History Recap / GameOfThronesS2E4GardenOfBones

* FandomNod:
** The "who would beat who" conversation at the beginning of the episode is a common discussion topic amongst fans.
** The discussion of how to pronounce Qarth is something that has been discussed by fans, amongst other pronunciation questions.

And again we're at '''the Stormlands''', and the brothers Renly and Stannis Baratheon treat, with Catelyn Stark in tow. Renly shows his DeadpanSnarker side as he barrages his brother, who has arrived with his fire priestess Melisandre and Davos Seaworth. "You should kneel before your brother," Melisandre says. "He's the [[TheMessiah Lord's chosen]]. Born amidst salt and smoke," Renly replies: "Born amidst salt and smoke... is he a ham?" and Stannis continues to be unimpressed and irritated. Catelyn Stark attempts to remind them that they've a common enemy and are brothers, and Stannis confronts her for approaching Renly when Ned Stark supported his own claim. "The Iron Throne is mine, by right. All those that deny that are my foes," Stannis says. But Renly is adamant that the "whole realm denies it," from Dorne to the Wall, and from the death rattles of old men and unborn children. "No one wants you for their king," Renly says. Stannis offers his brother one last night to submit. "Strike your banners, come to me before dawn and I will grant you your old seat in the council. I'll even name you my heir. Until a son is born to me. Otherwise I shall destroy you," Renly doesn't look afraid. He reminds him of the hundred thousand strong army behind him, the combined force of the Stormlands' houses loyal to him and the massive conglomeration of the Reach. "We shall see Renly. come the dawn, we shall see," is Stannis' reply. Melisandre tells Renly Baratheon to "Look to your sins, Lord Renly. The night is dark and full of terrors," and Stannis' contingent leaves. "Can you believe I loved him once?" says Renly.

* BrutalHonesty: Renly is usually snarky with Littlefinger, but in "Garden of Bones," he is sick of beating around the bush, as their banter no longer amuses him.

The episode begins with a scene at Oxcross in '''the Westerlands''', introducing us to [[RedShirtArmy two Lannister soldiers]], who live just long enough to [[ToiletHumour make fart jokes]], talk about one of the men's raging mancrush on Ser Loras Tyrell ("He's prettier than most women.") and to let us know that just about all of Westeros know about [[HoYay Renly and Loras's dirty little secret]] - and then as the fat soldier unlaces his breeches to take a piss, [[BigBadassWolf DIREWOLF]]. Robb Stark listens to the screams as Grey Wind rips apart the unsuspecting guards...then [[BadassArmy his men]] [[BattleCry scream for him]], and they [[FoeTossingCharge charge into battle...]]

** Joffrey has Sansa stripped and beaten in payback for Robb's latest victory, then after his uncle stops his fun forces Roz to savagely beat another prostitute and orders them to report to Tyrion afterwards to let them know what he's done.

* StealthInsult: In "Garden of Bones," King Renly knows very well the kind of self-serving person Littlefinger is, and is disgusted by it.

* ActuallyPrettyFunny: Melisandre tries her best to hide her annoyed amusement after Renly makes fun of her "Born amidst salt and smoke" prophecy by calling Stannis a ham. She turns her head away quickly (a sign of defeat, as she is unable come up with a clever retort), and her facial expression pretty much says, "Well, he's got me there; that was a good joke, I have to admit."

* ActuallyPrettyFunny: Melisandre tries her best to hide her annoyed amusement after King Renly makes fun of her "Born amidst salt and smoke" prophecy. She turns her head away quickly (a sign of defeat, as she is unable come up with a clever retort), and her facial expression pretty much says, "Well, he's got me there; that was a good joke, I have to admit."

* ActuallyPrettyFunny: Melisandre tries her best to hide her annoyed amusement after King Renly makes fun of her "Born amidst salt and smoke" prophecy. She turns her head away quickly (a sign of defeat, as she is unable come up with a clever retort), and her facial expression reads, "Well, he's got me there; that was a good joke, I have to admit."

