So, a Sekirei fanfic. Basic premise: MBI Psycho for Hire becomes an ashikabi, finds out that Love Redeems. But Sekirei plan is underway and Protagonist loses his sekirei, sending this Heartbroken Badass Normal into Roaring Rampage of Revenge against MBI and, specifically, the Disciplinary squad. In Medias Res prologue is below, tell me what you think, first fiction story I've ever done. Also first work in english I dared to show to (more or less) wide audience, so any stylistic/vocabularian/grammatic hints/tips/slaps in the face are welcome.
“Who the hell are you?” Benitsubasa shouted between coughs, crawling back. Her left leg useless, bleeding from large hole in the thigh, right arm in even worse condition - held only by a few strands of muscle tissue.
It was the first shot that took her arm, but only because she nearly dodged it – otherwise it would have blown a hole in her chest. Second one, that struck her in the leg, was already aimed there deliberately, shot only after she got up to try and run away. Haihane was cut off from her earlier, when ripple of explosions tore the street between them apart, and was nowhere to be found - she was alone.
“You know” from thick, choking smoke a man appeared, face concealed by gas mask and night vision goggles, “I never found her head.” He kicked the wound on her leg, causing already dizzy from blood loss, which would have killed a human already, sekirei to momentarily lose vision. “I wanted to take a lock of her hair as a memento, but I couldn't find her head.” assailants calm voice amongst the mayhem of explosions which reigned on this street for a few last minutes finally broke Benitsubasa, as she felt warm metal pressing against her forehead she cried “Whose head? I know nothing of missing heads! Please! Don't!”
“...I never found her head...”
PS: If you think that I should stop writing this thing (or anything, for that matter) - say so, but add why, please.
So, a Sekirei fanfic. Basic premise: MBI Psycho for Hire becomes an ashikabi, finds out that Love Redeems. But Sekirei plan is underway and Protagonist loses his sekirei, sending this Heartbroken Badass Normal into Roaring Rampage of Revenge against MBI and, specifically, the Disciplinary squad. In Medias Res prologue is below, tell me what you think, first fiction story I've ever done. Also first work in english I dared to show to (more or less) wide audience, so any stylistic/vocabularian/grammatic hints/tips/slaps in the face are welcome.
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“Who the hell are you?” Benitsubasa shouted between coughs, crawling back. Her left leg useless, bleeding from large hole in the thigh, right arm in even worse condition - held only by a few strands of muscle tissue. It was the first shot that took her arm, but only because she nearly dodged it – otherwise it would have blown a hole in her chest. Second one, that struck her in the leg, was already aimed there deliberately, shot only after she got up to try and run away. Haihane was cut off from her earlier, when ripple of explosions tore the street between them apart, and was nowhere to be found - she was alone. “You know” from thick, choking smoke a man appeared, face concealed by gas mask and night vision goggles, “I never found her head.” He kicked the wound on her leg, causing already dizzy from blood loss, which would have killed a human already, sekirei to momentarily lose vision. “I wanted to take a lock of her hair as a memento, but I couldn't find her head.” assailants calm voice amongst the mayhem of explosions which reigned on this street for a few last minutes finally broke Benitsubasa, as she felt warm metal pressing against her forehead she cried “Whose head? I know nothing of missing heads! Please! Don't!” “...I never found her head...”PS: If you think that I should stop writing this thing (or anything, for that matter) - say so, but add why, please.
edited 22nd Apr '12 10:00:19 AM by helltamirre
Planning World Domination