Crimes R Us
We open with the Doomship flying over what looks like “Real World” farmland. A pan inside the ship shows us that all seven kids are in attendance. Seems they're heading for a prison, causing Koopa to remark that it's the only place in the “Real World” with their kind of people. In the prison yard, we see a bunch of convicts playing basketball. One of the larger cons, a bald guy, grabs one of the smaller cons and rolls him up into a ball before dribbling him and shooting him into the basket. When he asks who else thinks they can beat him at basketball everyone else runs away screaming.
The Doomship makes its appearance and shoots a bunch of lasers at a guard tower, causing it to burst into flames and fall over. Bully climbs down a rope ladder and comes face to face with the big bald con, who he identifies as Crimewave Clyde, ““Real World” public enemy number one.” Clyde doesn't seem at all phased by any of this, though he does mention he's serving a 12,423 year sentence. Bully grabs hold of Clyde and we cut to the con aboard the Doomship asking questions of Koopa. Seems he thinks they're wearing reptile disguises. At least it makes some sense for crooks to wear disguises as opposed to, say, plumbers. Clyde pulls on Koopa's nose, thinking it's a mask, much to the merriment of his offspring. Koopa actually introduces himself using his full name, making this the fifth time the name Bowser has been used. He also introduces his kids.
At Kastle Koopa, Clyde recites everything Koopa told him in one of the most blatant examples of Let Me Get This Straight... I've ever seen. It seems Koopa wants Clyde to show his kids all the underhanded, crooked tricks he knows. Clyde refuses, until Koopa offers him half of everything they steal. Of course he crosses his fingers behind his back as he says this.
Later, the Doomship arrives over the Mushroom Kingdom and Clyde begins lesson one: bank robbery. Guess he's skipping over the introductory lessons huh? Mario and Luigi are nearby, talking about how clouds look like stuff. Luigi points out one cloud that looks like the Doomship, only to realize it is the Doomship. Mario jumps up and hits a note block that he was apparently standing under the whole time. He grabs a leaf and transforms, while Luigi actually has to move from his spot to find a fire flower. Luigi transforms too. Well, I think he transforms. Its hard to tell because he doesn't change colour like he's supposed to. Inside the bank, the Koopa Kids are grabbing valuables from the bank patrons. Kootie Pie winds up with a feather boa. The brothers walk in as Bully orders a clerk to empty out the money into a sack. Mario whacks the sack out of his hands where it hits Hip and Hop. Luigi, still coloured green, shoots some fireballs at a bunch of the Koopa Kids and they run off. Kootie Pie throws her boa into the air where it wraps around Mario, causing him to land inside the bag of money. Bully sprays Luigi with some water and all the kids run back up the Doomship's ladder. I guess they must have made a hole in the ceiling to accommodate that.
Back at Kastle Koopa, Clyde isn't happy that the kids have failed lesson one, so he moves on to lesson two: getting rid of the good guys. We cut to Desert Land where we hear someone crying for help. Mario and Luigi appear via a warp pipe to offer assistance. How did they hear the cries for help when they were on the other end of the warp pipe? The brothers meet a little mushroom kid who says a Koopa grabbed his lunch money and ran down a pipe. After the brothers jump down said pipe, Cheatsy appears and gives the kid back his lunch money for a job well done. On the other end of the warp pipe, the brothers arrive in an underground tunnel and a hatch closes over the pipe they came in through. The two run into Bigmouth and Clyde. Bigmouth goes on about how the brothers are finished for so long that Clyde clamps his hand over Bigmouth's big mouth. Then they sick a boom-boom on the two brothers. They get chased into a pool of what looks like brown water, though it could be mud or quicksand. Mario makes clucking noises at the boom-boom until he gets so angry he jumps into the water. The splash he makes sends Mario into the air, where he hits another note block and grabs the leaf inside. With the boom-boom stuck in the water the Mario grabs Luigi and the pair fly off without any hassle.
Back in the Mushroom Kingdom, Clyde announces that he's taught the Koopa Kids everything he knows about crime, (that was fast,) and sets them loose on the populace. Bigmouth holds up a citizen with a hand-held ptooie plant, then he tries the same trick on Kootie Pie as she runs past with a sack full of money.
