Funny: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
The show itself
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- In Ward's opening fight scene, a half-naked blonde walks in on him stealing the neural link, rolls her eyes as the fight starts, then just walks away.
Ward: Your fireplace is broken.
- About a minute into a fight scene between Agent Ward and some mooks, Mission Control contacts Ward:
- Ward's debriefing.
Maria Hill: What does S.H.I.E.L.D. stand for, Agent Ward?
Agent Ward: Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division.
Maria Hill: And what does that mean to you?
Agent Ward: It means somebody really wanted our initials to spell "shield".
- Even funnier when you know that S.H.I.E.L.D was founded in honour of Captain America by, among others, Howard Stark and Peggy Carter, meaning Ward's actually hit the nail on the head here. (Though in Iron Man, Coulson claimed they were struggling to come up with a shorter name for the organization - then again, with hindsight, this is Coulson we're talking about...)
- When they reach the subject of The Avengers themselves.
: I don't think Thor is...technically
a god. Maria Hill
: *mutters* You haven't been near his arms.
- Ward then looks vaguely traumatized.
- Coulson can't resist lampshading his own dramatic entrance.
Coulson: Sorry, this corner was really dark, and I couldn't help myself. [beat] I think there's a bulb out.
- Coulson, Hill, and Ward discussing Coulson's survival of the events of Avengers
: Director Fury faked your death to motivate the Avengers. Hill
: Well, the death of a common ally is a particularly effective team-builder. Coulson
: Plus, it wasn't that much of a stretch. I stopped breathing for about forty seconds. Hill
: It gets longer every time you tell it. Coulson
: Yeah, well, you get shanked by the Asgardian Mussolini
, you can tell it your way. I was looking at the big, white light and it felt like a lot longer than eight seconds
- When Coulson goes over Ward's profile that Maria Hill made:
Coulson: Under people skills, I think she drew a little poop. With knives sticking out of it.
- Coulson poking light fun at Melinda's current position in the SHIELD organization.
Coulson: Making calls, no red tape.... [looks around] This is where they make the red tape, isn't it?
- He also asks if she's ever considered adding a moat around her desk.
- Blink and you'll miss it, but Fitz smacks Ward on the ass after the latter boards the plane.
- Fitz smashing Ward's brand new comm unit with a mallet and Simmons cheerfully taking a cheek swab within a minute of Ward's entrance.
- "Don't touch Lola."
- Skye sends out a message towards SHIELD attempting to threaten them. As she continues her message, Agent Coulson and several other agents open the door of the van having tracked her down. All a shocked Skye can say is "Hey... What up?"
- Between Ward and Skye when they capture her:
- Ward says Skye is just like one of those cosplay girls that hang outside Stark Tower. She adamantly protests she is not...except for one time...
- Ward, when he's injected with the Truth Serum. Coulson makes like he intends to inject Skye, and Ward assumes the same; then Coulson injects Ward and invites Skye to ask him anything she'd like if it'll help her trust S.H.I.E.L.D.
Ward: And yes, it did hurt a little bit, but I was trying to mask my pain in front of beautiful women because I think it makes me seem more masculine - my God, this stuff works fast.
- Fitz's blundering while talking to Skye.
- Skye has this to say about Lola.
It's a brave new world....In a very old car.
- How do Fitz-Simmons and Ward celebrate after their first victory? Apparently, drinking beer and eating Chinese food.
- It's a subtle one, but Ward's expression upon finding that "Fitzsimmons" is a pair of dividuals, rather than a single person, is pretty funny.
- Skye's van is brought to S.H.I.E.L.D. mobile command:
Skye: No joyriding, okay? It's my house.
- Fitz and Simmons taking a selfie with the Peruvian ruins.
- Coulson describing what he intends for Skye to do on The Team...
Skye: So, why am I here?
Coulson: Distraction. If something happens, you come up with a story, lead the public in the wrong direction.
Skye: ...so...pretty much everything I stand against?
- Everyone (including Melinda and Coulson) edging warily back from the device when the latter warns that it's much more dangerous than a nuclear bomb.
- After being captured and stowed in the cargo hold.
Fitz: This is all my fault. I should have learned kung-fu.
- After Melinda snaps her wrist to slip free of her bonds and take out the mook guarding them, she turns back to the rest of the team, and we get a shot of the four of them (even Ward, who knew exactly who she was and what she could do) staring in shock.
Melinda: You guys talk a lot. [drives a car through the door]
- Camilla reasoning that everything Coulson is doing - the Cool Car, the big jet ("Your airborne mancave"), his renewed idealism, the team of attractive young people - is a mid-life crisis.
Coulson:...more like after-life.
- The after-life comment is now more of a "Funny Aneurysm" Moment given the revelations in the episode The Magical Place.
- All of Nick Fury's cameo at the end of the episode where he lectures Coulson on allowing the jet to be damaged on its second mission.
Fury: Really? Really, Coulson? Six days? It only took you six days to take a completely renovated piece of state-of-the-art machinery, and turn it into scrap?
Fury: Talkin' to me about 'authority'. You know I have the authority to downgrade your ass to a Winnebago. (he keeps on repeating "Talkin' to me about 'authority'!" several times afterwards)
Fury: It had a bar! A really nice one...
Fury: How's Lola?
Coulson: She's fine, sir. Thanks for asking.
- During his rant, Fury tells Coulson he wants the jet exactly as it was before; he doesn't want silly modifications like "a, a, a damn fish tank!" After he leaves, Coulson says into his earpiece "we're gonna have to kill the fish tank."
