: I think they only made twenty.
    • Followed by a pathetic groan when it goes off.
  • During The Tag: Skye, Ward, Simmons, and Coulson are playing Scrabble. Simmons uses the word "Aglet" and when Ward says it's not a word in "our" language, counters by pointing out that "their" language is English. Then in walks Fitz with a face full of whipped cream thanks to another prank. Turns out he was pranked by May.
  • Skye's shoutouts
    • comparing May to a robot. She says "Target aquired: Threat elminated" in a terminator like voice.
    • She refers to the SHIELD academy as a 'SHIELD Hogwarts'.
  • Skye's reaction to Coulson's decision to bring May and Ward along to contact Hannah Hutchens, after he referred to the task as a "delicate situation":
    Skye: It's a delicate situation and you're bringing along warm and fuzzy?
  • Skye says May needs to get laid... to the guy who laid her the previous night.

     The Bridge 
  • Ward saying why he doesn't want Mike on the team. "The last time we saw this guy, he was a raging homicidal maniac... He's Right Behind Me, isn't he?"
    • Later he still doesn't think it's a good idea...but admits that Mike's new suit is cool.
  • Simmons manually takes Mike Peterson's measurements even though they have a device that can do it. Fitz calls her out.
    • Simmons uses Fitz's babbling as cover to talk about how hot she thinks Peterson is.
      Simmons: When did you stop talking?
      Fitz: About three embarrassing sentences ago.
    • Even funnier, Fitz goes over to break it up - only to get almost immediately distracted by the Centipede tech on Mike's arm.
    • Then there's their genuine surprise when Mike tells them it was their gun which cured him. They immediately go from thinking it's a bad idea to have him to giving him the awesome upgrade.
    • Ward's expressions in the background as Simmons flirts with Mike. Funnier when combined with Fitz' obvious displeasure.
  • Peterson's reaction to seeing Skye on the SHIELD team:
    Peterson: You joined SHIELD?

     The Magical Place 
  • Simmons telling off Ward after he ripped open what one could only assume was her stitching of the wound in his shoulder, during the capture of Van Chat.
    Simmons: Impressive. You've actually managed to re-open all of your stitches.
  • Skye is about to be escorted off the Bus when FitzSimmons rush up to her and hand her a brown paper bag.
    Skye: You made me a sandwich?
    Simmons: Yes. It is that.
  • Skye dresses up in a leather jacket, tall boots, and aviators, confronts a man who can lead her to Centipede, and identifies as S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent...Melinda May.
  • Skye's manipulation of the rich asshole into hacking a computer for her. Especially when she runs into a wall because he doesn't even know how to click on account history. She switches him with one of his rent-a-cops she had beat up earlier.
    Lloyd: [to other guard] The thing is, I have an assistant who usually does all this.
  • May notices Skye's Whole Costume Reference at the end of the episode.
    May: Nice jacket.
    [May and Skye smirk at each other]
  • When Raina is being arrested:
    Simmons: Bet there aren't any flower dresses where she's going.
    Fitz: Amen to that, sister.
  • The verbal pass phrase to disengage Skye's Walking Techbane bracelet is "disengage bracelet."
    Skye: Seriously?
    Coulson: I thought you'd like that.
    • Listen closely - he says the pass phrase in a Scottish accent to mimic Fitz.
  • The scene where Skye leaves the plane and passes by one of Hand's cronies:
    Skye: Don't touch Lola.
    Crony: [abruptly turns away]
  • When Fitz-Simmons are explaining to Ward that he needs to equip a dendrotoxin-filled cuff on the Centipede soldiers' forearms to incapacitate them:
    Ward: Sounds like riding a bull for eight seconds.
    Fitz: Yeah, exactly, it's that simple.
    Simmons: Yeah.
  • How Ward interrogates Vanchat.
  • When Skye is pretending to be May, she establishes her credentials with the rich guy she's interrogating by taking his phone, fake-calling in a SHIELD command code, and erasing all the data on the phone (she really just used the Anti-Tech bracelet she was wearing). The guy's response? He complains that she ruined his score on Angry Birds.
  • Skye needs to make a phone call, but her anti-tech bracelet will fry it if she gets too close. How does she fix this issue? Use a golf club to dial the phone instead.

  • May tells Coulson about her affair with Ward right before Coulson goes after an ex-agent they're looking for.
    Coulson: I'm glad we're here. I need to root out all the secrets.
    May: ... Agent Ward and I are having sex.
    Coulson: [referring to spotting the agent] Got it. [leaves car]
  • The ex-agent tries to escape May and Coulson by climbing a fire escape. He climbs several ladders before seeing Coulson hovering right beside him in Lola.
  • Coulson tells Ward where Donnie and his Weather Control Machine are.
    Ward: I can get there. [opens door and sees superstorm outside] Yeah, I can't get there.
  • Agent Ward's opinion about SHIELD Academy of Science and Technology: "No uniforms, no rope course, no defined muscularity on anyone."

  • A train employee has trouble talking to May in Italian, with her appearing to ignore him. Ward covers for her, leading to this:
    Employee: This one's a lot of work, no?
    Ward: Keeps it interesting.
  • May finding Ward and Coulson frozen by the enemy's Night-Night grenade.
  • Ward and Coulson trying to use the holographic imaging table...and failing utterly. Ward did slightly better than Coulson—he successfully found the "on" switch.
  • Coulson tells Ward that if his affair with May gets anyone hurt, he will be sent to Alaska to guard a frozen Emil Blonsky. It ends with this little gem:
    Coulson: If it's really just sex, Ward, you might want to get more comfortable using the word.
  • Simmons is undercover as Coulson's estranged daughter, and gets a little too into character, leading to her ranting loudly about how Coulson's work and prostitutes were more important. This leads to Coulson getting chastised by Stan Lee.
    Coulson: [indignantly] Prostitutes? Plural?
    • Also, Simmons is a little bit too prepared for her role. She drops in details that are overly specific, like the exact days of the week that Coulson was preoccupied with his work. (Something that wouldn't need to be said between an actual father and daughter.)
  • Skye's Scottish accent. And Fitz's American one, but for different reasons. His accent is fine, but the things he says are very stereotypically American.
    Skye: We were hoping you could recommend a restaurant in downtown Zagreb.
    Fitz: Some place affordable with large portions.
    • Also, how Fitz learned how to do an American accent.
      Fitz: I used to watch a lot of American TV growing up. Some of it was very good. Lots of nice teeth.
    • The best part is Skye visibly wincing after her accent attempt, as if even she knows it was horrible.
  • Coulson hopes they're not dealing with alternate dimensions, because he so doesn't want to go to Asgard right now.
  • Stan Lee's cameo.