A short while later, the gang reconvenes at Kastle Koopa, while Bully tallies up their haul: 522 wallets, 391 purses, 912 gold coins and a yo-yo. Bigmouth runs up with the ptooie plant and steals the yo-yo from Bully. Clyde tells them, apparently not for the first time, that they aren't supposed to steal from each other. Seems he's almost had his full of dealing with the kids. Then Hip and Hop each grab a wallet from him. Why Clyde was carrying two wallets in his pants I don't know. He chases after them, but Bully trips him. Koopa is more than pleased with the results of Clyde's teachings and tells them their next job is to steal a billion gold coins from the Mushroom Kingdom treasury. I don't think anyone here actually knows how many a billion is, because you could never store that many gold coins in one building, nor could the Doomship ever hope to haul it all away.
We cut back to the Mario Brothers, who are still trapped in the tunnels, now being chased by sledge brothers and ptooie plants. I should point out that Mario no longer has his raccoon tail. Mario and Luigi run into a chamber and close the big metal door behind them. Then Luigi notices they're in a room with a pair of thwomps. This is the final straw for Luigi, who says that there's no way out of the tunnels.
At the Mushroom Kingdom treasury, Clyde hands Kooky a bob-omb, presumably to blow open the wall. However, instead of following orders, Kooky lights the bob-omb right away and chains it to Clyde's foot. Seems that they had orders to double-cross Clyde and keep him from walking away with any of the haul. Clyde declares that he can't take it anymore and hops in a lake.
Back in the underground tunnel, Luigi narrowly doges a thwomp and declares that it's the end for them. Then, out of nowhere, Clyde bashes down the metal door and runs in screaming. I have no idea how he could have possibly found them so fast. He begs them to take him back to the “Real World,” and even agrees to help them stop the Koopa Kids.
As the Koopa Kids break into the Mushroom Kingdom treasury, we get our montage for the episode set to “The Double Cross.” As the song plays the kids break into the vault and load up their bags with cash. Then Clyde and the Marios arrive. Again the Doomship is overhead, ready to pull up the loot via a crane. As Koopa hauls up the haul he finds one bag filled with his own kids all tied up. A second bag contains a bob-omb, which blows up in his face.
Back in the “Real World” prison, Clyde is actually happy to be back behind bars. 12,423 years behind bars is better than one more day with those Koopas.
The Lost City of Kongoland
We start our episode by watching Donkey Kong sleeping in his treehouse bed. Something pokes him and he leaps onto the ceiling. We see what looks like a thorn sticking out of his bed. As we get a shot of the house from outside, we see vines growing all over the place. We cut to Prince Plenty (Remember him? King of the blue people?) asleep in his own bed, only to be awoken by Donkey Kong's yelling, which causes the canopy of Plenty's bed to fall on top of him. A guy walks into the room and announces that “The Lost City of Kongoland is rising after one thousand years, just like the prophecy said.” Plenty says “that's nice” and tries to go back to sleep. Then the other guy mentions that the city is rising in Donkey Kong's front yard, which finally gets Plenty's attention. More rampaging from Donkey Kong causes the floor of Plenty's hut to fall away.
At the Palace of Power, we see a huge lineup of people, apparently wanting to see Lana. I think this is the only time we see people other than the N Team in the palace. Well, except for that time Lana threw a ball and invited everybody. At present, Lana is being asked to settle a dispute between two farmers who each claim custody of a cow. Before Lana can give a ruling, Mega Man arrives with a sack full of letters, all from people who want an audience with Lana. Lana is flummoxed by all the work she has to do, causing Kevin to suggest she take a break. While it's true she may be overworking herself Kevin, not doing her job is only going to make the problems pile up and become even worse. Getting back to the farmers, Lana pulls the old King Solomon routine. Only problem is, both farmers are okay with the cow being cut in half. Before anything can be decided, the cow runs off, causing the two farmers to chase after it. I honestly don't know where all these people come from. If you've ever seen the Palace of Power, you'd see that it's kind of hanging in a void, so these people must all come from different warp zones. Though, if someone is, say, from Hyrule, I don't see why they'd go see Lana instead of Zelda. My point is this scene makes no sense. Which is par for the course in Captain N. A warp opens up and Simon walks out, only to be bowled over by the cow and the two farmers as they run into the warp. Lana fears she may not be a forceful enough ruler, but Kevin tells her she's doing fine. (While the animators make it look like he's trying to cop a feel I might add.)
