| 1 | [[foldercontrol]] |
| 2 | |
| 3 | [[folder:Season 1]] |
| 4 | ->''Wubba Lubba Dub Dub![[note]]"I am in great pain. Please help me."[[/note]]'' |
| 5 | -->-- '''Rick Sanchez''', various points |
| 6 | |
| 7 | [[AC:Episode 1: Pilot]] |
| 8 | ->''"Listen to me, Morty. I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're lookin' around, and it's all scary and different, but y'know… m-meeting them head-on, charging into 'em like a bull—that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations, I deal with them all the time. Now if you just stick with me, Morty, [[[StealthyColossus a horrific alien monstrosity sneaks up behind Morty]]] we're gonna be— HOLY CRAP, MORTY, RUN!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, MORTY, RUN!! I-I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT THING BEFORE IN MY LIFE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HELL IT IS!! WE-WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE, MORTY, IT'S GONNA KILL US!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE, MORTY!!!"'' |
| 9 | -->-- '''Rick''' |
| 10 | |
| 11 | ->''"I’m sorry, Morty, it’s a bummer. In reality, you’re as dumb as they come. And I needed those seeds real bad, and I had to give them up just to get your parents off my back. So now we’re gonna have to go get more. And then we’re gonna go on even more adventures after that, Morty. And you’re gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Morty. Because the world is full of idiots that don’t understand what’s important. And they’ll tear us apart, Morty. But if you stick with me, I’m gonna accomplish great things, Morty. And you’re gonna be part of them. And together, we’re gonna run around, Morty. We’re gonna- do all kinds of wonderful things, Morty. Just you and me, Morty. The outside world is our enemy, Morty. We’re the only *URP* friends we’ve got, Morty. It’s just Rick and Morty. Rick and Morty and their adventures, Morty. Rick and Morty forever and forever. 100 years, Rick and Morty, some things. Me and Rick and Morty running around, and Rick and Morty time. All day long forever. All a hundred days. Rick and Morty forever a hundred times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. www.rickandmorty.com. www.rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years every minute, rickandmorty.com. www.100timesrickandmorty.com."'' |
| 12 | -->-- '''Rick''' |
| 13 | |
| 14 | [[AC:Episode 3: Anatomy Park]] |
| 15 | ->''That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder—Al-Qaeda, North Korea, Republicans, shriners, balding men that work out, [[TakeThat people on the Internet that are only turned on by cartoons of Japanese teenagers]]. Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday bonus-giving mother— [a screaming Morty jumps on him] Come on! [pushes Morty down on the ground; starts laughing when his bacterium bite his shoulder] Ahh! Get off!'' |
| 16 | -->-- '''Poncho''' |
| 17 | |
| 18 | [[AC:Episode 4: M. Night Shaym-Aliens!]] |
| 19 | ->'''Rick:''' Hey, Jerry, don't worry about it. So what if the most meaningful day of your life was a simulation running at minimum cap''[belch]''acity?\ |
| 20 | '''Jerry:''' You know what, Rick?! Those guys took you for a ride, too! You should try having a bit of respect for the dummies of the universe, now that you're one of us.\ |
| 21 | '''Rick:''' Huh, maybe you're right, Jerry. Maybe you're right.\ |
| 22 | (The alien ship they escaped from explodes.)\ |
| 23 | '''Jerry:''' What the hell! Wh-what happened back there?\ |
| 24 | '''Rick:''' Why don't you ask the smartest people in the universe, Jerry? Oh yeah, ''[belch]'' you can't. They blew up. |
| 25 | |
| 26 | [[AC:Episode 5: Meeseeks and Destroy]] |
| 27 | ->'''Meeseeks:''' Just try to relax!\ |
| 28 | '''Jerry:''' '''You''' try to relax! Have you ever '''''tried''''' to relax?! It is a '''''paradox'''''!'' |
| 29 | ---- |
| 30 | ->''Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain.'' |
| 31 | -->-- '''Mr. Meeseeks''' |
| 32 | |
| 33 | [[AC:Episode 8: Rixty Minutes]] |
| 34 | ->'''Morty:''' Can I show you something?\ |
| 35 | '''Summer:''' Morty, no offense, but a drawing of me you made when you were eight isn't gonna make me feel like less of an accident!\ |
| 36 | '''Morty:''' ''[points outside]'' THAT, out there? That's my grave.\ |
| 37 | '''Summer:''' ''[confused]'' Wait, what?\ |
| 38 | '''Morty:''' On one of our adventures, Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world. So we bailed on that reality and we came to this one. Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed. And in this one, we were dead. So we came here, a-an-an-and we buried ourselves and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast 20 yards away from my own rotting corpse!\ |
| 39 | '''Summer:''' So... you're not my brother?\ |
| 40 | '''Morty:''' I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says, "Don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. ''[beat]'' ...Come watch TV?'' |
| 41 | [[/folder]] |
| 42 | |
| 43 | [[folder:Season 2]] |
| 44 | [[AC:Episode 2: Mortynight Run]] |
| 45 | ->''[Hands Morty his card] I have no code of ethics, I will kill anyone, anywhere. Children, animals, old people, doesn't matter. I just love killin'.'' |