- Trying to reassure Skye that the 0-8-4 is secure, Simmons rambles and quickly ends up in not-very-reassuring territory:
"...not that it couldn't explode at any minute, especially if hit by machine gun fire, but things like this happen from time to time when in the field, and at first it's very unpleasant..."
- The fact that Skye saved the day with a safety pamphlet, and in doing so, become the first person to actually read said pamphlet.
- Fitz sounds just a bit too excited when he says that the only bunk left for Skye to use is the one right next to his.
- Coulson lists all of the team members' qualifications, but leaves out Skye. As he walks off, Skye calls out "I'm good at stuff too."
- The episode starts with a redneck trucker singing along horribly with the radio. Turns out he's actually a highly trained SHIELD agent, which somehow just makes it funnier.
- Ward telling Skye that SHIELD doesn't actually have a Truth Serum. It's left mildly ambiguous whether or not that's true, but if it is, it makes the interrogation from the pilot episode all the more hilarious. Plus Ward says he only told her Level 1 secrets, ie: low protected secrets she could easily hack for herself, and would be officially cleared to know about as soon as she joined SHIELD anyway, so she really learned nothing important.
- Skye's reaction to learning that the SHIELD transport was attacked by an invisible enemy:
- Coulson and Ward discover that the guy who supplied the excavator was paid...in bars of gold. On top of him riding a horse and being dressed as a cowboy...
Ward: Now it really feels like the old west.
- There's something funny that Malta seems to be the only place in the world, where SHIELD has no juristriction.
- Coulson's trading cards are mentioned. It was only a moment, but it earned a few giggles.
- Skye's hilariously bad attempt at a Meaningful Echo of something Ward said to her earlier when Quinn has her at gunpoint.
- Fitz is adamant that the only way the team can get into Quinn's compound is with a highly trained monkey. It could turn off the alarm with its adorable little paws. Simmons's tone also suggests this isn't the first problem he's suggested solving with a monkey.
- Also eating popcorn while listening to Skye on a tense mission
- Once Skye has gotten into Quinn's office—to May and Fitz/Simmons' amazement—they wonder aloud how she did it.
Fitz: She probably just used her...ummm...her, uh...her, uh... [gestures by cupping his hands at his chest, then makes a priceless "oh screw it" face] boobs.
- After Skye manages to grab Quinn's gun and turn it on him and his mooks:
Mook: Girl's got balls.
Skye: Thanks... and, yuck.
- When Melinda is trying to talk Coulson out of going with Ward:
: You forget, I saw plenty of action with the Avengers. [he walks off] Melinda
: ...And you died.
- When Coulson finally gets to Dr. Hall, it leads to many hilariously deadpan comments from him. Namely, after Hall says he's right where he's supposed to be...
Coulson: I'll be honest. Our strategy did not take into consideration you saying that.
- When Agent May realizes the truth:
May: Sir, the leak came from—
Coulson: Dr. Hall. Yeah, I'm getting that.
- And then Hall accuses SHIELD of experimenting without thinking of the consequences.
Hall: Your search for an unlimited power source brought an alien invasion.
Coulson: ...Fair point.
- Ward's Mundane Utility solution to a handgun that Coulson was having a hard time dismantling, by tossing it into a nearby laser fence that disintegrates anything that touches it.
- Skye apparently says "bang" when firing a gun and has the safety and clip release switches mixed up.
- Becomes a brick joke. She gets a gun, and tries to turn the safety off. Insert ammo falling out.
- Ward calling the van where he and Coulson take Skye and Fitzsimmons to the field the "Short Bus"note , much to Coulson's displeasure.
- When Skye, egged on by Fitzsimmons, asks Ward about where they can pee when told that they can't leave the van, Ward tells them to share a (small) empty plastic bottle between the three of them. An annoyed Skye responds with, "Did you never learn the part where girl parts and boy parts are different, and our parts aren't penises?"
Ward: Anything else?
Skye: Oh, yeah! Fitz wants to know if you left any snacks for us.
Fitz: Yeah, I'm feeling a bit peckish!
- When the team finds out about the device in Akela's eye, Skye says this to Ward: "You're a robot, can you do that?"
- It's made even funnier by the fact that Ward, much like a robot, gives absolutely no reaction to the joke.
- Ward's response to being ordered to seduce a man (he's playing proxy to Akela) after stating he would do whatever it took.
Ward: [to Skye] Help.
- Skye's opinion of what she and Fitzsimmons are seeing on a surveillance feed:
Skye: Russian TV's kinda boring.
- "That kinda looks like our van..." And then Fitz stands up and waves...
- At the tag end of the episode Fitz is having Skye use the X-Ray glasses to help him cheat at cards.
Skye: You realize if I put these on I'll see you naked.
[Fitz hurriedly aborts the scheme]
Skye: ...[puts on the glasses, looks at Ward, and turns them on] Hm. [smiles happily]
Girl in the Flower Dress
- One of the few things S.H.I.E.L.D. was able to dig up on Miles Lydon was that he runs a Minecraft mod to play as a Zombie Pigman. Judging from FitzSimmons' facial expressions, that's terrible.
- Just hearing Simmons say "Zombie Pigman" in a completely serious, even more RP than usual tone of voice is inherently pretty funny.
- Coulson's reaction to hearing Chan's use of the alias "Scorch."
Coulson: Ah crap, they gave him a name.
- May tries to talk down Scorch in Cantonese. Scorch responds with an angry megalomaniacal rant in the same language. Coulson clearly didn't understand a word of it.
Coulson: [to May] So we're good, right?
- May is more than a little disturbed to find that she wasn't briefed about Chan's megalomania.
May: His file say anything about him being homicidal?