  • A bit of Black Comedy courtesy of Garrett:
    Fitz: Comms are down. There's too much mountain on top of us.
    Garrett: Trust me it's better. You don't want them hearing the horrible death we're walking into.
    [Fitz gives a shocked look.]
    Garrett: Humor, son. You Brits are too serious. Besides, if the job was easy...
    Ward: wouldn't be any fun.
    Fitz: I'm not afraid. Not yet. I suspect the real danger won't happen until we breach that bulletproof glass.
    Coulson: What do you think, Fitz? Can you get us inside?
    Fitz: To certain horrible death? Absolutely.

     Yes Men 
  • Simmons catching Skye attempting to sneak out of bed (for the umpteenth time) and the latter grumbling about "prison warden extending her house arrest".
  • The context puts a damper on it, but it's fun to see Sif's reaction to Coulson's asking about blue aliens, as she has no idea why he's so interested in them.
  • Simmons attacking Coulson with a fire extinguisher, thinking he's under Lorelei's control.
  • The way Fitz acts while under Lorelei's control. He's like a kid with a crush, just ecstatic that the girl he likes is talking with him. Likewise, Coulson's rather obvious attempt to play along and pretend he's also brainwashed...which Fitz completely buys.
    • The way he frets when he spots Simmons has gotten loose and chases after her.
    Fitz: Oh dear.
  • Coulson and Simmons's entire plan for taking down Fitz while he's brainwashed is laughably simplistic, and it works. The way Fitz turns around and politely responds with "Sir?" after Coulson calls his name, only to be clocked in the face and knocked unconscious the next second, is particularly amusing.
    • Simmons' reaction to Fitz getting clocked by Coulson.
    "Poor thing! He's always getting knocked out, isn't he?"
  • Simmons's cheerful comment "I'm not saying you're weak, I'm saying all men are weak" to Fitz - presumably meant to make him feel better - seems to set him on the defensive even more.
    • In a similar vein, May's reaction to Sif's comment that only men are vulnerable to Lorelei is a smirk which, given her character, is as good as a laughing fit.
  • She may be a villain, but Lorelei grousing about Earth money was pretty hilarious:
    Lorelei: I ask for gold and you give me paper!
    • She also wonders who the "ugly woman"note  on the hundred dollar bill is.
    • Followed by Rooster's misinformed explanation that said "ugly woman" used to be president.
  • Simmons and Skye realize they've been locked in the hospital room. You, as a viewer think maybe the doors have been locked by Fitz or maybe Lorelei. However, when Coulson arrives at the hospital later, he sees that the door is merely jammed by a simple tire iron. Which, he casually removes and tosses aside. The look on Coulson's face is priceless.note 
  • Lorelei is busily taunting Sif about how Lorelei once brainwashed a man Sif loved, asking if Sif would like her to describe "his touch, his kiss..." Sif, who is holding Lorelei with the point of her sword at Lorelei's throat, reaches down, slaps the controlling collar around her neck, gives the world's most spectacular eyeroll and deapdans, "You were saying?"

     End of the Beginning 

  • Garrett commenting on Skye's wounds.
    Garett: Hell, you took two to the gut! When has Sitwell ever done anything?
    [Sitwell looks genuinely offended]
  • Fitz and Simmon's adorkable attempts to out-subterfuge Coulson and the rest of the Bus crew...and completely and utterly fail.
  • When explaining how he's invented tracker bullets for the ICE guns, Fitz mentions tagging a "wild monkey, if he gets away from you" as an example of how it could be used.
  • When Simmons calls on a secure hardline.
    Simmons: Fitz?
    Fitz: Don't use my name Jemma!
  • Blake believes in horoscopes, and uses astrology to flirt with May.
  • Garrett and Coulson get paired off, and pass the time by telling stories about their past exploits. Then Garrett realizes Coulson isn't paying attention.
    Garrett: Oh, did I tell you that one already? I must be getting old.
    Coulson: I was there.
    Garrett: You were? For which part?
    Coulson: The whole thing! And you didn't drop through the skylight.
    Garrett: Yeah, but it makes for a better story.
  • In an otherwise very tense scene, Fitz running into Skye right after May catches him snooping around the cockpit is pretty funny, mainly because Skye seems to be expecting Fitz to have committed some harmlessly Adorkable screw-up.
    Fitz: [Turns around and sees Skye, is visibly startled] What? I didn't do anything!
    Skye: I never said you did anything. [Pauses briefly, then rolls her eyes in exasperation] Okay, what did you do?
    • Even funnier, he puts his hands up in a lame approximation of a 'kung fu' stance, harking back to his comment about not having learnt kung fu in 0-8-4.

     Turn, Turn, Turn 
  • Coulson's "Boo-yah!" when he shoots down the drones attacking Agent Garrett.
  • This exchange near the beginning of the episode:
    Fitz: I thought HYDRA was defeated after World War II?
    Coulson: It was. S.H.I.E.L.D. was founded in the wake of that victory.
    Fitz: And now they're back.
    Garrett: HYDRA always comes back.
    Coulson: Cut off the head, two more will take its place.
    Garrett: Is it a head? I thought it was a limb.
    Fitz: No, no, pretty sure it was a head.
    Coulson: It's a head.
  • When things start getting really weird, Coulson just shoots May. With an I.C.E.r, but still. Skye and Fitz's reactions to it make it even better.
  • After shooting May, Coulson carries the unconscious woman into the cell, where a very confused Ward is still in holding.
    Ward: What's going on?
    Coulson: She's a sleeper. ...the other kind.
  • For all of his years as a covert operative, Ward makes a mistake: Miscalculating a time bomb.
  • Simmons asks why she should trust Triplett; Triplett responds by asking why he should trust her:
    Triplett: You're the one working for the zombie robot returned from the dead.
  • For all its seriousness, Coulson's Kirk Summation to the villainous Garrett is delivered with perfect deadpan timing.
  • Skye checking out the corridor Ward is about to try to clear:
    Skye: There's, like, a hundred guys out there!
    Ward: Twelve.
    • The ensuing Noodle Incident in which the last five guards overwhelm Ward and are kicking him into the floor. We cut to Skye's reaction as she listens through the door to an obviously brutal beating. After a few seconds' silence, the door opens to reveal... Ward, with only a few cuts and scratches, having apparently turned the whole thing around without firing off a single shot.