The episode begins with a scene at Oxcross in '''the Westerlands''', introducing us to [[RedShirtArmy two Lannister guards]], who live just long enough to [[ToiletHumour make fart jokes]], talk about one of the guard's raging mancrush on Ser Loras ("He's prettier than most women.") and to let us know that just about all of Westeros know [[HoYay Renly and Loras's dirty little secret]] - and then as the fat bannerman unlaces his breeches to take a piss, [[BigBadassWolf DIREWOLF]]. Robb Stark listens to the screams as Grey Wind butchers the unsuspecting guards... [[BadassArmy his men]] [[BattleCry scream for him]], and they [[FoeTossingCharge charge...]]

...and cut to the next day, and the aftermath.

The Lannister host has [[CurbStompBattle been crushed by the Northern army]], and we're introduced to [[TokenEvilTeammate Roose Bolton]] of the [[NamesToRunAwayFromReallyFast Dreadfort]]. "Five Lannisters dead for every one of ours," he says as we're treated to a whole slew of brutalized Lannister bannermen. Lord Bolton informs the King in the North of their logistical problems; too many prisoners, and barely enough food to feed their own troops. He believes their highborn captives will be of use, "privy to Tywin Lannister's plans," but Robb thinks otherwise. Lord Bolton enthuses about his family's practice of [[FlayedAlive flaying men]]-- "A naked man has few secrets; a flayed man none," and Robb is vehement that the southern prisoners should not be tortured, and his father "outlawed flaying in the North". But Roose returns coldly that that [[LoopholeAbuse "We're not in the north"]], and that the "High road is pretty, but you've a hard time marching your army down it." Robb explains that the Lannisters hold his sisters, and he does not want to give them any excuse to abuse them. Bolton relents, with a resigned nod.

* EvenTheGuysWantHim: Two common Lannister soldiers believe that Ser Loras is prettier than Queen Cersei--and she's considered to be most beautiful woman in the Seven Kingdoms.

** Stannis's decision to confront Renly and convince him to give up/join his brother before either of them attacks the capital is basically the cliff notes version of what happens in the novel. [[hottip:In the books,: it was Renly who confronted Stannis, to break his siege of Storm's End (the seat of House Baratheon and the current location of Edric Storm, Robert's only acknowledged bastard). Stannis wanted to take Storm's End both out of spite at the Baratheon lords' decision to support Renly over him and in order to use Edric to help him prove that Joffrey isn't Robert's son. Leaving all of this unmentioned does save us a lot of exposition, at least.]]

** A particularly horrible kind involving a rat and a hot bucket.[[hottip:*:The bucket is held open-end against the chest, the bottom heated by torch, with the rat clawing through the victim's chest to avoid the heat]] Such a torture [[TruthInTelevision has been used in]] RealLife.

* IsThatAThreat: I'm sure Meryn is very grateful to Tyrion for clearing up the difference between "educating" and "threatening".

* CrowningMomentOfHeartwarming: Tyrion offering his hand to Sansa.

* FunnyBackgroundEvent: Loras is laughing merrily after Renly makes his ham joke, but as soon as Catelyn starts talking, the Knight of Flowers becomes annoyed and sighs heavily.

* MemeticSexGod: The two lowborn Lannister soldiers consider Loras to be prettier than the Queen.

And we're back at Essos! Daenerys' rather pitiful looking band arrives at the gates of '''Qarth''', and the Free City's austere-looking Guard and masters come to confront them. The Thirteen, a ruling council made up of merchants, are unwilling to welcome her into the city, despite having invited her to come, and none of Daenerys' bluster makes much impact on them... save Xaro Xhoan Daxos, a Summer Islander who decides to vouchsafe their passage with his own honor. And this is after Dany has made the grave ''faux pas'' of calling The Greatest City There Ever Was Or Will Be (TM) "Kwarth," instead of "Carth" as it ought to, so evidently this "Zaro Zohan Ducksauce" fellow sees something useful in our Targaryen barbarian. (There is an epic DeadpanSnarker and PassiveAggressiveKombat match between him and the other members of the Thirteen.)

