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Quotes: Too Dumb to Live

Fiction

"You're dumb, the song, now die
You're dead, because, you're dumb
Oh wait, you're still, alive
You're still, no dumb, the less"

"I light my filter, then reverse it
And burn a mouth that's weak on verbs
And nouns and nouns
But I'm not sore
Everybody's stupid, that's for sure"
Sparks, "Everybody's Stupid"

"I am too stupid to LIVE!"
Rebecca Howe, Cheers

"Duuuh. You died because you were dumb."

Meatwad: (holding a scorpion): I'll eat it... if you eat it.
Shake: All right, deal! Wait a minute... how are you gonna eat it after I eat it?
Meatwad: Look, you eat it, then I go back in time to before the time that you eat it, then I'll eat it. note 
Shake: Okay.
(later)
Frylock: What's wrong with Shake?
Meatwad: Oh, he's dead. Dumbass ate a scorpion.

"Thoth sprang up, blood mounting darkly to his face, while his eyes flamed with the stunned fury of a man who suddenly realizes the full depths of a fool's swinish stupidity."
Robert E. Howard, "The Phoenix On The Sword," as Thoth-Amon realizes that Dion has his lost Ring of Power and doesn't even know it.

"I suppose from a creative standpoint, some characters deserve to die. Ones that lack common sense or even basic survival instinct."
Abed, Community

Evil Monk: Brother, quickly, bring some rocks! There's an intruder below!

Zeke: The average human lifespan is seventy years.
Embla: I see.
Zeke: Heh. Except Ethan. If you run the data, his life expectancy comes out to negative forty years.

"He does so have to shoot me now! I demand that you shoot me now!"
Daffy Duck, Rabbit Seasoning

"Okay guys it looks like you have everything you need so I'm gonna go to bed now! Alone! Naked! And with the door unlocked! Bye!"

"Let's just say that if complete and utter chaos was lightning, he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards'."
Rincewind on Twoflower, The Colour of Magic

"Murder was in fact a fairly uncommon event in Ankh-Morpork, but there were a lot of suicides. Walking in the night-time alleyways of the Shades was suicide. Asking for a short beer in a dwarf bar was suicide. Saying 'Got rocks in your head?' to a troll was suicide. You could commit suicide very easily, if you weren't careful."

Brian Griffin: Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter Griffin: Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at serious risk.

Freakazoid: Dumb, dumb, dumb! Never tell the villain how to trap you in a cage!
Gutierrez: You probably shouldn't have helped us build it, either.
Freakazoid: I know! Dumb!

Fry: Wait. I know where we can get beeswax. From those giant space bees that nearly killed us, and we swore we'd never go back there.
Farnsworth: Let's go back there!

Poor Ned Stark. Brave man, terrible judgement.
Jaime Lannister on the choices of his Arch-Enemy on Game of Thrones

What would it take to make a common soldier stupid enough to try his luck with The Hound?
Tywin Lannister, Game of Thrones

"He said he wouldn't be my friend if I didn't tell him!"
Barney, on why he revealed the player's top secret mission to the enemy in Heart Of Evil.

"You remember what daddy always said. That God gave you a big sister instead of a brain."
Meredith (to Flint), Heroes

"Pages one and two had been salvaged by a Damogran Frond Crested Eagle and had already become incorporated into an extraordinary new form of nest which the eagle had invented. It was constructed largely of papier-mache and it was virtually impossible for a newly hatched baby eagle to break out of it. The Damogran Frond Crested Eagle had heard of the notion of survival of the species but wanted no truck with it."

"And all the victims in these films have had their common sense glands removed."
Eddie Izzard on Horror Movies

"Defective microchips? I like the sound of that!"
Mikey Simon, Kappa Mikey

"But... they have the preservation instinct of a herd of lemmings!"
Hippolyte Kurtzmann, Flander's Company, "Bad Taste"

Ray: Why would I be nervous?
Lindesfarne: Because... I'm an insectivore.
Ray: What's an insectivore?
Lindesfarne: (whispers to Tammy) Not too big on self-preservation, is he?
Ray: What's self-preservation?
Lindesfarne (a hedgehog) and Ray (a firefly) in Kevin & Kell

Iori Yagami: Geez, sorry you guys! There's no cure for stupidity!

