Joe Hawthorne
The protagonist of the game. At the start of the game, his family is low on cash and Bobby convinces Joe to commit crimes at work for money. Joe ends up getting fired by his boss Sydney for getting caught in "Pack Up Your Things". After this, Joe plans to do another scheme with Bobby to make up for the lost paycheck. Unfortunately for Joe, things don't go as planned with the mob involved...
- Affectionate Nickname: A minor example as Joe sometimes calls their spouse by sweet nicknames like "honey". Also for some weird reason, Joe always calls his child, "kid".
- Bar Brawl: According to Bobby, Joe gets into a lot of these.
- Establishing Character Moment: Joe is introduced having finished off another Bar Brawl. This introduces the player to the fighting mechanic and also shows that Joe usually gets into trouble.
- Family Man: The player can mold Joe into one or turn him into a distant father. Note that it's difficult to play this trope straight, considering how clingy the Hawthorne family is.
- Firing Day: The missions "Pack Up Your Things" and "Leave the Office" has Joe's boss Sydney fire him for doing crimes with Bobby. While Bobby gets off scott free, Joe ends up packing his bags and leaving. They even put a box on his desk with the words "FIRED" on it to make things clear. This is one of the catalysts for the plot, as it almost directly leads to Joe joining the mob.
Joe's spouse
Joe's spouse is whoever Joe chooses to talk to back at the bar. Any other character Joe doesn't choose may appear in Ridgeport as random villagers.
- Flat Character: Joe doesn't get many unique interactions with their spouse. This is despite being married to them.
- Hello, [Insert Name Here]: Often averted, as Joe doesn't usually say their name.
- Hypocrite: Asks Joe to take care of their family, but also expects Joe to be home most of the time.
- Lazy Bum: Downplayed. While they did sprain their wrist, that shouldn't exempt them from doing any chores at all. They could help Joe around the house at least a little or give their child a bedtime story, but the spouse is never seen doing any of that.
- Welcome to Corneria: Repeats their dialogue more often than any other character. This is especially apparent because they're part of Joe's family, meaning that Joe has to talk to them on a regular basis.
Joe's child
Joe's child, born near the beginning of the game.
- Ambiguous Gender: The player may let their child identify as neither binary gender if they so please.
- Hello, [Insert Name Here]: Averted. They're never called by the name the player gives them.
- In-Series Nickname: Is always called "kid" or "kiddo" by their parents, despite the fact that the game let you choose their name.
- Kiddie Kid: Seems to act younger than their age, and requires Joe to read them bedtime stories and tuck them into bed, despite appearing too old for such activities.
- Spoiled Brat: Very downplayed example. They often criticize Joe's stories and always want Joe to let them win at board games. Is also very needy, even for a child.
- Troubling Unchildlike Behavior: Downplayed. They sometimes question Joe about various awful things they've witnessed or heard of, including a dog that got run over. They didn't seem to care much about the dog, as every living creature is going to die anyways.
- Welcome to Corneria: Repeats their dialogue more often than any other character. This is especially apparent because they're part of Joe's family, meaning that Joe has to talk to them on a regular basis.
Bobby
Joe's best friend and Maggie's husband.
- Ambiguously Brown: It's unknown what Bobby's ethnicity is as his skin is only a dark tan.
- Asshole Victim: He's definitely not the nicest dude and usually gets Joe into trouble by roping him into crimes. This gets Joe fired from his job and later kills Bobby.
- Black Dude Dies First: Is the first character that Joe sees dead, as a result of his own gun no less. This is assuming that the ruffian Joe beat up at the bar wasn't dead first.
- Establishing Character Moment: Is introduced by Joe's side at the bar, not taking part in any fights. This establishes Bobby as Joe's best friend.
- Jerkass: Doesn't have many redeeming qualities, acts quite rude to his friends and various people, and is quite cynical of marriage. Unfortunately for him and his future wife, he gets married later on.
- Informed Ability: Apparently was known for his grand gestures, which is never actually shown in the game. Not helped by the fact that he's dead by the time this is said, and the only grand gesture he actually did was simple Sweetie Graffiti, which wasn't grand at all.
- Laser-Guided Karma: Usually gets into trouble through nefarious schemes with shady people. This ends up getting him in debt with the mob and winds up dead.
- Perma-Stubble: Always has one on his character and he's very unpleasant.
- Sweetie Graffiti: Carves out his wife's name and his own at one of the trees near the mayor's house.
Maggie
Bobby's wife. Will go looking for him after he goes missing.
Delroy
Someone Bobby met at the Gun Range, albeit they didn't know each other well. Apparently was rich and convinced Bobby to tweak the algorithms at work for money in the quest "Family Man".
Bruce
A man who is part of the mob.
Frames Joe for the murder of his best friend, Bobby.