Prince Plenty comes running in asking for help. He's got a crystal on him that will conveniently explain everything through holograms. Okay, so a thousand years ago there was this guy called Konga. He was a witch-doctor and ruled this great city by controlling plants. Then an earthquake sunk the city, though Konga swore the city would rise again. Also, if anyone finds his treasure they get all of his powers. Lana says they're going to find this treasure and destroy it, because apparently it's evil. Nothing in that story explicitly said anything about Konga being a bad guy, unless you think being evil is a witch-doctor prerequisite.
We cut to Mother Brain observing Donkey Kong as he tries to solve his garden problem by hitting the weeds with a tree. Unusually, Mother Brain is not spying via her magic TV screen, she's actually physically there watching Donkey Kong through a telescope or something. It looks kind of like an electronic eye on the end of a cable. That cable is attached to a flying saucer which her tank is sitting atop. Mother Brain announces she wants the power of the lost city, to the surprise of no one.
The N Team arrives via a paddleboat. Mega Man opens a wooden crate filled with gizmos and gadgets. He exposits that getting the stuff from Dr. Right was a good idea. An idea which was Lana's. However, none of them know how they work. Lana is faced with the decision of testing them now and possibly using up power, versus just winging it later. She's convinced that whatever choice she makes will be the wrong one, citing the incident with the cow to back up her trepidations. Then Kevin says not to worry about it so she doesn't. Simon blows a whistle or flute or something, and a bunch of vulture-looking creatures fly in and attack. It's not completely clear if the two events are related. Lana grabs a big gun that shoots corks into the birds' mouths, plugging them up and causing them to fly away. Simon claims this incident is Kevin's fault and says he'd be a better leader. Then he whips a coconut on a nearby tree, which goes flying away and hits Donkey Kong on the nose. Donkey Kong is at this point wearing a jungle camouflage vest and a green helmet. Don't know why he's dressed like that. Guess he's “at war” with his garden.
Simon and Lana fly away using a hang-glider that sticks out of Simon's backpack. The two of them go looking for the lost city while Kevin keeps Donkey Kong busy. The boat goes over a waterfall, but it's okay because everyone puts on these spring boots. Even Kid Icarus. Who can fly.
Simon crashes his hang-glider right in front of a big wooden wall, which he assumes to be part of the lost city. Lana pulls out a map she claims to have gotten from Prince Plenty, but it's really just a compass rose and a picture of a set of blue flames. The pair run through a big wooden door moments before Mother Brain arrives with her cronies. Inside, a vine comes up on Simon and he swings his whip at it. Lana is right next to him and throws her hands up and starts convulsing wildly. Either Simon is centimeters away from whipping her or she's having a stroke. Simon leans on a totem pole which falls over, opening a secret door and causing a boulder to roll towards them. Despite the fact that Simon has ample opportunity to move, Lana has to jump into Simon and push him out of the way at the last second. The boulder stops in a divot carved out just for it. This causes a pedestal to come out of the ground, holding what looks like a gold seashell. There's writing on it and Simon pulls out his “trusty jungle dictionary” to translate. Simon's expert translation is “Do not open or you're gonna be sorry sucka!” No attempt to ham it up, he just cuts straight to the chase. Lana opens the chest, and after being bathed in a pink light, picks up a headdress with tons of pink feathers attached to it.
Mother Brain appears right behind the two and announces the treasure is hers. Lana isn't even the slightest bit surprised by this. She just says “never” without skipping a beat. But the moment she turns around King Hippo snatches the headdress from her. The headdress goes back and forth for a bit between Simon, Eggplant Wizard and King Hippo, until it flies through the air and lands on Lana's head, causing her to glow with more pink energy. You know what they say about pink energy, right?
Kevin and the others come rushing in saying Donkey Kong is right behind them. Lana then says that she's awakened from a thousand year nap, meaning she's got to be possessed by the spirit of Konga. She starts calling people “foolish mortals,” then sics some vines on Eggplant Wizard and King Hippo. The two run off with Mother Brain.