Coulson: Just said he was kind of a tool!
- Coulson lets Miles go free, but first he hands him a small box with an electronic bracelet to track his movements and restrict usage of electronic devices for a while. Coulson warns "you can take what's in the box, or we'll put you in a slightly larger one."
Coulson: You're free to go.
Miles: We're still in Hong Kong.
Miles: ...I live in Austin, Texas.
Coulson: By the way, Agent Qwan's family appreciates the generous donation.
- When Skye asks why she and Ward are playing Battleship rather than doing their normal training, he tells her that it's his duty as her SO to evaluate the way she thinks...
Ward: Also, I like board games.
- Skye gloating over beating him at the game and making him say "You sunk my battleship." Also the tone in which Ward said it. If you look at their boards, you can see why: Skye is just aiming at random and is winning.
- Coulson's idea of Casual Danger Dialog after being dragged into a dank basement for interrogation is... surprisingly practical.
Coulson: I don't mean to alarm you, but I think you may have a mold problem. That sink with the standing water seems especially concerning.
- Skye tries to walk into a Level Seven meeting while having yet to earn Level One clearance, and promptly gets attached to the wall by her bracelet.
Skye: Is this your subtle way of telling me I'm not allowed in the meeting?
- Agent Shaw hid a USB drive with top secret information up his nose.
- Simmons' reaction to learning that Fitz is going on a field mission. She acts like a worried mother getting her child ready for his first day at school.
- Simmons is so horrible at talking her way out of a situation that she ends up firing the Night-Night Gun at Agent Sitwell.
- One highlight:
: My, Agent Sitwell, you certainly have a lovely...head
- And her attempts to flirt her way out:
Simmons: I like men that are my height, but heavier than me!
- Then later, when she tells Fitz about it:
Fitz: So what do you get up to in the Hub?
Simmons: I shot a superior officer in the chest.
- Made a bit less funny (or perhaps more) after Sitwell is revealed to be a traitor in Captain America: The Winter Soldier.
- Fitz getting his trolly stuck between the glass doors at the Hub and becoming increasingly frustrated by it. And after finally getting the cart through, the doors just close on him and the glass blocks any sound so you can't hear his frustration, including the cut-off cry of "fantastic!"
- Coulson has a serious discussion with May about whether he should share information above Skye and Simmons' classification level. Except May is practicing Tai-Chi during the conversation, and also never says a word. Though she does roll her eyes at the end.
- Fitz gets in a delightful Deadpan Snarker moment while he and Ward are hiding out:
- Fitz puts up an x-ray screen to see through the wall so they can figure out what to do next.
Fitz: Okay, I see two guards...armed with rifles...oh, there's a third guard. Wait...he's attacking them! Ward, are you seeing this, he's attacking them! He's, he's coming right for us—
Ward: [opens door from the inside] Come on.
Fitz: ...ah, that makes sense.
- Ward saying why he doesn't want Mike on the team. "The last time we saw this guy, he was a raging homicidal maniac... He's Right Behind Me, isn't he?"
- Later he still doesn't think it's a good idea...but admits that Mike's new suit is cool.
- Simmons manually takes Mike Peterson's measurements even though they have a device that can do it. Fitz calls her out.
- Peterson's reaction to seeing Skye on the SHIELD team:
The Magical Place
- Simmons telling off Ward after he ripped open what one could only assume was her stitching of the wound in his shoulder, during the capture of Van Chat.
Simmons: Impressive. You've actually managed to re-open all of your stitches.
- Skye is about to be escorted off the Bus when FitzSimmons rush up to her and hand her a brown paper bag.
- Skye dresses up in a leather jacket, tall boots, and aviators, confronts a man who can lead her to Centipede, and identifies as S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent...Melinda May.
- Skye's manipulation of the rich asshole into hacking a computer for her. Especially when she runs into a wall because he doesn't even know how to click on account history. She switches him with one of his rent-a-cops she had beat up earlier.
Lloyd: [to other guard] The thing is, I have an assistant who usually does all this.
- May notices Skye's Whole Costume Reference at the end of the episode.
May: Nice jacket.
[May and Skye smirk at each other]
- When Raina is being arrested:
Simmons: Bet there aren't any flower dresses where she's going.
Fitz: Amen to that, sister.
- The verbal pass phrase to disengage Skye's Walking Techbane bracelet is "disengage bracelet."
Coulson: I thought you'd like that.
- Listen closely - he says the pass phrase in a Scottish accent to mimic Fitz.
- The scene where Skye leaves the plane and passes by one of Hand's cronies:
Skye: Don't touch Lola.
Crony: [abruptly turns away]
- When Fitz-Simmons are explaining to Ward that he needs to equip a dendrotoxin-filled cuff on the Centipede soldiers' forearms to incapacitate them:
- How Ward interrogates Vanchat.
- When Skye is pretending to be May, she establishes her credentials with the rich guy she's interrogating by taking his phone, fake-calling in a SHIELD command code, and erasing all the data on the phone (she really just used the Anti-Tech bracelet she was wearing). The guy's response? He complains that she ruined his score on Angry Birds.
- Skye needs to make a phone call, but her anti-tech bracelet will fry it if she gets too close. How does she fix this issue? Use a golf club to dial the phone instead.
- A train employee has trouble talking to May in Italian, with her appearing to ignore him. Ward covers for her, leading to this:
Employee: This one's a lot of work, no?
Ward: Keeps it interesting.
- May finding Ward and Coulson frozen by the enemy's Night-Night grenade.
- Ward and Coulson trying to use the holographic imaging table...and failing utterly. Ward did slightly better than Coulson—he successfully found the "on" switch.
