History Quotes / ToodumbToLive

--> ''UsefulNotes/WorldWarI - WebAnimation/{{Oversimplified}}''

->"YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT HAVING SEX ''[[SkewedPriorities NOW]]''?!! Okay, you know what? You all need to die! Not because of [[KickTheDog what you did to Marty]], mind you, but because the law of natural selection ''[[DeathBySex demands it]]''!"

->''"In this area of Austria-Hungary (Sarajevo) lived some Serbs and Bosnians who hated living in Austria-Hungary. So the Austro-Hungarian Archduke Franz Ferdinand goes there for a nice drive in an open-top car, with his car's route published in advance.\\
[Newspaper shown: "7 Essential Tips For Assassinating Word Leaders! You won't believe number 3!"]\\
And that went just as well as you'd expect."''

->''The Qartheeni managed a sad smile. "The life of Glarus Glyn Glesai is full of woe and betrayal, oh worthy khal. For example, one might think people hiring a man because of his ability to bloodily murder men in public so that an example can be made would naturally realize that the fee, no matter how high, is still lower than what will receive by not paying it. And yet on four separate occasions in my life one would be wrong."''

-->-- '''[[UndeadAbomination Aeron]]''', after one of the [[RedShirt Royal Guards]] insults both Princess [[PhysicalGod Luna]] and [[PersonOfMassDestruction himself]]. [[https://www.fimfiction.net/story/309393/11/evergreen-heart/chapter-11-phd-in-clueless Evergreen Heart]]

->''Tanaka wasn’t ever the type to play fair. If he could screw you over to get a dollar, he’d do every time. Word is he [[MuggingTheMonster tried that on Mastermind]]. Held a gun to his head to get the plans for free. He should’ve just paid. You don’t mess with Mastermind.''

-> I wish to blow up! I mean get big. ''([[JackassGenie explodes]])''

''[A giant robotic claw silently descends from the ceiling behind Tim. Letterbot 5000 snaps his fingers and it impales Tim through the chest and drags him screaming into a hole in the ceiling.]]''

->''The fire was stupid. Putting Vila on guard duty was suicidal. What's the matter? Staying alive become too complicated for you?''

'''Peter Griffin:''' Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to [[InferredHolocaust put his whole family at serious risk]].

-->-- '''[[UndeadAbomination Aeron]]''', after one of the [[RedShirt Royal Guards]] insults both [[BadassPrincess Princess]] [[PhysicalGod Luna]] and [[PersonOfMassDestruction himself]]. [[https://www.fimfiction.net/story/309393/11/evergreen-heart/chapter-11-phd-in-clueless Evergreen Heart]]

->'''Appsro:''' You know what I think did it? I picked up a little fish and I shot that little fish into my base.\\
'''Neebs:''' [[WhatWereYouThinking Why would you do that?!]]\\
'''Appsro:''' Because it's a little fish! I wouldn't expect a little damn fish to completely damage the hull of my base!\\
'''Neebs:''' It's a Propulsion Cannon!\\
'''Appsro:''' ''I KNOW!'' But it's a little fish!\\
'''Neebs:''' It's got the word "Propulsion" in it!\\
'''Appsro:''' Yeah, but the fish should hit the damn base and just explode! [[RealityIsUnrealistic The base is made of, like, metal and fuckin' alloy! The fish is, like, an organic thing! It should just burst!]]\\
'''Neebs:''' When there's a tornado, like, a piece of straw can go through a barn.\\
'''Appsro:''' Yes, but, I mean, it's not shooting it that fast.\\
'''Neebs:''' ''It's a Propulsion Cannon!''\\
'''Appsro:''' ''YEAH, BUT IT DOESN'T SHOOT IT THAT FAST!!!''
-->--''WebVideo/NeebsGaming'', ''Videogame/{{Subnautica}} #9''

-->-- '''Noah "[[WebVideo/TheSpoonyExperiment The Spoony One"]] Antwiler,''' on ''VideoGame/{{FinalFantasyXIII}}''

-->-- ''Machinima/FreemansMind'', Episode 1

-> ''"I've been under orders from the Guild to train up some youngsters. I thought it was high time they take on a [[CluckingFunny Yian]] [[WarmupBoss Kut-Ku,]] so I put out the request and what do I find? They went for a [[FeatheredFiend Yian]] ''[[FeatheredFiend Garuga]]'' instead. They're idiots, but I can't leave 'em be. Help out, eh?"''