Link: Ah! Fire! My flame-proof suit isn't working!
Navi: That's not a fireproof suit, you just painted your regular suit red!
Link: But... isn't that how fireproof suits work? You know, by camouflaging me from the flames?
Navi: How you've managed to survive this long is a mystery to me.

Thief: Okay, Fighter, tie this rope to something sturdy so we can climb across
Fighter: [off-panel] Done!
Black Mage: Why is the rope on fire?
Fighter: I tied it to the lava! Y'know, so we could find it when we're done here.

"Bastian flips through the book and says, "It keeps going!" Koreander is a little too polite to reply, Of course it keeps going, it's the NeverEnding Story, ya dipshit!"
TheAgony Booth recap of The NeverEnding Story III: Escape From Fantasia

Sonic: Cool, it's raining fire!
Players: Cool! Cool! I'm gonna die!
Let's Play Sonic the Hedgehog (2006) by pokecapn, Medibot, Kung-Fu Jesus, IlluminatusVespucci and John Condit

"Anyone who fights us is either stupid or on Saren's payroll. Killing the latter is business. Killing the former is a favor to the universe."
Urdnot Wrex, Mass Effect 1

"Please do not use this electrical appliance while you're in the bath. Actually, you know what? Go on. If you're that dumb, I think we can afford to lose ya!".
Ed Byrne on Mock the Week

"Stupidity is the only natural capital crime."
Robert A. Heinlein, The Notebooks of Lazarus Long

"I clean my knives in a crossbow. Some people say it's foolish... I put them in the hoover and set it on blow and just shoot water at them around the kitchen, as I sit with a plug — bare-wired... at my feet... PEEING ON IT! All to get a better clean."
Phil Jupitus on QI after hearing about the fatal accidents involving dishwasher users impaling themselves on the cutlery basket because they put all the knives in pointing up — all to get a better clean.

Klingon Transporter Operator: I do not deserve to live.
Kirk: Fine, I'll kill you later.

"Cartman, you've stooped to the level of a full-fledged retard."
Kyle Brofloski, South Park

Mach: Hang on, I'm getting a strange energy reading.
Ops: Do not touch the artifact! Direct orders from Dostya!
Mach: It'll just take a second.

"You were born to be murdered."
Major Calloway (to Holly Martins), The Third Man

"The Defense Department regrets to inform you that your sons are dead because they were stupid."
Goose, Top Gun

I've never seen someone so prone to life-threatening idiocy!
Alice Cullen to Bella Swan, New Moon

Moiraine: DO NOT go out into Shadar Logoth, or touch anything!
Mat: Let's go out into Shadar Logoth and touch things!
Rand and Perrin: Good idea.

"It's so absurdly simple! I can control this storm! All I have to do is—"
Mutran, just before getting fried, BIONICLE

Real Life

"Nature abhors a moron."
H. L. Mencken, 1949

"I had this lady interviewer following me around. More of that in-depth crap. She was convinced that life with Altman was a never-ending round of orgies and excess. She was even snooping around in my hotel bathroom, for Christ's sake, and she found this jar of funny white powder in the medicine cabinet. Aha! she thinks. Cocaine! So she snorts some. Unfortunately, what she didn't know was that I'm allergic to commercial toothpaste because the dentine in it makes me break out in a rash. So my wife mixes up baking soda and salt for me, and — poor girl."
Robert Altman, as interviewed by Roger Ebert

Barney the Dinosaur: Friends, be careful around household chemicals! Many—
Boy: HOUSEHOLD CHEMICALS?! What's that?
Barney: Why, that can mean anything from bleach to drain cleaner! Now—
Boy: DRAIN CLEANER?! What's that?
Barney: It's sort of in the name, genius. The point is, a lot of these are poisonous, and—
Boy: POISONOUS?! What's that?
Barney: You know what, kid? Ice cream. Poisonous means ice cream.
Boy: YAY!!!