  • Coulson's half-hearted "yaaaaay" in response to Skye telling him that pretty much the only thing she was able to get working after the assault at the Hub was the Bus' internet.
  • Patton Oswalt as Agent Eric Koenig, straddling the line between serious SHIELD agent and awkward Coulson fanboy. Now Phil must know how Steve Rogers felt.
  • When one of Garrett's subordinates enthusiastically attempts the "Hail Hydra!" salute:
    Garrett: Put your arms down, Kominsky, you look like a West Texas cheerleader at a pep rally.
  • As if to make up for him being The Woobie last episode, Fitz gets a bigger dose than usual of his usual Plucky Comic Relief Chew Toy status:
    [Simmons keeps telling Fitz he needs to replace the grounding wires on the ramp; he keeps blowing her off.]
    Simmons: However, you will need to replace those grounding wires.
    Fitz: It's fine. OK, turn it on.
    [Triplett turns it on; sparks fly everywhere]
    Fitz: TURN IT OFF!
    Triplett: You need to replace the grounding wires.
    Fitz: You need to shush. Shush, both of you. Honestly, ganging up on me. [storms off while muttering] Think you're so smart, well, why don't you try fixing it.
    • And:
    Fitz: We have to trust that Coulson knows what he's doing.
    Triplett: Hey, I respect Coulson...
    Fitz: Agent Coulson, to you.
    Triplett: Agent Coulson. He saved our asses back at the Hub. But I'm telling you, he's chasing the white whale.
    Fitz: OK, have you even read Moby-Dick?
    Triplett: Yeah. Have you?
    Fitz: That's... not the point. Now if you can stop spouting your nonsense and let me get back to checking my inventory...
    • After Coulson throws his badge in frustration at there not being anything at the coordinates from his badge and it gets shot at by a surprise machine gun turret, sending everyone running for cover:
    • Then Simmons gets in on the snark right after:
    May: Nobody move!
    Simmons: I really don't think that's going to be a problem!
  • Quinn complaining about everything he's suffered since being arrested.
    "I've been in a cell smaller than my shoe closet! I wasn't allowed to eat with a fork, which would have been worse if I'd been allowed to eat anything but meatloaf!
  • Raid "the Fridge"
  • There's just something inexplicably funny about finding out that Coulson plays Call of Duty.

     The Only Light tn the Darkness 
  • Apparently, Skye's legally-recognized name was Mary Sue Poots.
  • Simmons is asked, if alone on an island with a box, what is in the box. Her answer? The TARDIS. The idea of putting Simmons through a lie-detection test, particularly one said to be unbeatable by Agent Romanoff, when Simmons couldn't tell a lie to save her life, is funny in itself.
    • The fact that Fitz's immediate answer to the question is "Simmons." He's got it bad for that woman...
  • Coulson reveals that Blackout got his powers by experimenting with Darkforce. "Because nothing bad ever happens when you work with something called 'Darkforce'." Complete with a truly epic eye roll.
  • We meet May's mom, and she's just as capable a snarker as her daughter.
    Mrs. May: I may be retired, but I still have my contacts. And my agency hasn't fallen apart.
    • When Melinda first gets in her car, this exchange:
      (Mrs. May turns off the engine)
      Melinda: What are you doing? We have to go.
      Mrs. May: Five hundred miles.
      Melinda: What?
      Mrs. May: 500 miles and I don't even get a thank you!
      Melinda: I was just about to-
      Mrs. May: It's too late.
      Melinda:—thank you.
      Mrs. May: I said too late.
  • Discussing Fitz's plan to deal with Blackout, involving shifting stage lights into gamma rays:
    Fitz: There's a slight chance he could absorb the energy and gain more power, but it's unlikely.
    Coulson: Who did you say created this technology, again?
    Fitz: Bruce Banner.
    Coulson: Then I'm sure it'll go off without a hitch.

     Nothing Personal 
  • Maria Hill on the phone with new employer Pepper Potts of Stark Industries, complaining about having to testify to Congress about the fallout from Captain America: The Winter Soldier:
    Maria Hill: Congress is like kindergarten: "Where is this 'Fridge'? What was in there? Who or what is a 'Man-Thing'?" I swear, I need a cocktail and a lobotomy!
  • Maria on the phone describing the various people following her:
    "But apparently my every move continues to fascinate them. Tonight's standard issue surveillance package includes: fake yuppie not checking her texts at the bus stop, plastered homeless man... mildly offensive, and the hipster following me, think he's Russian or... [sees they've all either disappeared or been rendered unconscious]
  • They were taken out by May who talks with Maria in an alley about Coulson. By the time the FBI and police arrive, May is already gone:
    Police: [pointing gun] Drop your weapon!
    Maria Hill: [checking her watch] Three minutes and twenty seconds. Really? If you were my agents, you wouldn't be for long.
  • Simmons lamenting, "I wish our bunker had a bunker."
  • After Colonel Talbot orders Coulson and the others to come out:
    Coulson: If I come out, will you shoot me? 'Cause... then I won't come out.
  • An old man is wandering through a cemetery with a bouquet of flowers when he sees one of the graves has been dug up. After a moment, May pops up, climbs out, tells the man "My condolences," and walks away.
  • Ward genuinely taking offense when Skye calls him a Nazi due to working for HYDRA.
    Skye: You know you always had that Hitler Youth look to you, so it's really not that surprising!
  • Coulson boards the Bus alone, rescues Skye, and is confident he can retake it...only to find out that they've got a problem...
    Skye Wait. You came alone?
    Coulson It's okay. I can take Ward.
    Skye I know, but how did you get past Deathlok?
    Coulson Deathlok's here? On the plane?
    Skye Yeah, you didn't take him out?
    [Coulson turns, sees Deathlok coming towards them]
    Coulson New plan: run!
  • Phil drives Lola off the Bus, switches her into flight mode while in midair, lands her in the middle of Los Angeles... and is told that parking in his chosen landing spot is $20.
    • Coulson then reaches for his wallet, which just makes it funnier.
    • Coulson and Skye looking dazed after landing and Skye's frazzled hair. Especially funny since a lot of complaints from people about Skye having such great hair for someone who lives out of her van and then on an airplane.
    • Coulson's hair is pretty fluffed up, too.
    • Before that, he tells Skye to buckle up before they leave the plane. She didn't have time to, so she nearly flies out of the car. As Coulson pulls her back in, he yells "I told you to buckle up!"
  • In a darkly humorous way, Coulson discovering that the TAHITI project was run by none other than himself is met with a simple "huh."
  • With an ironic kind of humor, Deathlok's justification for Stopping Ward's heart was word-for-word what Ward gave Skye for his betrayal.
    • And when Ward complains that he can't fly the plane, or stand for that matter, because of the heart-stopping device, Deathlok just flicks his wrist to give him a jolt of energy, pats him on the cheek, and declares "That should help!".

