Voltan visits an "inn." The innkeeper warns Voltan that the one armed man is searching for something. Voltan's son yells at a couple of slavers for not rising in the presence of Jack Palance. Voltan likes a man with spirit, vulcan nerve pinches the other one to death, and orders his henchmen to cut the first man's tongue from his head for daring to say that his boss would be told about the death of one of his slavers.
Artie asks if Hawk has ever crossed swords with Voltan. Cue lovey-dovey flashback.
Okay, now that you have the image of Hawk and Voltan getting romantic, you will not unsee it even though that's not what happened. We're flashing back to Hawk and his One True Love, she of the flowing chestnut hair and entirely too much makeup. They've got this whole Flower Children vibe and are snuggling in a vinyard declaring their eternal love for each other.
At this point, I am anxious for her to die if only to stop this Tastes Like Diabetes scene. Voltan walks in on Hawk and his betrothed, and is very angry because obviously Hawk used used his "silver tongue" to turn her against Voltan.
She gives Hawk a cross to protect him. This will never be seen again.
Suddenly, cartridge fed, rapid-fire crossbow. Artie's crossbow is the only likeable thing in this movie.
They must travel through the Forest of Weyr. Or Weir. Or Wyr. Or We're. It's the same damned forest with skulls and cobwebs and shit, only now there's a big styrofoam stone archway. Hawk and Artie ride under the arch and jump-cut magically vanish.
They appear in an obvious sound-stage ominous labyrinth of cobwebs (they sure like their cobwebs in this movie).
Nick: We had a budget, right? Where did it all go? Me: Cobwebs. Obviously cobwebs. Nick: No, Jack Palance. (notices me writing) Hey, stop! I do not want to be a part of this!
The movie screams in pain as Hawk lists off the members of their gaming group: Gort the giant, Crow the elf, and... I don't know. I heard "Baldy" and Nick heard "Balls." Balls is funnier, so Balls it is. Balls is a dwarf. They are all the last of their kind. Of course.
Hawk comments that the place they're at was once a green forest of sunlight, and now it's a place of darkness and evil. Thanks to the only light being the Sword of Retardation, it looks pretty damn green to me. But cobwebby.
Puppet monsters menace them and almost look creepy until they're shown for more than a split second. They jump-cut out of the green lighted place. Quickly riding past a goth poet, they return to the Old Man from Scene 32 witch's cave, and it's time to use the Superman 2 hula-hoop prison as a teleporter to recruit Hawk's gaming buddies.
Next: Klatuu barada oh god I can't believe I'm watching this shit.
