Quotes: Too Dumb to Live

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    Comic Books 

It's so absurdly simple! I can control this storm! All I have to do is—
Mutran, just before getting fried, BIONICLE

    Film — Live-action 

I don't want another murder in this case, and you were born to be murdered.
Major Calloway (to Holly Martins), The Third Man

The Defense Department regrets to inform you that your sons are dead because they were stupid.
Goose, Top Gun

"You just went and made a new dinosaur? Probably not a good idea."

    Literature 

Stupidity is the only natural capital crime.
Robert A. Heinlein, The Notebooks of Lazarus Long

Thoth sprang up, blood mounting darkly to his face, while his eyes flamed with the stunned fury of a man who suddenly realizes the full depths of a fool's swinish stupidity.
Robert E. Howard, "The Phoenix On The Sword," as Thoth-Amon realizes that Dion has his lost Ring of Power and doesn't even know it.

Let's just say that if complete and utter chaos was lightning, he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards'.
Rincewind on Twoflower, The Colour of Magic

Murder was in fact a fairly uncommon event in Ankh-Morpork, but there were a lot of suicides. Walking in the night-time alleyways of the Shades was suicide. Asking for a short beer in a dwarf bar was suicide. Saying 'Got rocks in your head?' to a troll was suicide. You could commit suicide very easily, if you weren't careful.

Pages one and two had been salvaged by a Damogran Frond Crested Eagle and had already become incorporated into an extraordinary new form of nest which the eagle had invented. It was constructed largely of papier-mache and it was virtually impossible for a newly hatched baby eagle to break out of it. The Damogran Frond Crested Eagle had heard of the notion of survival of the species but wanted no truck with it.

I've never seen someone so prone to life-threatening idiocy!
Alice Cullen to Bella Swan, New Moon

Moiraine: DO NOT go out into Shadar Logoth, or touch anything!
Mat: Let's go out into Shadar Logoth and touch things!
Rand and Perrin: Good idea.

    Live-action TV 

Hey, the cop never said anything about doing intensely stupid things!
Tom Servo, Mystery Science Theater 3000, "Last Clear Chance", right before the characters get hit by a train.

Please do not use this electrical appliance while you're in the bath. Actually, you know what? Go on. If you're that dumb, I think we can afford to lose ya!
Ed Byrne on Mock the Week

I clean my knives in a crossbow. Some people say it's foolish... I put them in the hoover and set it on blow and just shoot water at them around the kitchen, as I sit with a plug — bare-wired... at my feet... PEEING ON IT! All to get a better clean.
Phil Jupitus on QI after hearing about the fatal accidents involving dishwasher users impaling themselves on the cutlery basket because they put all the knives in pointing up — all to get a better clean.

I am too stupid to LIVE!
Rebecca Howe, Cheers

Doggett: I think I just solved this case. This kid had crap for brains and the flies couldn't resist.
Reyes: Oh, and you were such a choirboy growing up?
Doggett: I mean, we did some stupid stuff but we didn't know it was stupid at the time. This isn't just stupid, this is glorification of stupid. These kids take enormous pride in being sub-mental.
The X-Files, "Lord of the Flies"

I suppose from a creative standpoint, some characters deserve to die. Ones that lack common sense or even basic survival instinct.
Abed, Community

For young man, read young idiot. Look, anyone stupid enough to let some mustachio'd dago say, "Excuse me, meester" and then hit them over the head, deserves everything coming to them.
Edmund Blackadder, Blackadder

Poor Ned Stark. Brave man, terrible judgement.
Jaime Lannister on the choices of his Arch-Enemy on Game of Thrones

But... they have the preservation instinct of a herd of lemmings!
Hippolyte Kurtzmann, Flander's Company, "Bad Taste"

    Music 

You're dumb, the song, now die
You're dead, because, you're dumb
Oh wait, you're still, alive
You're still, no dumb, the less

I light my filter, then reverse it
And burn a mouth that's weak on verbs
And nouns and nouns
But I'm not sore
Everybody's stupid, that's for sure
—"Everybody's Stupid", Sparks

Why do lovers park down deserted lanes
Near haunted houses or homes for the insane
Like the deformed son who was locked in a shed
Later escaped when he chopped off their heads
Why do axe murderers only attack
When you're partially nude
Or you're taking a bath
— "Axe Murdered", Camper Van Beethoven

    Podcasts 

Jar-Jar's like, 'Oh, come back to the city that has, like, a police warrant out for me for execution.' Uhh, Jar-Jar's not the smartest creature in the galaxy, is he?

He brings Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan before Boss Nass, but he gets arrested and they say it's time to get executed. If it wasn't for Qui-Gon saying, 'This animal has a life debt with me, I should take him with me.' — you know, if Qui-Gon just didn't do that — they've would've executed Jar-Jar. So, really, Jar-Jar would probably be more motivated to not take them there... 'I can take you to the Naboo City, just follow me! Let's, uh, let's go this way; The way that's the farthest possible away from the Gungan City. Let's go that way.'