Kevin is pleased about the turn of events and lets out a chuckle. This causes Lana to shout out, “who dares laugh at the mighty Konga!?” Kevin is too thick to realize Lana's been possessed, even though Konga just said as much. Lana seems to come to her senses for a minute and Simon steps forward to deal with the situation. I guess that as a vampire slayer he would have the most experience with possession and ancient spirits. Konga resumes control and ties up Simon in a bunch of vines. Just then, Donkey Kong appears and tears down the big wooden walls of the city. Kevin tells Donkey Kong that they're leaving and grabs Lana's arm. Konga responds by picking Kevin up over his head and throwing him. Konga puts Lana's arms over her head and shoots out a bunch of pink lightning all over the place. A bunch of vines with teeth try to ensnare Donkey Kong, but he rips himself free before running away screaming. Kevin still can't get it through his thick skull that Lana's been possessed, even though Konga keeps says exactly that. Konga shoots a beam of pink light into the water, causing a bunch of mushroom shaped plant-ish objects to rise up. And then a bunch of flowers with teeth start flying using their leaves as wings. Kevin and Kid Icarus shoot stuff until Game Boy says they'd better retreat, so they do, conveniently leaving behind Simon as he's still tied up. Abandoned by the others, Simon has to hop after the rest of his team. He doesn't get far before he trips and falls on his face. When the others realize that Simon isn't with them, Kevin tells Game Boy to go back and make sure both Lana and Simon are okay while they work on a new plan.
Back with Konga, he starts ranting that “animals have ruled the jungle long enough” and “it's time for plants to take over!” Do you even know how a jungle works guy? The plants have basically taken over already. And aren't you being a bit of a hypocrite, since, you know, you're trying to take over and you're not a plant either? Mother Brain is still hanging around and realizes that Eggplant Wizard is a plant, so she sends him over to smooth talk Konga. Konga uses his plant powers to grow stuff, and I think there might be a split second shot of plants tying up a T. rex, but I can't say for certain. Eggplant Wizard approaches and asks to work for him. Konga is about to fry him, but changes his mind and decides to test him instead.
We cut to Donkey Kong, now wearing a hat and a tie with a banana on it. He's picked up a great big wood suitcase and looks like he's about to skip town. Before he can go, Eggplant Wizard comes and lures him away with a trail of giant bananas. Then Konga appears and ties up Donkey Kong with a bunch of vines. Not sure what he needed Eggplant Wizard for there.
Back in Prince Plenty's village, the prince says that if they destroy the headdress then the city will sink into the ground forever. The same guy from before comes in screaming that the lost city has reached the palace. Then a vine picks up both him and Prince Plenty. If you're wondering how a city can move, well, it can't. It's just a bunch of vines and other plants showing up and tearing the place apart. A bunch of weird plant creatures come in, including a T. rex that seems to have been subjugated by Konga and is now wearing foliage. Konga is, of course, riding on top of said T. rex, because seriously who wouldn't? Kevin wonders where Donkey Kong is and is suddenly standing right in front of the big ape. The oversized gorilla is crying and Kevin has to use his power pad to dodge one of the tears. Kevin pulls out his zapper and starts shooting the vines off Donkey Kong, but one vine whips the zapper out of his hand. Then Konga is suddenly standing there on top of his dinosaur. How do you let a dinosaur that big sneak up on you? Kid Icarus shoots an arrow with scissors on it which flies all over Donkey Kong, cutting him free.
Konga jumps down from his dinosaur mount and he sends his minions to battle Donkey Kong and the N Team. This battle scene becomes the basis for our montage as the song “She Freaks Me Out” plays, which is a sound-alike of “Super Freak.” During the song, Donkey Kong wrestles the T. rex off a cliff. Oh, and Kevin gets his zapper back, but that's not nearly as cool and Donkey Kong wrestling a T. rex off a cliff. Kevin is about to be smothered by a bunch of vines when Lana retakes control of her body, takes off the headdress and throws it- right to Eggplant Wizard. Mother Brain flies over and is about to put the headdress on when Donkey Kong reappears out of nowhere, snatches the headdress, and crushes it in his big hairy hands. This causes one final pink light show, and also makes all the plant monsters disappear. Not sure what happened to the T. rex though. Donkey Kong then picks up Mother Brain and her cronies and hurls them over the horizon. Donkey Kong then gestures for the others to leave and Simon finally reappears, with vines still wrapped around him. The big ape pulls on the vines causing them to unravel so fast fast that Simon spins like a top.