The episode begins with a scene at Oxcross in '''the Riverlands''', introducing us to [[RedShirtArmy two Lannister guards]], who live just long enough to [[ToiletHumour make fart jokes]], talk about one of the guard's raging mancrush on Ser Loras ("He's prettier than most women.") and to let us know that just about all of Westeros know [[HoYay Renly and Loras's dirty little secret]] - and then as the fat bannerman unlaces his breeches to take a piss, [[BigBadassWolf DIREWOLF]]. Robb Stark listens to the screams as Grey Wind butchers the unsuspecting guards... [[BadassArmy his men]] [[BattleCry scream for him]], and they [[FoeTossingCharge charge...]]

The episode begins with a scene at Oxcross, introducing us to [[RedShirtArmy two Lannister guards]], who live just long enough to [[ToiletHumour make fart jokes]], talk about one of the guard's raging mancrush on Ser Loras ("He's prettier than most women.") and to let us know that just about all of Westeros know [[HoYay Renly and Loras's dirty little secret]] - and then as the fat bannerman unlaces his breeches to take a piss, [[BigBadassWolf DIREWOLF]]. Robb Stark listens to the screams as Grey Wind butchers the unsuspecting guards... [[BadassArmy his men]] [[BattleCry scream for him]], and they [[FoeTossingCharge charge...]]

And then we return to King's Landing. Joffrey, the charming lad he is has a massive crossbow propped over his shoulder, aimed at poor Sansa Stark. "You're here to answer for your brother's latest treasons," he sneers, no doubt referring to the CurbStompBattle aftermath we'd just seen. Sansa pleads for mercy, as she had nothing to do with it. Lancel Lannister -- remember him? He was King Robert's squire and was [[KissingCousins '''with''' Queen Cersei in Season 1!]] He reports that the Northern army savaged the noble Lannister host at Oxcross, [[ImAHumanitarian feasting on the dead after the slaughter was over]], much to the horror of the ladies and nobles of the court. Joffrey ponders killing his betrothed right there and then, but "my mother insists on keeping you alive." So he just gets his loyal Kingsguard, Ser Meryn Trant to beat her up (again), ripping her dress as well (the scene in the book was worse). Just as Trant's about to bring his unsheathed sword down upon her, it's [[BigDamnHeroes Tyrion and Bronn to the rescue!]]. [[CrowningMomentOfAwesome The halfman schools his reproachable nephew, and Bronn puts Trant in his place]]. Sansa's saved, but when Tyrion tries to console her she retains her [[StepfordSmiler courtly demeanor, insisting once more that she's loyal to King Joffrey, her one true love]]. Tyrion, seeing through the rather blatant guise remarks that Lady Stark might survive them yet.

We're back now at Renly Baratheon's camp in the Stormlands. And an unexpected guest awaits him. "If it isn't my favourite whoremonger," Renly quips as we see Littlefinger waiting outside his tent. "Pray I haven't kept you waiting for long," he says. They talk, and Renly knows all too well of Littlefinger's serving of the Lannisters. "I don't like you Lord Baelish. I don't like the words that come oozing out of your mouth. I don't want you in my tent one minute more than necessary, so tell me. Why are you here? You can trust Brienne. Her loyalty comes without charge," Renly states his intent, and his massive army... Littlefinger as usual is out for himself. "I did not come today seeking your affection. When you march on King's Landing... you may find yourself facing a protracted siege... or open gates," he says. That sly Petyr Baelish is ready to switch sides whenever, isn't he. Later, we see Littlefinger speak with Margaery Tyrell, and they have a subtle [[PassiveAggressiveKombat exchange]], with Littlefinger very aware of Margaery not sharing a tent with her betrothed, and her brother's... visits to the king's own tent. But she's not having any of his intimidation attempts, and catches Lord Baelish off guard with her already knowing of Renly and Loras' affair, and that she doesn't really seem to care. She blows him off easily.

We finally return to Daenerys Targaryen's journey in the Red Waste! Her host is ragged, parched, and tired... but her scout Kovarro returns with a new horse and gifts, from the resplendent city of Qarth. "Will they let us in?" she asks. "They said that they would be honored to receive the Mother of Dragons," he replies enthusiastically. She asks her old bear, Jorah Mormont what he knows of Qarth. "Only that the desert around their walls is called the [[TitleDrop Garden of Bones]]... every time the Qartheen shut their gates on a traveler, the garden grows..."

