Part 1: Trial by JerkasseryWARNING: This liveblog will be rated R for language, references to unsavory moments, and all-around insanity and stuff that will scare the shit out of you. You have been warned.
From the batshit insane mind that brought you the livebloggings of Kickboxing Academy
, Power Rangers: Lightspeed Rescue
, A Light in the Forest: The Legend of Holly Boy
, Pooh's Adventures of Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie
, The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods
, and The Prayer Warriors: Battle With the Witches
comes...a liveblog of one of my favorite movies of all time.
No, seriously. This will be a mostly-positive liveblog because, dammit, the Prayer Warriors
series are sapping my will to be happy.
And what is my favorite film of all time? The 2002 psychological horror flick My Little Eye
Directed by Marc Evans, this film follows five people in a web reality show. Said show has them spend six months in a house with cameras following their every move 24/7. The prize once the six months are up and they succeed in staying? One million dollars. However, there's a catch: if anyone leaves the house, everyone loses. As the end draws near, the stakes are raised, and they find themselves fighting for survival...
And yes, it is as interesting as it sounds.
Let's get to know our Dramatis Personae before we move on, though. The five people, the main characters, are as follows...
- Danny, played by the lead singer of Tammany Hall NYC, Stephen O'Reilly. Presented as your typical shy-guy.
- Charlie, played by Cleopatra 2525 series star and Xena: Warrior Princess guest star Jennifer Sky. Presented as your typical vixen.
- Rex, played by one of the horror genre's favorite Chronically Killed Actors, Kris Lemche. And like 99% of Lemche's roles, Rex is the typical jerkass with not a lot of goodness. And popular for God knows what reason.
- Emma, played by Laura Regan, she of They, Mad Men, Dead Silence, and other horror films' fame. Your kinda-typical "good girl" with some...bitchy moments.
- OH MY GOD IT'S CARTER GRAYSON—ahem. Matt, played by Rika Liveblogs' favorite gushing target and star of Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue, Sean Cw Johnson. Like the role that made him famous, Matt is the leader-type, an All American Face, adorkable, and very fucking awesome.
The singer of an indie band famous for, among other things, this
, Cleo, Ian McKinley, Jennifer Crane, and Carter Grayson are in this reality show.
THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST DAMN CROSSOVER EVER! :D And so much for the whole "completely unknown actors" thing, if 80% of the actors' roles before this is of any indication.
Anyway...it should be noted that this is not on YouTube
. It can be downloaded onto the Internet if you know where to look. Or, like yours truly, you can find it in video stores. So no links unless if you have a copy of the video beforehand.
And now...the movie begins.
The movie starts off with the logos appearing whilst the sound of dial-up occurs. With the impression of them as if they're displayed on a computer. A nice feel that sets the tone for the rest of the film.
Then we get to someone accessing the Web. From there, we see an advertisement.
"5 contestants for REALITY WEBCAST"
"Spend 6 months in a house for $1 MILLION"
"If anyone leaves, everyone loses!"
"R U the perfect housemate?"
I don't know about you guys, but if it just shows that information and nothing else, I wouldn't take it. Call it an Idiot Plot
or a play on how we, as people, can do anything for a million dollars, if you will.
Of course, if no one did such a plot, we wouldn't have a possibility of an awesome crossover, no?
So the logo's clicked, and the title shows up. And we meet our Dramatis Personae for the first time. Emma,
Matt (dammit!), Danny, Charlie, and Rex introduce themselves and talk about stuff like why they want to be in the competition and why they're a good housemate. Because of this, we get some insight on what they're like as characters. Rex claims to be a people-person and wants the million dollars, Charlie wants to be famous, Matt wants to be in the competition for the challenge, etc.
After that, we get to see what happened to them in the first several months they were in. They did leisurely things. Lots of them. And yes, we do get to see a few characters...let's just say that they weren't kidding with the whole "being watched 24/7 for six months" thing. When it reaches the end, we see them in their final weeks. Talk about cutting to In Medias Res
They sit around, talking about what they miss. Matt misses the ocean, Rex misses his social worker June, Charlie misses shopping until Emma tells her that after next week, they'll get new stuff, and...Emma misses something that we all can agree with: intelligent conversation. Why? Because in this day and age, we usually do get these fame-wanting-and-whoring, so-dumb-that-a-rock-is-smarter people in reality shows.
Danny misses his grandfather, which is understandable. But then Rex mockingly says, "Oh, grandpa!" Wow. A few minutes in, and I already hate the guy's guts. Remind me why this guy's liked?
