History Funny / MassEffect1

** Made even better - or [[FunnyAneurysmMoment tragic]] - when Shepard subsequently says "[[CallBack with all due respect]]" to the Council during the argument that leads to the Normandy's lockdown. On a much lighter note again; Shepard seems to take Ashley's interpretation of the phrase every other time they say it.

** Naturally, we learn later that the krogan slang term for a CrazyAwesome stunt is "having a quad." You may hear this both in and out of game.

-->'''Kaidan:''' Big place!\\

'''Joker:''' That never gets old, does it...?\\

** When [[spoiler:Vigil]] reveals that, as his energy reserves dwindled, he turned off life support for "non-essential personnel" first before moving on to everyone else, Wrex says, "I bet the non-essential personnel didn't know about this contingency."

* After you choose to [[spoiler:gun down Wrex]], Kaidan approaches you and asks if you're okay. The Renegade answer is: [[BondOneLiner "I'm feeling a hell of a lot better than he is."]]

*** If one thinks about this, this also means that Wrex, one of the most badass individuals in the universe, believes Shepard could kick his butt most days since Wrex is willing to let Shepard order him around most of the time. He's not wrong. [[spoiler: [[FunnyAneurysmMoment The standoff in [=ME3=] proves that.]]]]
*** In a more lighthearted take on the above conversation, the Citadel DLC has a great CallBack to that scene, [[spoiler: seeing as how you're fighting a clone of Shepard.]]

* Lorik Qui'in has evidence that [[spoiler:Administrator Anoleis is crooked and has Shepard retrieve the evidence. If you ask him to testify instead of using it for blackmail, he will refuse. You can convince him... OR you can just give the evidence to Anoleis instead (ruining Qui'in's career, and possibly his life) simply to backstab him. Upon telling Qui'in (who is naturally in shock), he asks why.]] The Renegade response?

* Shepard seeing [[spoiler: Species 37 a.k.a. the Thorian]] for the first time.

** Simon Atwells first action upon seeing you is ''shooting you in the chest''! Shepard however, immediately sees he's no threat, so they just watch the bullet bounce of the kinetic barriers with an amused look on their face.

* Take Garrus or Kaidan with you when you turn in the [[spoiler:Asari Diplomacy]] Assignment.
-->'''[[spoiler:Nassana]]:''' I am sorry I misled you. We have trust issues in our family.\\

** The party responses to Mira's explanation of how dangerous the neutron purge is are also good for a laugh. Wrex argues with it, claiming it would be like a walk in the sun for a krogan (whereas Mira claims that it's lethal to ''all'' lifeforms). If Liara and Ashley or Kaidan are with you, Liara tells Shepard the importance of reading the directions on any controls they use, prompting Ashley/Kaidan to [[DeadpanSnarker remark]] that it's always a good idea to ReadTheFreakingManual, to Liara's confusion. If Tali is with you she will provide the immortal line:

** The party responses to Mira's explanation of how dangerous the neutron purge is are also good for a laugh. Wrex argues with it, claiming it would be like a walk in the sun for a krogan (whereas Mira claims that it's lethal to ''all'' lifeforms). If Liara and Ashley or Kaidan are with you, Liara tells Shepard the importance of reading the directions on any controls they use, prompting Ashley/Kaidan to [[DeadpanSnarker remark]] that it's always a good idea to {{RTFM}}, to Liara's confusion. If Tali is with you she will provide the immortal line:

--->I can see why this place is so popular. It's got quite the... view.
** Though Ashley's reaction is much sillier:
---> "Hey, LT, put your tongue back in your mouth before you trip on it."

'''Renegade!Shepard:''' ''[{{beat}}]'' We don't have time to deal with this idiot. CHARGE.\\

*** There is also the VI's response to Liara's saying that they shouldn't press buttons. "That is a wise precaution for every terminal in this facility."

-->'''Tali:''' ''[to Shepard]'' Why do people keep asking you to do something incredibly dangerous for them?

