History JustForFun / HowToInvadeAnAlienPlanet

# Just because you ''can'' build the [[Franchise/{{Alien}} perfect combat organism]] or biological weapon capable of wiping out entire civilizations doesn't mean you ''should''. [[VideoGame/ShadowTheHedgehog It could just as easily turn on you and wipe you out]].

# Make sure you didn't [[VideoGame/UniverseAtWar wake up other alien groups]] while duking it out or provoke feint attacks. If the planet is capable of supporting carbon lifeforms, there's the potential of [[BenevolentPrecursors precursor civilizations]] or for your target civilization's [[TheAlliance best friends]] coming, and it would definitely suck having to now fight a two-way (or Spode forbid, ''three-way'') war against your target civilization and its parents/friends.

# Make sure you didn't [[VideoGame/UniverseAtWar wake up other alien groups]] while duking it out or provoke feint attacks. If the planet is capable of supporting carbon lifeforms, there's the potential of precursor civilizations coming and starting a two-way war with you.

** Possible exception: If you discovered that one of your native diseases is, while mildly annoying to your kind but extremely life-threatening to your enemy, consider a middle ground between this scenario and the traditional invasion by infecting your own weapons and/or designing smoke bombs that house highly concentrated colonies of this disease. While gross, this will ensure that if the impact doesn't kill your prey, the disease will. Depending on how fast the disease spreads and evolves, you may or may not have to have your men wearing hazmat suits in the case it evolves inside the target species' body to become lethal to yours.
** Just for health and safety reasons, remind yourself and your army to either sterilize the bodies after the fighting dies down [[ToServeMan if you're going to eat them]] or cremate them if you aren't. Either situation would destroy the disease before it gets the chance to evolve.

# If, despite all your preparation and technology, you're losing the invasion, be sure to wipe your starmaps. The last thing you want to do is give those little bastards directions to your homeworld so they can [[Literature/EndersGame launch a punitive invasion]]. Do this the '''instant''' you detect a [[Franchise/{{Metroid}} visor-shaped starship]] in your immediate corner of the galaxy; its spherical-shouldered pilot has a tendency to make planets explode, and the longer it takes her to find yours, the better off your empire will be.

# Even if your technology can cover the entire planet [[SciFiWritersHaveNoSenseOfScale (a dubious proposition in of itself)]], don't erect just one of anything that could be important to maintaining your control of the planet. Revolutionaries might be able to disable ''a'' [[EarthShatteringKaboom planetary bomb]] or MindControl device, but taking out three hundred and twenty-one of them worldwide requires significantly more effort to pull off and is outright impossible to do so quietly, giving you a quick and easy-to-read warning if the apes try to pull it off.

** Further instruct your pilots not to waste laser power if a single native is running in a straight line directly away from their ship. Give that targeting computer the few seconds it needs to confirm a lock, THEN fire the lasers. If it's a group of natives fleeing together in this manner, switch to high-yield missiles and weapons with a large area of effect.

# Remember, just because you've [[SpaceBattle destroyed the defending fleet in orbit]] doesn't mean you control the planet: "You can bomb it, you can strafe it, you can cover it with poison, you can turn it into glass, but you don't own it unless your infantry's on it and the other guy's isn't." In other words, despite your victory in the void, you probably don't have a single boot on the ground; the planet is thus still entirely in the hands of your enemy, and therefore ''not'' conquered and still hostile. Now you have do decide: Do you even want the planet? If so, do you have to keep the surface intact and the natives alive? If you think that the answer is "yes" to either question, see immediately above. Is it worth it given the cost? (Don't succumb to the SunkCostFallacy!) If you don't want it or if the cost is too high, just bombard it from space [[VideoGame/{{Homeworld}} before the locals send their stockpile of ICBMs your way]].

** Try to pretend that one of your citizens admired the guardian's feats, and try to invite them for a private dinner or so, with their own foodstuff being secretly added with chemicals that can kill quickly. Once the guardian laid dead, immediately incinerate the corpse in fire (or antimatter as a safety measure).

** It may be easier to steal (or even purchase) some of the native's own studies on their biology, they've spent much longer than you learning their own anatomy.