Back at the Palace of Power, Lana's feeling good and doesn't remember anything that happened. We then see the two farmers from before who wish to thank Lana for listening to their dispute over that cow. They've agreed to share the cow's milk and butter between the two of them. They also give Lana flowers to commemorate the first year of her rule. Well that absolutely cements that her dad's only been gone a year then. Also a crowd that's either completely offscreen or invisible shouts “Long live Princess Lana!”
Life's Ruff
We start this episode with Luigi walking down the corridors of the Ice Land Castle. He walks into a room to see the king throwing food about. Seems his cook can't tell the difference between duck and turkey. I should point out the king has a big nose and bigger jowls. Oh, and he's human. Luigi explains that he came here because there have been lots of complaints that the king is something of a bully. The king says that's ridiculous, then pulls out a wand and starts shooting at his manservant. He says a dog would make a better servant and said servant walks out of the room muttering about it. Hip and Hop appear behind a pillar in the hallway and get an idea from this exchange. Seems they came here following Luigi on orders from their dad.
The king bellows for his duck, and the servant comes running down the hall when he's jumped by Hip and Hop. Inside the room, Luigi says that the king, who's named Windbag apparently, should stop bullying his staff. Then Hip rushes in carrying the serving tray. He lifts the lid and Hop lunges out, grabbing the wand from Windbag. He tosses it to Hip, who uses it to turn Windbag into a dog. He still has his crown on though. Luigi tries to grab the wand, but Hip passes it to Hop and he also turns Luigi into a dog. A dog with a mustache and green hat.
Hip and Hop jump out the window and as Luigi and Windbag chase them we get our montage for this episode set to “It's A Dog's Life.” The chase ends with all four participants hopping down a warp pipe and emerging in what Luigi immediately identifies as Miami. The dogs spot Hip and Hop riding on the back of a tour guide cart and try to chase after them. The vehicle drives up to a hotel and a gate closes behind, it stopping Luigi and Windbag in their tracks, though they pass through just fine behind the next car. Hip and Hop grab some big hats from a pair of ladies to use as disguises, then run inside the hotel, where they smell food.
Now is as good a time as any to mention that Mario does not appear in this episode at all. In fact, Luigi is the only member of the principle cast to appear in this episode, unless you count Hip and Hop. Because of this, Luigi is the only character to appear in every episode of the series.
Luigi and Windbag sneak over to one of the hotel's windows and see Hp and Hop throwing food at an old lady. As they throw food at other hotel guests, Windbag rushes in and lunges at them, but ends up landing in bowl of lobsters. Live lobsters apparently, because in the next shot you can see them hanging off of Windbag with their claws. As Hip and Hop run off, a man rushes into the room with a net and says, “Did somebody call for the dog-catcher?” No, I don't think anyone did, because the two dogs literally just got there seconds ago. Unless you were called to deal with the Koopas you have no reason to be there. The dog-catcher chases Luigi and Windbag as the pair run up some stairs, out a window and down a slide into the pool, where they bounce off a pool toy and onto a cactus. The dog-catcher then catches up to them and snags Windbag in his net.
Back with Hip and Hop, we see the pair hop into a blue convertible. Luigi lunges at them, but an instant before he catches them the dog-catcher appears out of nowhere and snags Luigi in his net. He doesn’t seem to have seen Hip and Hop at all, or if he did, he figured that a pair of lizard people in a convertible was perfectly normal for Miami. He throws Luigi and Windbag in the back of his truck as Hip and Hop drive off. I'm assuming the owner of that car left their keys in the ignition because I never see either of the twins use their magic to make the car start.
As the twins cruise down the road they turn on the radio and hear a news story about a space shuttle launch at Kennedy Space Center tomorrow morning. They decide to go there, despite the fact that neither of them should know exactly what a space shuttle is. Or know where Kennedy Space Center is. We then see the blue convertible pull up in front of “Florida State Poochitentiary.” I don't know why they show this, because it has nothing to do with the following scene. Hip and Hop don't get out and go inside the Poochitentiary. At this point they're still supposed to be on a rampage. Inside, Luigi and Windbag are being dropped off in a prison cell. And when I say prison cell, I mean that in the most literal sense. It's also filled with other dogs, who Windbag starts pushing around. Luigi comes up with an idea to build a pyramid so they can reach a vent in the ceiling. Windbag commands the dogs to do what he says, but it's not until Luigi barks out a command followed by the word “please,” that the dogs do anything. I'm not sure the lesson here is so much “be polite” as it is “asking for help in the right language is important.” Also, how does Luigi speak dog now? The king reluctantly forms the base of the pyramid as Luigi scampers up into the vent.