- Coulson tells Ward that if his affair with May gets anyone hurt, he will be sent to Alaska to guard a frozen Emil Blonsky. It ends with this little gem:
Coulson: If it's really just sex, Ward, you might want to get more comfortable using the word.
- Simmons is undercover as Coulson's estranged daughter, and gets a little too into character, leading to her ranting loudly about how Coulson's work and prostitutes were more important. This leads to Coulson getting chastised by Stan Lee.
Coulson: [indignantly] Prostitutes? Plural?
- Also, Simmons is a little bit too prepared for her role. She drops in details that are overly specific, like the exact days of the week that Coulson was preoccupied with his work. (Something that wouldn't need to be said between an actual father and daughter.)
- Skye's Scottish accent. And Fitz's American one, but for different reasons. His accent is fine, but the things he says are very stereotypically American.
Skye: We were hoping you could recommend a restaurant in downtown Zagreb.
Fitz: Some place affordable with large portions.
- Also, how Fitz learned how to do an American accent.
: I used to watch a lot of American TV growing up. Some of it was very good. Lots of nice teeth.
- The best part is Skye visibly wincing after her accent attempt, as if even she knows it was horrible.
- Coulson hopes they're not dealing with alternate dimensions, because he so doesn't want to go to Asgard right now.
- Stan Lee's cameo.
- A bit of Black Comedy courtesy of Garrett:
Fitz: Comms are down. There's too much mountain on top of us.
Garrett: Trust me it's better. You don't want them hearing the horrible death we're walking into.
[Fitz gives a shocked look.]
Garrett: Humor, son. You Brits are too serious. Besides, if the job was easy...
Ward: ...it wouldn't be any fun.
Fitz: I'm not afraid. Not yet. I suspect the real danger won't happen until we breach that bulletproof glass.
Coulson: What do you think, Fitz? Can you get us inside?
Fitz: To certain horrible death? Absolutely.
- Simmons catching Skye attempting to sneak out of bed (for the umpteenth time) and the latter grumbling about "prison warden extending her house arrest".
- The context puts a damper on it, but it's fun to see Sif's reaction to Coulson's asking about blue aliens, as she has no idea why he's so interested in them.
- Simmons attacking Coulson with a fire extinguisher, thinking he's under Lorelei's control.
- The way Fitz acts while under Lorelei's control. He's like a kid with a crush, just ecstatic that the girl he likes is talking with him. Likewise, Coulson's rather obvious attempt to play along and pretend he's also brainwashed...which Fitz completely buys.
- The way he frets when he spots Simmons has gotten loose and chases after her.
Fitz: Oh dear.
- Coulson and Simmons's entire plan for taking down Fitz while he's brainwashed is laughably simplistic, and it works. The way Fitz turns around and politely responds with "Sir?" after Coulson calls his name, only to be clocked in the face and knocked unconscious the next second, is particularly amusing.
- Simmons' reaction to Fitz getting clocked by Coulson.
"Poor thing! He's always getting knocked out, isn't he?"
- Simmons's cheerful comment "I'm not saying you're weak, I'm saying all men are weak" to Fitz - presumably meant to make him feel better - seems to set him on the defensive even more.
- In a similar vein, May's reaction to Sif's comment that only men are vulnerable to Lorelei is a smirk which, given her character, is as good as a laughing fit.
- She may be a villain, but Lorelei grousing about Earth money was pretty hilarious:
Lorelei: I ask for gold and you give me paper!
- She also wonders who the "ugly woman"note on the hundred dollar bill is.
- Followed by Rooster's misinformed explanation that said "ugly woman" used to be president.
- Simmons and Skye realize they've been locked in the hospital room. You, as a viewer think maybe the doors have been locked by Fitz or maybe Lorelei. However, when Coulson arrives at the hospital later, he sees that the door is merely jammed by a simple tire iron. Which, he casually removes and tosses aside. The look on Coulson's face is priceless.note
- Lorelei is busily taunting Sif about how Lorelei once brainwashed a man Sif loved, asking if Sif would like her to describe "his touch, his kiss..." Sif, who is holding Lorelei with the point of her sword at Lorelei's throat, reaches down, slaps the controlling collar around her neck, gives the world's most spectacular eyeroll and deapdans, "You were saying?"
End of the Beginning
- Garrett commenting on Skye's wounds.
Garett: Hell, you took two to the gut! When has Sitwell ever done anything?
[Sitwell looks genuinely offended]
- Fitz and Simmon's adorkable attempts to out-subterfuge Coulson and the rest of the Bus crew...and completely and utterly fail.
- When explaining how he's invented tracker bullets for the ICE guns, Fitz mentions tagging a "wild monkey, if he gets away from you" as an example of how it could be used.
- When Simmons calls on a secure hardline.
Don't use my name Jemma
- Blake believes in horoscopes, and uses astrology to flirt with May.
- Garrett and Coulson get paired off, and pass the time by telling stories about their past exploits. Then Garrett realizes Coulson isn't paying attention.
Garrett: Oh, did I tell you that one already? I must be getting old.
Coulson: I was there.
Garrett: You were? For which part?
Coulson: The whole thing! And you didn't drop through the skylight.
Garrett: Yeah, but it makes for a better story.
- In an otherwise very tense scene, Fitz running into Skye right after May catches him snooping around the cockpit is pretty funny, mainly because Skye seems to be expecting Fitz to have committed some harmlessly Adorkable screw-up.
Fitz: [Turns around and sees Skye, is visibly startled] What? I didn't do anything!