# If your goal is to [[PuppeteerParasite take over the natives' bodies]] [[Literature/{{Animorphs}} to use as your own]], be it as part of your species' life cycle or just ForTheEvulz, then your ''entire'' invading force are [[TheMole Moles]]. You shouldn't even have to test your soldiers on how good they can pull a {{Masquerade}} if your species evolved from parasites, it's extremely likely that they learned how to take over another creature's body around the time most [[AliensSpeakingEnglish English-speaking species]] [[AlphabetSong start learning their ABCs]], if not sooner. You are in the perfect position to conquer without anyone even knowing you're there until it's too late; overt acts of conquest, however, ''[[Literature/{{Animorphs}} Esplin 9466-alpha]]'', will just alert the natives to your presence and get them to mount a defense/resistance. On the other hand, you're in an ideal situation to not only have free real estate, but also use the [[HumansAreWarriors sufficiently xenophobic and violent]] host species that are you, your family, and your kind's new homes to do the dirty work of eliminating your interstellar enemies for you.

# If your goal is to [[PuppeteerParasite take over the natives' bodies]] [[Literature/{{Animorphs}} to use as your own]], be it as part of your species' life cycle or just ForTheEvulz, then your ''entire'' invading force is [[TheMole Moles]]. You shouldn't even have to test your soldiers on how good they can pull a {{Masquerade}} if your species evolved from parasites, it's extremely likely that they learned how to take over another creature's body around the time most [[AliensSpeakingEnglish English-speaking species]] [[AlphabetSong start learning their ABCs]], if not sooner. You are in the perfect position to conquer without anyone even knowing you're there until it's too late; overt acts of conquest, however, ''[[Literature/{{Animorphs}} Esplin 9466-alpha]]'', will just alert the natives to your presence and get them to mount a defense/resistance. On the other hand, you're in an ideal situation to not only have free real estate, but also use the [[HumansAreWarriors sufficiently xenophobic and violent]] host species that are you, your family, and your kind's new homes to do the dirty work of eliminating your interstellar enemies for you.

# If your goal is to [[PuppeteerParasite take over the natives' bodies]] [[Literature/{{Animorphs}} to use as your own]], be it as part of your species' life cycle or just ForTheEvulz, then your ''entire'' invading force is [[TheMole Moles]]. You shouldn't even have to test your soldiers on how good they can pull a {{Masquerade}} for if your species evolved from parasites, it's extremely likely that they learned how to take over another creature's body around the time most [[AliensSpeakingEnglish English-speaking species]] [[AlphabetSong start learning their ABCs]], if not sooner. You are in the perfect position to conquer without anyone even knowing you're there until it's too late; overt acts of conquest, however, ''[[Literature/{{Animorphs}} Esplin 9466-alpha]]'', will just alert the natives to your presence and get them to mount a defense/resistance. On the other hand, you're in an ideal situation to not only have free real estate, but also use the [[HumansAreWarriors sufficiently xenophobic and violent]] host species that are you, your family, and your kind's new homes to do the dirty work of eliminating your interstellar enemies for you.

# If your goal is to [[PuppeteerParasite take over the natives' bodies]] [[Literature/{{Animorphs}} to use as your own]], be it as part of your species life cycle or just ForTheEvulz, then your ''entire'' invading force is [[TheMole Moles]]. You shouldn't even have to test your soldiers on how good they can pull a {{Masquerade}} for if your species evolved from parasites, it's extremely likely that they learned how to take over another creature's body around the time most [[AliensSpeakingEnglish English-speaking species]] [[AlphabetSong start learning their ABCs]], if not sooner. You are in the perfect position to conquer without anyone even knowing you're there until it's too late; overt acts of conquest, however, ''[[Literature/{{Animorphs}} Esplin 9466-alpha]]'', will just alert the natives to your presence and get them to mount a defense/resistance. On the other hand, you're in an ideal situation to not only have free real estate, but also use the [[HumansAreWarriors sufficiently xenophobic and violent]] host species that are you, your family, and your kind's new homes to do the dirty work of eliminating your interstellar enemies for you.