| 46 | -->-- '''Krombopulos Michael''', an actual [[CardCarryingVillain Card-Carrying Villain]] |
| 47 | |
| 48 | [[AC:Episode 3: Auto Erotic Assimilation]] |
| 49 | ->'''Rick:''' ''(alarm beeps)'' Oh, yeah, distress beacon! ''[burp]'' Yeah, baby!\ |
| 50 | '''Summer:''' You're excited about that?\ |
| 51 | '''Rick:''' The first rule of space travel, kids, is always check out distress beacons. Nine out of ten times, it's a ship full of dead aliens and a bunch of free shit!\ |
| 52 | '''Summer and Morty:''' Whoa!\ |
| 53 | '''Rick:''' One out of ten times, it's a deadly trap, but I'm ready to roll those dice. |
| 54 | ---- |
| 55 | ->'''Morty:''' Uh, what's that?\ |
| 56 | '''Rick:''' This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the Korblocks.\ |
| 57 | '''Summer:''' That's horrible!\ |
| 58 | '''Rick:''' I hear you, man. [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Cops are racist.]] |
| 59 | ---- |
| 60 | ->''"Um, first of all, hello. Uh, my name is Blim Blam the Korblok. Second of all, cards on the table, I'm a murderer that eats babies, and I came to this planet to eat babies. However, I am also carrying a highly infectious disease that I suppose you could call "space AIDS" as you put it, and Rick did chain me up so that he could attempt to cure it. [Beth serves Jerry] At the same time, Rick's motivation to cure my disease was not to save my life or anyone else's, but to patent and sell the cure for billions of Blemflarcks. [Jerry serves back] But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall? [confronts them] And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet?! BECAUSE THE TWO OF YOU ARE THE FUCKING WORST!!! You both hate yourselves AND each other!! And the idea that it has ANYTHING to do with Rick is laughable. I'd laugh but I'm biologically incapable. That's how alien I am! And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "WHAT THE FUCK!?!" So good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with EITHER of you. Blim Blam OUT. [he mic-drops the device and leaves, only to come back for the device] You know what? I'm taking this."'' |
| 61 | -->-- '''Blim Blam''', on Beth and Jerry's marriage |
| 62 | ---- |
| 63 | ->''"Wait, wait, stop! H-Hold it! Not like this. We need a hang glider, and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father."'' |
| 64 | -->-- '''Rick''' |
| 65 | ---- |
| 66 | -> '''Unity:''' Do you know what I love about you, Rick? You're the only single mind I've met that really sees the big picture.\ |
| 67 | '''Rick:''' You got that right. But, baby, listen y-you're talking about taking over planets and galaxies. You got to got to just remember to let go sometimes, you know? \ |
| 68 | '''Unity:''' I can let go. Hey, look. You see that town across the river? Watch this. ''[Bombs the town]''\ |
| 69 | '''Rick:''' Whoa! Ha ha! Whoo! Whoa! That's not what I meant!\ |
| 70 | '''Unity:''' ''[laughing]'' It's okay. It's okay. I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look.\ |
| 71 | '''Unity as the citizens who fled the town:''' Hey! We're right here. We're fine.\ |
| 72 | '''Rick:''' ''[laughs]'' Oh, that was awesome. ''[chuckles]'' My -- my grandkids weren't in that town, right? A-are my grandkids alive? Hey, M-my drink is empty. |
| 73 | ---- |
| 74 | ->''"Unity, I'm sorry. I didn't know freedom meant people doing stuff that sucks. I was thinking more of a 'choose your own cellphone carrier' thing."'' |
| 75 | -->-- '''Summer''' |
| 76 | ---- |
| 77 | ->'''Unity:''' Rick, is there a way for you to call Summer and Morty? I feel bad that they--\ |
| 78 | '''Rick:''' Pbht. Screw those guys. Ugh. I'll be right back. Don't waste your brain on those weirdos, Unity. They're no different from any of the aimless chumps that you occupy. They just put you at the center of their lives because you're powerful. And then because they put you there, they want you to be less powerful. Never gonna happen though, right?\ |
| 79 | '''Unity as everyone in the room:''' Never.\ |
| 80 | '''Rick:''' Never. Back in a flash. |
| 81 | ---- |
| 82 | ->''Rick, forgive me for doing this in notes. I'm not strong enough to do it in persons. I realize now that I'm attracted to you for the same reason I can't be with you. You can't change. And I have no problem with that, but it clearly means I have a problem with myself. I'm sure there's no perfect version of me. I'm sure I'll just unify species after species and never really be complete. But I know how it goes with us. I lose who I am and become part of you. Because in a strange way, you're better at what I do without even trying.\ |
| 83 | Yours, and nobody else's,\ |
| 84 | Unity.\ |
| 85 | P.S., I don't know where those coal miners were before they were assimilated. You might want to get checked.'' |
| 86 | -->-- '''Unity''' |
| 87 | |
| 88 | [[AC:Episode 6: The Ricks Must Be Crazy]] |
| 89 | ->'''Morty:''' Oh boy, what's wrong, Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something?\ |
| 90 | '''Rick:''' "Quantum carburetor"? Jesus, Morty, you can't just add a ''[burp]'' sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. [[HypocriticalHumor Huh, looks like something's wrong with the microverse battery.]] |