And no, "OMG BECAUSE HE'S PLAYED BY KRIS!" does not count at all. Lemche is capable of playing non-jerkasses; just look at, say, Cute Boy God or Sam! They have decent bones in their bodies. Also, I have nothing against the actor. It bugs me that 99% of the time, even through no fault of his own, he's cast as jerkasses and fans love his characters.
Sorry for the Author Tract.
After Danny mentions that he'll spend time with his grandfather after this, Matt states that he also misses his friends, but he would like to think he made new ones. Suddenly, the lights come on, and Danny thinks that there's a coyote out. Turns out there's nothing, as Charlie tells the group after saying that she hates the house.
We get some nice night-cam stuff as we see the men asleep—ooh, Carter in a tank top! This fangirl greatly appreciates it—(slap!) Ow.
Emma is out of her bed, talking to Charlie. At first, we don't make out what they're saying, but it's later revealed that they're talking about someone. Emma prefers intimate moments to be just that, but here's the problem. Whoever the ladies are talking about, he's intense all the time.
If they're talking about Matt, of course he is! He didn't nearly go to Hell to save the world for nothing—dammit, wrong fucking canon.
Charlie thinks that he's so desperate, he might screw a hole in the wall. Ow. Anyway, they laugh, and we won't know who they're exactly talking about, because cut to the next day!
We have our first on-screen problem. The heat is broken, and Rex thinks, after examining it, that "they" were the ones who shut it off. Who are "they"? It'll be revealed later. However, Charlie thinks that it's nothing, it possibly just broke down by itself!
The group wonders what they can do, and they can thank God that they have Carter—no, no!—anyway, Matt suggests starting a fire. The problem? There's no dried firewood outside. But hey, at least there's old stuff that they can chop up!
...and by "they", I mean the men.
Cut to the attic, and the guys try to find suitable stuff for a fire. Rex finds some old dolls, saying that Mommy and Daddy likes to put the kiddies in the cupboard.
Matt wonders what kind of parent would do that, and Rex replies that they, whoever they are, must have been talking about his stepfather. He pulls the string on the guy doll, and it talks.
Danny muses on how he always wanted a talking one, and...oh, God. Long story short, Rex pretends to have the dolls be Matt and Emma in one of the most twisted Shipper on Deck
moments I've ever seen. He has the dolls make love.
Matt, rightfully so
, I may add, tells Rex to grow the hell up. But of course the jerkass doesn't listen, even going so far as to tell him to not give him the "nice guy bullshit" and...yes...Matt doesn't have...that particular male member.
Show of hands, who wants to see Matt punch Rex in the face or non-lethally blast the jerkass—dammit, Lightspeed Rescue, get out of my head!
Danny, the "nice guy", says that speaking of small...yes, those...Charlie talked to Emma. Matt notices the guy being amused and asks him what the fuck he's laughing at.
Poor Matt. It's almost like he's a target to be mocked at. And yes, this is the first time Carter said the word "fuck". Jarring at first, but I got used to it.
Cut to Rex hiding something in his room, using a floor to hide...whatever it is in. Don't worry, this will be relevant later. Hell, pretty much everything will be relevant later on. He mentions, as he rejoins the group, that he never heard so many owls.
But hey, as soon as they will head back to civilization after the show, Rex thinks that they'll get mobbed! Well, the mob would, well, mob those who will give a damn, dude.
Emma thinks that they may have to go into hiding, but Charlie thinks that they might get stalkers. Um...
Matt adds his own two cents by stating that the number-one cause of most stalkings is forgetfulness, i.e., people forgetting to close their curtains. Which, sadly, is Truth in Television.
Hey, kids, it's storytime! Hopefully Matt would have a story in which it'll change the subject—
Matt: "I read about this one lady who used to walk around inside her house at night, buck naked, lights on, curtains wide open. She was always forgetting to close them because her property overlooked some woods. No one out there, right? Only, there was. This stalker guy just watching those bright, welcoming windows every night.
"Well, he started to think she didn't shut 'em because she wanted to see him in—she was inviting him into her life. So he started this whole fantasy relationship with her, all built out of little things, you know, like when she'd hang her laundry out. That was like a love token, an offering."
To summarize the rest of the tale, the stalker first became a Panty Thief
, made more fantasies, and he broke in one night. However, in his perspective, he meets a stranger who's just playing hard to get when, in reality, she wants him out. It all ends on a downer with the stalker raping her and strangling her to keep her from screaming.
...that was a creepy story. Thanks for sharing.