** Corollary: If this is not possible or deemed too risky for one reason or another, simply asking some of the locals who specialize in medical care to give you a crash course on human biology is also an option. With the right approach you may be even fortunate enough to have the locals willingly provide you with cadavers, for which to carry out dissections, or even live specimens to examine. Keep in mind that going this route means you have to ensure that you don't so much as HINT that this is for the purpose of discovering weaknesses within the species in order to better facilitate the invasion; in the case of humans, they can be surprisingly perceptive. Instead, make claims that this is for the sake of learning about the species in order to better strengthen your culture's bonds.

** Collary: If your overarching goal is to breed with the natives to rebuild your numbers, ensure your follow-on orders don’t go against any [[PapaWolf Paternal]]/[[MamaBear Maternal]] feelings your soldiers may develop. [[ComicBook/{{Invincible}} No matter how bloodthirsty or superior you may consider yourselves, it’s going to suck when you soldiers start defying your orders en masse]] [[LoveRedeems because they’ve actual fallen in love with their selected mates]].

# Once you have a clear idea of the life forms you intend to subsume and of their culture, now is the time to do some ''very'' intense politicking. No truly sapient race, [[AliensAreBastards no matter how inherently violent,]] is composed entirely of ravaging, bloodthirsty monsters. [[KlingonScientistsGetNoRespect Someone has to do the bookkeeping and keep the libraries running.]] Even your [[WesternAnimation/StevenUniverse best and highest ranking soldiers]] might get cold feet or be straight-up against the idea of exterminating all life on the target planet, and some, should the invasion take place, [[Film/{{Avatar}} might even go native]]. Before you begin your expedition therefore, it is absolutely vital that you get your entire population on side. [[PropagandaMachine Propaganda]] is the best method of achieving this, particularly portraying your targets as ravaging, bloodthirsty monsters. If they are [[HumansAreTheRealMonsters anything like ourselves]], that shouldn't be too hard.

# Once you have a clear idea of the life forms you intend to subsume and of their culture, now is the time to do some ''very'' intense politicking. No truly sapient race, [[AliensAreBastards no matter how inherently violent,]] is composed entirely of ravaging, bloodthirsty monsters. [[KlingonScientistsGetNoRespect Someone has to do the bookkeeping and keep the libraries running.]] Even your [[WesternAnimation/StevenUniverse best and highest ranking soldiers]] might get cold feed or be straight-up against the idea of exterminating all life on the target planet, and some, should the invasion take place, [[Film/{{Avatar}} might even go native]]. Before you begin your expedition therefore, it is absolutely vital that you get your entire population on side. [[PropagandaMachine Propaganda]] is the best method of achieving this, particularly portraying your targets as ravaging, bloodthirsty monsters. If they are [[HumansAreTheRealMonsters anything like ourselves]], that shouldn't be too hard.

** Caveat 3: Don't feel like you're going to have an easy time just because you have [[PerfectPacifistPeople a species of pacifists or at least very peaceful people]] on your hands. If they have a pretty warlike history, you can be sure that at least some of the old fire is still burning and they are probably only restrained by their luxuries. If you are unlucky, they all turn into Klingons as soon as you take their luxuries away from them and give you hell.

** Caveat 2: If the inhabitants of your target planet are technologically advanced enough to pose a threat to you and also apex predators, expect anything and everything to be something they can figure out how use as a weapon against you.

** Just for health and safety reasons, remind yourself and your army to sterilize the bodies after the fighting dies down [[ToServeMan if you're going to eat them]] or cremate them if you aren't. Either situation would destroy the disease before it gets the chance to evolve.