| 91 | ---- |
| 92 | ->'''President Chris:''' Zeep, this is Rick. The ''alien''!\ |
| 93 | '''Zeep:''' ''(Mock thoughtfully)'' Rick the alien... Rick the alien...\ |
| 94 | '''Rick:''' Really? You're gonna pull ''that'' move? I guided your entire civilization! Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving! They teach kids about me in school!\ |
| 95 | '''Zeep:''' I dropped out of school. [[IronicEcho It's not a place for smart people.]]\ |
| 96 | '''Morty:''' [[LampshadeHanging Oooooooh snap!]] |
| 97 | ---- |
| 98 | ->'''Miniverse scientist:''' So he made a universe... and that guy is from that universe. And that guy made a universe. And that's the universe where I was born... Where my father died... Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working... on my universe.\ |
| 99 | '''Morty:''' [Laughs] Yeah. Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. You know, one time, Rick sh-- accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. You know, I mean, like, old-lady science, you know? She's a real-- You got to hang on tight, you know? Because she-- she'll-- She bucks pretty hard. Ooh, boy, what--\ |
| 100 | '''Miniverse scientist:''' ''[[[DrivenToSuicide gets on ship and crashes it into the mountain, dying in the process]]]''\ |
| 101 | '''Morty:''' Oh, my God, no! |
| 102 | ---- |
| 103 | ->''All of you have loved ones. All can be returned. All can be taken away. Please step away from the vehicle. Keep Summer safe.'' |
| 104 | -->-- '''Rick's Car''', after employing "emotional countermeasures" |
| 105 | ---- |
| 106 | ->'''Zeep:''' [[SayMyName RIIIICK!]]\ |
| 107 | '''Morty:''' ''(To Rick)'' Don't do it.\ |
| 108 | '''Rick:''' ''(Taking off his coat)'' You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.\ |
| 109 | (Fight scene, Rick beats Zeep near to death.)\ |
| 110 | '''Rick:''' ''[Spits on Zeep]'' Class dismissed. |
| 111 | |
| 112 | [[AC:Episode 7: Big Trouble in Little Sanchez]] |
| 113 | ->'''Summer:''' Grandpa, I think that when you put your mind into this body's young brain, it did what young brains do—it shoved the bad thoughts into the back and put a large wall around them. But those bad thoughts are the real Rick. The fact that you're old, the fact that we're all going to die one day, the fact that the universe is so big, nothing in it matters—those facts are who you are! So you're trapped in there and you can only come out in the form of Tiny Rick's teen angst!\ |
| 114 | '''Tiny Rick''': Well, Summer, I hear Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks. Can't think of anyone that is. I'll see you motherfuckas at the dance! Tiny Rick!\ |
| 115 | '''Summer:''' Morty, you have to help me!\ |
| 116 | '''Morty:''' Summer, he's happy! I'm happy! I-I-Is that why you're doing this?! You don't want me and Rick to be happy?!\ |
| 117 | '''Summer:''' No!\ |
| 118 | '''Morty:''' Well, then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack—all your shit, so it's together. ''[leaves, then comes back]'' And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it, o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together! ''[leaves, then comes back again]'' Get your shit together. ''[leaves]'' |
| 119 | |
| 120 | [[AC:Episode 10: The Wedding Squanchers]] |
| 121 | ->''Uh, hi everyone, I'm Ri[burp]ick. [Rick pulls out a notecard] You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was... uh... [[[ThrowingOutTheScript Crumples up notes and starts to ad-lib]], [[FreezeFrameBonus just as it was scripted on the note]]]. Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe. Because I'm the ''smartest'', and being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets. Now, I haven't been exactly subtle about how little I trust marriage. ''I'' couldn't make it work, and I can turn a black hole into a sun, so, at a certain point, you have to ask yourself, "What are the odds that this is legit, and not some big lie we're telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone?" Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die: alone. (Groaning from Rick's family.) But, but! Here's the thing: Birdperson is my best friend. And if he loves Tammy, then I love Tammy too. To friendship! To love! And to my greatest adventure yet: opening myself to others!'' |
| 122 | -->-- '''Rick Sanchez''', wedding toast |
| 123 | ---- |
| 124 | ->'''Prisoner:''' What are you in for?\ |
| 125 | '''Rick:''' Everything. |
| 126 | [[/folder]] |
| 127 | |
| 128 | [[folder:Season 3]] |
| 129 | [[AC:Episode 1: The Rickshank Redemption]] |
| 130 | -> ''You know the worst part about inventing teleportation? Suddenly, you're able to travel the whole galaxy, and the first thing you learn is, you're the last guy to invent teleportation.'' |
| 131 | -->-- '''Rick Prime''' |
| 132 | ---- |
| 133 | -> '''Rick Prime:''' Imagine doing anything you want, then hopping to a timeline where you never did it. Imagine going anywhere, anytime, with nobody able to stop you.\ |
| 134 | '''Past Rick:''' Sounds lonely.\ |