I thought I had Jar-Jar figured out. I thought he was, like, the tightest, best character in the film. But I guess not.

    Stand-Up Comedy 

Those kids in horror movies are so easy to kill, you could strangle them with a cordless phone y'know what I'm sayin? I mean, you see how they just run right into danger, these idiots, they run right into death. They're look'n for death.
— Pablo Francisco, this video

All the victims in these films have had their common sense glands removed.
Eddie Izzard on Horror Movies

Some animals are really stupid. Like the crab. What a- what a moron! He has two big scissors held out in front of him, and then he walks sideways like an idiot! That's why we eat their legs, we keep pulling them off from the side!
Jeremy Hotz

    Video Games 

Duuuh. You died because you were dumb.

Robin Hood: (Hiding below monks) Excuse me, could you lend me a hand? You see, I'm nearly safe, but I thought I'd do something truly foolish instead and get myself killed.
Evil Monk: Brother, quickly, bring some rocks! There's an intruder below!

Geez, sorry you guys! There's no cure for stupidity!
Iori Yagami' victory quote, The King Of Fighters '96

Anyone who fights us is either stupid or on Saren's payroll. Killing the latter is business. Killing the former is a favor to the universe.
Urdnot Wrex, Mass Effect 1

Mach: Hang on, I'm getting a strange energy reading.
Ops: Do not touch the artifact! Direct orders from Dostya!
Mach: It'll just take a second.

    Webcomics 

Thief: Okay, Fighter, tie this rope to something sturdy so we can climb across
Fighter: [off-panel] Done!
Black Mage: Why is the rope on fire?
Fighter: I tied it to the lava! Y'know, so we could find it when we're done here.

Zeke: The average human lifespan is seventy years.
Embla: I see.
Zeke: Heh. Except Ethan. If you run the data, his life expectancy comes out to negative forty years.

Ray: Why would I be nervous?
Lindesfarne: Because... I'm an insectivore.
Ray: What's an insectivore?
Lindesfarne: (whispers to Tammy) Not too big on self-preservation, is he?
Ray: What's self-preservation?
Lindesfarne (a hedgehog) and Ray (a firefly) in Kevin & Kell

    Web Original 

So, again, the lesson to be learned here is to not put your hand anywhere near a piece of machinery thatís got razor sharp blades on it. And yes, this is coming from a trick who once almost lost his good fappiní hand while doing the YMCA dance under a living room ceiling fan.
Michael K., "Lesson Of The Day: Donít Grab A Flying Drone"

Drive anywhere at about 8 p.m. at night, and there's always at least ONE dude on the highway who is holding out on putting the headlights on. He's really determined to stay incognito.

This is the Russian bathtub heroin that eats your flesh. And it's a telling sign of our collective lunacy that officials can predict that a FLESH-EATING DRUG will spread across America even though we all know it eats flesh, and then that prediction comes to pass. Personally, I am terrified of all flesh-eating substances: acids, bacteria, lions, etc. I instinctively stay away from them. But that warning apparently wasn't enough to keep away our most desperate, meth-addled citizens. "Well, if it eats my flesh but people still do it, it must be AMAZING." Side note: Do NOT look up images of people who have had their flesh eaten by Krokodil. You will be unhappy.
GQ, Make It Stop

When Dwinell was tested, doctors did indeed find a burn in the center of his retinas. The finding apparently made Dwinell disheartened and discouraged, and he even apparently stopped sungazing for a while, but he eventually picked it up again because he is rather seriously insane.
Encyclopedia of American Loons on Mason Howe Dwinell

Barney the Dinosaur: Friends, be careful around household chemicals! Many—
Boy: HOUSEHOLD CHEMICALS?! What's that?
Barney: Why, that can mean anything from bleach to drain cleaner! Now—
Boy: DRAIN CLEANER?! What's that?
Barney: It's sort of in the name, genius. The point is, a lot of these are poisonous, and—
Boy: POISONOUS?! What's that?
Barney: You know what, kid? Ice cream. Poisonous means ice cream.
Boy: YAY!!!

Harry is such a chump he somehow manages to fall into a small pool of mercury Ė if I were Tom I would have headed back to the ship and confirmed his death while I had the chance...his own suit is compromised to keep trying to save his idiotic friend. Let them both die, the show won't lose anything.

Things I Learned From This Game:
Some people are just too fucking stupid to live.
This review of Racial Holy War.

"Some behaviour does not merely show bad character. It displays a level of stupidity so alarming as to render the bad character secondary. It raises a serious question as to whether emergency personnel should be rushed to the scene to equip the subject with a ventilator in case he forgets to breathe."

