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Funny / Van Helsing

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  • In the one year ago Dr. Frankenstein flashback, Dr. Frankenstein sees the mob outside his window and suddenly Dracula stands right behind him, scaring the living bejesus outta him.
    Dracula: SUCCESS!!!
    Frankenstein: (screams then sighs) Count, it's just you...
  • After hearing Dracula's Evil Plan for his creation, Dr. Frankenstein insists he'd rather kill himself than help in such a thing. Dracula, in a hilariously deadpan tone, tells the doctor to go ahead as he no longer has any need of Frankenstein's services:
    Frankenstein: Good God! I would kill myself before helping in such a task!
    Dracula: Feel free. I don't actually need you anymore, Victor.
  • The Cardinal reads Van Helsing the riot act for shattering the Rose Window in Notre Dame Cathedral.
    Van Helsing: Not to split hairs, but it was Mr Hyde who did the shattering.
    • Let it be said the window only shattered because Mr Hyde was thrown into it.
  • Carl whining about going to Transylvania.
    Van Helsing: The Order tells you to keep me alive (throws his stuff at Carl) for as long as possible.
    Carl: (terrified) But I'm not a field man! Van Helsing? I don't wanna go to Transylvania!
  • After Frankenstein's Monster was forced outside and into a horse carriage:
    Van Helsing: I warn you; don't stare at him.
    * he opens the door, Frankenstein's Monster nearly growls*
    Carl: (terrified) I'm staring at him. (quickly turns 180) Is that a man?!
    Van Helsing: Actually, it's seven men - parts of them, anyway.
    Frankenstein's Monster: By exposing me, you have condemned me! ME AND ALL OF HUMANITY!!! (Gabriel and Anna simply close the door on him)
  • One of the brief conversations between Velkan and Dracula:
    Velkan: I would rather die than help you!
    Dracula: Oh, don't be boring. Everyone who says that dies.
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  • A good portion of the fight scene between Van Helsing and Mr. Hyde. Y'know, when it wasn't Nightmare Fuel. Special mention goes to Hyde throwing Van Helsing around by the cord of his grapple gun after Van Helsing shoots it through his stomach.
  • Dracula and Igor after the werewolf returns and Igor starts attacking it with an electrified prong:
    Dracula: Igor?
    Igor: Yes, master?
    Dracula: Why do you torment that thing so?
    Igor: It's What I Do.
  • After breaking into the castle:
    Van Helsing: You're going to take these two and lead them to the antidote.
    Igor: No. I'm not.
    (Van Helsing roars and slams him against a wall, hard)
    Igor: Yes. I am.
    • Before this, when the heroes see Igor passing by, you can hear him complaining about his master — "Igor do this, Igor do that!"
    • Even better is the exchange immediately after Van Helsing grabs Igor.
    Igor: Please don't kill me!
    Van Helsing: Why not?
    Igor: Well...I...uh...
  • A drive-by hilarious quote—after Carl tests the nitroglycerin, you can hear one of the priests in the background indignantly shouting: "What in the name of Allah is wrong with you?!"
    Carl: The air around here is THICK with envy...
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  • Van Helsing ending his Sherlock Scan of what Frankenstein's Monster looks like with this exchange:
    Van Helsing: (rattling off the monster's features) ...he has a bad gimp in his right leg and... three copper teeth. (reaches for his gun)
    Anna: (confused) How do you know he has copper teeth? (As Frankenstein's monster is coming up behind her)
    Van Helsing: (quickly) Because he's standing right behind you; MOVE!
  • A bit that comes across as funny mainly because of the Mood Whiplash after a tragic scene; Anna, in the wake of her brother's death and learning Van Helsing has been bitten by Velkan while still a werewolf backs away...and completely misses that she's standing next to an extremely pissed-off Aleera, and when Anna finally realises she's not alone, she's barely turned round before the vampire knocks her out cold.
  • When Dracula reveals that everyone in attendance at the masquerade ball in his summer residence - the musicians, the dancers, the performers- are all vampires and sets them after the heroes, Van Helsing quickly makes a break for it...while Anna grabs a nearby mace from a suit of armour (with the gauntlet still attached) and starts swinging it, clearly raring for a fight, prompting Van Helsing to double back and effectively drag her out of the ballroom.
    • And then seconds later, they find Carl, who's delighted he's figured out a use for his sunlight bomb, only to be then horrified when he discovers their escape plan:
    Carl: [holding up the device] Ah, now I know what it's for! Now I know what it's for! (Carl realises Anna and Van Helsing are running straight at him) Where are we going?
    Van Helsing & Anna: (simultaneously) Through that window! (Carl turns around and sees the window as Anna and Van Helsing grab him by the arms and jump through it)
  • From the animated prologue; the amazing holy water super soaker.
  • After Van Helsing has been bitten by a werewolf and Carl explains they have 48 hours to find a solution:
    Van Helsing: Sounds like I have nothing to worry about.
    Carl: Oh my God, you should be terrified!
    Van Helsing: (beat) Thank you.
  • When the werewolf is loose...
    Carl: Why does it smell like wet dog in here?
  • When a bride tries to swoop down and snatch Van Helsing, he jumps and she grabs a cow instead. Poor Daisy gets thrown through a nearby roof with a surprised "MOOOOOOO!"
    • More hilariously, the cow is alive and well on the porch of the building it was thrown through and giving Carl a look that seems to say "What the fuck just happened?" once the fight itself is over.
  • In the animated prequel, one of the fights between Van Helsing and Hyde ends with Van Helsing on an out-of-control train. He gets it to stop just as it arrives at a station where Carl is waiting.
    Carl: Van Helsing? How'd you get here?
    Van Helsing: I put on the brakes.
  • From the gag reel:
    Dracula: I give you... VAN HALEN!
    • Another example from the Gag Reel. Hugh Jackman mentions how he'd "never trip" and then it cuts to numerous instances of him tripping and falling.
  • Shortly after Velkan attacks the heroes, Van Helsing tracks him to the local cemetery where the local undertaker is digging a new grave because "you never know when you might need a fresh one," and then he tries to wallop Van Helsing with his shovel. When Van Helsing blocks him, he quickly apologizes in a not-too-convincing way, then is immediately killed as Van Helsing ducks out of the way of Velkan leaping at him from behind. The undertaker rolls perfectly into one of the graves he just dug, his shovel sticks into the ground, and his hat lands on the shovel. That's just the kind of corniness that makes this movie great!
  • Reality Ensues when Aleera taunts Anna one time too many and gets a stake right through the heart. A stake which Anna was only able to catch because Aleera taunted her too long.
    Anna: I think if you're going to kill someone, kill them! Don't stand around talking about it!
    • Anna of course wisely says the above after she's already stabbed Aleera.


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