  • Coulson's brief, unintentional lapse into a Scottish accent while repeating Fitz's description of the I.C.E.r, and his hurried attempt to cover it up.
  • Simmons once again accidentally starts to insult someone, then (badly) attempts to cover it up.
    Simmons: May looks barely a day over [realizing May can hear her] ... thirty. You're gorgeous!
    • It gets even better with the possibility that it's a reference to fans being stunned to learn Ming-Na Wen was actually fify years old at the time.
  • Fitz-Simmons begin to disagree over whose contribution to the Night-Night Gun technology was more significant, leaving Coulson and May struggling to keep up, since they're meant to be feeding them lines to repeat verbatim. Then, their argument is quickly replaced by stunned silence and expressions of total outrage when the CyberTech recruiters criticize both aspects of the design.
    • And they refer to the original I.C.E.r design as the "sleepy-sleep gun".
  • Fitz's defense of the I.C.E.r in comparison with the Night-Night Gun ends with "... and it has a much cooler name!" Coulson repeats it without really taking it in, then looks annoyed at the outburst.
  • Fitz plays with a fake cigarette that emits a laser beam. He sets the curtains of the hotel room on fire.
  • Simmons' response to the above is just to roll her eyes and say "Oh, Fitz", like him accidentally setting stuff on fire is a regular occurrence.
  • The large file transfer.
  • Coulson fanboying over Triplett's inherited collection of 1st generation S.H.I.E.L.D. tech. Even better, this is literally after he's saying that they need to carefully catalogue everything.
  • After knocking out the guy in the elevator, May and Coulson pause to discuss the fact that their sweaters itch.
    • And the fact that May is the one who brings it up.
      • Coulson and May have basically just borrowed clothes from Fitz' and Simmons' closets.
  • May's utter commitment to playing a Simmons-esque tech geek. Seeing that smile on her is actually kind of creepy after a while.
  • Triplett and Fitz attempt a Handshake Substitute before heading out on a mission, but Triplett goes for a fist-bump, while Fitz goes for a high-five. They manage to meet somewhere in the middle, with a somewhat awkward result.

     Beginning of the End 
  • Fury hands Coulson the Destroyer gun, and he promptly says "I know what it does."
  • Garrett's unceremonious end at the hands of Coulson. After getting the evil Cyborg treatment, he goes into a nice villain monologue with evil music rising... aaand gets Killed Mid-Sentence by Coulson. Who treats the whole thing like he's looking for a lost set of keys (or perhaps a lost death ray, since that was what he was looking for at the time).
    • Even funnier when you realize he probably had the thing trained on Garrett the whole time and waited until after the (apparently) Painful Transformation.
  • When Simmons is expressing the idea that the energy that makes her and Fitz them has existed in other forms before, Fitz naturally thinks of a monkey.
  • Coulson and Fury essentially fighting Garrett with nothing but snark, and winning.
    Fury: You didn't tell me he'd gone this crazy.
    Coulson: He's really stepped it up a notch.
    Garrett: You remember that speech you used to give us Nick? About how one man can accomplish anything once he realizes he can be something bigger? Well, now I am!
    Fury: [beat] A part. A part of something bigger.
    Garrett: [beat] Is that how it went?
    Coulson: Not a good listener.
    Fury: If you tell me this whole HYDRA path thing you took was because you misheard my damn "one man" speech...
    Garrett: [in the background] I am the key to the future of the universe. I am --
    Fury: [ignores him, turns to Coulson] You got it, right?
    Coulson: Totally. Loud and clear.
    • It's made even funnier when the music cuts out when the camera switches to Coulson and Fury.
  • After a long, knock-down, drag-out fight between Ward and May, it's ended by May nailgunning Ward's foot to the floor. Through his shoe. Several times. (Ming-Na Wen on Twitter: "NAIL HYDRA!!")
  • Fitz having to interrupt him and Simmons happily jumping and dancing around after they figure a way out of their predicament because "Yes, yes, yes! ...this... really hurts my arm..." is funny in a Black Comedy sort of way.
  • The "noisemakers" from Triplett's collection of first-gen spy gear. They're literally shaped like noisemakers, and when they're activated they provide noise to distract the enemy. Specifically...
    Noisemaker: [gunshots] Hey ho! The enemy approaches, comrades!
  • Just before Coulson's fight with Garrett, Fury appears and stands over him, hands in pockets like he just casually strolled in.
    Coulson: Sir?
    Fury: You don't have to call me 'sir', Coulson. Look at me, I'm dressed like I live under a bridge.
  • Skye revealing the bomb she's been threatening the whole control room with is actually a Hulk action figure for Ace.
  • Quinn trying to cover for Garrett's presence in front of the generals by claiming he's a "strategy consultant."
    Garrett: You hear the dying breath of an old world, general. But a new world is coming. I've tasted it on my tongue.
    General: ...this is your strategy consultant?
    Quinn: Part time.
  • Coulson appearing out of nowhere in front of Garrett:
    Coulson: Hi, John! [punches him to no effect]
    Garrett: Hi, Phil! [punches him across the room]
    Coulson: [crawling away] Well, that's new.
  • When Skye confronts Ward:
    Skye: I'm not afraid of you, Ward.
    Ward: You're not gonna kill us with the bomb. You'd go, too
    Skye: No. I have a weapon much better than a bomb, that will absolutely destroy you.
    Ward: And why's that?
    Skye: Because you slept with her. And she's really pissed off.
    [cue a Dynamic Entry via flying kick from May]
  • Pretty much every word out of Nick Fury's mouth is a combination of this and awesome.
  • Despite all the emotion surging through the scene, there's something endearingly, absurdly hilarious about hearing the great, eloquent, badass, always-collected Phil Coulson reduced to Buffy Speak when scolding Fury about using T.A.H.I.T.I. to revive him.
    Coulson: ...stupid, stupid, stupid! And cruel! And very stupid!!
  • At the end of the episode, the team arrives at another super-secret base, and they are greeted by... Eric Koenig? He's not dead? No, wait, it's actually his brother that he mentioned playing Call of Duty with before, who proceeds to deliver almost word-for-word the exact same Fanboy speech to Coulson that Eric did several episodes earlier.