Skye: I never said you did anything. [Pauses briefly, then rolls her eyes in exasperation] Okay, what did you do?
- Even funnier, he puts his hands up in a lame approximation of a 'kung fu' stance, harking back to his comment about not having learnt kung fu in 0-8-4.
Turn, Turn, Turn
- Coulson's "Boo-yah!" when he shoots down the drones attacking Agent Garrett.
- This exchange near the beginning of the episode:
Fitz: I thought HYDRA was defeated after World War II?
Coulson: It was. S.H.I.E.L.D. was founded in the wake of that victory.
Fitz: And now they're back.
Garrett: HYDRA always comes back.
Coulson: Cut off the head, two more will take its place.
Garrett: Is it a head? I thought it was a limb.
Fitz: No, no, pretty sure it was a head.
Coulson: It's a head.
- When things start getting really weird, Coulson just shoots May. With an I.C.E.r, but still. Skye and Fitz's reactions to it make it even better.
- After shooting May, Coulson carries the unconscious woman into the cell, where a very confused Ward is still in holding.
Ward: What's going on?
Coulson: She's a sleeper. ...the other kind.
- For all of his years as a covert operative, Ward makes a mistake: Miscalculating a time bomb.
- Simmons asks why she should trust Triplett; Triplett responds by asking why he should trust her:
- For all its seriousness, Coulson's Kirk Summation to the villainous Garrett is delivered with perfect deadpan timing.
- Skye checking out the corridor Ward is about to try to clear:
Skye: There's, like, a hundred guys out there!
- The ensuing Noodle Incident in which the last five guards overwhelm Ward and are kicking him into the floor. We cut to Skye's reaction as she listens through the door to an obviously brutal beating. After a few seconds' silence, the door opens to reveal... Ward, with only a few cuts and scratches, having apparently turned the whole thing around without firing off a single shot.
- Coulson's half-hearted "yaaaaay" in response to Skye telling him that pretty much the only thing she was able to get working after the assault at the Hub was the Bus' internet.
- Patton Oswalt as Agent Eric Koenig, straddling the line between serious SHIELD agent and awkward Coulson fanboy. Now Phil must know how Steve Rogers felt.
- When one of Garrett's subordinates enthusiastically attempts the "Hail Hydra!" salute:
Garrett: Put your arms down, Kominsky, you look like a West Texas cheerleader at a pep rally.
- As if to make up for him being The Woobie last episode, Fitz gets a bigger dose than usual of his usual Plucky Comic Relief Chew Toy status:
[Simmons keeps telling Fitz he needs to replace the grounding wires on the ramp; he keeps blowing her off.]
Simmons: However, you will need to replace those grounding wires.
Fitz: It's fine. OK, turn it on.
[Triplett turns it on; sparks fly everywhere]
Fitz: TURN IT OFF!
Triplett: You need to replace the grounding wires.
Fitz: You need to shush. Shush, both of you. Honestly, ganging up on me. [storms off while muttering] Think you're so smart, well, why don't you try fixing it.
We have to trust that Coulson knows what he's doing. Triplett:
Hey, I respect Coulson... Fitz: Agent
Coulson, to you. Triplett: Agent
Coulson. He saved our asses back at the Hub. But I'm telling you, he's chasing the white whale. Fitz:
OK, have you even read Moby-Dick
Yeah. Have you? Fitz:
That's... not the point. Now if you can stop spouting your nonsense and let me get back to checking my inventory...
- After Coulson throws his badge in frustration at there not being anything at the coordinates from his badge and it gets shot at by a surprise machine gun turret, sending everyone running for cover:
- Then Simmons gets in on the snark right after:
May: Nobody move!
Simmons: I really don't think that's going to be a problem!
- Quinn complaining about everything he's suffered since being arrested.
"I've been in a cell smaller than my shoe closet! I wasn't allowed to eat with a fork, which would have been worse if I'd been allowed to eat anything but meatloaf!
- Raid "the Fridge"
- There's just something inexplicably funny about finding out that Coulson plays Call of Duty.
The Only Light tn the Darkness
- Maria Hill on the phone with new employer Pepper Potts of Stark Industries, complaining about having to testify to Congress about the fallout from Captain America: The Winter Soldier:
Congress is like kindergarten: "Where is this 'Fridge'? What was in there? Who or what is a 'Man-Thing
'?" I swear, I need a cocktail
and a lobotomy!
- Maria on the phone describing the various people following her:
"But apparently my every move continues to fascinate them. Tonight's standard issue surveillance package includes: fake yuppie not checking her texts at the bus stop, plastered homeless man... mildly offensive, and the hipster following me, think he's Russian or... [sees they've all either disappeared or been rendered unconscious]
- They were taken out by May who talks with Maria in an alley about Coulson. By the time the FBI and police arrive, May is already gone:
Police: [pointing gun] Drop your weapon!
Maria Hill: [checking her watch] Three minutes and twenty seconds. Really? If you were my agents, you wouldn't be for long.
- Simmons lamenting, "I wish our bunker had a bunker."
- After Colonel Talbot orders Coulson and the others to come out:
Coulson: If I come out, will you shoot me? 'Cause... then I won't come out.
- An old man is wandering through a cemetery with a bouquet of flowers when he sees one of the graves has been dug up. After a moment, May pops up, climbs out, tells the man "My condolences," and walks away.
- Ward genuinely taking offense when Skye calls him a Nazi due to working for HYDRA.
Skye: You know you always had that Hitler Youth look to you, so it's really not that surprising!
- Coulson boards the Bus alone, rescues Skye, and is confident he can retake it...only to find out that they've got a problem...