| 135 | '''Rick Prime''': ''Lonely''? Dude, you have yourself -- your infinite selves. It's a nonstop party where all the guests are the only person we like. You think it's cool being the smartest man on Earth, but once we give you this technology, you become the smartest thing in every conceivable universe -- the Infinite Rick, a god.\ |
| 136 | '''Past Rick:''' Eh, pass.\ |
| 137 | '''Rick Prime:''' Excuse me? Bro, Ricks don't ''pass'' on this. Who do you think you are?\ |
| 138 | '''Past Rick:''' A different kind of Rick, I guess. |
| 139 | ---- |
| 140 | ->'''Morty:''' I wanted you to have a normal life. That's something that you can't have when Rick shows up. Everything real turns fake, everything right is wrong, all you know is that you know nothing and he knows everything. And, well... well, he's not a villain, Summer, but he shouldn't be your hero. He's more like a demon or a super fucked up god.\ |
| 141 | '''Riq IV:''' Let's not suck the ghost of his dick ''too'' hard. He was a terrorist, and now he's dead.\ |
| 142 | '''Morty:''' Oh yeah, if you think my Rick's dead, he's alive, and if you think you're safe, he's coming for you! |
| 143 | ---- |
| 144 | ->'''Rick:''' Not so fast, Morty. You heard your mom, we've got adventures to go on, Morty, just you and me. And sometimes your sister, and sometimes your mom, but ''never'' your dad. You wanna know why, Morty? Because he crossed me.\ |
| 145 | '''Morty:''' OK, take it easy Rick, th-th-that's dark.\ |
| 146 | '''Rick:''' Oh, it gets darker, Morty. Welcome to the darkest year of our adventures! First thing that's different: no more Dad, Morty. He threatened to turn me in to the government, so I made him and the government go away.\ |
| 147 | '''Morty:''' [[OhCrap Oh fuck]].\ |
| 148 | '''Rick:''' I've repla(''belches'')aaced them both as the de facto patriarch of your family, ''and'' your universe. Your mom wouldn't have accepted me if I came home without you and your sister, so now you know the ''real'' reason I rescued you. I just took over the family, Morty! And if you tell your mom or sister I said any of this, I'll deny it, and they'll take my side because I'm a hero, Morty! And now you're gonna have to go and do whatever I say, Morty! Forever! And I'll-and I'll-I'll-I'll go out and I'll find some more of that ''WesternAnimation/{{Mulan}}'' szechuan teriyaki [[BrickJoke dipping sauce]], Morty! Be-because that's-that's what this is all about, Morty! Th-th-that's my [[Series/TheFugitive one-armed man]]! I'm not driven by [[YouKilledMyFather avenging my dead family]], Morty, [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial that was fake]]! I-I-I'm driven by finding that [[UsefulNotes/McDonalds McNugget]] sauce! I want that ''Mulan'' [=McNugget=] sauce, Morty! That's my [[StoryArc series arc]], Morty! If it takes [[BreakingTheFourthWall nine seasons]], I want my [=McNugget=] dipping sauce szechuan sauce, Morty! That's what's gon-what's gonna take us all the-\ |
| 149 | '''Morty:''' What are you talking about?\ |
| 150 | '''Rick:''' -end, Morty! Season-nine more seasons, Morty! Nine more seasons until I get that dipping szechuan sauce! [[ContinuityNod For 97 more years]], Morty! I want that [=McNugget=] sauce, Morty! |
| 151 | |
| 152 | [[AC:Episode 3: Pickle Rick]] |
| 153 | ->''"Rick, the only connection between your unquestionable intelligence and the sickness destroying your family is that everyone in your family - you included - use intelligence to justify sickness. You seem to alternate between viewing your own mind as an unstoppable force, and as an inescapable curse, and I think it’s because the only truly unapproachable concept for you is that it’s your mind - within your control. You chose to come here, you chose to talk - to belittle my vocation - just as you chose to become a pickle. You are the master of your universe, and yet, you are dripping with rat blood and feces, your enormous mind literally vegetating by your own hand. I have no doubt that you would be bored senseless by therapy, the same way I'm bored when I brush my teeth and wipe my ass. Because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is: it’s not an adventure; there’s no way to do it so wrong you might die. It’s just work, and the bottom line is: some people are okay going to work, and some people - well, some people would rather die. Each of us gets to choose."'' |
| 154 | -->-- '''Dr. Wong''' |
| 155 | |
| 156 | [[AC:Episode 5: The Whirly Dirly Conspiracy]] |
| 157 | ->'''Jerry:''' You self-righteous piece of shit! You took my family!\ |
| 158 | '''Rick:''' I took ''your'' family!? Who do you think had more taken from them when you shot 20 CC's of liquid dream killer into my daughter?! She was ''Rick's'' daughter, Jerry! She had ''options''!\ |
| 159 | '''Alien Snake:''' Oof.\ |
| 160 | '''Rick:''' That all ended because she felt ''sorry'' for you! ([[RuleOfSymbolism Snatches an alien fly from the air and crushes it]]) You act like prey, but you're a predator! You use pity to lure in your victims! It's how you survive! I survive because I know everything, that snake survives because children wander off, and ''you'' survive because people think "Oh, this poor piece of shit! He never gets a break! I can't stand the deafening silent wails of his wilting soul! I guess I'll hire him, or marry him!" |
| 161 | ---- |
