History Funny / IfTheEmperorHadATextToSpeechDeviceMainEpisodes

* Which leads to [[NoPronunciationGuide the problem of what to call the greatest of harlequins.]]

--->"[[AC:It's like some [[{{Jerkass}} complete asswipes]] suddenly invaded an old folk's home, demolished all of their belongings, and [[KillEmAll subjected all old people to summary executions]]. [[HereWeGoAgain And then another completely unrelated group came along]] and [[HumiliationConga did the exact same thing all over again]].]]"

--->'''Vulkan:''' Have you ever heard of ''[[TabletopGame/Warhammer40000 Battlemace]] [[UpToEleven Forty-Two Million?]]''\\

-->'''Eldrad Ulthran:''' Yes, I am aware the rune looks like a fish skeleton. Exactly as intended. Now - hold on, my brain is swelling (''turns around'') annnnnd by Khaine that is Magnus the Red.\\

** Earlier in the episode, one of the Ultramarines carries a report on the warband's progress through the Webway to Calgar from Astropath Illiyan Nastase, with Calgar giving the dual order to sock Illiyan in the face for him and to deny him ''any'' [[DemotedToExtra screentime.]] [[labelnote:explanation]]Illiyan is a prime example of EarlyInstallmentWeirdness in [=40k=] as he's a Half-Eldar with an absurdly high rank for a half-human hybrid in the notoriously xenophobic Imperium. He's been, for the most part, abandoned by canon.[[/labelnote]]

-->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:There's a plot twist you didn't see coming. The]] [[AC:orks]] [[AC:were actually important all aloooooooooooooooong.]]

-->''(RecordNeedleScratch)''\\
'''[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97CmxA1FA5s#t=8m37s The Emperor]]:''' '''''[[AC:[[Music/SimplePlan How could this happen to meee!]]]]'''''\\
'''''[[AC:I made my mistaaaakes!]]'''''\\
'''''[[AC:Got nowhere to ruuuun...]]'''''\\
'''''[[AC:The night goes on as I'm fading awaaaaaaay!]]'''''\\
'''''[[AC:I'm sick of this liiiiife.]]'''''\\
'''''[[AC:I just wanna screeeeeeaaaaaaammmmm]]'''''\\
'''''[[AC:How could this happen to me...]]'''''

-->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:I am deeply disgusted by you and hope you explode. In fact...]
''[[[SpontaneousHumanCombustion a distant]] [[MadeOfExplodium explosion]] [[SoundOnlyDeath is heard]]]''
* Another letter asks the Emperor if he thinks [[VideoGame/MetalGearSolid love can bloom on the battlefield]], and specifically asks for the Emperor's blessing for a relationship between [[InterspeciesRomance a human and an eldar]] ([[http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Story:Love_Can_Bloom a reference to /tg's Crack Pairing between a Vindicare Assassin and a Farseer]]). The Emperor explains that the eldar view humans the same way humans view apes, as primitive creatures using only the simplest of tools, so this eldar chick is [[WhatMeasureIsANonHuman effectively into bestiality]], and will probably get all sorts of horrible space [=STDs=] to bring back to her home craftworld and kill half its population. "[[AC:[[WouldBeRudeToSayGenocide So yes, you have my blessing.]]]]"

'''Skitarii:''' Subject - identified. Branch: Adeptus - Custodes. Rank: Captain-General. Name: (''fizzle'') Screw - that.\\

-->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:I am deeply disgusted by you and hope you explode. In fact...]]
''[[[SpontaneousHumanCombustion a distant]] [[MadeOfExplodium explosion]] [[SoundOnlyDeath is heard]]]''\\

* Magnus' summary of his plan with Kitten: 'Make the Imperium Great Again!''

** Kitten's biggest hang-up is the forced sterilization the Tau practice. Kitten [[VillainHasAPoint concedes the point]] when Magnus points out that [[NotSoDifferent the Imperium runs Inquisitorial sterilization camps]], and Chaos... suffice to say, [[EvilHasABadSenseOfHumor Slaanesh has a weird sense of humor]].

--->'''Drill Abbot:''' [[Pun MAKE THEM SUPPER]]!!!\\

* Cooking With The Imperium scene at the beginning, featuring an Imperial Fists Marine with a flamer and a Schola Progenium Drill Abbot with a thunder hammer and [[RealMenWearPink an adorable pink apron]], and Kitten's absolutely chill reaction to everything that's happening around him.