- Phil drives Lola off the Bus, switches her into flight mode while in midair, lands her in the middle of Los Angeles... and is told that parking in his chosen landing spot is $20.
- Coulson then reaches for his wallet, which just makes it funnier.
- Coulson and Skye looking dazed after landing and Skye's frazzled hair. Especially funny since a lot of complaints from people about Skye having such great hair for someone who lives out of her van and then on an airplane.
- Coulson's hair is pretty fluffed up, too.
- Before that, he tells Skye to buckle up before they leave the plane. She didn't have time to, so she nearly flies out of the car. As Coulson pulls her back in, he yells "I told you to buckle up!"
- In a darkly humorous way, Coulson discovering that the TAHITI project was run by none other than himself is met with a simple "huh."
- With an ironic kind of humor, Deathlok's justification for Stopping Ward's heart was word-for-word what Ward gave Skye for his betrayal.
- And when Ward complains that he can't fly the plane, or stand for that matter, because of the heart-stopping device, Deathlok just flicks his wrist to give him a jolt of energy, pats him on the cheek, and declares "That should help!".
- Coulson's brief, unintentional lapse into a Scottish accent while repeating Fitz's description of the I.C.E.r, and his hurried attempt to cover it up.
- Simmons once again accidentally starts to insult someone, then (badly) attempts to cover it up.
- It gets even better with the possibility that it's a reference to fans being stunned to learn Ming-Na Wen was actually fify years old at the time.
- Fitz-Simmons begin to disagree over whose contribution to the Night-Night Gun technology was more significant, leaving Coulson and May struggling to keep up, since they're meant to be feeding them lines to repeat verbatim. Then, their argument is quickly replaced by stunned silence and expressions of total outrage when the CyberTech recruiters criticize both aspects of the design.
- And they refer to the original I.C.E.r design as the "sleepy-sleep gun".
- Fitz's defense of the I.C.E.r in comparison with the Night-Night Gun ends with "... and it has a much cooler name!" Coulson repeats it without really taking it in, then looks annoyed at the outburst.
- Fitz plays with a fake cigarette that emits a laser beam. He sets the curtains of the hotel room on fire.
- Simmons' response to the above is just to roll her eyes and say "Oh, Fitz", like him accidentally setting stuff on fire is a regular occurrence.
- The large file transfer.
- Coulson fanboying over Triplett's inherited collection of 1st generation S.H.I.E.L.D. tech. Even better, this is literally after he's saying that they need to carefully catalogue everything.
- After knocking out the guy in the elevator, May and Coulson pause to discuss the fact that their sweaters itch.
- And the fact that May is the one who brings it up.
- Coulson and May have basically just borrowed clothes from Fitz' and Simmons' closets.
- May's utter commitment to playing a Simmons-esque tech geek. Seeing that smile on her is actually kind of creepy after a while.
- Triplett and Fitz attempt a Handshake Substitute before heading out on a mission, but Triplett goes for a fist-bump, while Fitz goes for a high-five. They manage to meet somewhere in the middle, with a somewhat awkward result.
Beginning of the End
- Fury hands Coulson the Destroyer gun, and he promptly says "I know what it does."
- Garrett's unceremonious end at the hands of Coulson. After getting the evil Cyborg treatment, he goes into a nice villain monologue with evil music rising... aaand gets Killed Mid-Sentence by Coulson. Who treats the whole thing like he's looking for a lost set of keys (or perhaps a lost death ray, since that was what he was looking for at the time).
- Even funnier when you realize he probably had the thing trained on Garrett the whole time and waited until after the (apparently) Painful Transformation.
- When Simmons is expressing the idea that the energy that makes her and Fitz them has existed in other forms before, Fitz naturally thinks of a monkey.
- Coulson and Fury essentially fighting Garrett with nothing but snark, and winning.
: You didn't tell me he'd gone this
: He's really stepped it up a notch
. [...] Garrett
: You remember that speech you used to give us Nick? About how one man can accomplish anything once he realizes he can be something bigger? Well, now I am! Fury
. A part
of something bigger. Garrett
Is that how it went? Coulson
: Not a good listener. Fury
: If you tell me this whole HYDRA path thing you took was because you misheard
my damn "one man" speech... Garrett
: [in the background] I am the key to the future of the universe. I am -- Fury
: [ignores him, turns to Coulson]
You got it, right? Coulson
: Totally. Loud and clear.
- It's made even funnier when the music cuts out when the camera switches to Coulson and Fury.
- After a long, knock-down, drag-out fight between Ward and May, it's ended by May nailgunning Ward's foot to the floor. Through his shoe. Several times. (Ming-Na Wen on Twitter: "NAIL HYDRA!!")
- Fitz having to interrupt him and Simmons happily jumping and dancing around after they figure a way out of their predicament because "Yes, yes, yes! ...this... really hurts my arm..." is funny in a Black Comedy sort of way.
- The "noisemakers" from Triplett's collection of first-gen spy gear. They're literally shaped like noisemakers, and when they're activated they provide noise to distract the enemy. Specifically...
Noisemaker: [gunshots] Hey ho! The enemy approaches, comrades!
- Just before Coulson's fight with Garrett, Fury appears and stands over him, hands in pockets like he just casually strolled in.
Fury: You don't have to call me 'sir', Coulson. Look at me, I'm dressed like I live under a bridge.
- Skye revealing the bomb she's been threatening the whole control room with is actually a Hulk action figure for Ace.
- Quinn trying to cover for Garrett's presence in front of the generals by claiming he's a "strategy consultant."
Garrett: You hear the dying breath of an old world, general. But a new world is coming. I've tasted it on my tongue.