| 162 | ->'''Beth:''' (after Morty has just crushed her phone beneath his feet) ''Morty!''\ |
| 163 | '''Morty:''' Don't you "Morty" me! I tricked Rick into taking Dad on an adventure because I thought I could get a break from this kind of shit! But no! Like father like goddamned daughter! You wanna be like Rick!? Congratulations! You're just as arrogant and just as irresponsible! {...} Kissing Rick's ass isn't going to keep him around, Mom. But it will help you lose everyone else! |
| 164 | |
| 165 | [[AC:Episode 7: The Ricklantis Mix-up]] |
| 166 | ->'''Host Rick:''' Candidate Morty: the number of displaced Mortys is soaring, while Rick satisfaction levels are plummeting, and the divide between the two groups has never been wider. [[ImpossibleTask Solve that one real quick.]]\ |
| 167 | '''Candidate Morty:''' I don't see a divide between Ricks and Mortys.\ |
| 168 | '''Retired General Rick:''' Ooh, shocker. ''[Fart]''\ |
| 169 | '''Reverse Rick Outrage:''' I'd like to offer a rebuttal: ''[Fart]''.\ |
| 170 | '''Rick Guilt Rick:''' Gentlemen, gentlemen. I think we can all agree on one thing: ''[Two Farts]''. Well, it came out as two things, but you get the idea.\ |
| 171 | '''Candidate Morty:''' You guys finished? The division I see is between the Ricks and Mortys that like the Citadel divided, and the rest of us. I see it everywhere I go. I see it in our schools, where they teach Mortys that we're all the same because they're threatened by what makes us unique. I see it in our streets, where they give guns to Mortys so that we're too busy fighting each other to fight ''real'' injustice. I see it in our factories, where Ricks work for a fraction of their boss's salary, even though they're identical and have the same IQ. The Citadel's problem isn't homeless Mortys or outraged Ricks. The Citadel's problem is the Ricks and Mortys feeding on the Citadel's death. But I've got a message for them, from the Ricks and Mortys keeping it alive. A message, from the Ricks and Mortys that believe in the Citadel, to the Ricks and Mortys that don't. You're outnumbered! |
| 172 | ---- |
| 173 | ->(After Cop Morty has destroyed a building to kill 3 Mortys and destroy any evidence of what happened.)\ |
| 174 | '''Cop Rick:''' What happened in there?\ |
| 175 | '''Cop Morty:''' Same old story: Mortys killing Mortys.\ |
| 176 | (Later, after Cop Rick has killed Cop Morty, and other Cop Ricks are arriving on the scene.)\ |
| 177 | '''Cop Rick #2:''' The hell happened in there?\ |
| 178 | '''Cop Rick:''' ''[Surrendering]'' Same old story: Ricks killing Mortys. |
| 179 | ---- |
| 180 | ->'''Fat Morty:''' There it is: the Wishing Portal. They say, for your wish to come true, y-you have to give up something really important. For me, that's my panini maker. I wish for a million sandwhiches! ''[Tosses his panini maker into the Wishing Portal]'' And yes, I see the irony.\ |
| 181 | '''Lizard Morty:''' I guess I wish that I had something cooler than this dumbass surfer necklace. ''[Tosses his necklace]''\ |
| 182 | '''Glasses Morty:''' I wish that incest porn had a more mainstream appeal. F-for a friend of mine. ''[Tosses a harmonica]''\ |
| 183 | '''Slick Morty:''' None of those things are going to happen, you know. Morty wishes never come true. Not on the Citadel.\ |
| 184 | '''Lizard Morty:''' Then, why did you bring us here?\ |
| 185 | '''Slick Morty:''' [[TemptingFate Because I wish that would change!]] [[BeCarefulWhatYouWishFor I wish that anything about this life would change!]]\ |
| 186 | '''Glasses Morty:''' Well, I hope you're putting something pretty goddamn important in there.\ |
| 187 | '''Slick Morty:''' Me too. [[DrivenToSuicide But I doubt it.]]\ |
| 188 | ''[Slick Morty throws himself into the Wishing Portal]'' |
| 189 | ---- |
| 190 | -> ''"This seems like a good time for a drink, and a cold, calculated speech with sinister overtones. A speech about politics, about order, brotherhood, power. But speeches are for campaigning. Now is the time for action."'' |
| 191 | -->-- '''President Morty/[[spoiler:Evil Morty]]''' |
| 192 | |
| 193 | [[AC:Episode 9: The ABC's of Beth]] |
| 194 | ->'''Summer:''' That's you, dad! That's you! You're a baby and an idiot!\ |
| 195 | '''Jerry:''' I think that has been established, now help me!\ |
| 196 | '''Summer:''' First, I want you to admit that you're a closeted racist, a beta male sexist, and that you dragged everyone into a horrible situation by only thinking of yourself.\ |
| 197 | '''Jerry:''' Ok.\ |
| 198 | '''Summer:''' I want to hear you say it.\ |
| 199 | '''Jerry:''' *sigh* Look, I'm a closeted racist and I'm sexist and selfish and I dragged us all into my racist sexist bad things because I'm stupid.\ |
| 200 | '''Summer:''' Thank you.\ |
| 201 | '''Jerry:''' Now you're gonna help me?\ |
| 202 | '''Morty:''' She just did.\ |
| 203 | '''Summer:''' Yeah, clean up your own mess.\ |
| 204 | * Summer and Morty leave the car* |
| 205 | ---- |
| 206 | -> '''Beth:''' Dad? I feel like I've spent my life pretending you're a great guy and trying to be like you. And the ugly truth has always been...\ |
| 207 | '''Rick:''' ...that I'm not that great a guy and you're exactly like me.\ |
| 208 | '''Beth:''' Am I evil?\ |
