Reviews Comments: Bollocks To This

Bollocks To This
Were you expecting another glowing review, calling the game an emotional masterpiece and the greatest game made in 2012? Heh heh...WRONG!!!

Mass Effect 3 is an insult to the franchise and a slap in the face to long time fans, but not in the way you're thinking. Sure the ending is so bad it bends space and retroactively ruins the rest of the trilogy, but it's just the cherry on top of the fail sundae. If you're in hurry, here's a four word summary: Your Choices Don't Matter. Basically every choice you've made in the past is awkwardly retconned so that sequences are largely the same, save minute differences in dialogue. Speaking of which, the writing took a high dive into a toilet since ME 2; The plot revolves around a huge space dildo that has the words "Deus Ex Machina"(tm) written in three story tall letters on the side. This oversized sex toy is treated as the galaxy's Hail Mary, despite knowing nothing about it, and knowing the last giant Prothean device they found (the Citadel) was actually a Reaper trap. For all they know the device could actually be a giant enslavement gizmo, or an enormous lava lamp.

But enough about writing, what of the gameplay? I'm so glad you asked.

It's Gears Of War. They aren't even trying to hide it anymore, but it's Gears with a !Future! paintjob. Battles are pathetic and underwhelming, doubly so if you've played multiplayer (and you have to to get the (fingerquotes) best ending), which piles on five times the enemies and pairs you with actually competent squadmates. There are about five actions attached to one button, leading to moments of frustration as you fruitlessly try to grab the gun on top of a cover object and end up welding your butt to it. Levels are incredibly linear, and combat makes up the bulk of the game. Sidequests are pretty much the same thing: scan a planet, find a dohicky, bring it back to the guy you eavesdropped on. That's right, you don't even get to talk to quest givers, instead you have to voyeuristically listen to them bitch about some problem and bring the exact thing they needed back.

Words fail me.

I could fill an entire wiki in and of itself with all the problems I have with this game, but I only have 400 words to do it, so here's my final thoughts: Play Borderlands 2. Play Skyrim. Play anything but this.


Alright, so if I understand it correctly, here are all the reasons you listed for why we shouldn't buy the game: graphical glitches and oddities that have been around since the first game, the fact that there's no conversations to initiate some of the sidequests, the Reaper alerts, Cronos Station, the multiplayer, and Diana Allers.

  1. The thing about Chobot is a pretty clear example of nitpicking, considering she plays no part in the plot and you don't even have to have her aboard.
  2. The graphical glitches and oddities did happen to me (very rarely), but no more than they did in the first two games. The 'sidequests' you mention, the ones where you overhear a conversation and go get something, aren't really sidequests so much as a replacement for planet scanning. The actual sidequests (such as the ones with the volus ambassador, the hanar ambassador, Conrad Verner, Balak, the N7 missions, etc.) all have plot relevance and several conversations (unlike the second game, where the sidequests usually had nothing to do with anything and didn't even get a voiced mission briefing).
  3. I honestly don't get why anyone would have a problem with Reaper alerts; it adds to the suspense and actually gives the galaxy map a point, not to mention, it's less repetitive than planet scanning (which I actually liked).
  4. I also honestly have no idea what's wrong with multiplayer' it's repetitive, yes, but it's a ton of fun and offers a lot of replay value. I'm surprised by how much I enjoyed it.
  5. How did Cronos Station invalidate the main choice of the last game? If you saved the Base, you can get the Control ending far easier, and if you destroyed it, it takes 1,000 more points- which makes perfect sense, since you handed the base to Cerberus and they want to control the Reapers. Logically, them having more data on it should give them a much better chance of actually succeeding.
  6. The dialogue about Shepard's death was "too little, too late"? The second game already happened, did you expect them to have Shepard angsting about the whole thing all throughout Mass Effect 3? Frankly I was surprised they even put that bit of dialogue in.
  7. I agree that Kai Leng was a mediocre boss fight and antagonist, given his lack of menace and incredibly dumb AI. Also, he for some reason lacks the abilities normal Phantoms have. But one bad fight seems like a dumb reason to declare the entire game shit.