Luigi sneaks into the dog-catcher's office and latches onto a ceiling light. Down below, the dog-catcher is fast asleep in front of the TV. A reporter is standing in front of a car wreck as she announces that a red sports car is on a rampage through town heading to Kennedy Space Center. She must be the worst news reporter ever because the car Hip and Hop are driving is clearly blue. Then again she might just be colour-blind. Hip and Hop actually drive right past her and hit a cameraman. Not the cameraman filming the story, but another cameraman off to the side. How could the car wreck she's standing in front of have anything to do with Hip and Hop's rampage if they had just got there? At any rate, thanks to plot convenience television, Luigi now knows where Hip and Hop are headed. Then the light fixture falls down, hitting the dog-catcher on the head and waking him up. Luigi lands on a panel that opens every door in the pound. Sorry. “Poochitentiary.” The dog-catcher grabs Luigi by the tail, but he is soon trampled by the escaping dogs. Luigi and Windbag get into the dog-catching truck and drive away. How they are able to drive as dogs I don't know.
It is about at this point where I believe I first tuned into this episode all those years ago, starting the chain of events that caused these episodes to be recorded and then, decades later, summarized as you see here. Had I not turned on the TV and seen the last bit of this episode, I may have grown up never having seen the Mario Bros. 3 cartoon or Captain N.
Outside the space center, Luigi tries in vain to leap over a chain link fence, but Windbag comes up with the brilliant idea to dig under it. I'd like to point out that the news report on the radio clearly said the launch was tomorrow morning, yet here it's clearly the same day and they're ready to launch. That's two news reporters who suck at their job. By the shuttle we see a bunch of astronauts walking along, until Hip and Hop zap two of them them and drag them off, somehow doing so without alerting the other astronauts. Luigi and Windbag pop out of the ground and see that two of the astronauts are way, way too small for their space suits. Clearly Hip and Hop intend on boarding the shuttle, though I can't imagine what their plan is when they're up there. Maybe they just think space is cool. The dog-catcher appears out of nowhere again and is about to lasso the two dogs with a rope. Luigi and Windbag run around him until he somehow ties himself up with his own lasso. It doesn't just go over his head and pin his arms down, the entire length of rope wraps around him until he can't even hop, though he unties himself quickly enough.
Just as Hip and Hop are about to get on the elevator to the top of the shuttle, Luigi tackles them, grabs the wand and tosses it to Windbag. The first thing Windbag does is put three random dudes to sleep. The dog-catcher runs by them and falls asleep himself, though the way this is shot, it looks like that part was an accident. Then Windbag turns himself and Luigi back into humans and makes a hole in the ground that Luigi tosses Hip and Hop into, announcing it would take them back to Kastle Koopa. Windbag turns the dog-catcher into a dog for all of two seconds before turning him back. He says that the experience might teach him to be a kinder dog-catcher, but he was clearly asleep for the whole experience so I don't see how he could learn a darn thing. Windbag wakes up all the people he put to sleep and makes another warp that he and Luigi hop into.
We briefly cut back to Ice Land Castle, where King Windbag is serving dinner to the servant he was yelling at before. He winks at Luigi and that's it. Episode over.
I actually like the premise presented by “Crimes R Us.” Having a convict teach the kids how to be bad is fun, and the way Bigmouth keeps robbing his siblings at ptooie point is genuinely funny. “The Lost City of Kongoland” shows Lana being possessed by an evil witch-doctor, and though that's an interesting idea, I feel more could have been done with it. We did get to see Donkey Kong wrestle a T. rex off a cliff though. Finally we have “Life's Ruff,” the episode that started it all, at least for me. Looking back on it now, I'd have to say it's pretty average as far as this show is concerned.
That concludes our episode by episode summary of the show, but there are still a few more things to talk about.
