Chuck Austen Meets Chick Tracts: The Fanfic--Rika Liveblogs The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods
Part 3: Preparation of the Battle Without Logic or Humanity
Last time, on the liveblogging of The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods
, lots of tracts were stated, and lots of anvils were dropped repeatedly. And there were lots of copypasting going on. And lots of demonization, and oh, yeah, more deaths.
And I would like to note that I'm a Catholic, myself. Even I find the story disgusting beyond words. It's taking your average, holier-than-thou person who believes in their faith and everyone else is doing it wrong, dammit, only slap some more anvils than necessary and gore.
Let's continue on with...
We get a long author's note, and I should note that from this point on, the story has so many grammatical and spelling errors that it can be nigh-impossible to understand what the hell is going on. It's kind of like My Immortal
, only that fic was funny
. But I'll try my best.
Part 1 of the note states that the writer is going by his real name, Thomas Brown, and even though he's still living within Christ, he's decided to go separate. Why? He has stuff to do, like still trying to make us believe in the holy name. Well...good luck with that, dude. You're making yourself even more of a raging, fanatical loony.
Part 2 states simply that he is not a Belieber
, and he doesn't know what the hell it is. I would state on how he doesn't know what a Belieber is, but then again, this is the same guy who glanced over Nirvana and Green Day and thought, "OMG they're evil! They should go to Hell!" And as much as I don't really care for Justin Bieber, myself, if I had a choice of reading more of this guy's stories and listening to his music, I would take the latter.
Part 3 has him state again that Harry Potter and Percy Jackson are evil. And guess what? So are The Golden Compass
and the fucking Narnia
series. Um...Critical Research Failure much? The latter two are Christian works. Written and made by Christians. With such allegories.
EDIT: Apparentally, The Golden Compass is actually an anti-religious tract. My apologies.
Part 4, to summarize, has him state that he's not a troll. And states the literal meaning of what a troll is. What an Idiot
! If him being bold and placing his real name whilst being flamed within an inch of his life doesn't show how idiotic he is, then this
takes the cake.
Part 5 has him speak in Latin with this set of words: "Ego vere fidelis in cuniculis." By the way, I looked it up on Google Translate, and I'm not sure if it's accurate or not, but it means "I truly faithful in rabbits."
(laughs hysterically for five minutes)
Also? We no longer have the passages used in the story. Just figured I would mention that.
Anyway, the story begins with Percy and the devil speaking...in England
. Um...why the hell did they set up base in England when it was clearly stated in the story that they were taking over America? Wouldn't they stay there, the fact that they were in America in the canon books be damned? Okay, it's said that in England, they allow Satanic people to walk among us. Uh...what.
Stan (as I'll call him from now on, considering how many fucking times the name was misspelt) thinks about an order he can give to Percy Jackson, now named Percy Judas.
...ah, damn. Judas! Jud-a-a-as! Judas! Jud-a-a-as!
Thanks for having that infernal song stuck in my head, fanfic.
Percy asks Stan about what he can do, as he had the Dark Lord in a bad mood because, you guessed it, Percy didn't kill Jerry. The answer? Kill him again, or Stan will kill Percy.
Judas Jackson: "I will serve you for always as omg you live."
(snickers) Slip-up in new name aside, I just had to snicker at "omg" being used in place of "long as".
Oh, and we do
get an explanation for how Jerry knew about the traitor. God warned him in his sleep
the night before the attack. But the question is, why did she betray him? And who was this Thalia? If the story introduced her in the first chapter and explored her character, it would make for a compelling mini-arc! Sadly, continuity errors and plot holes are its biggest strengths that isn't an anvilicious approach.
So Stan tells Percy to kill, or instead, he'll sacrifice Grover (again, who knows if he'll die for good?) and make the young man wish that he would have killed Jerry. And he also selected a traitor, not revealing the identity of it, but he knows of one codeword: "Deus mortuus", which means "God of the dead." Which is...actually correct, all things considered.
(gasp) Could it be that it can take a turn for the better?! Nah, I'm just kidding myself.
Oh, and the traitor? He's a guy now. Make up your mind, story!
The chapter ends with Percy leaving to kill Jerry and finding the traitor. And the author's notes at the end has the writer apologizing to God for writing it.
The sad thing? This was actually one of the more tolerable chapters. Because we're not beaten over the heads with how Christianity is awesome. Because there isn't a speck of Jerry being a crazed sociopath, so much that it would leave even the best profilers disgusted.
But, sadly, this is not to last.
The Author's Notes for this chapter states, first of all, what Thomas believes what a troll is.
"I know what a troll is. I looed it up on Conservapedia (God bless that holy website), which is fare more reliable than the liberal Wikipedia. A troll is a creature, not someone that has two identity. If you are going by me having two names, BelieverInChrist (God bless that holy website) and Thomas Finn Brown, than yes, I am a troll. But I see no proof that a troll is what you say it is, and I believe Conservapedia more."
So apparentally, a troll, according to him, is a creature...and yet, he then goes on to state that since he has two names...he is a troll. But at the same time, he is...not.
What the fuck?
I will say this, I gotta love the copypasting of "(God bless that holy website)" for both Conservapedia and his own Fanfiction.net pen name.
Really shows his high opinion of himself.
Part 2 has him state that he's a true Christian.
"And I am a true Christian. I am mot mocking it. I am being brutally honest. People must suffer painful deaths before they are rewarded with the treasures of heathen. Us Christian will suffer many playful deaths, but they will not be in vain, for wee will destroy all the nonbeleivbers. And I will also like to say, atheist feel nothing. They are being controlled by the devil so it is not sinful to get rid of them."
