Live Blogs Let’s Play and Wish We Hadn’t

Bismuth832018-06-26 16:42:17

Hi, folks, and welcome back to Let\'s Play and Wish We Hadn\'t. (Really, the reason I\'m updating now is because I\'m getting stuck in Super Metroid and the walkthroughs haven\'t been very helpful. [Stupid Maridia...]) As such, it\'s now time for me to transition from what many gamers (myself included) consider a masterpiece to something that I\'m glad I didn\'t pay actual money for. The Kingdom of the Witches is now open, so let\'s go eviscerate world 1... After a pointless FMV of a door opening (These worlds are all associated with the 7 colors of the visible light spectrum. How original... We\'re told we need to get a permit from Queen Cackle (Again, how original...) to continue our journey. Great, a LITERAL PlotCoupon. It works in other games because they\'re made to fit in with the setting! Ugh... Let\'s just move on... We\'re taught how to use the map (Yeah, anyone with opposable thumbs and a brain could, thanks for insulting my intelligence and limb type, game...) and our first task is to assemble a map. Here\'s basically how the game works: Solve a puzzle (Which may or may not even be a puzzle), earn Fantastic Guilders (this game\'s currency, one that will DEFINITELY withstand the same test of time as the coin, ring, screw/P-chip, gil, Rupee, and bell.) Anyways, on to the puzzle. O is to exit/restart and △ is for hints. Those are the only controls that remain constant. This is just a drag and drop puzzle. I can only assume the reason this wasn\'t on the DS (which would have been a major benefit to this game\'s controls) is that Nintendo was too smart to license this waste of effort. PUZZLE CLEARED, 10 FGs earned, insert semi-enthusiastic Final Fantasy victory jingle here. Now that the map\'s been rebuilt, we can get to the actual world itself. It\'s much like EtrianOdyssey, only it\'s a piece of shit ProfessorLayton clone. Two icons have unlocked: A spider and the cast on a pegasus. I shall go with the spider first because it was unlocked first. The game wastes no time introducing us to THE FEARSOME MOUND OF RED EARTH, a redDISH rock-like creature that bears more than a passing resemblance to an Umibōzu Or perhaps, since it\'s earth, should it be a Tsuchibōzu? (And you may now get angry at me for not believing that Japan is the worst country in the world and illogically hating everything to do with it.) Superhero tells us that it\'s time for our first challenge. ALL RIGHT, A BOSS FIGHT, NOW THAT\'S MORE LIKE IT! Greatsword is scared by it. Oh come on, it\'s the intro boss, it\'s gonna be easy! We\'re told that we must battle Arachne, a giant spider living inside TFMORE. I\'m usually nice to bugs IRL, but if it\'s a boss fight, I have no problem with it! FMV of Arachne revealing herself. Germanium Sulfide tries to reason with the monster, explaining his mission, with Arachne stating that she only answers to the Queen of Witches. GS Ball states that he hasn\'t done anything to her. She states that she\'s \"the Guardian\", meaning it\'s her job to stop strangers, unless... (Go on, it\'s time for me to see what the combat\'s like!) We write her a beautiful story (Here\'s a pretty touching one: Once upon a time, you died, I lived happily ever after, deleted this rom from Open Emu, and never had to touch this piece of shit again! THE END.) I mean, putting him into a fight with ANYTHING would probably kill him, but you can\'t even have a proper challenge? How does a spider even SPEAK, let alone read? (I\'d like to mention that Arachne only has 2 eyes.) But alas, to get out of this nightmare, we have to write her the novel of the millennium! The characters, more concerned that they don\'t have anything to write on than the fact that a colossal spider has commissioned a written work from us, learn that it has to be written on the Fantastic Scroll. Great, now not only do we have to write a potential bestseller, but on a specific piece of paper? Oh, and it\'s in 5 pieces. I hate my job... 5 new icons open up: We first visit THE FANGED FISH FARM. Looks more like a river infested with piranhas that enjoy spending an unhealthy amount of time above water... We\'re told by an ogre (Brogres, GTFO) that he can help if we help him. (If it involves raping me, COUNT ME OUT.) He tells us that he needs the answer to a riddle. Oh, and I\'ll also be starting a DISCOUNT GAME meter. This is for minigamesthat are too much like other, better games for comfort. This is DISCOUNT You Don\'t Know Jack. Question: How much dirt is there in a hole 1mx1mx1m? Answer: 0m^3. HOW HAS THIS DUDE NOT HEARD THIS BEFORE?! For solving this super-easy riddle, we get taken across to get one piece of the Final Solution. Next, it\'s off to the WICKED WITCH WOODS, where apparently, only \"the Witch\" (Isn\'t this the KINGDOM of Witches? Who are you referring to by that?) The witch we\'re supposed to talk to says that she knows what we\'re doing (and everything else, as well). Guess what? It\'s time for another round of DISCOUNT YOU DON\'T KNOW JACK! This time, we have to answer THREE! (Why is it always 3? Why can\'t it be some other number?) QUESTION ONE: This witch has a rival who claims to be much more evil than her (If she\'s so evil, why\'s she helping us?), so she made all but 9 of her 17 cats disappear (You can avoid saying \"die\" or \"killed\" all you want, it still doesn\'t mask the unfortunate reality). HOW MANY ARE THERE? 9. You said so in the question. QUESTION TWO: In the real world (so she knows her world is a mere figment of Elisabetta Dami\'s imagination?), some months have 30 days and some have 31. HOW MANY HAVE 28? All of them. QUESTION THE FINAL: A troll goes to a pond for a drink. It comes across 6 giant swamp creatures, which carry 3 witches, who each have 2 crows with them. HOW MANY CREATURES GO THERE TO DRINK? Only one, it\'s the troll, you\'ve blatantly swapped out the names in the St. Ives riddle. SUCCESS! (Emphasis on \"Suc\" there.) PIECE TWO GET! You know what? No. I\'m gonna break here. I think I\'ll get sick if I continue now. TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO SEE ME DO MORE STUPID PUZZLES!

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