** Possible exception: If you discovered that one of your native diseases is, while mildly annoying to your kind but extremely life-threatening to your enemy, consider a middle ground between this scenario and the traditional invasion by infecting your own weapons and/or designing smoke bombs that house highly concentrated colonies of this disease. While gross, this will ensure that if the impact doesn't kill your prey, the disease will. Depending on how fast the disease spreads and evolves, you may or may not have to have your men wearing hazmat suits in the case it evolves inside the target species' body to become lethal to yours

# If your goal is to [[PuppeteerParasite take over the natives' bodies]] [[Literature/{{Animorphs}} to use as your own]], be it as part of your species life cycle or just ForTheEvulz, then your ''entire'' invading force is [[TheMole Moles]]. You shouldn't even have to test your soldiers on how good they can pull a {{Masquerade}} for if your species evolved from parasites, it's extremely likely that they learned how to take over another creature's body around the time our species [[AlphabetSong starts learning their ABCs]], if not sooner. You are in the perfect position to conquer without anyone even knowing you're there until it's too late; overt acts of conquest, however, ''[[Literature/{{Animorphs}} Esplin 9466-alpha]]'', will just alert the natives to your presence and get them to mount a defense/resistance. On the other hand, you're in an ideal situation to not only have free real estate, but also use the [[HumansAreWarriors sufficiently xenophobic and violent]] host species that are you, your family, and your kind's new homes to do the dirty work of eliminating your interstellar enemies for you.

# Just because you ''can'' build the [[Franchise/{{Alien}} perfect combat organism]] or biological weapon capable of wiping out entire civilizations doesn't mean you ''should''. It could just as easily turn on you and wipe you out.

** Addendum: Some particularly [[VideoGame/HalfLife2 hardy specimens]] will continue with guerilla warfare even after this point. Carpet-bomb the area when you've got him pinned down. Try rodding them first, so you can go in immediately afterwards. If you have sufficient quantity and shielding, try using free-neutron emitters. If either of those don't work or are unavailable, ''then'' go to [[NukeEm nukes]]. Preferably from orbit. After all, it is the only way to be sure.

# Similarly, keep a constant watch for: [[Series/DoctorWho a small, innocent-looking blue box]], [[Franchise/StargateVerse covert military units with "SG" in the name]], [[Franchise/StarTrek saucer-shaped cruisers]], [[Franchise/SuperSentai giant]] [[Franchise/PowerRangers robots]] in general, especially if [[Anime/TengenToppaGurrenLagann they sport]] CoolShades or are piloted by [[Anime/NewMobileReportGundamWing teenage terrorists]], [[Anime/MobileSuitGundam00 war criminals]], or [[Anime/MobileFighterGGundam Shonen-loving martial artists]], [[Film/MenInBlack well-dressed men in sunglasses]], [[Franchise/UltraSeries fin-headed humanoid giants]],[[VideoGame/SwordOfTheStars starships with ring-shaped FTL systems]], [[SuperHero vigilantes in colorful costumes who casually defy the laws of physics]], and anyone in powered armor, whether [[Franchise/{{Halo}} plain camoflauge green]] or [[Franchise/{{Metroid}} gold-orange with huge spherical shoulders]], whether they're trained military or [[VideoGame/HalfLife bespectacled physicists]] with [[CrowbarCombatant crowbars]]. Spot any of these, and you're better off staying home.

# Similarly, keep a constant watch for: [[Series/DoctorWho a small, innocent-looking blue box]], [[Franchise/StargateVerse covert military units with "SG" in the name]], [[Franchise/StarTrek saucer-shaped cruisers]], [[Franchise/SuperSentai giant]] [[Franchise/PowerRangers robots]] in general, especially if [[Anime/TengenToppaGurrenLagann they sport]] CoolShades, [[Film/MenInBlack well-dressed men in sunglasses]], [[Franchise/UltraSeries fin-headed humanoid giants]],[[VideoGame/SwordOfTheStars starships with ring-shaped FTL systems]], [[SuperHero vigilantes in colorful costumes who casually defy the laws of physics]], and anyone in powered armor, whether [[Franchise/{{Halo}} plain camoflauge green]] or [[Franchise/{{Metroid}} gold-orange with huge spherical shoulders]], whether they're trained military or [[VideoGame/HalfLife bespectacled physicists]] with [[CrowbarCombatant crowbars]]. Spot any of these, and you're better off staying home.

# If you, [[Franchise/UltraSeries like a good chunk of the universe]], [[TokyoIsTheCenterOfTheUniverse choose Japan as your landing site]], then Darwinism will kick in and annihilate you. If you see the [[Series/UchuSentaiKyuranger twelve-man galactic rainbow squad]], run to America, they are unable to reach you no matter what.