"Front door, closet... front door, closet... closet."

"Harry is such a chump he somehow manages to fall into a small pool of mercury Ė if I were Tom I would have headed back to the ship and confirmed his death while I had the chance...his own suit is compromised to keep trying to save his idiotic friend. Let them both die, the show won't lose anything."
Doc Oho on Star Trek: Voyager, "Demon"

"Hey, the cop never said anything about doing intensely stupid things!"
Tom Servo, Mystery Science Theater 3000, "Last Clear Chance", right before the characters get hit by a train.

"So, they decide to play Blind Man's Bluff, where they turn out all the lights, drink a lot of beer, and roam around the house; a.k.a the easiest setup for a slasher film ever. The only way they could make this easier for the killer is if they killed themselves."
The Cinema Snob, The Mutilator (1985)

"Jar-Jar's like, 'Oh, come back to the city that has, like, a police warrant out for me for execution.' Uhh, Jar-Jar's not the smartest creature in the galaxy, is he? He brings Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan before Boss Nass, but he gets arrested and they say it's time to get executed. If it wasn't for Qui-Gon saying, 'This animal has a life debt with me, I should take him with me.' — you know, if Qui-Gon just didn't do that — they've would've executed Jar-Jar. So, really, Jar-Jar would probably be more motivated to not take them there... 'I can take you to the Naboo City, just follow me! Let's, uh, let's go this way; The way that's the farthest possible away from the Gungan City. Let's go that way.' I thought I had Jar-Jar figured out. I thought he was, like, the tightest, best character in the film. But I guess not."

"When your life has been directly threatened by your boss and there's already been one unsolved murder in your office building, always work late and alone!"
Noah "The Spoony One" Antwiler, Let's Play Phantasmagoria 2

"Now to anyone that knows disaster movies, you know that characters are usually the weakest part of any of those movies...to use the Irwin Allen movies as an example, the characters are usually regular guys who are stuck in extraordinary circumstances. In Sanctum we have a group consisting of either selfish prats or rich A-holes going into a cave system which they know is most likely going to be flooded. Thatís right, they knew of a storm coming which would spell trouble for their dive but they chose to go anyway. So not only are they assholes, but they are stupid assholes too."
Miles Antwiler on Sanctum (2011)

Chris: Selina Kyle is working late getting some papers together for Maxís meeting with Bruce Wayne the next day, when Max walks in on her and she decides itís a good idea to tell him that she went through his secret encrypted files and discovered his evil master plan to steal Gotham Cityís power surplus.
David: Tell him? It was obvious, because she was looking at the super secret files... why in the world did she think heíd want her to go through his encrypted crap?
Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Batman Returns

Chris: The ring was meant to take Doomsday into the future, so clearly thatís what it does to Lois. She ends up in 3009, dropped right into the middle of a bunch of Legionnaires who are waiting to destroy the ultimate killing machine as soon as it comes through the time portal. Thereís a part of me that wants Lois to have been set on fire, electrocuted, mind-blasted, karate chopped, brained with a chunk of iron and turned to stone that was then eaten just because Clark couldnít be bothered to keep his super-hero stuff off the top of his desk at work. Thatíll learn him.
David: Yeah, the fact that itís just on his desk is incredible. Did he not think anyone would touch it?
ComicsAlliance on Smallville ("Doomsday")

Things I Learned From This Game:
Some people are just too fucking stupid to live.
This review of Racial Holy War.

"Some behaviour does not merely show bad character. It displays a level of stupidity so alarming as to render the bad character secondary. It raises a serious question as to whether emergency personnel should be rushed to the scene to equip the subject with a ventilator in case he forgets to breathe."

Brian: You guys go that way, I'm gonna go do more testing on the water.
Film Brain: Really? You see giant piranhas jumping into buildings and your first reaction is to test the water? You deserve to die!


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