Line #107 Funny/LastActionHero


1	'''WARNING:''' Spoilers are unmarked.
2	----
3	* In the opening, a cop blocks Slater from entering the building where the Ripper is holed up.
4	-->'''Decker:''' Slater's attempting to enter, don't let him in! Repeat, do not let him in!
5	-->'''Cop:''' Piece of cake. ''[turns to find Slater standing right in front of him]''
6	-->'''Slater:''' Hey! You want to be a farmer? Here's a couple of [[{{Pun}} achers]]! ''[executes a GroinAttack that launches the cop six feet in the air]''
7	* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCVc5TaPpe8 Danny imagining a trailer for Hamlet with Arnold Schwarzenegger in the title role]].
8	** "Eh, Claudius! Yah killed my fadda." (grabs Claudius) "''Big'' mistake." (sends a screaming Claudius flying out the window)
9	** "Stay thy hand, fair prince!" -- "Hoo said I'm ''feah?''" Cue [=SchwarzenHamlet=] [[AnachronismStew pulling out a MAC-10]], and blasting Polonius.
10	** And this nugget:
11	--->'''[=SchwarzenHamlet=]:''' To be or not to be... ''[lights a cigar, takes a drag]'' Not to be. ''[[[StuffBlowingUp KABOOM!]]]''
12	** Though it was likely unintentional, a lot of Shakespeare scholars point out that Hamlet's FatalFlaw is that [[KillHimAlready he doesn't just kill Claudius]], which causes the death of many other people. Schwarzenegger doesn't have that flaw, to say the least.
13	* Two cops show up outside Jack's cousin Frank's house, which they believe to be a crack house:
14	-->'''1st Cop:''' Are you sure this is the right address? This don't look like no crack house to me.
15	-->'''2nd Cop:''' What do you want? Sixty guys dancing on the lawn, throwing cocaine at each other? Just kick the door in.
16	** After Frank's house explodes, the two cops are revealed to have landed in a tree. One of them regains consciousness and has this to say: "Two days to retirement." Cue the ''Film/LethalWeapon'' stinger music.
17	* Two words: [[AcmeProducts Acme Dynamite]].
18	* "[[BondOneLiner Iced that guy--to cone a phrase]]."
19	* Danny goes cross-eyed and moans as [[OffBridgeOntoVehicle Slater's car is about to land on the Coca-Cola semi-truck]].
20	** The black van chasing them unsuccessfully tries to copy Slater's stunt and explodes, [[FunnyBackgroundEvent the effects of which happen behind Slater]] as he assures Danny that he'll live to experience all the joys of young adulthood, such as "acne, shaving, [[SpeedSex premature ejaculation]], and your first divorce."
21	* [[Film/Terminator2JudgmentDay The T-1000]] and [[Film/BasicInstinct Catherine Tramell]] are seen strolling out of the police station. Doubles as a SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome for movie nuts.
22	** More amusing is the fact that the T-1000 walked past Slater, who share the same actor as his enemy "Uncle Bob".
23	-->'''Danny:''' Jack, did you see that?!
24	* Slater's cassette tape for whenever his ex-wife calls, which is just an endless loop of Slater saying, "Uh-huh, uh-huh, yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah."
25	** Which then wanders into TearJerker territory when Danny points out that his wife calls him every day, at which point Slater reveals that he has someone call him at the office ''pretending'' to be his wife, so they think he has some semblance of a life and isn't incredibly lonely.
26	** Jack has other prerecorded tapes labeled "Blown Up House," "Ex-Mother-In-Law," "Creditors," "Governor's Office," "Twin Brother Did It," "Girlfriend," "Internal Affairs," "Wrecked Car," "Working Late," and "Out of Town."
27	* The whole "Cops Getting Assigned Sidekicks" gag.
28	* [[IncrediblyLamePun The joke with Practice's name]].
29	-->'''Practice:''' How do you get to Carnegie Hall?
30	-->'''Slater:''' Practice!