Mayor Thomas
Mayor of Ridgeport. His giant house overlooks all the others.
- Greed: One of his first requests for Joe has the man excuse an old woman out of Ridgeport so that Mayor Thomas can build a fishing industry that will mostly profit himself.
- Good Hair, Evil Hair: Has a horseshoe moustache that doesn't make him look any more of a decent person.
- Mayor Pain: Cares more about himself and keeping his position than anyone else who gets in his way.
Candidate Jackson
A man competing with Thomas for mayor.
The Sheriff
The local sheriff for the town.
- Big Eater: Often asks Joe to deliver various meals to him, usually stored in the back of his trunk.
- Dirty Cop: Cements himself as one when he is found in a storage shed cooking up human meat.
- Foreshadowing: The sheriff usually asks Joe to give them food, possibly through unscrupulous methods. This foreshadows the sheriff's insatiable hunger, including for human meat.
- I'm a Humanitarian: Joe can walk in on the sheriff cooking up human meat, revealing the sheriff as a cannibal.
- Stewed Alive: Near the game's end, the sheriff can be seen possibly in a pot of stew, possibly after the player has killed them.
Burt
Joe's former employee. Will open up a small business in Ridgeport after Burt quits his job and can work as Joe's new boss for random tasks.
- Good Hair, Evil Hair: Is definitely one of the less nice characters, although he's not as evil as others. He's got a stubble with a handle bar moustache over it, a strange combination.
- Jerkass: Often acts like this towards Joe, for whatever reason. Burt gives no sympathy towards Joe when the latter loses his job.
- Laser-Guided Karma: Joe can induce this on Burt if he ruins Burt's sign overlooking Ridgeport, which Burt happened to spend every last penny on. Joe can later see Burt dirty and without a stall in the market, having lost everything.
Burger Boss
A man who works at the local Tasty Burger. Joe can take over his shifts here and will be paid accordingly.
- Jerkass: Will pay Joe to spit in the food. Also suggests that Joe steals from the cash register if needed.
- Spiteful Spit: Likes to do this to people's food.
Jason Junk
A man who will buy various junk from Joe that can be found around town. He can be a good source of money for the player.
Grace
An old woman who doesn't want to move out of her own, despite the mayor's insistence that she does.
Kyle
An old man who is quite lazy and is found near Fish N' Booze. His tasks usually deal with his mother and the chores she sends him to do.
Is implied to have killed off his mother by having Joe mix her pills with her alcohol.
- Lazy Bum: One of his most notable traits, which his mother often derides him for.
- Manchild: He's a fully grown adult and still has much trouble doing any work.
Lawrence
A banker who is obsessed with a girl named Sally, despite not knowing her at all. Often uses Joe to get information about Sally.
- Green-Eyed Monster: Gets jealous of Sally's boyfriend.
- If I Can't Have You…: Says this trope word for word when confronting Sally with his love at Lover's Lane. He ends up shooting her for rejecting him.
- Stalker with a Crush: His main trait, which makes life all the worse for Sally. However, he doesn't do much stalking for intel himself, instead he has the player do it for him.
- Yandere: An odd variation of one. Although he supposedly loves Sally, he often gets the player to do his dirty work for him, including killing off Sally's boyfriend.
Sally
An actress working part-time. She's the target of some unwanted affections.
Crossley
A scientist who hires Joe to kill off wild animals for research.
- For Science!: Says this trope word for word and uses it as the reason as to why he hires Joe to kill off all those animals and return their parts to him.
Star
A phone-obsessed girl who can often be seen on the beach. Calls Joe "bunny" on occasion.
- Attention Whore: Seems to be one as most of her tasks involve getting her famous on the internet.
- Dumb Blonde: Asks Joe to do plastic surgery on her to make her more beautiful. Keep in mind that Joe definitely does not have the years of experience needed for this task. However, as it turns out Joe actually performs surgery on Lucy Lane instead of Star.
- Green-Eyed Monster: Towards Lucy Lane, who is more famous than her.
- Jerkass: Is quite envious of the famous Lucy Lane and can possibly indirectly cause Lucy to undergo terrible surgery at the hands of an inexperienced surgeon Joe.
- Lack of Empathy: Has none for the people she screws over, including Lucy Lane.
- Totally Radical: Often uses slang like "fab" and "totes".
Lucy Lane
A famous girl on the internet.
Can undergo terrible plastic surgery in "Under the Knife".
Farmer Raynor
- Treasure Map: Receives one from his late father and has Joe follow the directions. Joe theorizes that his father gave that to Raynor to give Raynor one last adventure.
Jessie
Bessie
Man Bear
The last "animal" that you have to kill for Crossley in "Midnight Mystery".
- Walking Spoiler: The fact that this creature even exists is saying something.