* One of the final scenes in the game, just before Shepard has to choose whether or not to save the Council and their squadmates debate saving them or not, has a [[GoodBadBug funny little glitch]] in which one squadmate fails to spawn, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ablRsfNXoJc leading to the remaining squadmate]] developing a split personality and arguing with ''themselves'' over saving the Council or not.

---> '''M!Shep:''' Just remember that I saw her first.
---> '''Kaidan:''' Only by a few seconds, sir.

--> '''Ashley''': Huh. Nobody died.
--> '''Kaidan''': I could shoot someone if it would make you feel better.
--> '''Ashley''': Nah, I'm good.

-->'''Ashley:''' Dad passed on a few years back, he's probably still watching though, so behave.
-->'''Shepard:''' He's not a zombie, is he?

-->'''Ashley:''' You ask me to jump, I’ll say 'how high?' You ask me to kiss a turian, I'll say 'which cheek'?
-->'''Shepard:''' I don't think kissing turians is going to be necessary, Chief.

---->'''Shepard:''' Will you kiss anyone I tell you to?
---->'''Ashley:''' Yes, sir. Unless you ask me to kiss a superior officer. This would violate Alliance regulations on fraternization. At which point, I would refuse your request and relieve you of your command. ...Sir.

-->'''Shepard:''' The geth are perfect ambushers. They don't move, they don't sleep, they don't even breathe.
-->'''Ashley:''' Sir, they have flashlight heads!

-->'''Shepard:''' Don't tell me you spent your days running through green fields singing show tunes.
-->'''Ashley:''' Don't speak ill of show tunes, sir/ma'am, I might have to take exception.

-->'''Shepard:''' I always carry my lucky rabbit's foot, that'll clear up any bad waves.
-->'''Ashley:''' Just don't wave it around. Wrex might try to eat it.

-->'''Krogan Battlemaster:''' Surrender. Or don't. [[BloodKnight That would be more fun.]]
-->'''Renegade!Shepard:''' *{{Beat}}* We don't have time to deal with this idiot. CHARGE.
-->''Cue everyone reaching for their guns.''
-->'''Krogan Battlemaster:''' Oh, I like your attitude.

-->'''Turian Councilor:''' Do you take pleasure in committing genocide, Shepard?
-->'''Shepard:''' Depends on the species... turian.

--->'''Shepard:''' I tried to warn you about Saren, and you ignored me. Look how that turned out.
--->'''Turian Councilor:''' I believe you humans have a saying: "Even a broken clock is right twice a day."
--->'''Shepard:''' [[SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome Here's another one: "Go to hell!"]]

-->'''Asari Councilor:''' Commander, is this some kind of game? Are you calling in a report just so that you can cut us off again?
-->'''Shepard:''' You know it!
-->''({{Beat}})''
-->'''Joker:''' That never gets old, does it...?
-->---
-->'''Asari Councilor:''' [[TranquilFury Commander, do not cut me off again like last time.]] ''[[DudeNotFunny I fail to find it amusing.]]''
-->'''Shepard:''' [[{{Troll}} Whoops!]]
-->'''Joker:''' Aaaand we're out!
-->---
-->'''Shepard:''' Aww, looks like we lost the signal, Joker.
-->'''Joker:''' Understood, commander.

-->'''Turian Councillor:''' ''(on rachni)'' How many generations before they wipe us out?
-->'''Shepard:''' Uh... three? No, four!

-->'''Wrex:''' Hey, Tali. Your people created the geth, ever talk about it?
-->'''Tali:''' Do the krogan talk about starting a stupid war that got your species sterilized?
-->'''Wrex:''' ''All'' the time.

-->'''Liara:''' Our travels now are somewhat different from my normal excavations. I would prefer lengthier studies, and fewer explosions.
-->'''Tali:''' Yes. Most of the technology that I hoped to send back to the Flotilla has subsequently attempted to kill us.
-->'''Wrex:''' It's good for you. A nice explosion now and then keeps the mind sharp.
-->'''Ashley:''' I think you speak for scientists everywhere, Liara.