Season Two

  • This exchange between Jim and Dum Dum while raiding the HYDRA camp.
    Jim: Nice and calm, no sudden moves, or we'll tie a blasting cap to your... hey Dugan, what's the German word for nuts?
    Dum Dum Dugan: I dunno, Jim. [cocks shotgun] But tie a blasting cap to 'em, I bet we'll hear it.
  • Lance warns Idaho not to look Coulson directly in the eye.
    Idaho: [nervous] Really?
    Lance: Nah, he's not so bad.
  • Brigadier General Talbot getting ushered away to safety...only to find out he just got snatched by S.H.I.E.L.D.
    May: [aims an ICER pistol at him] Hi again.
    Talbot: Son of a bitch...
  • Coulson's impersonation of Talbot. And Koenig telling him to "Go bigger!" before trying to reel Coulson back in when he goes too far.
    Coulson: [as Talbot] I want General Jones and his friends sent directly to the Ordinance Depot to meet me—
    Koenig: [whispers] Go bigger, go bigger!
    Coulson: ...or I'll have you so deep in horse manure, son, you'll need a damn snorkel!

     Heavy Is the Head 
  • Coulson reveals the stolen Quinjet and the cloakable Bus to Talbot and his men as a show of power.
    Coulson: And this is just the tip of the iceberg. [into his communicator, aside from Talbot] Let's go before the iceberg runs out of fuel.
    • In the same scene, when Talbot inquires about Lance's whereabouts, Coulson casually admits he's watching Cake Boss.
  • Skye raving about Creel's Power Perversion Potential after Trip jokingly asks if he gets lonely.
    Skye: Probably not. He is jacked, and can turn any body part into any substance he wants.
    Coulson (frowning): Okay. Thank you for that.
    • Also, the "Ohh yeah" look on Skye's face when she says it.
  • Despite her every scene being lightly tinged with Nightmare Fuel, the hallucination of Simmons gets some pretty funny moments in general:
    • Even in Fitz's hallucination she's attracted to well-built black men. Becomes extra funny when you realise that that means Fitz just checked out Mack, on her behalf.
    • When Fitz is reluctant to hand his research over to Mack, the scene cuts to Fitz's POV with Simmons smiling encouragingly and moving his arm for him.
    • Her unusually sarcastic delivery of some lines when Fitz's hallucination is slipping can also be pretty funny:
      Mack (to Fitz): Who are you talking to?
      Simmons (annoyed, standing directly between them): Um, me!
  • Coulson has tried Yoga, he's not flexible enough for it. But thanks.
  • Mack's response to Fitz's bout of Tantrum Throwing while they're yelling at each other is to snarl at the three young lab techs, who've been not only silent but completely still for the entire scene:
    Mack: Beat it! You pissed him off!
    • And they do.
  • Raina split with HYDRA because world domination is so 1945.
  • When Trip is about to get tranquilized by Lance
    Trip: Aw, hell no.

     Making Friends and Influencing People 
  • As Simmons heads to work, the incredibly cheerful "God Help The Girl" plays in the background, making the ensuing montage of her walking to work and cheerfully greeting the doorman seem like something out of That Girl. And absolutely nothing seems out of the ordinary until she gets in the elevator and we see the HYDRA logo in the background.
  • Lance apologizes to May for shooting her. For the 470th time. May's response?
    May: Don't be sorry. Just wait.
  • May telling Lance that they're even after she got to shoot him back, while still making it clear that he can expect a shot from Trip too.
  • Coulson inspecting Simmons' fridge and criticizing her diet. Immediately afterwards, he rummages through a brown paper bag to reveal that he's bought her groceries.
  • In the middle of the S.H.I.E.L.D./Hydra firefight in the cargo freighter, the scene cuts away to Mack playing Gears of War on Koenig's Xbox 360.
  • When Lance says May shot him, Trip says something along the lines of "Damn, I wanted to be the one."

     Face My Enemy 
  • Alphonso, acting as the driver for Coulson and May's op, showing off his Rolls Royce. Coulson knows what he's getting at.
    Coulson: You're still not touching Lola.
  • The team has seen some truly crazy things in their work. But nothing seems to weird them out more than chatty, laughing May.
    Fitz: That's very alarming.
    • And she does it so little that she complains her face hurts after a particularly hearty laugh.
    • In fact, any scene with May in her persona is this, just for the sheer strangeness.
  • Coulson getting ready to tip-toe through a Laser Hallway, only for May to roll her eyes and walk right through, setting off the alarm.
    May: They already know we're here.
  • Talbot begins ominiously walking towards May and Coulson. When May asks what's going on, Coulson theorizes that Talbot is pissed off at them for kidnapping him that time. Clark Gregg's delivery, like he's genuinely confused why someone could be holding a grudge over something so minor, nails it.
  • The rest of the team's visible irritation over Hunter and Skye's flirting.
  • Mack saying with utter seriousness that having to pretend to like quinoa for one of his girlfriends was "a pretty dark time in my life."
  • When May is flirting with Soto at the party, Soto’s bodyguard gives a hearty eye roll.
  • Lance claims he had an Interspecies Romance because his ex is a "demonic hellbeast".
    • Even more Hilarious in Hindsight considering the "hellbeast" turns out to be Agent Bobbi "Mockingbird" Morse, who recommended him for his current job in the first place and is now his teammate!
    • Also, Skye's response is "Hey, at least you got away from your ex. The guy I had a crush on is now the psycho living in our basement."
  • Fitz's hallucination of Simmons gets annoyed at Fitz for refusing to talk to her. He responds in an irritated whisper that that's because it's embarrassing.
  • The look on Bakshi's face when May gets loose and charges at him is hilarious.
  • Fitz and Hunter briefly partnering up to repair the plane has some hilarious dialogue, starting with Hunter's realisation that Fitz chose him to work with because, of the five team members trapped on the plane, he was the only one with no useful skills in an engineering crisis other than that his hands work.
    • Most of their dialogue can be summed up by Fitz shouting "Oh dear God don't touch that!" and Hunter following every small step of the procedure by asking in a hopeful tone whether the plane's repaired now.
  • When Fitz is struggling to come up with the word "explode", Mack is about to chip in when the Bus helpfully provides a demonstration, right on cue. This repeats a couple of times as more systems shut down.
    Fitz: Next it's going to... yeah, that.
  • Coulson's reaction to the the May vs. Fake May fight.
    "I can't believe I'm the only one seeing this right now."

