Line #79 Literature/SorcererConjurerWizardWitch


1	"Sorcerer Conjurer Wizard Witch" is a novella in the ''Literature/DiogenesClub'' series by Creator/KimNewman.
2
3	It is the 1930s, and dark mutterings are coming from Europe, where Hitler has recently come to power. For the Diogenes Club, however, that's a problem for another day; they're engaged in a covert struggle against Colonel Zenf, the Great Enchanter, a DiabolicalMastermind gathering his forces for a secret Wizarding War.
4
5	Charles Beauregard, the Chairman of the Diogenes Club, receives a troubling message from an unexpected source, warning that there is a Rat in the ranks: one of the Ravens, the four powerful magic users who are the linchpins of England's magical defence, has gone bad and sold out to the Great Enchanter. Edwin Winthrop and Catriona Kaye are dispatched to discreetly investigate and identify the Rat: is it Sorcerer, Conjurer, Wizard, or Witch?
6	----
7	!!This story contains examples of:
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9	* ActorRoleConfusion: All of Madame Tussaud's waxworks of famous murderers are magically animated and sent out into the city to sow havoc. In a bit of secondary havoc, a drunken man attacks the actor Ivor Novello, mistaking him for a waxwork of the serial killer depicted in the film ''Film/TheLodger''. Novello angrily points out that not only was it only a film, he didn't even play the serial killer, but the innocent man who was falsely accused.
10	* AllPartOfTheShow: {{Murderous Mannequin}}s attack Margery Device, the Witch, at a cocktail party she's holding. When she successfully fends them off with the help of Edwin and Catriona, most of the guests assume it's one of her famously elaborate floor shows.
11	* AmbiguouslyHuman: TheMenInBlack who work for the Undertaking. They appear to be human, but they all have strange physical or behavioural quirks (not to mention whatever is hidden behind the SinisterShades), and theories about them vary from "they were humans before they were recruited, then something happened during their training" to "new Undertakers aren't recruited, they're grown in vats fertilized by the remains of their predecessors".
12	* AndImTheQueenOfSheba: Charles says that if Colonel Zenf is really the great peacemaker he's publicly reputed to be, [[Literature/SherlockHolmes Moriarty]] was just a humble professor of mathematics.
13	* Area51: The Mausoleum seems to be a shout out, rather fittingly considering [[TheMenInBlack whose base it is]]. It's located in rather desolate heathlands, about as close to the Arizona desert as the British Isles can get.
14	* ArmyOfTheAges: The armies of Shadow London. The Great Enchanter has all the mythical Barbarians at the Gate: "Vikings, French infantry, Roman legionnaires, ragged cavaliers, fire-spreaders, shaggy Anglo-Saxons, Martian squid-vampires, rowdies from the country and Prussian Uhlans". The good guys have "redcoats with muskets, knights in armour, tommies in tin hats, roundheads and cavaliers shoulder to shoulder, bloods and blades, pearly kings and queens, costers, tarts, loafers, brawlers, football fanatics with scarves and rattles, the ''haut ton'' and the ''demi-monde'', air-raid wardens, firemen, peelers, bobbies, Bow Street Runners, Chelsea pensioners, dandies, strollers and -- yes! -- Dick Whittington's Cat."
15	* ArsonMurderAndJaywalking: The list of sinister activities Zenf has been associated with includes arms dealing, fascism, riots, scandalous deaths, pornography, ethnic cleansing, and the musical career of Music/GeorgeFormby.
16	* AsLongAsThereIsEvil: This seems to be the case for the Great Enchanter; whenever one Great Enchanter is killed or incapacitated, a new one arises to take over.
17	* BatmanGambit: Mycroft's contingency plan to deal with the Great Enchanter Colonel Zenf is based on people doing certain things if they believe certain facts to be true. It proceeds pretty much exactly according to plan, despite the fact that when Zenf emerges, Mycroft's been dead for fifteen years.
18	* BewitchedAmphibians: Played with -- Margery Device, the Witch, is rumoured to have turned a badly-behaved guest into a toad. Edwin says what actually happened is that he contracted a rare tropical skin condition that gave him a toad-like appearance.