-->'''Kaidan''': I haven't spent much time with krogan before, Wrex. I have to say, you're not what I expected.
-->'''Wrex''': Right. Because you humans have a wide range of cultures and attitudes, but krogan all think and act exactly alike.
-->'''Kaidan''': Whoa. I-I didn't mean... Look, just forget I said anything.
-->'''Wrex''': Done.

-->'''Wrex''': Who would win in a fight between you and Shepard?
-->'''Tali''': Do krogan size up everyone they meet for a fight, including friends and allies?
-->'''Wrex''': ''[[BluntYes Yes]]''.

--->'''Wrex''': Who would win in a fight between you and Shepard?
--->'''Kaidan''': What? Commander Shepard is my superior officer. I can't see us ever having to fight.
--->'''Wrex''': You can't? That's why Shepard is your superior officer. And ''that's'' why... Shepard would win.

-->'''Kaidan''': If things don't go well, I want you to know - I've enjoyed serving under you.
-->'''Shepard''': Kaidan, I don't think I've had the pleasure of you [[DoubleEntendre serving under me]] yet.
-->'''Kaidan''': Ouch, I walked right into that one.

-->'''Shepard''': I just pretend I have my head up my ass and don't care about anything except money.
-->'''Ashley''': [[ShoutOut That would be]] [[Film/ThePrincessBride a waste of a perfectly fine ass]]... sir.

-->'''Kaidan:''' Big place!
-->'''Ashley:''' ...[[DeadpanSnarker That your professional opinion]], sir?

--->'''Ashley:''' Or maybe they just don't like humans.
--->'''Shepard:''' Why not? We've got [[{{Series/V 1983}} oceans]], [[MarsNeedsWomen beautiful women]], [[WhatIsThisThingYouCallLove this emotion called love]]. According to the old vids, we have everything they want.
--->'''Kaidan (to F!Shep):''' When you put it that way, there's no reason they wouldn't like you. I mean, us! Humans! Ma'am.
--->'''Ashley:''' [[YouNeedToGetLaid You don't take much shore leave]], do you, L-T?

--->'''Ashley:''' "Yeah, well if you want me in a tinfoil mini skirt and thigh-high boots, you're gonna have to buy me dinner first. *{{Beat}}* Sir."\\
'''Kaidan:''' ''(chuckles)'' That'll be enough, Chief.\\
'''Shepard:''' ''(picking "It's all right")'' At ease, Lieutenant. I can't see [[TheSquadette her]] in a skirt, anyway.\\
'''Ashley:''' ''(flustered)'' Damn straight you can't.

-->'''C-Sec Guard''': That [[StarfishAliens hanar]] refuses to listen to reason, why can't it act in an orderly and lawful manner?
-->'''Shepard''':[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v9GWHG_3rxc Because it's]] [[FantasticRacism a big, stupid jellyfish!]]

-->"A million light years from where humanity began and we walk into a bar filled with men drooling over half naked women shaking their asses on a stage. I can't decide if that's funny or sad."
-->'''Kaidan:''' What, you don't think they're here because of the food?

-->'''AI''': Probability of detection 100%. Initiating self-destruct protocol.
-->[Beat]
-->'''Garrus''': That ''could'' be a problem.

-->'''Kaidan:''' Get a job?
-->'''Schells:''' You're no help at all!

-->'''Shepard:''' Easy. We don't want to start a fight.
-->'''Wrex:''' .....Why not?

-->'''Shepard''': You refused to testify. [[InsaneTrollLogic Obviously you hate justice and deserve this.]]
-->'''Lorik Qui'in''': [[LampshadeHanging What insane breed of logic is that?]]

--->'''Parasini:''' Spectre, have you given any more consideration to my offer?
--->'''Shepard:''' Anoleis paid me for it. Tough luck.
--->'''Parasini:''' You're kidding. Do you have any I...WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!
--->'''Shepard:''' Language, miss.

--->'''Wrex:''' Ah, [[WhyDontYaJustShootHim we could have saved time by beating him into cooperation.]]
--->'''Garrus:''' [[WhatTheHellHero We couldn't do that!]]
--->'''Wrex:''' Yes we could. Do you think he lifts anything heavier than stacks of hardcopy?