And we cut to Arya Stark with Hot Pie and Gendry. They approach Harrenhal, and it's a foreboding, mucky looking place -- its fortifications look as if they've been weathered and sloughed off. "What kind of fire melts stone?" asks Gendry. "Dragonfire," she replies. "There's dragons here?" Hot Pie asks meekly. Gendry replies that they're all dead. The fat boy asks what the smell is. "Dead people", Arya says simply. Hot Pie quails and a Lannister guardsman shoves them to the side. We see listless prisoners watching as [[ScreamDiscretionShot people are tortured]] [[GoryDiscretionShot horribly]]... one of the prisoners, an old lady remarks dully of the deaths of all of her family in the days past... the screams they heard just then were her son's. "They take someone every day," Gendry says. It's pissing rain in the next scene, and the roughed up prisoners are attempting to sleep. Arya whispers a long series of names... Joffrey, Cersei, Ilyn Payne to name a few. Just like [[BadAss Yoren]] did, as we learned in the last episode.

We're back in the Stormlands, and Catelyn Stark receives Littlefinger. And boy, does she not look happy. She knows how he betrayed her husband in the throne room, resulting in his death. "How dare you," and Littlefinger attempts to justify his actions. "You betrayed Ned," she says. "I trusted you. My husband trusted you. And you repaid our faith with treachery," Littlefinger tries to appeal to her, and it's clear he still has the hots for her. In his opinion, they're StarCrossedLovers: "I've loved you since I was a boy! It seems to me that fate has given us this chance t--" he's cut short as Catelyn pulls a knife on him, advancing upon him with an iron look in her eyes. She screams at him to get out. "Do you want to see your girls again? Sansa, more beautiful than ever? And Arya, just as wild as ever?" Littlefinger says. "You have Arya too?" Catelyn says, exasperated. "Both girls, healthy and safe. For now. But you know the queen. And you know Joffrey. I fear for their longevity if they remain in the capital." Catelyn drops her blade, quivering as she relents. "What do you want?" Littlefinger states the Lannister intent to trade Jaime Lannister for the Stark girls, but Catelyn's already aware of that. "You think Robb will agree to those terms?!" she says. But Littlefinger says he's not bringing the terms to Robb, he's bringing the terms to her. On Catelyn's angry retort that she does not keep secrets from her son, Baelish asks her to reconsider as [[TheStrategist Robb's skill on the field]] may not give her another chance. He presents Tyrion Lannister's gift of good faith... Catelyn turns, freezes... asks what he's brought. As she approaches she knows all too well: it's the bones of her late husband. She allows herself a faint smile, tears brimming in her eyes before commanding him to leave.

We return to Harrenhal, and Arya's awoken by the angry shouts of Lannister soldiers. They're "questioning" prisoners now. The Mountain, the hulk of a man runs an eye over the prisoners personally. They pick a random boy... and proceed to question him. We see Hot Pie's breeches expanding rapidly as he watches. They tie him down, place a bucket over his chest with a rat inside while moving a torch ever closer to it. "Where is the brotherhood?" one of them asks. The frightened prisoner repeats that he doesn't know, and the exchange continues until the rat begins digging into his chest and he gives in. "You've been very helpful," says the questioner, and they leave the torch to burn away the bucket as the frightened rat tears into the poor guy. We get another ScreamDiscretionShot. It cuts to Arya sleeping again still reciting her list of people, and when she watches the same old woman feebly request one of the Lannisters -- "Polliver" for bread, he brutally silences her. So Arya adds Polliver and the Mountain's names to her ever-growing list...