19	* BleepDammit: [[Literature/BlandingsCastle The Earl of Emsworth]]'s profanity-laced tirade is dashed out, as it would have been in a work of the period if it were included at all. However, the first and last letter of each word is left in, and there's exactly one dash for each omitted letter (e.g. "b[=----=]r") so any reader can fill in the blanks if they have the vocabulary.
20	* BookEnds: The story begins with Charles visiting the Undertaking's ExtranormalPrison to question Geneviève, and ends with him visiting the prison to start the questioning of Zenf. It's even mentioned that Zenf has been given the same cell Geneviève was held in.
21	* CallForward:
22	** Pondering the history of the Great Enchanters, Charles wonders if they don't "crawl full-grown out of filthy water, bereft of a past". We don't learn if this is true of Zenf, but it's exactly how his successor, Derek Leech, makes his entrance in ''Literature/TheQuorum''.
23	** The guests at Margery's party include a railway magnate named Lord Kilpartinger who appears to be under some kind of curse. His story is told more fully in "Literature/TheManWhoGotOffTheGhostTrain".
24	** Another of Margery's guests is the notorious [[Literature/SherlockHolmes Colonel Moran]], with Charles remarking that he's surprised Moran's not dead yet. The story of his eventual death is also in "Literature/TheManWhoGotOffTheGhostTrain".
25	** One of Margery's bits of celebrity gossip involves vigilante Dr Shade acquiring a new sidekick, IntrepidReporter Penny Stamp. In "The Original Dr Shade", written earlier but set later than this, Penny Stamp is recalled as Dr Shade's sidekick during the Nazi-thumping phase of his career.
26	* ChekhovsGun: The Diogenes Club has a collection of contingency plans bequeathed to it by the late great Mycroft Holmes. Charles goes through it to see if Mycroft foresaw anything applicable to the current situation, but finds nothing. Much later, it is revealed that Mycroft did write up a contingency plan for just this occasion, but gave it to someone outside the Diogenes Club because part of the plan was [[WeWouldHaveToldYouBut for the Diogenes Club to be caught off-guard so the Great Enchanter would believe things were going his way]].
27	* CircleOfStandingStones: The Undertaking's headquarters is built in a meteor crater surrounded by a circle of standing stones, "the Neolithic equivalent of the 'Danger--Keep Out' signs put up at the site of a bad fire or a subsidence in the road".
28	* ClusterBleepBomb: [[Literature/BlandingsCastle Lord Emsworth]] unleashes an expletive-filled rant (dashed out) when faced with somebody who has no interest in pigs. Edwin reflects on how much Creator/PGWodehouse must tone down the language in his books.
29	* ContinuityNod:
30	** During his visit to the Undertaking's ExtranormalPrison at the beginning of the story, Charles recalls the Club's earlier encounters with them in "Literature/AngelDownSussex" and "Literature/TheGypsiesInTheWood".
31	** The list of Zenf's known associates includes Declan Mountmain, the villain Charles Beauregard tangled with in "Seven Stars".
32	** There are several mentions of the Splendid Six and their leader Blackfist, who featured in "Literature/ClublandHeroes".
33	** One of Zenf's and Persano's predecessors was Leo Dare, the villain of "A Drug on the Market". Another was Nicholas Goodman, from "Mildew Manor".
34	** At a point where all hands are being metaphorically called on deck to help deal with the developing crisis, there's a cameo by the protagonist of ''Literature/TheSecretsOfDrearcliffGrangeSchool''.
35	* CoolCar: Beauregard has a Bentley and the Undertaking has a Black Mariah (a contemporary police vehicle, usually used as a hearse).
36	* CoolBike: Dr Shade's motor cycle, which Edwin borrows, has built-in boosters, flamethrowers, and flare guns, and is specifically engineered with counterbalance systems and leg protectors and so on to permit extreme leaning turns and other such stunts.
37	* CreepyCrows: There's a small flock of friendly ravens (the ones who live in the Tower of London) and a much larger flock of murderous crows commanded by Zenf. It's noted that there isn't really an actual difference between ravens and crows.