31	* After Practice leaves, Danny realizes :
32	-->'''Danny:''' Watch it, Jack. [[Creator/FMurrayAbraham He]] killed Mozart!
33	-->'''Slater:''' ''[sardonically]'' In a movie?
34	-->'''Danny:''' ''Film/{{Amadeus}}''! It won eight Oscars.
35	-->'''Slater:''' I saved his life in 'Nam. I'll make sure to be on the lookout, thanks. Now...[[SuddenlyShouting NO MORE MOVIES!]]
36	* Any time [[DaChief Dekker]] [[SayMyName screams]] '''''[[IncomingHam "SLATERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!"]]''''' loud enough to break windows.
37	* Danny: "I can PROVE this is a movie! [[OnlySaneMan Look, a cartoon cat just walked through the door!]]"
38	-->'''Slater:''' He's supposed to be back on duty. He was only suspended for a month. Now shut up!
39	-->'''Dekker:''' That cat is one of my best men!
40	** Followed by this:
41	--->'''Danny:''' I just love the way you two fight, knowing how you really feel about each other.
42	--->'''Dekker:''' Pray tell. Just how do I feel about this weird-looking sack of puppy poop?
43	--->''[Jack looks at him questioningly]''
44	** And this:
45	--->'''Danny:''' ''Jack Slater I''.
46	--->'''Dekker:''' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint What's winning got to do with this?]]
47	--->'''Danny:''' No! The very first Jack Slater.
48	--->'''Dekker:''' ''[to Slater]'' You tell your dad?!
49	--->'''Slater:''' I didn't tell anyone! I don't even know this kid!
50	*** Slater's exasperated tone and expression as he says the last line just adds to the hilarity.
51	* Slater and Dekker subjecting Danny to a rapid-fire interrogation, however brief it is.
52	* Slater's response after Dekker appoints Danny as his partner: "[[ThisIsGonnaSuck Oh, no. Better to die.]]"
53	* Danny starts to introduce himself to other cops as Jack's new partner, only for Jack to walk back, pick him up, and carry him out of the police station.
54	* As Slater starts to say his {{catchphrase}}:
55	-->'''Danny:''' That is what you were gonna say, right? Gee, how would I know that?
56	-->'''Slater:''' No-one likes a smart ass.
57	* Slater [[DrivesLikeCrazy driving like crazy]] out of the LAPD garage, and a passing driver [[SayMyName yelling his name]].
58	* In Slater's world, ''Film/Terminator2JudgmentDay'' starred Creator/SylvesterStallone, not Creator/ArnoldSchwarzenegger.
59	-->'''Slater:''' ''[reverently]'' [[TheKnightsWhoSaySquee The man is an artist!]]
60	* Slater flirting with an attractive woman in the video store.
61	-->'''Attractive Woman:''' You were in a movie?
62	-->'''Slater:''' ''[perks up]'' Yes. It was called ''The Girl of My Dreams''. It starred you. As a matter of fact, we had this very romantic scene together.
63	** When the woman asks Slater if Danny is his kid:
64	--->'''Slater:''' Him? Oh, no. This is a mental patient and I'm going to take him downtown. ''[grabs Danny]'' C'mon!
65	** Danny points out that the cashier is way too attractive to be working in a video store.
66	--->'''Slater:''' I agree with you. I think she should be working with us. Undercover, of course.
67	* When Danny finally points out Vivaldi's house, Slater launches into a [[SarcasmMode sarcastic rant]].
68	-->'''Danny:''' The bad guys are in there! ''[points]''
69	-->'''Slater:''' You know something? You should be wearing this. ''[hands Danny his badge]''
70	-->'''Danny:''' ''[takes the badge]'' I don't think I've earned it yet.
71	-->'''Slater:''' You don't understand. You just solved the entire case. You just revolutionized the entire history of police training. All those years at the Academy studying human character, psyche of the terrorist, fingerprint analysis, all the courses that I've taken in surveillance, hostage negotiation, and criminal psychology. I mean, all I had to do was just drive around the neighborhood and point my finger at a house and say "[[SuddenlyShouting THE BAD GUYS ARE IN THERE]]!"
72	-->'''Danny:''' You think you're funny, don't you?
73	-->'''Slater:''' I know I am. I'm the famous comedian, Arnold Braunschweiger.
74	-->'''Danny:''' ''Schwarzenegger''!
75	-->'''Slater:''' {{Gesundheit}}.
76	** [[BrickJoke Slater uses "Arnold Braunschweiger" as an alias later on in the movie.]]
77	* Slater knocks on the door to Vivaldi's door, and Vivaldi's doorman answers, leading to this exchange:
78	-->'''Slater:''' Could I speak to the drug dealer of the house, please?
79	-->'''Doorman:''' I beg your pardon?
80	-->'''Slater:''' It's a beautiful day, and we're out killing drug dealers. Are there any in the house?
81	** Slater starts to leave and Danny calls him back:
82	--->'''Slater:''' [[Film/TheTerminator I'll be back!]] Ha! You didn't know I was gonna say that, did you?
83	--->'''Danny:''' [[RunningGag You always say that.]]
84	--->'''Slater:''' I do?
85	** Benedict's answer to Slater's question about him being a henchman:
86	--->'''Benedict:''' No, I only go as far as "lackey."
87	** "They [the attack dogs] are ''exceptionally'' well-trained." Benedict snaps his fingers, and the dogs quickly form a canine pyramid.
88	--->'''Benedict:''' I snap my fingers again, and sometime next week, you emerge from several canine recta. Questions?
89	--->'''Slater:''' Yeah, two. ''[lights a cigar]'' Why would I be wasting my time with a dime-store putz like you when I could be doing something much more dangerous, like re-arranging my sock drawers? And how will you snap your fingers after I rip off both of your thumbs?
90	* As Danny keeps trying to convince Slater they're in a movie:
91	-->'''Slater:''' Kid, who does the doctor treat?
92	-->'''Danny:''' Patients.
93	-->'''Slater:''' What is the elbow of my jacket doing?
94	-->'''Danny:''' Wearing thin?
95	-->'''Slater:''' Bingo!
96	** Made even funnier when Danny recognizes how forced that punchline was:
97	-->'''Danny:''' ''That'' was a stretch.
98	* When Danny opens the door to find Benedict and his armed goons standing on the porch:
99	-->'''Benedict:''' Hello, Toto. Is Uncle Jack around?
100	* After Danny gives him the "Hurt one hair on her head" line as one of Benedict's men drags Whitney away, Benedict orders his henchman to stop, strolls over to Whitney, plucks a single strand of hair from her head, walks over to Danny, and pulls it apart in front of Danny, following with "You were saying?"
101	* Benedict's goons opening the door and pointing their guns at Skeezy, who stands there with his lips puckered waiting for Whitney to kiss him.
102	-->'''Goon:''' Uh, boss?
103	** Jack's very cordial "Hi!" as he crashes in through the skylight, followed by him shooting two of the goons dead with their own guns.
104	** Benedict reveals a retractable knife he has hidden in his sleeve on a spring device. With an uncharacteristically giddy smile.
105	-->'''Benedict:''' [[NotSoAboveItAll That's great, isn't it?]]
106	* "Got to catch the red-eye." Said by Jack as he pursues a fleeing [[GlassEye Bene]][[RedEyesTakeWarning dict]].
107	* Danny realizing he's WrongGenreSavvy when trying to play chicken with Benedict's car.
108	-->'''Danny:''' Shit! I'm the comedy sidekick!
109	* After surviving an explosion, Slater and Danny, still wearing their ruined clothes, sit in front of Dekker's office while Dekker rants [[{{Angrish}} angrily and incoherently]] so loudly he's got steam literally puffing out of his ears.
110	-->'''Slater:''' Did you catch any of that?
111	-->'''Danny:''' Some of it sounds like English.
112	* When Slater walks into his apartment and for no apparent reason shoots the closet twice. A dead assassin's corpse falls out.
113	-->'''Danny:''' How'd you know there was a guy in there?
114	-->'''Slater:''' There's always a guy in there. It costs me a fortune in closet doors.
115	** Apparently, this is supposed to be a [[RunningGag gag]] that happens once per ''Jack Slater'' movie.
116	** Adding to the gag is the contents of the closet: [[LimitedWardrobe dozens of identical red shirts and leather jackets, just like the one Slater is wearing]] and [[WallOfWeapons a shelf full]] [[HandCannon of Desert Eagles]].
117	* When Danny and Slater realize that a chemical bomb has been planted on Leo the Fart:
118	-->'''Slater:''' Leo the Fart is gonna pass gas one more time.
119	* Slater tells Danny that he'll be safe staying in his car because there's a gun in the glove compartment. When Danny opens it, ''a bunch'' of handguns fall out.
120	* On the way to Leo the Fart's funeral, Slater runs into Practice, and they decide to continue together. Along the way, Slater discovers Practice's [[BigBadFriend true colors]] and admits that Danny warned him not to trust Practice because he killed "Moe Zart" (Danny figured out that Practice would turn traitor all because he is played by Creator/FMurrayAbraham, who played Salieri in ''Film/{{Amadeus}}'').
121	-->'''Slater:''' Danny told me I shouldn't trust you. You killed Moe Zart.
122	-->'''Practice:''' Moe...who?
123	-->'''Slater:''' Zart!
124	-->'''Practice:''' ''[{{beat}}]'' You know, I've killed a lot of people; I don't remember all of their names.
125	** Danny then shows up with a gun of his own and gives Practice a speech about how he should have [[WhyDontYaJustShootHim just shot Slater instead of talking]].
126	--->'''Danny:''' But no, you're the typical villain--dumb.
127	--->'''Vivaldi:''' ''[[[ClickHello cocks gun]]]'' You ain't no genius yourself, kid.
128	** The scene immediately following that shows Slater and Danny handcuffed to the wall.
129	* Slater crashes Leo the Fart's funeral, and he walks up to the casket and talks to a mourner.
130	-->'''Slater:''' He was a good man, a flatulent man.
131	** Slater then pretends Leo the Fart is still alive (complete with him [[VocalDissonance using a falsetto voice]]), grabs the corpse, and starts carrying it away, yelling for a doctor. A man steps forward as a doctor, and Slater tells him to check Leo the Fart's chin, only to knock the doctor out and then yell that the doctor passed out.
132	** "Look, elephant!"
133	** All of the mourners then proceed to draw guns. Yes, ''all'' of them. Even the [[NunTooHoly nuns]]. And [[NeverMessWithGranny an old lady]].
134	** In an elevator, Slater sees a helicopter with guns trained on him and he exits the elevator...only to come face-to-face with gun-toting mooks, leading to his very appropriate reaction:
135	--->'''Slater:''' ''[eyes wide]'' SHIT!
136	** Slater quickly growing exasperated when he tries like hell to get Leo the Fart's body off the crane and into the tar pit. He even calls the corpse "gas bag."
137	* The scene in which Benedict kills Vivaldi.
138	-->'''Vivaldi:''' First, you're my friend! Then you do a... ''[swirls his finger in the water]'' 360 on me!
139	-->'''Benedict:''' ''[exasperated]'' 180, you stupid, spaghetti-slurping cretin, ''180''! If I did a 360, I'd go completely around and end up back where I started!
140	-->'''Vivaldi:''' ...What?
141	-->'''Benedict:''' Trust me! ''[shoots Vivaldi]''
142	** And before that, Benedict trolls Vivaldi.
143	--->'''Benedict:''' Men, women, and children dropping left and right, writhing and screaming. [...] They were writhing and screaming and leaping to their doom to escape the pain.
144	--->'''Vivaldi:''' ''[laughing]'' Really? Really?
145	--->'''Benedict:''' No, not really. I'm lying. It was a complete and utter balls-up, and I've had a terrible day, thanks largely to you.
146	* Benedict has a subtle one. When Slater crashes Whitney's pickup truck through Benedict's front door, [[FacialDialogue he gets a look on his face that screams]] [[HereWeGoAgain "Again?"]]
147	** Slater starts beating up Benedict during his AndThisIsFor speech. For blowing up his second cousin Frank's house, Slater gives Benedict a hearty punch to the gut, and the act of blowing up Slater's ex-wife's house gets Benedict a soft slap on the wrist. Benedict, for some reason, looks much more mortified to getting the wrist slap.
148	** When Slater unwittingly throws Bennett at a wall and into the real world:
149	-->Usually when I do that it leaves a hole.
150	* After they pursue Benedict and his doorman into the real world, Slater shoots at a cab the two steal and [[EveryCarIsAPinto it doesn't explode like usual]]:
151	-->'''Slater:''' ''[to Danny]'' Not a word. Not ''one'' word!
152	* Danny urging Slater to check to make sure Benedict and his doorman are dead after the car crash.
153	-->'''Slater:''' Gimme a break. They're dead.
154	-->'''Danny:''' Just check!
155	-->'''Slater:''' ''[gestures at the cab]'' Look! ''Dead''!
156	-->'''Danny:''' They always look dead!
157	* Benedict is stunned to find that you can [[EvilIsPetty kill someone for their shoes]] in the real world without police sirens instantly sounding. So he goes to a garage and shoots a mechanic. He then immediately checks his watch and starts counting, waiting for the sirens. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMxY0Lxo_ow He fires another shot, just in case]]:
158	-->'''Benedict:''' Hello! I've just shot somebody and I did it on purpose!
159	-->''[Silence]''
160	-->'''Benedict:''' I said, I have murdered a man and I want to confess!
161	-->'''Neighbor:''' Hey! Shut up down there!
162	** While not in the film itself, a commenter on the video adds a bit extra to the script.
163	--->"Hey shut up down there!"
164	--->''shoots that guy''
165	--->"That makes two! Two times in the past minute I have intentionally shot another person with a gun!"
166	* Danny complaining to his mom that she turned Slater into a wimp.
167	* Slater hauling a cabbie out of his vehicle and delivering this nugget:
168	-->'''Slater:''' Ever see those movies where they say "Make my day" or "I'm your worst nightmare?" Well, listen to this one--Rubber baby buggy bumpers! ''[turns to Danny]'' Ha! You didn't know I was gonna say that, did you?
169	-->'''Danny:''' Uh...
170	* Creator/ArnoldSchwarzenegger telling Maria Shriver to not talk to the ''National Inquirer'', and Maria telling him to "not plug the restaurants" because "It's tacky."
171	** And Arnold goes on and brings up Planet Hollywood, much to his wife's annoyance. Maria even calls him a "low-brow lunkhead."
172	* Following a harrowing race to bring a dying Slater back into the movie world where his fatal gunshot to the chest is OnlyAFleshWound, he's immediately surrounded by concerned onlookers and tended by a doctor... who indignantly declares it to barely even ''be'' a flesh wound, as though they were wasting his time by summoning him.
173	* Slater's speech to Dekker at the end when Dekker starts ranting at him:
174	-->'''Slater:''' Put a sock in it! I don't care who does what to your Hersey highway. And stop shouting! I'm not deaf! You know why you're shouting? Because it's in the script. You're the comic relief. Yes! And you know what else? ''I'' am the hero. ''[[SuddenlyShouting SO]] [[BigShutUp SHUT UP!]]''
175	** The fact that this is possibly an example of HypocriticalHumor makes it funnier.
176	* The music video for "Big Gun" by AC/DC, featuring Schwarzenegger dressed as Angus Young, complete with guitar, copying the guitarist's moves. No, really.
177	** Also features the wonderful sight of Young comfortably sitting on Arnie's shoulder like a parrot.

Context Funny / LastActionHero