-->'''Shepard''': ''(When finishing up a conversation with him)'' I should let you go.
-->'''Qui'in''': "Let me go"? Do humans consider conversation a form of imprisonment? Maybe that is why so few are willing to sit and talk.

-->'''Shepard''': What's that you're drinking there?
-->'''Inamorda''': Human blood! With cinnamon!

--->'''Inamorda''': Probably couldn't figure out how much more you'd make. (''to himself'') Stupid base-ten math. That's what they get for having extra ''fingers''.

-->'''Shepard:''' [[CorruptCorporateExecutive Anoleis]] is paying you to shake this place down. That makes you a criminal. ''I can kill criminals.''
-->'''Guard:''' You're bluffing.
-->'''Wrex:''' You're right. They're actually going to let me eat you.
-->'''Guard:''' ...How about this? You pretend you didn't see us, we'll pretend we didn't see you.

-->'''Shepard''': Is there an asari in the hot labs?
-->'''Mira''': [[ExactWords There is an asari I do not recognize standing next to you.]]
-->'''Liara''': How humans tolerate such literal-minded [=VIs=] is beyond me...

-->'''Kaidan:''' What was that?!
-->'''Wrex:''' Probably debris. [[DeadpanSnarker Don't have a panic attack. I'll protect you]].

-->His reaction to the announcement that a certain, revered Asari Matriarch passed through? "Saren's flunky? She's here?"
-->Not to mention his reaction to Mira insisting that the neutron purge is 100% lethal? "I won't let some virtual wench insult my fitness!"

-->'''Krogan Commander''': Damn it! Tell me what I want or I'll blast your virtual ass into actual dust!
-->'''Virtual Intelligence''': Please contact your supervisor for a level four security exemption, or make an appointment with--
-->'''Krogan Commander''': Stupid machine!
-->'''VI''': If there is nothing else, please step aside. There is a queue forming behind you for the use of this console.
-->''The krogan turns around to see [[TheHero Commander Shepard]] and company.''
-->'''Krogan Commander''': Oh, good, I really need to kill somebody!

-->'''Shepard''': I just pretend I have my head up my ass and don't care about anything except money.
-->'''Ashley, to F!Shepard''': Painful. I'll leave that to you.

-->'''Tali:''' ''(to Shepard)'' Why do people keep asking you to do something incredibly dangerous for them?

-->'''Ashley''': Commander, we'll need your help with setting up the nuke. I'll go with the salarians.
-->'''Kaidan''': With all due respect, gunnery chief, it's not your place to decide.
-->'''Ashley''': Why is it when someone says "WithAllDueRespect," they really mean "kiss my ass"?

--> "Commander, your ability to weigh the pros and cons of standing in the way of gunfire seems to be improving."
--> "You can add a broken record to the list of things you've ruined."
--> "Don't just stand there lookin' pretty, ''kill something''!"
--> "Sorry, Shepard, but there's no award for most times ''shot''."
--> "Wow. Shepard, the only way your team could have made better use of their unique talents is if you had gone into battle with your eyes crossed."

-->'''Garrus''': Some Krogan believe testicle transplants will increase their virility. Counteract the effects of the Genophage. It doesn't work but that doesn't stop them from buying. They'll pay up to 10,000 credits each. That's 40,000 for a full set *{{Beat}}* Somebody's making a killing out there.

-->'''Captain Anderson:''' Hopefully he won't be in his office. If he is... I'll think of something...
-->''(later...)''
-->'''Ambassador Udina:''' Anderson? What are you doing here?
-->'''Captain Anderson:''' ''([[TalkToTheFist Punches him out]])''

-->'''Ambassador Udina:''' ''Him?'' You must be joking. Anderson prefers his fists to do the talking.
-->'''Captain Anderson:''' Only with you, Ambassador. Only with you.

-->''Can you feel me growing!?'' '''I'm going to break it all!'''
-->''They're in my head! All of them! With knives!''