38	* DirectLineToTheAuthor: At least one edition of the story includes explanatory endnotes that at one point are blanked out with a note saying that a portion has been omitted by order of the current Chair of the Diogenes Club.
39	* EnemyMine:
40	** The previous Great Enchanter was such a grave threat that the Diogenes Club and the Undertaking formally joined forces, with the lead MIB being temporarily inducted into the Ruling Cabal of the Club and Charles temporarily serving as an MIB himself, and at the final push "no fewer than fifteen of the world's premier magicians, occult detectives, psychic adventurers, criminal geniuses and visionary scientists set aside profound differences" to work together and defeat him.
41	** In the current crisis, the Diogenes Club and the Undertaking again pool resources, though the crisis is averted before it gets serious enough for the same degree of formal alliance.
42	* ExternallyValidatedProphecy: One of Margery Device's items of gossip involves Wallis Simpson's relationship with the Prince of Wales; at the time this story is set, it's just getting off the ground, but Margery correctly predicts its future course.
43	* ExtranormalPrison: The Undertaking's Mausoleum, originally founded during the reign of Elizabeth I to house a couple of evil magicians who refused to go quietly even after their heads were cut off. They're still in residence, along with the other prisoners the Undertaking have acquired in the subsequent centuries.
44	* FakeFaint: Zenf's female accomplice covers his exit from a meeting with Charles by pretending to faint and knocking Charles over.
45	* FameThroughInfamy: In a conversation with Geneviève about what the Diogenes Club knows of UsefulNotes/JackTheRipper, Edwin says that this was the Ripper's motivation.
46	-->'''Geneviève:''' Who was he?\
47	'''Edwin:''' No one. That was his problem... A pathetic, vicious little man became a legend.
48	* FiveSecondForeshadowing: Played for laughs. Colonel Zenf, at a gathering of underground figures, reaches into his pocket for his cigarette case and casually remarks that some pickpocket seems to have triggered the poisoned blade booby trap built into it. At that exact moment, the poison takes effect and a man standing nearby collapses, foaming at the mouth.
49	* AFoggyDayInLondonTown: Shadow London, where the mythical places and characters of the city live on, is naturally shrouded in fog. Edwin notes the difference between the fog of Shadow London, "thick mist, odourless but damp, arranged in artful drapes", and the real London's fog, which is "yellow-green and foul".
50	* GadgetWatches: It's strongly implied that there's something interesting about Charles Beauregard's pocket watch "with the intricate crystal workings." The Undertaking refuse to let him into their HQ while carrying it, and he ''certainly'' refuses to let them look after it while he's there. Sadly, the glossary page explaining what it ''does'' has been censored by the current Diogenes chairperson.
51	* {{Ghostapo}}: There's a passing mention that Hitler has revived the Thule Society, an occult group that often features in this trope.
52	* HistoricalDomainCrossover: The villain magically animates waxworks from Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, including Burke and Hare, Dr Crippen, Charlie Peace, George Joseph Smith (the "Brides in the Bath" killer) and -- this being the Diogenes universe -- [[Literature/TheHoundOfTheBaskervilles Rodger Baskerville]] and Literature/VarneyTheVampire.
53	* IndyHatRoll: Edwin escapes under a lowering portcullis in the nick of time ''on a motor cycle'', leaning over so far to fit under that he'd certainly have fallen off if it hadn't been a CoolBike borrowed from [[TheCowl a sinister vigilante]] who had it designed specifically to be able to pull off stunts like that.
54	* InspirationNod: The fellow cabal member Charles butts heads with over the future running of the Diogenes Club is named Tarr, which is also the name of the character in ''Literature/TinkerTailorSoldierSpy'' who brings the warning that one of four highly-placed people is a double agent.
55	* ItWillNeverCatchOn: Edwin is perplexed that Dr Shade is so paranoid as to have "an ingenious hobbling device" padlocked to his motor-cycle, as if something so hard to fence would be stolen.
56	* LandmarkingTheHiddenBase: It is mentioned that one of Dr Shade's secret lairs is in the clock tower at the Palace of Westminster.
57	* LegacyCharacter: The Ravens -- Sorcerer, Conjurer, Wizard, and Witch -- the mystic guardians of London, are the latest to stand in roles that have existed since the 11th century.
58	* MagiciansAreWizards: The Great Edmondo, "Conjurer", is a stage magician who also possesses real and powerful magic.
59	* MajorInjuryUnderreaction: One of the Men in Black, under attack by murderous crows who have already torn a strip of skin off his face, merely comments, "Ouch."
60	* TheMenInBlack: The agents of the Undertaking dress all in black and always wear dark glasses. It's rumoured that they're not entirely human, and on at least some of them the glasses hide something horrible. They monitor paranormal activity and maintain an ExtranormalPrison.
61	* MissingReflection: The vampire Geneviève appears in mirrors as a shadow or a smudgy and vaguely human-shaped cloud of smoke.
62	* MisterStrangenoun: The agents of the Undertaking include Mr Hay, Mr Bee, Mr Eye, Miss Jeye, Mrs Elle, Mr Arrh, Mr Esse, and Master Wuh.
63	* MurderousMannequin: A group of wax figures from Madame Tussaud's is magically animated and sent out to cause trouble as a distraction.
64	* MythologyGag: This story features the first meeting and team-up of Charles Beauregard and Geneviève Dieudonné in the Diogenes Club timeline, and as such includes several nods to their different history in the ''Literature/AnnoDracula'' timeline, where they met and became friends in the 1890s during Dracula's invasion of England. There are several moments where they ponder what might have been had they met in different circumstances, and a scene where Geneviève talks about Dracula's scheme and how it failed in this timeline. When Charles is going through the Club's collection of contingency plans created by the late great Mycroft Holmes, he finds one labelled "In the event of the marriage of the sovereign to an evil consort with supernatural powers"; just such a contingency occurred in ''Anno Dracula'', and Charles was a key player in Mycroft's plan for dealing with it. Among other protections, Charles carries a silver scalpel in his notecase; a silver scalpel played a key role in the case in ''Anno Dracula''. In ''Anno Dracula'', Charles and Geneviève first teamed up to crack the mystery of UsefulNotes/JackTheRipper; a scene in this story has Geneviève discussing the (completely different) solution to the mystery in this timeline.
65	* NinjaBrat: Master Wuh is the Undertaking's British-style version of one.
66	* NotWhatItLooksLike: Geneviève, a vampire suspected of being in the service of the Great Enchanter, is found by Edwin and Catriona kneeling over a man they've come to interview, liberally splatted with the blood spurting out of his neck. "You probably think this looks suspicious," she says. She's actually trying to save his life.
67	* OmnicidalManiac: Isadore Persano, the previous Great Enchanter, was planning to destroy time and space itself. It's not clear what he expected to get out of it, and after the plan was thwarted he wasn't in a condition to answer questions.
68	* PoisonIsCorrosive: A poisoned drink is knocked out of the hand of the person about to drink it, and the liquid starts eating into the floor.
69	* PronouncingMyNameForYou:
70	** The headquarters of the Undertaking is the Mausoleum -- "by tradition, 'Mouse-o-lay-um' not 'Maws-o-lee-um'".
71	** Margery Device, the current Witch of London. Edwin makes clear that her name is pronounced more like "Davis".
72	* RampJump: During the pursuit in Shadow London, the antagonists start raising Tower Bridge to block the motor cycle with Edwin and Geneviève on it, and Edwin does a ramp jump to clear it. Because Shadow London is a realm of myths and legends, it's taken to an extreme where the ramp is up nearly vertical when the motor cycle's wheels grab air, and it still clears the distance and sticks the landing.
73	* SecretWar: The various Weird Wars. Every so often an evil Great Enchanter arises, and it's the Club's job to put him down again.
74	-->If won, it would only be written of in the secret histories. If lost, there would be no more histories, secret or otherwise.
75	* SilverBullet: Edwin is armed with silver bullets in case Geneviève is less friendly than she appears. He's told that in field tests the bullets have been demonstrated to stop "vampires, zombies, your common shapeshifters, ghouls, sundry revenants, and some of the more physical species of ghost" -- not to mention normal people.