     A Hen In the Wolf House 
  • Hallucination!Simmons continues to scope out Mack, only this time Fitz acknowledges that he's actually the one doing it, since he knows she's not real.
  • Lance's reaction to Bobbi Morse showing up, pretty much a complete 180 from his regular personality. Even May is cracking up in the background. With the added hilarious fact of her being the ex he's always badmouthing.
    Trip: What's the deal there?
    May: Hunter ever tell you stories about his she-devil ex-wife?
    Trip: All the time.
    *May gestures at Bobbi*
    Trip: ...Dayum.
    • Coulson telling Lance to "play nice" with Bobbi. He sounds just like a father chiding his kid.
      • It also makes the Interspecies Romance line from "I Will Face My Enemy" more hilarious, considering Bobbi is better known as Mockingbird.
    • He's especially outraged that Bobbi is the one who recommended him for the job, shouting "Why would you do that?" as if it's not a huge compliment to his skills.
  • Lance has been drinking to get in character for undercover work. Skye is reminded of Ron Burgundy.
  • Skye's totally justified but nonetheless comically delivered Big "WHAT?!" when Coulson tells her she might be an alien.
    Coulson: It's a theory.
    • To which Skye then replies that a "theory" is a scientific explanation of how the world works, not an unsupported guess. Which is a "hypothesis", as many online flame war bloggers would be happy to remind you.
  • Bobbi's utter casualness in saying Simmons being exposed to all of HYDRA is a "curveball."
    • In the immediately preceding scene, Simmons' sheer "WTF?" look after the woman who scared the daylights out of her beats up HYDRA guards.
  • Fitz has finally accepted that Simmons Has a Type, and based on her rather obvious attraction to Mike and Trip, assumes that she'll have a thing for Mack. Her first Ship Tease of Season 2 is with... Bobbi Morse.
    • Basically, it's looking increasingly like Simmons' type is less specific than it seemed, and more "anyone Fitz can never hope to be like." You have to feel sorry for the guy.
  • The Doctor reflexively killing two armed and armored HYDRA guards in seconds with nothing more than a scalpel and a metal box? Awesome and terrifying. Then darkly hilarious a second later when he gets an embarrassed look on his face that says "Crap, I've got to stop doing that" and mutters "Uh, sorry," in a tone that a normal person might use for having knocked over a drink. Plus wiping the faceprint of one of the dead mooks off Whitehall's desk with his sleeve.

     A Fractured House 
  • Talbot says "aliens" at the beginning in the exact same way as a certain memetic individual.
  • Coulson made some changes to Christian Ward's speech. It's funnier now.
  • In the beginning of the episode, while Coulson is explaining the situation about the fake SHIELD attack on the U.N. to Skye and Triplett, he reaches for an item on top of some plates in a cupboard, which turns out to be a Grumpy Cat cup.
    Coulson: Somebody bring this from home?
  • When Bobbi confronts Hunter about his Psycho-Ex stories, he insists that he didn't badmouth her to the rest of Team Coulson and he certainly didn't call her a "hellbeast". It doesn't even sound like something he'd say!
  • Hunter and May monitoring Bobbi while she's on mission. And May getting stuck listening to Hunter gripe.
    Hunter: You think I'm being petty, don't you? Well, I'm not. I have no problem with Bobbi kissing that guy.
    May: Good. 'Cause you had a hickey on your neck for a week after our mission in Miami.
    Hunter: Excuse me for doing my job thoroughly.
    Hunter: And with style.
    • Hunter goes in to rescue Bobbi after her cover is blown and provokes an arugument with her. Then they simultaneously shoot Toshiro—mid-argument—as he's trying to get up from the initial fight.
  • Everyone has to make sure HYDRA's False Flag Operation wasn't actually them.
  • Fitz spends several episodes convinced that Simmons will have a crush on Mack (having finally worked out her type), but when they actually meet they quickly make it clear they don't like each other.

     The Writing On The Wall 
  • Hank Thompson declining to return to his old life as an Agent of SHIELD... but saying that Coulson can call on him anytime he needs a welder.
  • It's darkly funny (and turns deadly serious real quick), but when Skye says that Coulson using the brainwave machine to recover his memories is the worst idea in the history of bad ideas, Coulson counters that using alien blood to bring back the dead blows everything else out of the water.
  • Skye nonchalantly answering Bakshi's confiscated phone with "Hail Hydra." For that matter, Ward nonchalantly addressing her and getting the jump on her was darkly funny too, but that may be due to Mood Whiplash.
  • When asked serious questions about the alien writing, Coulson replies "I don't know," three times in the same deadpan tone.
  • Hunter claims Bobbi got noticed by Ward because she's not subtle.
    Bobbi: Me? You were dressed like a cowboy!
    • Hunter's exaggerated southern accent in the cowboy disguise.
  • How did Fitz and Mack get a body for autopsy? "Just walk out like you own it."
    • Fitz's response is a joke in mangled Latin. You can almost feel Simmons' eyeroll.
    Fitz: Corpsey diem. Seize the dead.
  • Although it's a reminder of the changed nature of Fitz and Simmons' current relationship, which can be a bummer, it's also kind of funny that Simmons and Mack frequently snap at each other due to their feelings over the other's relationship with Fitz, which is strongly reminiscent of how Fitz and Tripp reacted to their Love Triangle over Simmons in Season 1.
  • The bar Ward goes to is named "The Goldbrix Tavern." Goldbrix (goldbrick) is an old military term for a slacker.