-->-- '''Q''', ''VideoGame/StarTrekBorg'', if you attempt to [[WhatTheHellPlayer link the Borg circuit]] [[WhatAnIdiot to the ship's computer]]

'''Appsro:''' Yeah, but the fish should just hit the damn base and just explode! [[RealityIsUnrealistic The base is made of, like, metal and fuckin' alloy! The fish is, like, an organic thing! It should just burst!]]\\

->'''Will:''' So there Robin was, disguised, puzzle box in hand, surrounded by enemies and what did he do?
->'''Alan:''' [[PressXToDie Pulled the bell rope in the Abbott's room.]]
->'''Much:''' [[WhatTheHellPlayer Whatever could've possessed him?]]
->'''Tuck:''' There are people who simply do what shouldn't be done.
->'''Alan:''' Well, let that be a lesson to them.

->I tried, you know. Lord knows I tried. But there's just no helping you people. It's like you crave death. But not just any death, nooooooo! You fuckers seem to have some kind of pool going to see who can end their existence in the dumbest, most avoidable way possible. And you just keep one-upping each other! Do you know how many of you have died screaming LeeroyJenkins? More than zero! Which, as far as I'm concerned, is grounds for exterminating the species!

-->-- '''Kyle Brofloski''', ''WesternAnimation/SouthPark''

->''You charge us with your safekeeping, yet despite our best efforts, your countries wage wars, you toxify your earth, and pursue ever more imaginative means of self-destruction. You cannot be trusted with your own survival.''

-->-- '''Gunnery Sergeant Hartman''', to the face of [[spoiler:a psychotic, gun-toting Pyle who promptly shoots him]], ''Film/FullMetalJacket''

-->-- '''Alice Cullen''' to '''Bella Swan''', ''[[{{Literature/Twilight}} New Moon]]''

->''I clean my knives in a crossbow. Some people say it's foolish... I put them in the hoover and set it on blow and just shoot water at them around the kitchen, as I sit with a plug — bare-wired... at my feet... '''PEEING ON IT!''' All to get a better clean.''
-->-- '''Phil Jupitus''' on ''Series/{{QI}}'' after hearing about the fatal accidents involving dishwasher users impaling themselves on the cutlery basket because they put all the knives in pointing up — all to get a better clean.

->''But... they have the preservation instinct of'' a herd of lemmings!

->''"I'm just a dope who died in a safe with a snorkel... [{{Beat}}] Who's only now realizing why that didn't work!"''

->'''Frank Castle:''' They died from terminal stupidity.

He brings Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan before Boss Nass, but he gets arrested and they say it's time to get executed. If it wasn't for Qui-Gon saying, 'This animal has a life debt with me, I should take him with me.' — you know, if Qui-Gon just ''didn't'' do that — they've would've executed Jar-Jar. So, really, Jar-Jar would probably be more motivated to '''not''' take them there... 'I can take you to the Naboo City, just follow me! Let's, uh, let's go ''this'' way; The way that's the ''farthest possible'' away from the Gungan City. Let's go that way.'\\\

->This man was safe... ''until now''. He hasn't bothered to get the plug changed. From now on, he's in deadly danger. If the earth wire slips out, he won't notice, [[HighVoltageDeath but as soon as it touches the]] ''[[HighVoltageDeath live wire]]''...

-->-- '''Startup messages''' in ''VideoGame/PokemonGO''

->'''Pearl:''' My strategy for this stage is: [[LeeroyJenkins rush to the stage and look freshhhhh...]]\\
'''Marina:''' [[LampshadeHanging I need to find new teammates...]]

'''Marina:''' [[CallBack That's because your strategy is to rush to the mic and look fresh...]]

-> ''Are you really trying to paint the entire ocean with your hammer? How are you still alive?!''
-> ''[if Mario keeps attempting to paint the ocean] Perhaps I didn't make myself clear earlier...'' '''KNOCK IT OFF!'''

-> ''Our Beloved Captain was, as the zailors say, a Person who did not merely Court Disaster. Our Beloved Captain made eyes at Disaster. Needed to be Chaperoned around Disaster. Took Disaster to the Altar and Married It.''

->'''PlayerCharacter''': I'm skipping [the ship] myself.\\
'''ADA''': I wouldn't advise that, captain.\\
'''Player Character''': [[IdiotHero [Dumb]]] [[SuicidalOverconfidence Stand back, ADA. I know numbers real good.]]\\
'''ADA''': Well, I literally *can't* dispute that. Please would the daily ship log note that I defer to the captain, against my better judgment. I am programmed not to ignore an order, after all.\\
'''HOPE''': ADA, does your captain seriously intend to do a micro jump in-system with engines that haven't been powered in seventy years? On a derelict ship?\\
'''ADA''': That is what my captain intends, yes.\\
'''HOPE''': [[{{Understatement}} But that is a gross misuse of the skip drive.]] The Zero Point Drives corp and I will not be held responsible for any damage incurred during transport...[[ThisIsGonnaSuck and this will cause extreme damage.]]\\
'''ADA''': Yes, I am aware of that.\\
'''HOPE''': [[MyGodYouAreSerious You should not be doing this. The humans will die. These calculations don't look right.]] [[EpicFail Why is this number negative?]]\\
'''ADA''': Thank you, HOPE. It looks like all systems are a go. Captain, I would advise you to hold onto something - now.