And again we're at the Stormlands, and the brothers Renly and Stannis Baratheon treat, with Catelyn Stark in tow. Renly shows his DeadpanSnarker side as he barrages his brother, who has arrived with his fire priestess Melisandre and Davos Seaworth. "You should kneel before your brother," Melisandre says. "He's the [[TheMessiah Lord's chosen]]. Born amidst salt and smoke," Renly replies: "Born amidst salt and smoke... is he a ham?" and Stannis continues to be unimpressed and irritated. Catelyn Stark attempts to remind them that they've a common enemy and are brothers, and Stannis confronts her for approaching Renly when Ned Stark supported his own claim. "The Iron Throne is mine, by right. All those that deny that are my foes," Stannis says. But Renly is adamant that the "whole realm denies it," from Dorne to the Wall, and from the death rattles of old men and unborn children. "No one wants you for their king," Renly says. Stannis offers his brother one last night to submit. "Strike your banners, come to me before dawn and I will grant you your old seat in the council. I'll even name you my heir. Until a son is born to me. Otherwise I shall destroy you," Renly doesn't look afraid. He reminds him of the hundred thousand strong army behind him, the combined force of the Stormlands' houses loyal to him and the massive conglomeration of the Reach. "We shall see Renly. come the dawn, we shall see," is Stannis' reply. Melisandre tells Renly Baratheon to "Look to your sins, Lord Renly. The night is dark and full of terrors," and Stannis' contingent leaves. "Can you believe I loved him once?" says Renly.

And we're back at Essos! Daenerys' rather pitiful looking band arrives at the gates of Qarth, and the Free City's austere-looking Guard and masters come to confront them. The Thirteen, a ruling council made up of merchants, are unwilling to welcome her into the city, despite having invited her to come, and none of Daenerys' bluster makes much impact on them... save Xaro Xhoan Daxos, a Summer Islander who decides to vouchsafe their passage with his own honor. And this is after Dany has made the grave ''faux pas'' of calling The Greatest City There Ever Was Or Will Be (TM) "Kwarth," instead of "Carth" as it ought to, so evidently this "Zaro Zohan Ducksauce" fellow sees something useful in our Targaryen barbarian. (There is an epic DeadpanSnarker and PassiveAggressiveKombat match between him and the other members of the Thirteen.)

Over in Harrenhal, Gendry has been selected for tickling. His savior is the least-likely person imaginable: Lord Tywin Lannister, who rides in and immediately demands why The Mountain is wasting a labor pool. He also notices on first glance that "Arry" is actually a girl. He requisitions her to be his cupbearer and releases the rest of The Mountain's prisoners. Lord Tywin, not typically known for his sense of humor, is able to get in a few DeadpanSnarker moments of his own; he seems to consider himself SurroundedByIdiots and is not afraid to show it. It pays to be the richest man in the Seven Kingdoms, one supposes.

Tyrion is paid a late-night visit by his cousin, Lancel "More Wine Your Grace" Lannister. He's been knighted since Robert Baratheon's death, possibly for being brave enough to fuck Cersei, and the confidence from in the sword in his hand ''and'' the sword twixt his legs has made him rather big for his britches. Tyrion [[CurbStompBattle plays him like a harp]], getting him into the room with a cup of wine and then asking just how Lord Tywin's orders to Lancel, to obey the queen in everything, somehow transmuted into his becoming her bedwarmer. And what's going to happen when Joffrey finds out? Lancel crumbles, and Tyrion converts him into a spy, leaving him positioned under the queen for that purpose. Lancel is ushered out of Tyrion's chambers looking shell-shocked.

For our last scene we find ourselves somewhere in the stormlands, aboard a Baratheon ship: it's got a stag figurehead at the prow, and it's also got Ser Davos and King Stannis aboard. Stannis asks about the little leather pouch the Onion Knight wears at his neck, and is surprised to discver that it has the remains of Davos's fingers, which Stannis chopped off. Davos keeps them for luck, and to remind himself that all that he is--smuggler and knight both--he owes to Stannis. Stannis charges him to return to his smuggler ways: he needs to bring Melisandre, the red priestess, into Shipbreaker Bay.

* NightmareFuel: Particularly high in this one.

* SceneryGorn: The wide shot of the massive melted towers of Harrenhal (the largest castle in the Seven Kingdoms and said to be haunted) as Arya and Gendry's band are brought in as prisoners.