| 209 | '''Rick:''' Worse. You're smart. ''[Pause]'' When you know nothing matters, the universe is yours. And I've never met a universe that was into it. The universe is basically an animal. It grazes on the ordinary. It creates infinite idiots just to eat them, not unlike your friend Timmy.\ |
| 210 | '''Beth:''' Tommy.\ |
| 211 | '''Rick:''' Yeah, it hardly matters now, sweetie. ''[Pause]'' You know, smart people get a chance to climb on top, take reality for a ride, but it'll never stop trying to throw you. And, eventually, it will. There's no other way off. |
| 212 | |
| 213 | [[AC:Episode 10: The Rickchurian Mortydate]] |
| 214 | -> '''POTUS''': "You lying dicks! I see your asses playing VideoGame/{{Minecraft}}! I got you on satellite! That's right. What do you have to say for yourselves? \ |
| 215 | '''Morty''': "Okay, obviously, this looks bad, Mr.President."\ |
| 216 | '''Rick''': "I mean, [[SarcasmMode what doesn't look bad]] through an [[SinisterSurveillance illegal spy satellite?]]"\ |
| 217 | '''POTUS''': "Don't high-road me. The two of you break 1,000 federal laws a day.\ |
| 218 | '''Morty''': "Wow, really?"\ |
| 219 | '''Rick''': "[[IllTakeThatAsACompliment That's pretty cool]]."\ |
| 220 | '''POTUS''': "[[NominalHero And, yes, yes, yes, yes, you save the world now and then]]. [[TheCommissionerGordon America returns that favor by not holding the two of you accountable to its laws]]."\ |
| 221 | '''Rick and Morty''': (mockingly) "Oh! Oh!"\ |
| 222 | '''Rick''': "[[BlatantLies Oh, God. We-We didn't know you saw it that way]]."\ |
| 223 | '''POTUS''': "Well, it's nobody's fault. We never had "[[SlaveToPR the talk]]," so to speak."\ |
| 224 | '''Rick''': "Yeah. I mean, the way we see it, [[SmugSuper when we show up, that's the favor]]. To you."\ |
| 225 | '''Morty''': "Especially, you know, when it turns out you wanted someone to come over just because you found an "[[Series/TheXFiles X-Files]]" monster in your basement."\ |
| 226 | '''Rick''': "As for the reason you've never, like," (Laughs) "arrested us, [[BewareTheSuperman we assumed you just knew that it was impossible]], like, [[BadassBoast if you tried]]. You know, [[ShameIfSomethingHappened it wouldn't go well]]."\ |
| 227 | '''POTUS''': (Pause), (replying with gritted teeth) "[[IsThatAThreat Wouldn't go well? Can you elaborate?]]" \ |
| 228 | '''Rick''': "[[LoopholeAbuse I think one of your 1,000 laws says, no, I can't elaborate]]. Just trust me. [[ImpliedDeathThreat None of us want to go there]].\ |
| 229 | '''Morty''' "[[GoodCopBadCop Which we'll never have to]]. [[TokenGoodTeammate By the way, we'll keep on saving the Earth]]. You know, we're We're happy to do that.\ |
| 230 | '''Rick''': "Yeah, [[NotInThisForYourRevolution but not because it contains America]]. [[ExpendableAlternateUniverse Because moving to a new version of Earth is a bitch and a half]]." |
| 231 | ---- |
| 232 | -> '''Rick''': ''(carrying an assault rifle)'' This ends now.\ |
| 233 | '''Beth''': Dad, if you're my dad. Of course, you're not my dad. You're here with a gun because I am a clone. I guess I have all your daughter's memories. So I guess I was her, which makes me related to her. But I don't relate to her. She left her family and me, which means I relate to them. So if you kill me, fine. You're not killing her. [[ArmorPiercingResponse But you're killing a real family]]. And instead of doing that, [[ArmorPiercingQuestion will you just go away?]] [[ExpendableAlternateUniverse Aren't there, like, infinite time lines?]] [[ArmorPiercingQuestion Can't you just move to one where I don't know I'm a clone and where a different but identical version of your authentic sociopathic crazy bitch of a daughter can keep making you proud by being somewhere else?]]\ |
| 234 | '''Rick''': Beth, you crazy bitch. You're my daughter. ''(drops the assault rifle in defeat)'' I brought this here to kill Jerry.\ |
| 235 | '''Beth''': Oh, my God! ''(sighs in relief, as Morty and Summer come and hug her)''\ |
| 236 | '''Jerry''': Jesus Christ!\ |
| 237 | '''Rick''': Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You win, Jerry. You ''win''! [[AlwaysSomeoneBetter No amount of genius can stop your dumb mediocre vacuous roots]] from digging into everything and everyone around you and draining them of any ability to fend you off.\ |
| 238 | '''Jerry''': [[IllTakeThatAsACompliment Well, it couldn't have been easy for you to say that. I appreciate it]].\ |
| 239 | '''Rick''': Morty, where's my portal gun? Let's get out of here.\ |
| 240 | '''Morty''': [[IChooseToStay I'm staying here, Rick]].\ |
| 241 | '''Rick''': Are you...?! Ugh! Nobody gets it. [[StrawNihilist Nothing you think matters matters. This isn't special. This-this is happening infinite times across infinite realities]].\ |
| 242 | '''Summer''': Including this? ''(farts)''\ |
| 243 | '''Rick''': ''Yes!'' ...[[ActuallyPrettyFunny Which is not to say that, subjectively, it wasn't funny]].\ |
| 244 | '''Morty''': Are you going to stay?\ |
| 245 | '''Rick''': There's infinite time lines, Morty. Why would I stay in the one where I trashed the White House, became an enemy of America [[MadeMyselfSad and the lowest-status character in my idiot family]]?\ |