     The Things We Bury 
  • Coulson, Skye and Trip discussing the plan with the watch:
    Skye: What is it?
    Coulson: It's a watch. (Skye gives him a look) Deliver it to Cam, the owner of the Kahana Nui repair shop.
    Skye: Got it. Anything else?
    Coulson: If it starts to leak ANY fluids, drop it, run.
    Skye: This does not sound like a watch.
    • ...and the button.
    Trip: Am I okay with this in my pocket?
    Coulson: Depends. Do you want kids? (Trip quickly removes the button from his pocket)
    • Along with the utterly mundane reason he needed Trip to pick up the tie — it was a gift from Audrey, he spilled something on it, and he wants it back now that it's clean.
  • Coulson asks the Doctor if the Diviner is as powerful as the Tesseract. The Doctor immediately answers yes...then admits he doesn't actually know what the Tesseract is.
    • In that same conversation:
    The Doctor: Whitehall just thinks it's a weapon. He has no idea what's inside.
    [cue shocked look from Coulson]
    The Doctor: Oh, right: There's something inside.
  • Morse and Hunter finally have a confrontation about the reasons for their marriage falling apart and why they are completely unable to have a trusting relationship. An argument which ends with the two of them stripping and diving into the back seat of an SUV.
  • This comment on Fury's chessmaster skills:
    Coulson: He could always see five steps ahead... which for a man with one eye is impressive.
  • It's more awesome than funny, but Fitz's determination to beat the task Coulson's given him using only his bad hand results in some funny moments, like when Skye comforts him that he could assemble the transceiver in his sleep, and he replies that he could do it in his sleep, very well - the problem is, he's awake.
    • When Fitz casually reveals that his failure to trim the procedure down to under six minutes was only using his bad hand, both his nonchalance and Coulson's expression of surprise are pretty priceless.

     Ye Who Enter Here 
  • Both Sam and Billy refer to each other as the short brother.
  • The Hypocritical Humour from the Koenigs talking about how weird it would be to have somebody looking just like them walking around.
    • Slightly more Fridge Brilliance when one realizes that many identical twins (triplets? quadruplets? how many of them are there?) are far better able to spot physical differences between themselves and their siblings than most outsiders ever could.
  • Billy and Sam trolling Trip (and the audience) by simultaneously saying there's thirteen of them.
  • Even Raina is creeped out by the Koenig twins. And so is Ward. As he comes onto the bus, he can see one Koenig in front of him, pointing a gun. Then the one behind him makes an angry remark about Ward killing their brother, and Ward looks back in confusion, his only response:
    How many of you are there?
    • Keep in mind, this is said during an otherwise tense standoff.
  • After everyone else on the team is quite disturbed by Agent 33 now looking like May, May herself just seems annoyed by it.
  • In an otherwise Tear Jerker scenario, Fitz-Simmons deal with the aftermath of their conversation on the plane by being overly polite to one another, each absolutely insisting that the other speak first. Coulson eventually snaps at them "Somebody just start talking!"
  • Simmons self-censoring when telling Skye that the situation with her father is messed up... then explaining at length that she didn't want to use cruder language so as to not hurt Skye's feelings at a difficult time, making sure that Skye (and the audience) couldn't possibly miss what it was she'd initially wanted to say.
  • When Simmons insists that she has never had even the slightest romantic feelings towards Fitz, Bobbi tells her that if it were an interrogation she's giving off at least nine visual cues that would put her away. Maybe ten.

    What They Become 
  • One of the Koenigs explaining his brother's absence in terms that would imply he's an android.
    Tripp: Where's your brother been hiding?
    Koenig: All the excitement fried his circuits. His cooling system kicked in and he's recharging his batteries.
    Tripp: I know what you're doing.
  • Bobbi shutting Hunter up at a sensitive moment by kissing him and still filching the address paper from her contact in Puerto Rico who's being followed by HYDRA agents.
  • Hunter's response to Bobbi hiding a flash drive in her pocket as "something not involving us".
  • Skye's father gets surprisingly Adorkable at times when they finally meet. He wanted to be prepared with almond cookies and flowers.
  • Ward's response to Skye's father saying what he's going to do to Whitehall isn't something he wants her to see.
    Ward: I don't mind seeing!
  • Coulson's response to Skye's father after the former kills Whitehall before the latter gets his chance to exact his revenge.
    Cal: What did you do!?
    Coulson: ...You're welcome?
  • Hunter's Casual Danger Dialogue.
    Hunter: Join S.H.I.E.L.D, travel to exotic locales, meet interesting people. *beat* And kill them. *shoots HYDRA goon out a window*.
  • The look of complete shock on Ward's face after Skye shoots him in the back and leaves him wounded on the floor. Skye throwing a quip that he taught her Never turn your back on your enemy makes it even more darkly hilarious.
  • Fitz assures Trip and Simmons that he can find his way around the city since he has a map... then immediately has to turn around because he went the wrong way.
  • Ward mocks Agent 33: "I'm happy to comply."
  • Coulson and May storming a building full of HYDRA agents by themselves.
    Coulson: You know what we could use here?
    May: Another fifty men?
    Coulson: I was going to say a dozen, but I like your idea better.

  • Cal's pitiful attempt to soften the blow of Raina's thorn-covered Inhuman form: "You always did love flowers."
  • Cal's cheerful dancing when he learns that Skye/Daisy went through Terrigenesis and that he might have the opportunity to guide her through the change.
  • Coulson's Large Ham performance as he and May fake their deaths.
    May: "You'll never take us alive?" Really?
    Coulson: Hey, give me a break, I only had a day to come up with this. If I had let you write the script, no one would have said anything.
  • The scanner built out of an action figure of Coulson riding Lola.

    Who You Really Are 

  • Amnesiac Sif is good for a laugh, and not for the reasons you'd think.
    • When Thor's name is mentioned, she giggles.
      Sif: I do not know that word, but for some reason when I hear it, I want to smile. Do you have any idea why?
      Coulson: Who can explain the mysteries of the Asgardian brain?
      May: I can.
    • Sif's memories have been scrubbed of everything but basic childhood knowledge. Turns out that covers a lot.
      Sif: There are only seven known species in the Realms that breathe nitrogen. None of them humanoid.
      [Coulson and May stare at her]
      Sif: [shuffles awkwardly] I learned this as a child. Did you... not?
    • Or when they discover that the alien is Kree.
      Sif: This explains much. I thought "Kava" was a name. It is a Kree word; it means "key."
      Coulson: You learned alien languages as a child?
    • And then she assumes Coulson doesn't know what keys are when he's surprised at the word, complete with eye roll.
  • One quick one while they're at the crime scene.
    Hunter: I can't see any blood. Fitz, isn't there some special light that finds blood?
    Fitz: ...Not blood.
  • Coulson tries to jog Sif's memory by introducing himself as "Son of Coul."

