HOLY CRAP YOU GUYS
THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER
VICTORY IS SO CLOSE I CAN TASTE IT
Aaaand we're back to our regularly-scheduled means of liveblogging.
Alex and company are ridin' on back home, and he muses on how he doesn't wish the adventure would eeeend (le sigh). Me, I'm all too ready for it to be over. According to him, the whole ordeal too "just over a year and a half." Buddy, if you say so. It's all a Spratumminer blur to me. (I would also like to note it could have been much shorter if you didn't stop to creep all over the elves for so long.)
Dwarfbeard (who, again, oddly plans on retiring after this) says the adventure's never truly over, especially not for him—he gets to go see Whale Shanker and (drumroll please) learn to be a real wizard!
Yes, folks, now he will not only be able to summon and put out fires and make Deus ex Machina potions, but he and his bad freakish dwarelfman-hybrid self will become even more stupidly overpowered! And Whale Shanker will be his tutor! Beauty.
They have to split up as their last days in The Nation Formerly Known as Pure Eviltopia come to and end, but it's alright, because they're all sure to meet again some day! Group hug gaiz!
They pass back through the gate that isn't a gate, and fwoom! They're back in The Hub known as Telous. It looks exaaaactly the same as when they left it!
...More and more, I begin to wonder about this world. So not only is time stopped for you in your world, but also in any other worlds that you pass through? When does time move forward? If you have a friend who lives on one side of a gate and you live on the other, do you age forward rapidly while they don't? And when did Tayo's deceased wife have time to die while he was away if time stops through gates, and you always go through one to an adventure? Gaaah... It's all one big, Schroedingerian mess. It doesn't quite call for a Thing about Fantasy
, but it does give me a hell of a headache.
Alex and Andy want to go see the bag maker. Alex needs a new room to hold his somewhat ill-gotten gains (even though the treasure room is explicitly explained as expanding to fit your goods, so I'm not sure exactly why) and because he'd like to give back those other bags.
Once he gets to the bag maker's, though, he basically turns his bag into a house: One bed, one bath, an ice room, and a library.
At this point, the book has pretty much forgotten every single thing it said in our introduction to magic bags and is now choking on its own vomit. Alex has just more or less converted his bag into a trailer, despite "OMG NEVER STAY IN YOUR BAG LONG GAIZ TOTES NOT SAFE" jibbering from Andy early on. The idea of a bathroom sort of stretches my disbelief a little, too. Magic or no, where does the water come from? And while I like the idea of an on-road, private, safe toilet, where does the waste go? Is it one of those incindiary models?
The bags get returned. The bagmaker spends a lot of time looking for the heir's names, which might be sort of an interesting digression if it weren't for the fact that we're told absolutely nothing about them and the bagmaker bumbling about wasn't all just more padding.
Time for one last Genericly Godly Breakfast with all the gang before Alex splits! Savor your last minutes in his awe-inspiring radiance and glory!
Over the meal, Olaf explains that he's dividing the final, "expenses" share evenly among everyone—with a mocking nod to Alex's strange desire to share money with his friends. Double classy.
Alex also goes to the Widows and Orphans fund to make a donation (oh, those poooooor females), but hopes it's not more than Olaf Leaderson's, because—all together now, everyone—it'd be an insult. The people of this world have the thinnest skins in the world when it comes to finances. Mix in their bizarre ideas about honor and debt, and I'm pretty sure I will never be lending money to a Pure Eviltopian.
Everyone meets for one last Generic Godlike Dinner (I guess lunch wasn't interesting enough for us) and we even get an extra-special farewell to Tayo, who rides off, cackling in a way that would make Scald—and the Wicked Witch of the West—proud. He, along with the aforementioned Scald and Andy, vanish into the sunset.
But the last-est goodbyes are not yet said! Olaf, Dwarfbeard, and Arconn are comin' back with Alex to do some business! Olaf needs to fork over some dough, and Arconn and Dwarfy need to update everyone's "files." Big Brother is keeping records on you! Aaaaall of you!
B-b-but... What about Shahree?!
But even that's looke after, as apparently the Golden Swan inn also has a Pony Hotel where she'll be looked after, and waiting for Alex when he inevitably goes on his next journey.
He puts her up in the stables for one last teary, huggy, nuzzly farewell with his now sad-sad oh so very sad gloom mope horsey.
...And IIIIIIiiiIIIII... will always... love yoooooouu...! Will always... love yoooooou...!
But we still get one more gratuitious breakfast before we can cart Alex's sorry hide home. We eat that, they head out into the field, and poof! They're through Mr. Clutter's magic door.
Wondering what happened to Dwarfaxe Jr., AKA Halfdan, in the interim? Scald, Andy, and Tayo got that big wish-off and Olaf, Arconn, and Dwarfbeard go with Alex, so... what about him? Keep wondering. He goes to wait at the Golden Swan, and... that's it, really. He's so generic, even the author wants to get him out of the denouement as quickly as possible.