--->'''Drill Abbot:''' MAKE THEM SUPPER!!!\\

'''Magnus:''' (''[[RageBreakingPoint snaps]]'') Ah. Yes. You know that ''feeling'' when your ''home planet'' is ''torn asunder'' by a ''pack'' of ''spiteful bigots'' and you live in ''pain'' and ''suffering'' for ''ten thousand years'', knowing that you ''could'' have saved it, had you not ''fucked. Up. Over, and over, and over,'' until you're forced to stand before an assemblage of ''literal jeering clowns'' who call you ''cringe'' and tell you to go back to your ''aforementioned [[DoomedHometown long-since destroyed home]]?!'' CAN ANYONE RELATE?!\\

'''Harlequin Audience:''' Ah, big mood! [[FunWithSubtitles [relating HA's]]]

* In round three of the comedy duel, Cegorach gets on stage, pulls out a (40,000-year-old) handgun, kills the entire audience, then himself. The screen fades to black, but then slowly a visage appears...

--->'''Magnus:''' (''summons bomb(with 'Ass Blassam' written on it) attached to a bear trap(with 'No Joy') written on it) and throws it at the Duel Disk'')\\

-->'''Ahriman:''' Alright, I don't know about the rest of you but I've got sick of this for the time being. Why don't we all just go to some beach or Slaaneshi pub somewhere and just...[[INeedAFreakingDrink get a drink or something.]] Yes, somewhere where there should be ladies. Real ladies, with boobs. And dicks!

'''Kitten:''' "[[FlatWhat what.]] So you pretended to be dead an then came hereto Terra?"\\

'''Dorn:''' "A revelation lead me to it.]"

'''Rogal:''' The Black Crusade must be stopped. Magic Pain Glove. Tell me what to do. ''(Puts on the Glove)''\\
'''Rogal:''' YUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG\\
'''Rogal:''' The glove has spoken.\\

'''Kitten:''' (''[[PersonalSpaceInvader uncomfortably close to Magnus]]'') [[MotorMouth WHAT IS IT YOU WANT ME TO DO TELL ME IMMEDIATELY]].\\

'''Magnus:''' (''[[RageBreakingPoint snaps]]'') Ah. Yes. You know that ''feeling'' when your ''home planet'' is ''torn asunder'' by a ''pack'' of ''spiteful bigots'' and you live in ''pain'' and ''suffering'' for ''ten thousand years'', knowing that you ''could'' have saved it, had you not ''fucked. Up. Over, and over, and over,'' until you're forced to stand before an assemblage of ''literal jeering clowns'' who call you ''cringe'' and tell you to go back to your ''aforementioned long-since destroyed home?!'' CAN ANYONE RELATE?!\\

'''The Star-Child:''' You know what I think? Despite everything, [[AllLovingHero I think there is some]] ''[[AllLovingHero genuine good]]'' [[AllLovingHero in you.]] In fact, I can ''see'' it, shining through you as clearly as the suns in the sky you kidnapped.\\

'''Dorn:''' ([[LettingTheAirOutOfTheBand The music abruptly cuts out]].) "[[BluntYes No.]]"

-->'''Ahriman:''' Alright, I don't know about the rest of you but I've got sick of this for the time being. Why don't we all just go to some beach or Slaaneshi pub somewhere and just...[[INeedAFreakingDrink get a drink or something.]] Yes, somewhere where there should be ladies. Real ladies, with boobs. And ''not'' dicks!

* The revelation that the gas entity (a C'tan) eating the Necrontyr homeworld's sun was alive is punctuated by the cloud manifesting a googly-eyed [[CatSmile UwU face]] with an adorable [[WesternAnimation/MyLittlePonyFriendshipIsMagic 'squee']]. It gets even funnier when you realize that the UwU C'tan is ''[[TheDreaded the Nightbringer.]]''

* The revelation that the gas entity (a C'tan) eating the Necrontyr homeworld's sun was alive is punctuated by the cloud manifesting a googly-eyed [[CatSmile UwU face]] with an adorable [[WesternAnimation/MyLittlePonyFriendshipIsMagic 'squee']].

--->'''Watcher:''' [[SmallAnnoyingCreature Empers tempers, Azrael! Did ya hear that! We're totally gonna find Cypher now!]]\\

*** For added "SmallAnnoyingCreature from a cheesy old action cartoon"-ness, there's a whimsical tune playing as it speaks and according to [[AllThereInTheManual the credits]] it's called ''Snurko''.

'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:All I got out of that was "wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf and wolf."]]\\

''Kitten:''' They have wince-worthy weaponry with no skulls or holy symbols on them!\\

'''Rogal:''' No.\\