    One of Us 
  • Karla shutting the door in Cal's face in the middle of his spiel to join his group. And when she thinks it over and opens it again, he's not fazed at all.
  • Skye being more interested in learning the juicy details of May's marriage than undergoing the psychological evaluation that Dr. Gardner is there to perform.
  • Fitz drinking coffee out of a Grumpy Cat mug.
  • Cal is clearly having a blast going all Evil Is Hammy.
  • Cal sounds like an excited fanboy while asking Skye about her powers.
    Cal: So what's your thing? 'Cause I was hoping for wings.
  • Mack has Hunter cuffed to a sink in a bathroom in a hotel somewhere. Hunter then decides to take back every time he wished Bobbi good luck and wishes for her to burn and rot in hell.
    • Bobbi's suggestion: "Get him a beer or something."
  • As Cal and his team of superhumans are eating at a dinner, Angar has a plastic straw stuck through the small mouth opening of his mask, through which he very contentedly sips his drink as the others talk.
    • His enthusiastic nodding along with Cal because he can't talk is also pretty funny.

    Love in the Time of HYDRA 
  • We get to see Talbot in his downtime, singing the praises of riding mowers to his disinterested aide.
  • Talbot attempts Bluff The Imposter and one of the trick questions is asking one of his lieutenants when was the last time he got her name right. The correct answer is "never". Another one is aggressively shaking a woman's cheek.
  • The look on Talbot's face when he realizes it really is his wife he'd just drawn down on and treated like a threat.
  • Agent 33's attempt to copy the face of the doctor who repairs her mask results in his hair and beard on May's face, which he says reminds him of his Berkeley days.
  • Hunter referring to the leadership of other-SHIELD as "Hufflepuff House".
  • Skye complaining about ending up on "the DL".
    Fitz: The down low?
    Skye: The disabled list.
    Fitz: Oh. That makes more sense.
  • Skye explaining how she knows a Old Yeller reference.
    Skye: I've had a lot of free time. And Fitz really wants a dog.


     M.A.O.S. Declassified 
  • The Declassified online show are basically funny recaps hosted by Brett Erlich.
  • The Girl in the Flower Dress recap has several funny moments.
    • One of the skits is Brett being flirtatious with two ladies, and getting taken away by men in suits for being flirtatious both times. He also tries looking at stuff on his smart phone, but still gets kidnapped by men in suits.
    • Also, on the fact that Skye was given a Walking Techbane bracelet, Brett advertises multi colored bracelets.
      Brett: You want green? You want purple? You want glurple?! That's not a color.
    • The Verizon question: "Who do you think is better for Skye? Miles, the "hackavist" or Brett, the real-life host of M.A.O.S Declassified?"

  • Composer Bear McCreary's video blog about how he works hard to create majesty on a daily basis.
  • In an interview of Brett Dalton with concerning Ward's Face-Heel Turn, Brett comments on how the night he found out he was asked to meet with the writers after shooting. This being a Joss Whedon show, he immediately started worrying.
    Brett: And you know I'm on a Joss Whedon show, so from the very beginning I'm not unaware of the fact that my position on the team was not a guarantee.
  • The cast of the show received an early screening of Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Reportedly, after they finished watching, they immediately asked whether they still had jobs.
    • The cast were given pages that revealed Ward's treachery. Chloe Bennet and Ming-Na Wen's recreation of their reactions to the revelation at PaleyFest 2014 brought the house down.
      Chloe Bennet: "What a motherfucker! But I kissed him!"
      Ming-Na Wen: "Well I fucked him!"
  • During the "Assembling a Universe" special, Clark Gregg talks about meeting with Joss Whedon during the filming of The Avengers, and having Whedon tell him that is character is basically The Heart of the Avengers, and that his role is very important to the plot of the film. Gregg is flattered for a moment...until he realizes that it's Joss Whedon telling him this, and he knows what happens to The Heart in his movies...
  • The cast being asked to do impressions of their favourite S.H.I.E.L.D. agents from the MCU (barring their own character, of course). Chloe Bennett's extended impression of Simmons should win extra points for being done in a wonderfully inaccurate Cockney accent.
  • Brett Dalton's love of being an incorrigible Pungeon Master while live-tweeting during each episode is a sight to behold.
  • The bloopers. Highlights include a Charlie's Angels impersonation, Ming-Na panting like a dog, and everyone (specially Chloe Bennett) frequently struggling to keep a straight face.
  • Shortly after revealing Mockingbird exists in the MCU, but before revealing that she is in for rebuilding SHIELD one of the Koenigs wonders if she asked about him and accuses the other of pretending to be him, much to the second one's exasperation. After learning that Mockingbird is in, he becomes flustered and leaves to prepare HQ.
    • The Koenig who got killed by Ward was "Eric", the one introduced at the end of Season 1 is "Billy", and now the one who takes over the orientation from him is called "Sam"...that's right, there's a third Koenig brother, and all of them work for S.H.I.E.L.D. "Family resemblance" just took on a whole new meaning.
      • Lampshaded by Triplett in the Season 2 premiere, who complains about how Billy Koenig keeps talking about his numerous brothers.
  • Ming-Na Wen and Brett Dalton taking the Ice Bucket Challenge all while rocking their respective SHIELD and HYDRA T-Shirts.
  • At the panel at San Diego Comic Con 2014, a child brings out The Destroyer gun in front of the panel, much to the delight of the crowd.
  • When Henry Simmons was cast as Mack, the producers couldn't resist a few lame jokes on the fact that there was already a lead character named "Simmons" in the show. It gets funny once Henry Simmons' character meets the character named Simmons... and the two can't stand one another.
  • The featurette about "The Asset" shows that as Chloe Bennett jumped into the pool, Brett Dalton was holding a plaque akin to a diving judge. Chloe complains that he just gave her an 8 or 9, because "I'd give him a 10 if he jumped into a pool in a pink dress!"