Ho ho ho. You're such a commedian. But, nonetheless, he got the Geeb that Dwarfbeard sent him, and a letter arrived for Alex just that morning from Whale Shank—
—Wait a minute; hang on!
Time doesn't pass when you're on an adventure, right? We saw that in Telous, didn't we? But... time... seems to have passed in his shop? The shop that is ostentiably on Earth? But they were away! Adventure rules! But the—if the letter... that morning... ahead of time!... but...
SNAKE! YOU'VE CREATED A TIME PARADOX!
—No! I am too close to the end now! I will survive! I gotta get through this and all that!
But Alex opens up the letter from his master-to-be. (...Hmmm. I wonder if Alex's relationship with this guy will be as creepy as every other one he's had so far? My money's on "yes.") While Whale acknowledges Alex's probable desire to have a new adventure, he insists that Alex goes home to his stepfather right away.
Apparently, according to Dwarfbeard, "Whalen sometimes acts oddly." This is promising. I bet he's our designated "quirky" character in the sequel. Seeing inept authors try to pull off "quirky" is always good for a laugh.
Mr. Clutter tells Alex to go change his clothes, since he currently looks like a Link ripoff. Alex complies, and notices in the mirror that he's got his old haircut back, and he's shorter! Ah, the wonders of Narnia Time. He stuffs everything in the magic bag, and puts some Earthy clothes on.
He looks different. He looks... character developed. Or at least what passes for Character Development in this world. Time for Arconn and Dwarfbeard to get whisked out of the story for now too, as Alex steps outside.
Golly-gee-gosh! Won't it be a hum-dinger to see Mr. Roberts his stepfather and stepbrother Todd after so long! Willikers!
Todd meets him at the back door. And apologizes for breaking the glasses. Awww. It's nice to see this book acknowledge at least one genuinely assholish action as such.
Todd also takes notice of the bag, and starts fiddling with it. Alex has by now returned to his usual state of docileness and makes no move to stop him.
But! Somebody else do-oes!
...Holy crap, could this be an actual... twist?
Todd gets sent to the kitchen. He's got the lily-livered soul of a no-good woman-type, deep down.
Holy crap, it is an actual twist! Color me shocked! I actually didn't see this coming.
After being Scary Mc Boomvoice, though, looking at Todd and Alex sternly, Mr. Roberts laughs suddenly. I imagine he's from the same country as Scald—what was that, again? Norsland? Or was it Hyenatopia? Mr. Roberts, though, unlocks a closet and pulls out a pair of magic bags.
An honest-to-god Secret Legacy! Used... semi-not-bad for once! We may actually end on a high note!
Mr. Roberts exposits. He and Alex's dad were both adventurers. Lamarck Was Right, because although Roberts was OK, Alex's dad was as much a magnet for outrageous praise as his son. But he picked up a bad case of Soap Opera Disease during one adventure, and croaked after coming home. But Mr. Roberts had been friends with both, so he agreed to pretend to be Alex's stepfather, even though his mom loved his dad too much to marry again.
And he pretended to be his stepfather because... er... because...? Because? ...Single mothers don't exist? Family friends and Honorary Uncles are horrible people and shouldn't exist? Heaven forbid we have a wimmin without a mayun close by?
...Still, this was their... odd little deception, anyway. At least the reason for his mother not telling him all this stuff is pretty sound (sounder than the usual "I wanted to proteeect you!" nonsense most secret-keepers use): She didn't want him to get his hopes up, in case he wasn't an adventurer. Insert usual comment about how could he not be, he's Alex the miracle boy, you know the drill by now. Todd doesn't know for the same reason. However, since he is the son of Crappy McFailsalot, his chances are considerably worse.
Roberts hands over Alex's dad's bag. Even more unearned treasure for Alex! Still, the torch has been passed. And he'll get those passwords soon enough. Soon enough to discover what lies within.
Given that "Sueishness" is apparently genetic, I agree that it might be. I agree it might be.
And yes, gentle readers, that wraps it up for now. Stay tuned, though! We've still got plenty more content to come, such as the Reading Guide, a complex analysis of this book as a whole, and thoughts on how to fix it! Yes, it's a whirlwind of bonus features!
Aside from a bit of Fridge Logic here and there, I have to say that that as far as endings go, this one wasn't too bad. The twist was actually kind of neat and reasonably unexpected. It was still mediocre, but at least it's not as ripe for snark as the rest of it.
...Although, I think I enjoyed snarking on the bad bits more than I did reading the kind of competent bits, since at least in the bad stuff, it's amazing to see how much exactly goes wrong.
...Which... means... that...
...By having an OK and not entirely horrible ending, this book delivers one final Groin Attack to me by not even being bad enough to make fun of all the way through.
...
...
...
...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
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