General: ...this is your strategy consultant?
Quinn: Part time.
- Coulson appearing out of nowhere in front of Garrett:
- When Skye confronts Ward:
: I'm not afraid of you, Ward. Ward
: You're not gonna kill us with the bomb. You'd go, too Skye
: No. I have a weapon much better than a bomb, that will absolutely destroy
: And why's that? Skye
: Because you slept with her. And she's really pissed off
. [cue a Dynamic Entry via flying kick from May]
- Pretty much every word out of Nick Fury's mouth is a combination of this and awesome.
- Despite all the emotion surging through the scene, there's something endearingly, absurdly hilarious about hearing the great, eloquent, badass, always-collected Phil Coulson reduced to Buffy Speak when scolding Fury about using T.A.H.I.T.I. to revive him.
Coulson: ...stupid, stupid, stupid! And cruel! And very stupid!!
- At the end of the episode, the team arrives at another super-secret base, and they are greeted by... Eric Koenig? He's not dead? No, wait, it's actually his brother that he mentioned playing Call of Duty with before, who proceeds to deliver almost word-for-word the exact same Fanboy speech to Coulson that Eric did several episodes earlier.
- This exchange between Jim and Dum Dum while raiding the HYDRA camp.
Jim: Nice and calm, no sudden moves, or we'll tie a blasting cap to your... hey Dugan, what's the German word for nuts?
Dum Dum Dugan: I dunno, Jim. [cocks shotgun] But tie a blasting cap to 'em, I bet we'll hear it.
- Lance warns Idaho not to look Coulson directly in the eye.
Really? [beat] Lance
: Nah, he's not so bad.
- Brigadier General Talbot getting ushered away to safety...only to find out he just got snatched by S.H.I.E.L.D.
May: [aims an ICER pistol at him] Hi again.
Talbot: Son of a bitch...
- Coulson's impersonation of Talbot. And Koenig telling him to "Go bigger!" before trying to reel Coulson back in when he goes too far.
Coulson: [as Talbot] I want General Jones and his friends sent directly to the Ordinance Depot to meet me—
Koenig: [whispers] Go bigger, go bigger!
Coulson: ...or I'll have you so deep in horse manure, son, you'll need a damn snorkel!
Heavy Is the Head
- Coulson reveals the stolen Quinjet and the cloakable Bus to Talbot and his men as a show of power.
Coulson: And this is just the tip of the iceberg. [into his communicator, aside from Talbot] Let's go before the iceberg runs out of fuel.
- In the same scene, when Talbot inquires about Lance's whereabouts, Coulson casually admits he's watching Cake Boss.
- Skye raving about Creel's Power Perversion Potential after Trip jokingly asks if he gets lonely.
: Probably not. He is jacked, and can turn any body part into any substance he wants. Coulson
(frowning): Okay. Thank you for that.
- Also, the "Ohh yeah" look on Skye's face when she says it.
- Despite her every scene being lightly tinged with Nightmare Fuel, the hallucination of Simmons gets some pretty funny moments in general:
- Coulson has tried Yoga, he's not flexible enough for it. But thanks.
- Mack's response to Fitz's bout of Tantrum Throwing while they're yelling at each other is to snarl at the three young lab techs, who've been not only silent but completely still for the entire scene:
Mack: Beat it! You pissed him off!
- Raina split with HYDRA because world domination is so 1945.
- When Trip is about to get tranquilized by Lance
Making Friends and Influencing People
Face My Enemy
- Alphonso, acting as the driver for Coulson and May's op, showing off his Rolls Royce. Coulson knows what he's getting at.
Coulson: You're still not touching Lola.
- The team has seen some truly crazy things in their work. But nothing seems to weird them out more than chatty, laughing May.
Fitz: That's very alarming.
- And she does it so little that she complains her face hurts after a particularly hearty laugh.
- In fact, any scene with May in her persona is this, just for the sheer strangeness.
- Coulson getting ready to tip-toe through a Laser Hallway, only for May to roll her eyes and walk right through, setting off the alarm.
May: They already know we're here.
- Talbot begins ominiously walking towards May and Coulson. When May asks what's going on, Coulson theorizes that Talbot is pissed off at them for kidnapping him that time. Clark Gregg's delivery, like he's genuinely confused why someone could be holding a grudge over something so minor, nails it.
- The rest of the team's visible irritation over Hunter and Skye's flirting.
- Mack saying with utter seriousness that having to pretend to like quinoa for one of his girlfriends was "a pretty dark time in my life."
- When May is flirting with Soto at the party, Soto’s bodyguard gives a hearty eye roll.
- Lance claims he had an Interspecies Romance because his ex is a "demonic hellbeast".
- Even more Hilarious in Hindsight considering the "hellbeast" turns out to be Agent Bobbi "Mockingbird" Morse, who recommended him for his current job in the first place and is now his teammate!
- Also, Skye's response is "Hey, at least you got away from your ex. The guy I had a crush on is now the psycho living in our basement."
- Fitz's hallucination of Simmons gets annoyed at Fitz for refusing to talk to her. He responds in an irritated whisper that that's because it's embarrassing.
- The look on Bakshi's face when May gets loose and charges at him is hilarious.
- Fitz and Hunter briefly partnering up to repair the plane has some hilarious dialogue, starting with Hunter's realisation that Fitz chose him to work with because, of the five team members trapped on the plane, he was the only one with no useful skills in an engineering crisis other than that his hands work.
- Most of their dialogue can be summed up by Fitz shouting "Oh dear God don't touch that!" and Hunter following every small step of the procedure by asking in a hopeful tone whether the plane's repaired now.