...so Christians get the fun deaths that will not be in vain
...and this is where High Octane Nightmare Fuel kicks in. This guy is determined to kill the non-believers, and he claims that Atheists aren't human and, thus, feel nothing
, so it's okay to kill them, too. Newsflash, Thomas Brown: Atheists are as human as the rest of us! Everyone is human!
I'm really thinking that this guy is not human at all. He isn't a troll, that's for sure, but...one frightening human being. All because he's playing all those things painfully straight.
We begin this chapter with Jerry teaching Mary once more. This time...it's about how a woman must behave. Why? Because at the ripe young age of 15
, they decide to get married.
Why? Why get married so soon? Did you guys date during childhood
Anyway, Jerry also tells her about how a woman must follow her man, even to the grave. Yikes.
And her hair must be plaited up, because the way she has it now (which isn't described, but I'll assume that it's let down by the story's logic) offends God and Jesus.
What do you want to bet that his attitude towards his wife would be of the Stay in the Kitchen
On Sunday, the two decide to get married. The writer then takes his own sweet time to mention that they're wearing white, for black is frowned upon because it's an evil color and offensive to
? And no, I'm not making a reference to a certain webcomic. Because not only do I not share the same interests, it would also be too easy.
Also, why else did they decide to get married on Sunday? Because God would totally bless them tenfold. As if they weren't blessed enough.
Seriously, shouldn't God be totally disappointed with how these...these...fucking assholes
are acting, how they're killing in his name?
And we get another Author Tract
courtesy of Jerry—sorry, I mean "Joey".
Jerry Joey: "Bow to false gods like Percy Jug has done and you will surely bun in heath, for it is an offensive to God. They actually give good to their false gods, which is really offensive, such as to Zeus who married a whore Artimis. And although they claim to fight against the so called evil god (they are all evil, so don't worried about that) Hades, even if Zeus son Poseidon disagrees with that. How can we accept such a lie like as truth. I will not. The Bible is fare more simple, stating the you must believe in God or you burn in hell, how simple is that? The Bible is the most beliebable, simple, and convincing book ever. No matter how much J K Rowling can lie, he will never get a book better than the Bible, not matter how many people like his Books Hairy Potter and Percy Jackson, whos book is based on him. The Bible is truth, there is not doubt about that."
Okay, first off, what the hell is up with the constant POV-shifts? Seriously, it's leaping from third-person to first-person and then back again. Secondly, "Percy Jug"? First, the constant shifts from "Percy Jackson" to "Percy Judas" (even after his name change!), and now...pick a name! Third, Zeus and Artemis aren't married.
It's Zeus and Hera
. If you want to get your facts straight, actually do homework. Oh, and by the way? Poseidon is not Zeus' son. He's his brother.
...and, fourth off? J.K. Rowling is not
a man. She's a woman. She did not create the Percy Jackson
series. I suppose Rowling is also responsible for all other evil
media, like Nirvana, Green Day, and fucking Pokemon. (Don't worry, Pokemon isn't mentioned in the story, I'm referencing the many times soccer moms declared it to be evil.)
You, sir, are a huge fail upon all other Christians. Ned Flanders would be ashamed of your attitude. Even, likely, the holier-than-thou folks would get tired of your bullshit. We are taught to one love another, not dislike or even hate
people because of their race, religion, or gender. You aren't human...but comparing you to anything else would be an insult to, well, anything else. Hell, even comparing you to Chuck Austen and Jack Chick, for all of their
faults (and, yes, they have their fair share) is an insult to them. What are you? You're not a true Christian. You...are...nothing.
Sorry for my own Author Tract
, but dammit, Some Anvils Need to be Dropped.
And what happens to the group after he says his speech? They fucking applaud him!
They applaud his speech because it was awesome to them. Fuck you, Insta-Convert.
Suddenly, Grover shows up and announced that they should convert to the Greek Gods. And he...does an evil laugh. But Jerry responds by grabbing his head, breaking it somehow, stabbing him in the heart, and pulling his eyes out! Jeeze, man, overkill much? Then again, I guess, considering that Grover was revived for...some reason, it's to be sure he's dead.
Still rather gruesome, though.
Then Percy Jackson/Judas/Jug/Hanson (insert MMMBop
reference here) attacks Jerry for...no reason at all (dude, you had a reason!), but our "hero" grabs the "villain" by the throat. Percy disappears once more. Well...that was...pointless.
After Jerry decides to make Percy suffer the next time they meet, he and Mary finish up the marriage stuff and head to bed. And, you guessed it, they screwed.
Okay, okay, the story doesn't actually say that, but the author said that he won't describe what happened, lest if some Atheist reads it and gets an orgasm—excuse me, "organism".
...wait, what? So they grab a living being for whatever reason while reading a sex scene or something they find sexy to them?
After fun sexy times, Mary tries to tell Jerry not to go and fight Percy, but he already made up his mind. He's going to kill Percy or die trying, dammit, in the name of God. And so the chapter ends with him going out the next day to finally
Oh, and by the way? Don't hold your breath. We still have fourteen more fucking chapters
left to go. And it'll only get even worse.
Will Jerry kill Percy Jackson? Will the Prayer Warriors realize how much of an insane nutjob Jerry is? And will God decide to finally strike those assholes down for degrading him?
Awaken that soul on the next liveblogging of The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods!