Line #40 Funny/VanHelsing


1	!!From the movie:
2	* In the one year ago Dr. Frankenstein flashback, Dr. Frankenstein sees the mob outside his window and suddenly Dracula stands right behind him, scaring the living bejesus outta him.
3	-->'''Dracula''': [[StealthHiBye SUCCESS!!!]]\
4	'''Frankenstein''': ''(screams then sighs)'' Count, it's just you...
5	* After hearing Dracula's EvilPlan for his creation, Dr. Frankenstein insists he'd rather kill himself than help in such a thing. Dracula, in a hilariously deadpan tone, tells the doctor to go ahead as [[YouHaveOutlivedYourUsefulness he no longer has any need of Frankenstein's services]]:
6	-->'''Frankenstein''': Good God! I would kill myself before helping in such a task!
7	-->'''Dracula''': [[DeadpanSnarker Feel free]]. I don't actually need you anymore, Victor.
8	* The Cardinal reads Van Helsing the riot act for shattering the Rose Window in Notre Dame Cathedral.
9	-->'''Van Helsing:''' [''Entering the confessional''] Bless me, Father, for I have-\
10	'''Cardinal:''' ''Sinned, yes!'' [''Van Helsing [[ThisIsGonnaSuck grimaces]]''] You're ''very'' good at that! You shattered the Rose Window!\
11	'''Van Helsing:''' Not to split hairs, but it was Mr. Hyde who did the shattering.\
12	'''Cardinal:''' 13th century... over ''600 years old!''... [[DeadpanSnarker I wish you a week in Hell for that]].\
13	'''Van Helsing:''' It would be a nice reprieve.
14	** Let it be said the window only shattered because Mr Hyde was ''thrown into it''.
15	* Carl whining about going to Transylvania.
16	-->'''Van Helsing''': The Order tells you to keep me alive (''throws his stuff at Carl'') for as long as possible.\
17	'''Carl''': (''terrified'') But I'm not a field man! Van Helsing? I don't wanna go to Transylvania!
18	* After Frankenstein's Monster was forced outside and into a horse carriage:
19	-->'''Van Helsing''': I warn you; don't stare at him.\
20	''(he opens the door, Frankenstein's Monster nearly growls)''\
21	'''Carl''': (''terrified'') I'm staring at him. ''(quickly turns 180)'' Is that a ''man''?!\
22	'''Van Helsing''': Actually, it's ''seven'' men - ''parts'' of them, anyway.\
23	'''Frankenstein's Monster''': By exposing me, you have ''condemned'' me! '''[[NoIndoorVoice ME AND ALL OF HUMANITY!!!]]''' ''(Gabriel and Anna simply close the door on him)''
24	* One of the brief conversations between Velkan and Dracula:
25	-->'''Velkan''': I would rather die than help you!\
26	'''Dracula''': [[DeadpanSnarker Oh, don't be boring]]. [[CallBack Everyone who says that dies]].
27	* A good portion of the fight scene between Van Helsing and Mr. Hyde. Y'know, when it wasn't NightmareFuel. Special mention goes to Hyde throwing Van Helsing around by the cord of his grapple gun after Van Helsing shoots it through his stomach.
28	* Dracula and Igor after the werewolf returns and Igor starts attacking it with an electrified prong:
29	-->'''Dracula''': Igor?\
30	'''Igor''': Yes, master?\
31	'''Dracula''': Why do you torment that thing so?\
32	'''Igor''': ItsWhatIDo.
33	* After breaking into the castle:
34	-->'''Van Helsing:''' You're going to take these two and lead them to the antidote.\
35	'''Igor''': No. I'm ''not''.\
36	''(Van Helsing roars and slams him against a wall, '''hard''')''\
37	'''Igor''': Yes. I ''am''.
38	** Before this, when the heroes see Igor passing by, you can hear him complaining about his master -- "Igor do ''this'', Igor do ''that''!"
39	** Even better is the exchange immediately after Van Helsing grabs Igor.
40	---> '''Igor:''' Please don't kill me!\
41	'''Van Helsing''': Why not?\
42	'''Igor:''' Well... I... uh...
43	* A drive-by hilarious quote--after Carl tests the nitroglycerin, freaking everyone out with the explosion, you can hear one of the priests in the background indignantly shouting: "What in the name of Allah is '''''wrong''''' with you?!"
44	-->'''Carl''': The air around here is ''THICK'' with envy...
45	** Even funnier is that Carl starts apologizing immediately after causing the ruckus-- he knew he'd piss off everyone with this little stunt.
46	* When Carl is outfitting Van Helsing with his gear and new inventions, Van Helsing takes a moment to admire some swords on a rack, which Carl scoffs at:
47	-->'''Carl:''' Oh, any idiot can make a sword!\
48	'''Blacksmith:''' [''Whips around with a glowing hot blade from the forge, sporting a DeathGlare''] Hey!\
49	'''Carl:''' [''Instantly timid''] Oh! Sorry, Father.
50	* Van Helsing ending his SherlockScan of what Frankenstein's Monster looks like with this exchange:
51	-->'''Van Helsing''': ''(rattling off the monster's features)'' ... he has a bad gimp in his right leg and... ''(OhCrap look in his face)'' ... three copper teeth. ''(reaches for his gun)''\
52	'''Anna''': ''(confused)'' How do you know he has copper teeth? ''[[EnemyRisingBehind (As Frankenstein's monster is coming up behind her)]]''\
53	'''Van Helsing''': ''(quickly)'' Because he's standing right behind you; MOVE!
54	* A bit that comes across as funny mainly because of the MoodWhiplash after a tragic scene; Anna, in the wake of her brother's death and learning Van Helsing has been bitten by Velkan while still a werewolf backs away...and [[FailedASpotCheck completely misses that she's standing next to an]] ''[[FailedASpotCheck extremely]]'' [[FailedASpotCheck pissed-off Aleera]], and when Anna finally realises she's not alone, she's barely turned round before the vampire knocks her out cold.
55	* When Dracula reveals that ''everyone'' in attendance at the masquerade ball in his summer residence - the musicians, the dancers, the performers- are all vampires and sets them after the heroes, Van Helsing quickly makes a break for it...while Anna grabs a nearby mace from a suit of armour (with the gauntlet still attached) and starts swinging it, clearly raring for a fight, prompting Van Helsing to double back and effectively drag her out of the ballroom.
56	** And then seconds later, they find Carl, who's delighted he's figured out a use for his sunlight bomb, only to be then horrified when he discovers their escape plan:
57	-->'''Carl''': ''[holding up the device]'' Ah, now I know what it's for! Now I know what it's for! ''([[DelayedReaction Carl realises Anna and Van Helsing are running straight at him]])'' Where are we going?
58	-->'''Van Helsing & Anna''': ''(simultaneously)'' Through that window! ''(Carl turns around and [[OhCrap sees the window]] as Anna and Van Helsing grab him by the arms and jump through it)''
59	* After Van Helsing has been bitten by a werewolf and Carl explains they have 48 hours to find a solution:
60	-->'''Van Helsing''': Sounds like I have nothing to worry about.
61	-->'''Carl''': Oh my God, you should be terrified!
62	-->'''Van Helsing''': (''{{beat}}'') ''[[SarcasmMode Thank you.]]''
63	* When the werewolf is loose...
64	-->'''Carl:''' Why does it smell like wet dog in here?
65	* When a bride tries to swoop down and snatch Van Helsing, he jumps and she grabs a cow instead. Poor Daisy gets thrown through a nearby roof with a surprised "MOOOOOOO!"
66	** More hilariously, the cow is alive and well on the porch of the building it was thrown through and giving Carl a look that seems to say "What the fuck just happened?" once the fight itself is over.
67	* From the gag reel:
68	-->'''Dracula''': I give you... [[Music/VanHalen VAN HALEN]]!
69	** Another example from the GagReel. Hugh Jackman mentions how he'd "never trip" and then it cuts to numerous instances of him tripping and falling.
70	** Another funny blooper: as Van Helsing is taking out his blowpipe to put Frankenstein's monster to sleep before confronting Dracula in Budapest, Jackman is just slightly too rough with it and accidentally breaks the prop, giving an embarrassed laugh when he realizes what happened.
71	* Shortly after Velkan attacks the heroes, Van Helsing tracks him to the local cemetery where the undertaker from earlier in the film is digging a new grave because "you never know when you might need a fresh one," and then he tries to wallop Van Helsing with his shovel. When Van Helsing blocks him and points a gun at his face, he quickly gives a not-too-convincing apology, then is immediately killed as Van Helsing ducks out of the way of Velkan leaping at him from behind. The undertaker rolls ''perfectly'' into one of the graves he just dug, his shovel sticks into the ground, and his hat lands on the shovel. That's ''just'' [[NarmCharm the kind of corniness that makes this movie great]]!
72	* Aleera taunts Anna one time too many and gets a stake right through the heart. A stake which Anna was only able to catch because Aleera taunted her too long.[[note]] Which is a tongue-in-cheek reference to a similar moment in Film/TheGoodTheBadAndTheUgly. [[/note]]
73	--> '''Anna:''' I think if you're going to kill someone, ''kill them''! Don't stand around talking about it!
74	** Anna of course wisely says the above ''after'' she's already stabbed Aleera.
75	* Our first proper introduction to Aleera is her zooming out of the well in the village and carrying her off, literally with her foot. She then taunts "do you like to FLY, Anna" and cackles so much that she doesn't notice Anna pulling out a knife and slicing her foot to free herself.
76	** Anna is then immediately caught by Verona, who we can assume was lying in wait, probably knowing Aleera would mess up that way.
77	** She then has to save Marishka's ass minutes later when Carl nearly armed Van Helsing with holy water because she was too busy taunting. She tells Marishka to hurry up and kill him in a tone of voice that says "I'm SurroundedByIdiots".
78	* EvilIsPetty in action. Aleera sneaks up behind Anna and Carl in the room with the werewolf cure, and scares them with her NightmareFace.
79	--> '''Aleera:''' Did I scare you?
80	--> '''Carl:''' (''shaking his head a little too much'') [[BlatantLies No]].
81	** She then takes too long to cackle once again, and again Anna just pushes the jar full of acid (?) over so that it breaks and splashes all over Aleera's face.
82	* Velkan attacks the carriage, sending Van Helsing and Anna dangling over either side. Carl opens the door to help, and gets a start when he realises that his side is now at the edge of a cliff.
83	--> '''Carl:''' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint What are you doing out here?]]
84	--> '''Anna:''' Carl!
85	* Van Helsing gives Anna a weapon to keep Igor in line, saying to clip off one of his fingers if he tries to betray them. Anna says [[GroinAttack "I'll clip off something"]]. And later, she brandishes the thing at him to get Igor to hurry up.
86
87	!!From the animated prequel:
88	* From the animated prologue; the amazing holy water super soaker.
89	* In the animated prequel, one of the fights between Van Helsing and Hyde ends with Van Helsing on an out-of-control train. He gets it to stop just as it arrives at a station where Carl is waiting.
90	--> '''Carl:''' Van Helsing? How'd you get here?
91	--> '''Van Helsing:''' [[DeadpanSnarker I put on the brakes]].
92
93	!!Meta
94	* During the scene when Anna confronts the werewolf in Castle Valerious, she pulls a flintlock pistol from a case and pulls back the hammer. While filming the scene, Stephen Sommers said the "click" of the hammer needed to be louder, and told Creator/KateBeckinsale ''"I need a bigger cock."'' She looked at him, then at the gun, and deadpanned, ''"[[DoubleEntendre Don't we all]]."''

Context Funny / VanHelsing