- When Fitz is struggling to come up with the word "explode", Mack is about to chip in when the Bus helpfully provides a demonstration, right on cue. This repeats a couple of times as more systems shut down.
Fitz: Next it's going to... yeah, that.
- Coulson's reaction to the the May vs. Fake May fight.
"I can't believe I'm the only one seeing this right now."
A Hen In the Wolf House
A Fractured House
- Talbot says "aliens" at the beginning in the exact same way as a certain memetic individual.
- Coulson made some changes to Christian Ward's speech. It's funnier now.
- In the beginning of the episode, while Coulson is explaining the situation about the fake SHIELD attack on the U.N. to Skye and Triplett, he reaches for an item on top of some plates in a cupboard, which turns out to be a Grumpy Cat cup.
Coulson: Somebody bring this from home?
- When Bobbi confronts Hunter about his Psycho-Ex stories, he insists that he didn't badmouth her to the rest of Team Coulson and he certainly didn't call her a "hellbeast". It doesn't even sound like something he'd say!
- Hunter and May monitoring Bobbi while she's on mission. And May getting stuck listening to Hunter gripe.
Hunter: You think I'm being petty, don't you? Well, I'm not. I have no problem with Bobbi kissing that guy.
Hunter: Excuse me for doing my job thoroughly.
Hunter: And with style.
- Hunter goes in to rescue Bobbi after her cover is blown and provokes an arugument with her. Then they simultaneously shoot Toshiro—mid-argument—as he's trying to get up from the initial fight.
- Everyone has to make sure HYDRA's False Flag Operation wasn't actually them.
- Fitz spends several episodes convinced that Simmons will have a crush on Mack (having finally worked out her type), but when they actually meet they quickly make it clear they don't like each other.
The Writing On The Wall
The Things We Bury
- Coulson, Skye and Trip discussing the plan with the watch:
Skye: What is it?
Coulson: It's a watch. (Skye gives him a look) Deliver it to Cam, the owner of the Kahana Nui repair shop.
Skye: Got it. Anything else?
Coulson: If it starts to leak ANY fluids, drop it, run.
Skye: This does not sound like a watch.
Trip: Am I okay with this in my pocket?
Coulson: Depends. Do you want kids? (Trip quickly removes the button from his pocket)
- Along with the utterly mundane reason he needed Trip to pick up the tie — it was a gift from Audrey, he spilled something on it, and he wants it back now that it's clean.
- Coulson asks the Doctor if the Diviner is as powerful as the Tesseract. The Doctor immediately answers yes...then admits he doesn't actually know what the Tesseract is.
- In that same conversation:
- Morse and Hunter finally have a confrontation about the reasons for their marriage falling apart and why they are completely unable to have a trusting relationship. An argument which ends with the two of them stripping and diving into the back seat of an SUV.
- This comment on Fury's chessmaster skills:
Coulson: He could always see five steps ahead... which for a man with one eye is impressive.
- It's more awesome than funny, but Fitz's determination to beat the task Coulson's given him using only his bad hand results in some funny moments, like when Skye comforts him that he could assemble the transceiver in his sleep, and he replies that he could do it in his sleep, very well - the problem is, he's awake.
- When Fitz casually reveals that his failure to trim the procedure down to under six minutes was only using his bad hand, both his nonchalance and Coulson's expression of surprise are pretty priceless.
Ye Who Enter Here
What They Become
- One of the Koenigs explaining his brother's absence in terms that would imply he's an android.
Where's your brother been hiding? Koenig:
All the excitement fried his circuits. His cooling system kicked in and he's recharging his batteries. [beat] Tripp: I know what you're doing
- Bobbi shutting Hunter up at a sensitive moment by kissing him and still filching the address paper from her contact in Puerto Rico who's being followed by HYDRA agents.
- Hunter's response to Bobbi hiding a flash drive in her pocket as "something not involving us".
- Skye's father gets surprisingly Adorkable at times when they finally meet. He wanted to be prepared with almond cookies and flowers.
- Ward's response to Skye's father saying what he's going to do to Whitehall isn't something he wants her to see.
Ward: I don't mind seeing!
- Coulson's response to Skye's father after the former kills Whitehall before the latter gets his chance to exact his revenge.
Cal: What did you do!?
Coulson: ...You're welcome?
- Hunter's Casual Danger Dialogue.
- The look of complete shock on Ward's face after Skye shoots him in the back and leaves him wounded on the floor. Skye throwing a quip that he taught her Never turn your back on your enemy makes it even more darkly hilarious.
- Fitz assures Trip and Simmons that he can find his way around the city since he has a map... then immediately has to turn around because he went the wrong way.
- Ward mocks Agent 33: "I'm happy to comply."
- Coulson and May storming a building full of HYDRA agents by themselves.
Coulson: You know what we could use here?
May: Another fifty men?
Coulson: I was going to say a dozen, but I like your idea better.
- Cal's pitiful attempt to soften the blow of Raina's thorn-covered Inhuman form: "You always did love flowers."
- Cal's cheerful dancing when he learns that Skye/Daisy went through Terrigenesis and that he might have the opportunity to guide her through the change.
- Coulson's Large Ham performance as he and May fake their deaths.
May: "You'll never take us alive?" Really?
Coulson: Hey, give me a break, I only had a day to come up with this. If I had let you write the script, no one would have said anything.
- The scanner built out of an action figure of Coulson riding Lola.
Who You Really Are
One of Us
Love in the Time of HYDRA
- The Declassified online show are basically funny recaps hosted by Brett Erlich.
- The Girl in the Flower Dress recap has several funny moments.