'''Lindesfarne:''' Because... I'm an insectivore.\\

-->-- ''[[https://www.reddit.com/r/Xcom/comments/ltt4do/bruh_guide_sectopod2015/ Sectopod Bruh Guide]]'', referring to VideoGame/XCOMEnemyUnknown

'''Boy:''' DRAIN CLEANER?! What's that?\\

->Harry is such a chump he somehow manages to fall into a small pool of mercury – if I were Tom I would have headed back to the ship and confirmed his death while I had the chance...his own suit is compromised to keep trying to save his idiotic friend. Let them both die, the show won't lose anything.

->"YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT HAVING SEX ''[[SkewedPriorities NOW]]''?!! Okay, you know what? You all need to die! Not because of [[KickTheDog what you did to Marty]], mind you, but because the law of natural selection ''demands it''!"

'''Link:''' But... isn't that how fireproof suits work? You know, by camouflaging me from the flames?\\

->Front door, closet... front door, closet... closet.

-->--'''{{Website/SFDebris}}''' on ''Series/StarTrekDeepSpaceNine'', "Past Tense Pt. 2"

'''Gordon:''' Ha! Wow... Man, how dumb would you have to ''be''? I mean, they're not gonna say something like that unless somebody's already tried to ''do'' it, right? [[AlcoholInducedIdiocy I guess if I was]] ''[[AlcoholInducedIdiocy drunk]]'' [[AlcoholInducedIdiocy enough]], I might climb out the window here and pull some hang time on the electrified tram rail.

->Now, behold! The terrifying abyss that is the Dead Zone! For banishing me before, you shall suffer that same gruesome fate forever, and... Wait. Did I...? I just did it again, didn't I?! I literally just did the exact same thing that got me an L last time! What am I doing?! This is exactly what my therapist told me not to do!

-> '''Donkey Kong''': Hey, look! Hawaiian Punch!
-> '''Diddy Kong''': Put that back RIGHT NOW! You know Cranky's a freak. Who knows what kind of weird shit he keeps in his fri-[Donkey Kong begins drinking the potion] Aaand there you go. Why. Why do I even bother?

->'''Appsro''': You know what I think did it? I picked up a little fish and I shot that little fish into my base.\\
'''Neebs''': Why would you do that?!\\
'''Appsro''': Because it's a little fish! I wouldn't expect a little damn fish to completely damage the hull of my base!\\
'''Neebs''': It's a Propulsion Cannon!\\
'''Appsro''': ''I KNOW!'' But it's a little fish!\\
'''Neebs''': It's got the word "Propulsion" in it!\\
'''Appsro''': Yeah, but the fish should just hit the damn base and just explode! The base is made of, like, metal and fuckin' alloy! The fish is, like, an organic thing! It should just burst!\\
'''Neebs''': When there's a tornado, like, a piece of straw can go through a barn.\\
'''Appsro''': Yes, but, I mean, it's not shooting it that fast.\\
'''Neebs''': ''It's a Propulsion Cannon!''\\
'''Appsro''': ''YEAH, BUT IT DOESN'T SHOOT IT THAT FAST!!!''

->'''Meatwad:''' ([[MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext holding a scorpion]]): I'll eat it... if you eat it.\\
'''Shake:''' All right, deal! Wait a minute... how are you gonna eat it after I eat it?\\
'''Meatwad:''' Look, you eat it, then I go back in time to before the time that you eat it, then I'll eat it. [[note]]They actually do have a time machine in this episode, but it's pretty clear that Meatwad's lying.[[/note]]\\

-> I wish to blow up! I mean get big. ''(explodes)''

->'''Pizza Twin #1:''' Dude, I like... cannot drive and beat your high score at the same time.

->'''Sprig''': ''(looking in a [[WoodChipperOfDoom wood chipper]])'' Ooh, that looks fun.\\
'''Anne''': '''[[OhCrap SPRIG, NO!]]''' ''(immediately yanks him away)''

->'''Sprig''': ''(looking in a woodchipper)'' Ooh, that looks fun.\\