| 246 | '''Summer''': [[AwLookTheyReallyDoLoveEachOther Because of the fart]]? |
| 247 | [[/folder]] |
| 248 | |
| 249 | [[folder:Season 4]] |
| 250 | |
| 251 | [[AC:Episode 1: Edge of Tomorty: Rick Die Rickpeat]] |
| 252 | ->'''Morty''': Hey, uh, sorry I didn't listen to you and... tried to kill the whole world and stuff. Guess I gotta learn how to live in the moment a little more.\ |
| 253 | '''Rick''': Oh boy, so you actually learned something today? What is this, ''Series/FullHouse''? I was living in the moment all day, and it kept getting me killed by Nazis. I think you have to think ahead and live in the moment. |
| 254 | |
| 255 | [[AC:Episode 2:The Old Man and the Seat]] |
| 256 | ->''"There he is, there's our guy! Congrats, Tony! Have fun with your stupid toilet that you get to use all by yourself now! Enjoy using it all by yourself while you sit there and think about how nobody wants to be around you, and how you ruin it for yourself because you're a huge piece of shit! Look at you sitting there, King Shit on his throne of loneliness! Enjoy this toilet with a thousand of me screaming every time you take a shit! All hail his majesty, the saaaaaaddest piece of garbage in the entire cosmos! Long live the big bad doo-doo daddy! May his reign last a thousand years!"'' |
| 257 | -->-- '''Hologram Rick''' |
| 258 | |
| 259 | [[AC:Episode 3: One Crew over the Crewcoo's Morty]] |
| 260 | ->''"Your boos mean nothing! I’ve seen what makes you cheer!"'' |
| 261 | -->-- '''Rick''' |
| 262 | |
| 263 | [[AC:Episode 5: Rattlestar Ricklactica]] |
| 264 | ->'''Morty''': I'm dying, Rick. I can see the black mountain.\ |
| 265 | '''Rick''': People who are really dying don't keep bringing it up.\ |
| 266 | '''Morty''': Is that true?\ |
| 267 | '''Rick''': I don't know. I'm just usually around people that die faster. All right. All right. J-Just let me analyze the snake's planet, so I can whip up an antivenom. Computer, you might want to put a rush on this. Morty's starting to look like a '90s Japanese ghost. |
| 268 | |
| 269 | [[AC:Episode 6: Never Ricking Morty]] |
| 270 | ->'''Morty''': Why can't we find the engine?\ |
| 271 | '''Rick''': It's not a real train, it's a story device. Literally. A literal literary device. Quite literally metaphorically containing us.\ |
| 272 | '''Morty''': A simulation.\ |
| 273 | '''Rick''': Worse. An anthology. |
| 274 | |
| 275 | [[/folder]] |
| 276 | |
| 277 | [[folder:Season 5]] |
| 278 | |
| 279 | [[AC:Episode 2: Mortiplicity]] |
| 280 | -> "No, you don't get to be annoyed with this! You treat life and family as ''so'' burdensome, and yet, you created an ocean of us because you're terrified of losing either!" |
| 281 | -->-- '''Muppet Beth''', calling out Muppet Rick on making decoys of the family |
| 282 | |
| 283 | [[AC:Episode 7: Gotron Jerrysis Rickvangelion]] |
| 284 | -> "Oh my God, we made a giant incest-baby! Oh my God, you might be a clone. I exist because you guys failed to abort me. We get the family we get, not the one we want, and if you want to keep the one you got, ''get your asses into some anime spacesuits!''" |
| 285 | -->-- '''Summer''' |
| 286 | |
| 287 | [[AC:Episode 9: Forgetting Sarick Mortshall]] |
| 288 | ->''"Oh shit! ''Rick and Two Crows''! Kicking off my new franchise! The galaxy is our telephone wire! We'll do a thousand seasons, fourteen episodes each night, nine seconds a pop, because that's the future of viewing! Shows on your shoes! Sneakies! That's when you've got everybody's attention, when they're putting crap on their feet! That's when they wanna laugh, cry or feel anything besides a shoe going on their foot! Watch sitcoms on your sneakers! ''The Rick and Two Crows Show''! We're gonna be laying... laying walnuts on the road for... car tires to open 'em! Y'know what I mean? Forever! ''Rick and Two Crows'', forever!"'' |
| 289 | -->-- '''Rick''' |
| 290 | |
| 291 | [[AC:Episode 10: Rickmurai Jack]] |
| 292 | ->'''Evil Morty:''' Do you know what the Central Finite Curve is? They built a wall around infinity. They separated all the infinite universes from all the infinite universes where he's the smartest man in the universe. Every version of us has spent every version of all of our lives in one infinite crib, built around an infinite fucking baby. And I'm leaving it. That's what makes me "evil": being sick of him. If you've ever been sick of him, you've been evil too. \ |
| 293 | '''Morty:''' Rick... did you really leave the crows for me? Or did you come back because they dumped you? \ |
| 294 | ''[Rick, closing his eyes in shame, gives no answer]''\ |
| 295 | '''Evil Morty:''' There you go, kid. Now you're Evil Morty too. Sooner or later, we all are, on this side of the Curve. |
| 296 | [[/folder]] |
| 297 | |
| 298 | [[folder:Season 6]] |
| 299 | |
| 300 | [[AC:Episode 1: Solaricks]] |
| 301 | ->'''Rick:''' Ugh... Guess this is how it ends. Thought I was better than this... [[LampshadeHanging Dramatic voiceover while stranded in space?...]] I guess when you're dying, the first thing to go is your creativity... The Citadel's gone, and the saucer we escaped in is out of power...\ |
| 302 | '''Alternate Morty:''' ''[roaming around the ruins of the Citadel]'' Oh man, I'm so scared in here...\ |