-->'''[[spoiler:Nassana]]:''' "I am sorry I misled you. We have trust issues in our family."
-->'''Garrus[=/=]Kaidan:''' "[[CaptainObvious Obviously.]]"

** Also if you keep cutting off the Council, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bbrQ5EkBz4 this]] happens.

-->'''Asari Councilor:''' Do not cut me off again, Commander. I fail to find it amusing."\\
'''Shepard:''' Whoops.

*** This becomes [[HilariousInHindsight even funnier in the third game]] if the two decide to forget Liara because [[BiTheWay they're more interested in each other]].

* Speaking of the elevators, nearly everyone's elevator conversations on the Citadel. Bonus points for the mention of Francis Kitt's production of Hamlet with elcor actors. Becomes even funnier in ''VideoGame/MassEffect2'', when you learn that this production of Hamlet is a riveting FOURTEEN HOURS long.

--->'''Tali''': Don't press [[BigRedButton big red buttons]]. [[labelnote:Explanation]] Even funnier considering ''[[FridgeBrilliance quarians can't see red]].''[[/labelnote]]

'''Shepard:''' ''(picking "It's all right")'' At ease, Lieutenant. I can't see [[TheSquadette her]] in a skirt anyway.\\

--->'''Ashley:''' "Yeah, well if you want me in a tinfoil mini skirt and thigh-high boots, you're gonna have to buy me dinner first. *{{Beat}}* Sir."
** And at the end of the conversation, after Kaidan's fumble:
--->'''Ashley:''' ''I'll'' walk drag, ma'am.

* "I've had enough of your snide insinuations." '''[[CrowningMomentOfAwesome SHEPARD PAWNCH!]]'''

--->'''Shepard:''' [[CrowningMomentOfAwesome Here's another one: "Go to hell!"]]

-->'''Ashley:''' Don't speak ill of show tunes, sir/ma'am.

!Faros

** Though given what Shepard faces on the mission, including mind-controlling plants, eldritch techno-gods, armies of robots, a potential BugWar, and ''actual'' zombies, s/he might actually require clarification on that one.

* There is a time when Shepard decides to mess with Liara somewhat with them asking if Liara wants to make them a lab experiment. She tries to explain that [[DiggingYourselfDeeper she thinks they are interesting for in depth study...]][[ThatCameOutWrong only for them to realize what she just said.]] Shepard reassures her that s/he was just kidding, making her very embarrassed.

** The party responses to Mira's explanation of how dangerous the neutron purge is are also good for a laugh. Wrex argues with it, claiming it would be like a walk in the sun for a krogan (whereas Mira claims that it's lethal to ''all'' lifeforms). If Liara and Ashley or Kaidan are with you, Liara tells Shepard the importance of reading the directions on any controls s/he uses, prompting Ashley/Kaidan to [[DeadpanSnarker remark]] that it's always a good idea to {{RTFM}}, to Liara's confusion. If Tali is with you she will provide the immortal line:

** Made even better - or [[FunnyAneurysmMoment tragic]] - when Shepard subsequently says "[[CallBack with all due respect]]" to the Council during the argument that leads to the Normandy's lockdown. On a much lighter note again; Shepard seems to take Ashley's interpretation of the phrase every other times he/she says it.

* Encountering the one imprisoned (and obviously indoctrinated) salarian in the holding cells, then refusing to let him out leads to him going mad and shreiking "LET ME OUT!" at the top of his salarian lungs before running at the cell door...and slamming ineffectually into it.

** Simon Atwells first action upon seeing you is ''shooting you in the chest''! Shepard however, immediately sees he's no threat, so s/he just watches the bullet bounce of the kinetic barriers with an amused look on his/her face.

* There is a time when Sheppard decides to mess with Liara somewhat with them asking if Liara wants to make them a lab experiment. She tries to explain that [[DiggingYourselfDeeper she thinks they are interesting for indepth study...]][[ThatCameOutWrong only for them to realize what she just said.]] Sheppard reassures her that s/he was just kidding, making her very embarrassed.