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Fan Fic: Bag Enders
A giant eagle is not a mobility aid

And it came to pass that the Fellowship were granted immortality for they had saved middle earth; and so they went their separate ways...

But some fellowships were not meant to be broken...

History has become legend; legend has become myth and myth has become merchandising: A three-bedroom semi in a town in the north of England, 2001.

Can be read here.

Tropes featured include:

  • Anything That Moves: Merry and Pippin, especially during the "Random Slashy Interludes".
    • Gandalf to an extent.
  • Bawdy Song: Mention is made of Pippin singing the Hedgehog Song.
    • When Boromir first incarnates, he is singing "4 and 20 virgins went up to Minas Tirith...", which is a parody of the Ball of Kirriemuir, a song famous for having several million versions, twice as many verses, and all start with that line.
  • Comically Missing the Point: A shocked Legolas asks why Aragorn has become a Scoutmaster, unable to imagine anyone who's not a paedophile volunteering for the job, and darkly mutters "I've met Baden-Powell". Aragorn, impressed, asks if Legolas can come in and give a talk about Baden-Powell to the kids.
  • Cow Tools: The "long bent thing with sort of a knob on the end".
  • Cut His Heart Out with a Spoon: Aragorn threatens Frodo and Merry with being forced to "watch the entirety of Flipper. Twice."
  • Dead Fic
  • Dirty Old Man: Gandalf. Oh so much.
  • Dysfunction Junction
  • Elderly Immortal: Gandalf.
  • Everyone Has Lots of Sex: During the "Random Slashy Interludes".
  • Everyone Is Bi / Everyone Is Gay: Oddly enough, Sam is confirmed at least mostly-hetero even in the "Random Slashy Interludes", notwithstanding a drunken incident with Frodo. Frodo is usually "busy" with Merry and Pippin on the few occasions he's lucid enough. Gimli and Gandalf are not involved because of the authors' personal Squick feelings, but Aragorn and Legolas are technically married and both had at least vaguely slashy interactions with Boromir when his ghost possessed Legolas.
  • Evil Old Folks: Gandalf. Possibly Radagast.
    • Radagast is like Gandalf with a conscience, lack of desire to molest everything with breasts and pets.
    • He seems to have at least a passing interest in breasts, as it is mentioned he and Gandalf play pin the thong on the playboy centrefold and neither have an incentive for winning.
  • Fish Out of Temporal Water: Boromir.
  • Flanderization: See Alternate Character Interpretation.
  • Funetik Aksent: Particularly during "And The Sign Said 'Centre Parcs'", when Pippin claims to be the inventor of the Glaswegian dialect and speaks continually in it in order to annoy the others.
  • Homoerotic Dream: Aragorn has several about Boromir when drugged with Elven Aphrodisiac, much to his horror.
  • Kissing Cousins: During the Random Slashy Interludes, Merry and Pippin often resort to each other when they can't find anyone else, and sometimes include Frodo.
  • Mad Oracle: During the prequel episode set in Troy, Frodo has turned into one of these, and only says one coherent thing in the entire episode, mostly speaking in prophetic gibberish that only Sam seems to understand.
  • Noodle Incident: This fic's humor partly runs on hilarious Noodle Incidents. For example:
    To say that the Fellowship were enjoying their pasta al sei formaggio would be stretching the dictionary definition of 'enjoy' further than the elastic in Gandalf's underwear during The Accidental Bungee Jumping Incident.
  • Not Listening to Me, Are You?: Legolas ignores Aragorn's attempts to get his attention by claiming that he's pregnant and has sold the house to terrorists, but reacts when Aragorn claims Celeborn is coming to live with them.
    • Gandalf pretends to be deaf whenever someone i.e. Legolas, asks him awkward questions of the "Why are you keeping Jeremy Paxman as pet?" variety
  • Obligatory Swearing: FECK OFF!
  • Older than They Look: All of the Fellowship, being six thousand years old, but particularly the hobbits, who keep getting mistaken for preteens and managed to join the Boy Scouts without being questioned.
  • Only Sane Man: Legolas. Frodo in his more lucid moments.
  • Porn Stash: Pippin insists on keeping his in his mattress.
    • And he's had it so long, some of it's actually worth something!
  • Really Six Thousand Years Old: The whole Fellowship. (Except Legolas and Gandalf, who are over 9000.)
  • Scarily Competent Tracker: Aragorn, of course.
    Sam really wished he wouldn't do the stealthy ranger-of-the-north thing in the house, it really creeped him out, especially when Aragorn wore clothes to blend in with the wallpaper, and most worryingly they had never worked out how he managed to change his clothes between rooms.
  • Shell-Shocked Veteran: Most of 'em to one degree or another, but especially Frodo.
  • Shout-Out: Many. The situation owes something to The Young Ones, Gandalf's characterisation is mainly based on Father Ted, albeit more coherent, and there are several Discworld references.
  • Stoners Are Funny: Elladan and Elrohir. So very much.
  • Team Dad: Aragorn. And:
  • Team Mom: Legolas, of all people. Mostly because Elves have no sex drive, which leaves him with enough energy to look after the others.
  • The Thing That Would Not Leave: Gandalf. Less 'can't' look after himself, more 'won't'. Considering what he does to Aragorn's trousers, it is unsurprising that they don't try to evict him.
  • Troubled Fetal Position: Frodo during his attacks of "Post-Ringbearer Syndrome".
  • Violent Glaswegian: Pippin 'Huv ye got a PROBLEM with tha pal?!' Took.
  • Wholesome Crossdresser:
    • Legolas wears a pink fluffy bathrobe and an incredibly feminine 18th-century nightshirt. In the Random Slashy Interludes Merry and Frodo occasionally become "Estella and Lobelia, the North's biggest, smallest drag act", and Pippin (insofar as he can be called "wholesome" in this incarnation) ended up dressed as Pussy Galore.
    • When they go to Elrond's party, Merry and Frodo do a disturbingly good Abba. With gel filled bra's.
    • Gandalf goes as Anne Robinson, with a Crowning Moment of Funny when asked about this, replying, "Whoever said that Anne Robinson was a woman?"
  • Who Wants to Live Forever?: A mild comedic version, but if you were six thousand years old and stuck with a dysfunctional Fellowship, you'd probably not want immortality either.
The Awkward Adventures of Meghan WhimblesbyFanWorks/Tolkien's LegendariumThe Book Keeper

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