Lelouch: I need your help, can you come here?
Suzaku: Well, I can't. I'm buying clothes.
Lelouch: Alright, well hurry up and come over here.
Suzaku: I can't find them.
Lelouch: What do you mean, you can't find them?
Suzaku: I can't find them, there's only soup.
Lelouch: What do you mean there's ONLY soup?
Suzaku: It means there's ONLY SOUP!
Lelouch: WELL THEN, GET OUT OF THE SOUP AISLE!!!
Suzaku: ALRIGHT, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT AT ME! * Suzaku walks into the next aisle * There's more soup.
Lelouch: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S MORE SOUP?!?!
Suzaku: IT'S JUST MORE SOUP!!
Lelouch: GO INTO THE NEXT AISLE!!
Suzaku: * Suzaku goes into the next aisle * THERE'S STILL SOUP!
Lelouch: WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW?!?!?
Suzaku: I'M AT SOUP!
Lelouch: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE "AT SOUP"?!?!?!
Suzaku: I MEAN, I'M AT SOUP!!!
Lelouch: WHAT STORE ARE YOU IN?!?!?
Suzaku: I'M AT THE SOUP STORE!!!
Lelouch: WHY ARE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE?!?!?!?
Suzaku: FUCK YOU!!!!!

You are fired from breathing! Please, pack up your desk, and kindly leave life.

    Web Video 

Okay guys it looks like you have everything you need so I'm gonna go to bed now! Alone! Naked! And with the door unlocked! Bye!

Link: Ah! Fire! My flame-proof suit isn't working!
Navi: That's not a fireproof suit, you just painted your regular suit red!
Link: But... isn't that how fireproof suits work? You know, by camouflaging me from the flames?
Navi: How you've managed to survive this long is a mystery to me.

Sonic: Cool, it's raining fire!
Players: Cool! Cool! I'm gonna die!
Let's Play Sonic the Hedgehog (2006) by pokecapn, Medibot, Kung-Fu Jesus, IlluminatusVespucci and John Condit

Front door, closet... front door, closet... closet.

Vin has a terminal disease and a massive life insurance policy, that's all I can figure.
SFDebris on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, "Past Tense Pt. 2"

So, they decide to play Blind Man's Bluff, where they turn out all the lights, drink a lot of beer, and roam around the house; a.k.a the easiest setup for a slasher film ever. The only way they could make this easier for the killer is if they killed themselves.
The Cinema Snob, The Mutilator (1985)

"It's always funny at the beginning of the Terminator films to see his first victims underestimate him or misunderstand what he is."
"Yeah, Bill Paxton and his boys are mouthin' off, so they basically are asking for it. Who's that comfortable around a giant naked man in the first place?"

It's Horror Stupidity Syndrome. And it seems to have become a rather prominent element in modern horror films in particular.
Media Whorz review of The Thing (2011) (2011)

When your life has been directly threatened by your boss and there's already been one unsolved murder in your office building, always work late and alone!
Noah "The Spoony One" Antwiler, Let's Play Phantasmagoria 2

Adam: Okay, I already died.
James: What happened?
Adam: I punched a dinosaur.

    Western Animation 

He does so have to shoot me now! I demand that you shoot me now!
Daffy Duck, Rabbit Seasoning

Meatwad: (holding a scorpion): I'll eat it... if you eat it.
Shake: All right, deal! Wait a minute... how are you gonna eat it after I eat it?
Meatwad: Look, you eat it, then I go back in time to before the time that you eat it, then I'll eat it. note 
Shake: Okay.
(later)
Frylock: What's wrong with Shake?
Meatwad: Oh, he's dead. Dumbass ate a scorpion.

Brian Griffin: Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter Griffin: Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at serious risk.

Freakazoid: Dumb, dumb, dumb! Never tell the villain how to trap you in a cage!
Gutierrez: You probably shouldn't have helped us build it, either.
Freakazoid: I know! Dumb!

Fry: Wait. I know where we can get beeswax. From those giant space bees that nearly killed us, and we swore we'd never go back there.
Farnsworth: Let's go back there!

Cartman, you've stooped to the level of a full-fledged retard.
Kyle Brofloski, South Park

I wish to blow up! I mean get big. (explodes)
Hot Dog Knight, Adventure Time

    Real Life 

Nature abhors a moron.
H. L. Mencken, 1949

I had this lady interviewer following me around. More of that in-depth crap. She was convinced that life with Altman was a never-ending round of orgies and excess. She was even snooping around in my hotel bathroom, for Christ's sake, and she found this jar of funny white powder in the medicine cabinet. Aha! she thinks. Cocaine! So she snorts some. Unfortunately, what she didn't know was that I'm allergic to commercial toothpaste because the dentine in it makes me break out in a rash. So my wife mixes up baking soda and salt for me, and — poor girl.
Robert Altman, as interviewed by Roger Ebert