76	* SinisterShades: The agents of the Undertaking all wear dark glasses. Charles has seen what they're hiding behind them, and has no desire to see it again.
77	* SomeoneHasToDoIt: This appears to apply to the Great Enchanter -- whenever one Great Enchanter is incapacitated (not necessarily killed -- the Great Enchanter who was defeated in 1903 is still around, but incurably insane), another one soon appears to take his (or occasionally her) place. When the heroes manage to capture Zenf alive at the end of the story, they decide to try keeping him in a comfortable cell in the ExtranormalPrison in the hope that along as he's alive and well they won't have to deal with a successor. (A later story in the series reports that Zenf lived on for another thirty years before peacefully popping his clogs, and that the next Great Enchanter showed up immediately afterward.)
78	* SpringHeeledJack: Jack is among the wax statues brought to life for a HistoricalDomainCrossover. [[OccultDetective Edwin]] drops a quick throwaway line about how much trouble he was to put down in real life.
79	* StockUnsolvedMysteries: During a discussion of Shadow London, where the mythical places and characters of the city live on, Edwin says that not only does UsefulNotes/JackTheRipper live on in Shadow London, but it's actually the man himself, who used his murders as part of a ritual that gave him immortality as a legend. When the ritual succeeded, Jack [[RetGone ceased to exist as a real person]], all evidence of his existence disappearing. Mycroft had apparently figured out who he was, but failed to prevent him completing the ritual, and now nobody else will ever solve the mystery because there's literally nothing to go on.
80	* ATrueStoryInMyUniverse:
81	** There's a reference to "the biographer" of Mycroft's more famous brother, i.e. Creator/ArthurConanDoyle.
82	** Winthrop bumps into [[Literature/BlandingsCastle the Earl of Emsworth]] unleashing a ClusterBleepBomb and reflects how much Creator/PGWodehouse has to clean up the Earl's language.
83	* TWordEuphemism:
84	** [[Literature/BlandingsCastle Lord Emsworth]] has a lengthy dashed-out complaint about a fellow guest at the party who "shows no f----n' interest" in pigs.
85	** The Great Edmondo also has a bit of a mouth on him off-stage (though nothing like Emsworth's level), letting out a "b----r" and referring to his predecessor as a "slippery b----d".
86	* UnEqualRites: The Ravens all have specific job titles.
87	** "Witch" is a gossipy high society lady who sometimes does [[FortuneTeller tea leaf readings]]. Her role is to know all the city's stories and secrets.
88	** "Conjuror" is a stage magician and apparently TheBigGuy of the group. MagiciansAreWizards appears to be the theme, as his predecessor was a carnival performer.
89	** "Sorcerer" is the deputy [[CourtMage Astrologer Royal]] (despite Cat's correction, Edwin seems quite sure that "Astrologer" is the appropriate term here, not "Astronomer"). He apparently keeps a tab on various {{Eldritch Abomination}}s who might be roused should the stars become right.
90	** "Wizard" is an old kook who watches the literal ravens at the Tower of London. He can access and protect London's "shadow", a parallel universe where all local legends are real.
91	* VillainWithGoodPublicity: Colonel Zenf has a public reputation as an international diplomat and philanthropist, with honors from several nations including Great Britain, which limits what the Diogenes Club can do openly to act against him.
92	* WeDidntStartTheFuhrer: Nodded to and averted; Zenf has nothing to do with Hitler, although when Edwin tells Catriona the Great Enchanter is an Austrian former soldier, she thinks at first he means Hitler and asks if that isn't a bit obvious.
93	* WeWouldHaveToldYouBut: When the existence of Mycroft's contingency plan to deal with Zenf is revealed at the end, it includes a letter to be delivered to Charles after it's all over, apologising for leaving him out of the loop and explaining that the Diogenes Club's part of the plan was to be genuinely caught off-guard so that Zenf would believe things were going his way and not anticipate an attack from the people to whom Mycroft entrusted the active part of the plan.
94	* WholePlotReference: To ''Literature/TinkerTailorSoldierSpy''.

Context Literature / SorcererConjurerWizardWitch