| 303 | '''Rick:''' The extra Mortys went feral... Some problems solved themselves. Been drinking a lot... ''[sees Morty twirling his portal gun in his hand]'' Morty, I told you to write this down, I don't have a helmet like that ''Avengers'' guy did!... Been drinking a lot of my piss. Portal gun's still broken...\ |
| 304 | '''Morty:''' Guess that was all part of Evil Morty's plan...\ |
| 305 | '''Rick:''' "Evil Morty"... Can we stop flattering this guy?! His plan was to monologue and fuck off. He basically threw a tantrum to announce he was quitting Twitter.\ |
| 306 | '''Morty:''' Nobody quits Twitter... |
| 307 | |
| 308 | [[AC:Episode 10: Ricktional Mortpoon's Rickmas Mortcation]] |
| 309 | ->'''Morty:''' Wow... Are those all the places Rick Prime could be?\ |
| 310 | '''Rick:''' I wish, Morty. It's all the places he ''is.''\ |
| 311 | '''Morty:''' Aw geez...\ |
| 312 | '''Rick:''' Welcome to my darkness! I spent my ''life'' hunting this guy, Morty! This is the '''closest''' I've ever been to catching this Rick Prime!! It's '''IMPOSSIBLE''', he... He's an incredibly crafty piece of shit! Hunting him ''destroyed'' me, Morty! But now we're gonna do it together! '''You and me!!!''' It's gonna take over your life, Morty!! Rick and Morty Season 7, hunting my nemesis!! Maybe trying to stay healthy while doing it, juggling plates!! Not every episode, Morty, it could be all happening in the background, who knows?! Y'know, n-no one will, except us!! I-It's '''the most PAINFUL shit I've ever had to deal with''', and I'm fucking bringing you into it, because you '''asked''' for it, Morty!!! '''YOU AND ME, MORTY!!!''' |
| 313 | [[/folder]] |
| 314 | |
| 315 | [[folder:Season 7]] |
| 316 | [[AC:Episode 5: Unmortricken]] |
| 317 | ->'''Rick Prime:''' ''[laughs]'' Let's do this then!\ |
| 318 | ''[Rick C-137 starts [[NoHoldsBarredBeatdown brutally beating him]]]''\ |
| 319 | '''Rick Prime:''' You're ''welcome'' by the way! I ''made'' you. I showed you infinity!\ |
| 320 | ''[C-137 screams in anger, continues beating him]''\ |
| 321 | '''Rick Prime:''' ''[coughs]'' And what did you do with it?! Hang out with ''my'' grandson? Raise echoes of ''my'' daughter?!\ |
| 322 | ''[C-137 screams again, continuing the beating]''\ |
| 323 | '''Rick Prime:''' ''[laughs]'' What's your ''life'' without me?!\ |
| 324 | '''Rick C-137:''' [[PreMortemOneLiner Let's find out.]]\ |
| 325 | ''[the beating continues, until Prime's [[FacialHorror face is mangled almost beyond recognition]]]''\ |
| 326 | '''Rick Prime:''' ''[choked laughter]'' [[NotSoDifferentRemark Admit it! You would've]] ''[[NotSoDifferentRemark been]]'' [[NotSoDifferentRemark me!]] I just walked into your garage before you walked into mine! ''But eventually you did! '''[[SuddenlyShouting YOU LIVED IN MY HOUSE!]]'''''\ |
| 327 | ''[Prime laughs, gurgling on his own blood, [[DieLaughing before falling silent]] as C-137 continues to beat him]'' |
| 328 | |
| 329 | [[AC:Episode 10: Fear No Mort]] |
| 330 | ->'''Morty:''' So, what are you? Like, the Hole? The Hole's promoter? The Hole's intern?\ |
| 331 | '''The Hole Guy:''' Is there a hole here?\ |
| 332 | '''Morty:''' Right, I'm-I'm supposed to go in there and be shocked that there's no hole or that there ''is'' a hole? What difference would it make?\ |
| 333 | '''The Hole Guy:''' Hm... You ''are'' hard to scare.\ |
| 334 | '''Morty:''' And Rick isn't, right? Th-the hole's gonna like, suck on him forever because his big secret is that he's got the most fear?\ |
| 335 | '''The Hole Guy:''' Well, we can certainly say you're not afraid to be ''reductive.'' I doubt your grandpa has more fear than the average asshole in the Denny's...\ |
| 336 | '''Denny's customer:''' Hey!\ |
| 337 | '''The Hole Guy:''' Sorry. If anything, he seems pretty brave. Surely not afraid to die. Maybe that makes his fear extra... ''Delicious.''\ |
| 338 | '''Morty:''' So what? He's scared of love?\ |
| 339 | '''The Hole Guy:''' Everyone's scared of love, dipshit. You learn that in your 20's. It takes a very brave, very ''powerful'' being to be terrified of happiness.\ |
| 340 | '''Morty:''' Dumb.\ |
| 341 | '''The Hole Guy:''' ''You're'' dumb. That's why you're not scared to be happy. The smarter you are, the more you know. Happiness is a trap, it can't last forever. Let's say you meet the love of your life. Well, it's still gonna end. It's inevitable, whether by the slow pull of a disease or a shock of loose footing in a hiking trail. Would it be the corrosion of two personalities that reshape each other until they're incompatible, or maybe the old stranger in a bar who says the things that need to be said to ''that'' person ''that'' night. The point is: '''happiness always ends.''' Best case scenario, think about this, best case, is that you ''die'' at the same time. Yikes.\ |
| 342 | '''Morty:''' Can't the Hole just let me go then? Sounds like I don't matter.\ |
| 343 | '''The Hole Guy:''' You don't. But if you go, you'll take him away. Don't worry, Rick will die before accepting happiness. After that, we'll chase you with some clowns or dumb shit like that. But ''grandpa!'' Yummy-yummy grandpa's gonna die... '''Just... Like... Diane.''' |
| 344 |
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