The really sad thing is that it can happen, anytime, anywhere. Preparation against this sort of thing is key, and just because you're living alone and/or in a nice city/town, it doesn't mean that it won't happen to you. So it's always a good idea to keep the house locked down.
Anyway, Charlie realizes that she's all on display, but Rex states that they're always like that, given the nature of the program. Matt reassures them, though, to not worry, as strangers rarely kill other strangers. They're more likely to be killed by someone they know, which is also, sadly, another Truth in Television thing.
And Emma knows a boy who killed his parents with a hammer, beating them to death. At this point, this is just disturbing, but the film succeeds in that. To make us feel disturbed, fearing. How each character deals with his or her own fears and the whole Paranoia Fuel
thing going on. Because of that, it's a solid psychological horror film, and all the more interesting.
As Emma begins to reveal the boy's identity, a thump is heard. Matt thinks that it's just the wind, but in reality, in a basement where Danny is working on...something, a door's not closed.
Later that night, as the group tries to fall asleep, there's a noise. They gather outside a bedroom—ooh, shirtless Carter!—and head up to the attic. From there, they see a crow. It flaps around, and Danny states that crows can scent death; therefore, it's a bad omen to have them in a house.
Foreshadowing, thy name is My Little Eye.
The crow's wing breaks when it lands, and what does Danny do with it? Snap its neck. Because he thinks that it's the kindest thing to do. I'll chalk that up to not knowing how to nurse a broken wing.
Rex shows up and wonders what was going on, and the girls head to bed. Matt tells him that they had a visitor, shining a light on the dead crow. As Danny thinks that the bird was trapped, Rex admits that he can relate to that. And so, the men head back to their rooms.
The next day, Danny finds a package and delivers it to the group. Yes, Rex, Emma, and Charlie are watching The Breakfast Club
, and yes, Matt's playing indoor golf. (Yes, golfing is one of Sean's favorite hobbies. At this point, as awesome as the movie is, one can't help but think that it is like a Real Person Fic
After giving the package to the group, they open it up, and they find bricks and a letter. Matt thinks that it isn't funny, as they need supplies, and Rex thinks that they—"they" being The Company (and no, it isn't related to the same company of the same name from Heroes
)—are tightening the screws.
By the way? The note's for Danny. When he reads it, he's crushed, because his grandfather died.
And for more "ouch" factor, Danny's actor's grandfather really did die during filming. This is too much of an eerie coincidence.
Cut to the kitchen. Rex reads the letter, and it says that the funeral will take place in two days in Florida. He speculates, in his assholish way, that he won't make it to the curfew, and that they have to convince him that, in his own best interests, he should stay.
Why? Because at this point, they are this close, this close
, to getting the million dollars!
Wow. Just...wow. Rex is the one huge negative in an otherwise-awesome film. Because of the "It's All About Me
", jerkass player archetype who's here for one reason only: the money, because this is a competition. Likely (and hopefully) done intentionally.
Anyway, Mr. Jerkass thinks that he doesn't know if the letter's real or not; Emma thinks that only a twisted mind would come up with that. He goes on and on by thinking that, likely, The Company is just messing with them. And because they think that Danny's the weakest link, if they break him, they'll break the group dynamic. The Company, to the jerkass extraordinaire, doesn't want to pay them and actually make it.
...ugh. When will this pain with him end?
Rex and Emma argue some more, the latter accusing the former of not having any feelings. Which is the understatement of the century. Again, remind me why he's liked?
Eventually, they come to a decision: hold an alternate memorial service in the yard, and Emma should be the one who tells him. Because she would do it best, and he likes her best. After she leaves, Matt, pretty much one of the few rational thinkers here, says that they should let him go. After all, there are some things that are more important than money.
...then Rex answers back with a nasty retort. You don't want to know what that is. Except that you probably want him to shut the hell up.
Thankfully, Matt comes back with an awesome retort of his own.
Matt: "Hey, man, fuck you! Doesn't family mean anything to you?"
Thanks, Matt, I needed that. :D
That line was so awesome that I pretty much decided to root for him at this point, if I didn't root for him already. Because not only does he have a damn good point, but to hear Carter fucking Grayson (and, in extention, the Nice Guy
actor who played him and Matt) telling someone to fuck off makes me smile...especially
if the receiver deserves it!
And we finish the installment with Rex replying that one doesn't miss what one never had. I guess he never heard of the term "like family to me". Which shows how cynical he is, and, again, it is annoying.
So ends Part 1. What else will the group survive through? Will Danny decide to stay? Will Rex stop being a jerkass? And how much more awesome can Matt be?
Emergency Signal! Find out next time on the liveblogging of My Little Eye!