Also, as Humourous Wrex said, you do not touch on the gameplay (you know, the most important part of a game), nor do you talk about the main story, production values (aside from incredibly rare graphic glitches), the characters, or anything else. This review is not helpful in the least. The only hint I get as to your feelings about the gameplay itself is a few forum posts, and I've already deconstructed how those complaints range from minor to flat out false.
comment #14175 CPFMfan 5th May 12 (edited by: CPFMfan)
Just assume anything I didn't mention I thought was fine. I'm sorry it wasn't comprehensive enough for some people, but with only four hundred words, I ran out of space.
comment #14215 MachineMan1992 7th May 12
So the gameplay, story, characterization, voice acting, sound effects, graphics, upgrade system, level design, and value was all fine? If you're going to make a short review, have it actually cover why a game isn't worth buying rather than nitpicking really small things like single fights, occasional graphical oddities, Diana Allers (ugh), and one line of dialogue.
comment #14223 CPFMfan 7th May 12
There, edited it again, and probably will be continuously revised as my opinion changes.
comment #14296 MachineMan1992 13th May 12
Huh. The whole gun thing isn't so for me, I'm always toting whatever I happened to have equipped, with certain exceptions whre it's still the rifle I actually have, did they patch this problem? In terms of bugs, I had a horrible one in the Grissom Academy but that's been it so far. On the whole though, I can get behind the whole "missing potential" thing. In some fashion, I've felt this way about all three games. They are definitely good. Hell, in certain moments, great. But all three could have easily been a whole lot better.
comment #14310 SlendidSuit 14th May 12
Anyway, about the sidequests- one, how is having some of the N7 missions be multiplayer maps a bad thing if they're still fun to shoot people in? It's not like the shooting galleries of the last game were any more complex. And two, did you forget about those plot important sidequests consisting almost entirely of conversations like in the last game? The Batarian Codes one? Conrad Verner? The Hanar homeworld? The Elcor homeworld? The Volus ambassador? Aria's missions?

Also, what does "Gears of War-sy" even mean (note: has never played Gears Of War)? Does it have anything to do with the power system and weapon modification? Those are pretty important aspects.
comment #14366 CPFMfan 20th May 12
Gears of War-sy would be referring to the style of gameplay in Gears Of War. Third person, run n gun, cover system, as opposed to the first game where you spent experience points into building skills with the different weapons (they have been replaced with new powers) and rather than a slow plodding combat system that got in the way of level grinding by talking to every NPC twenty times the developers attempted to make this aspect of the game more appealing.
comment #14378 tsstevens 21st May 12
I have a serious question for those who have strong opinions about Mass Effect 3 and I think we would all like to hear a serious answer.

Suppose you go to a job interview. Is the ending or what people think of it really honestly so much of an issue that it is going to affect your performance?
comment #18045 tsstevens 5th Feb 13
Yes. Yes it is.

You could give the best interview of your life and utterly enchant the interviewer, but if you end it by giving them the finger, that's what's going to stick out in their mind.
comment #18174 MachineMan1992 11th Feb 13
Yeah, um, I'm sure it would.

Hmmm, what I mean is would what people think of the Mass Effect 3 ending really have that much impact on your life? I mean would you obsess over it so much that it will affect your job, your family life, how you interact with friends? Would the fact someone didn't like the ending drive you to drugs and alcohol?

I'm sure you wouldn't feel this way and I'm quite certain most others wouldn't feel this way either.

mod edit to remove ill-advised statement
comment #18268 tsstevens 20th Feb 13 (edited by: lu127)
Massive rewrite.

Which means all the comments above are moot! Suck it!
comment #18619 MachineMan1992 25th Mar 13
You could never Vanguard or chain biotics in Gears of War
comment #18621 TomWithNoNumbers 25th Mar 13
And you can't chainsaw, curb stomp, or stick spiky mace-grenades to people in Mass Effect.

Give and take, and all that.
comment #18633 MachineMan1992 26th Mar 13
Suck it? Seriously? What are you, twelve? Act your age.
comment #18696 thenameisbean 31st Mar 13
I'm pretty sure you're taking umbrage at something which was meant as a bit of joke
comment #18697 TomWithNoNumbers 31st Mar 13
You it was.

Also, your not my mother. Bog off.
comment #18715 MachineMan1992 1st Apr 13
Yes. I hate comment sections.
comment #18716 MachineMan1992 1st Apr 13
Since the comments before the rewrite don't matter allow me to address the ending. Now I could see where they were going with this but there are three main problems I see with this.

One is that in the second game particularly the Reapers were built up to be such a threat that it almost had to pull off the ending it did. To make a comparison in Skyrim dragons were the same, however I jut got the game and think it's a great game, and killed my first dragon and it took a few tries but working out to snipe it with a bow made it easy, I had more difficulty with bandits. I think fans wanted Shepard to be able to do this.

The second was we were promised a Golden Ending. None appeared.

The third was a Playable Epilogue, but the ending negated that.

So yes I think fans were entitled to an ending that delivered as promised.
comment #19246 tsstevens 4th May 13
The Dragons were a credible threat because you actually fight them, and get your butt kicked by them on a regular basis. The Reapers threat level wavers all over the place, eventually settling into "ship with really big guns and techno-zombie crew"— a far cry from the mechanical Great Old Ones the first game made them. The dragons had a mouth and a face: Alduin The World Eater. The Reapers get jack shit, with ham factory Harbinger showing up for, what, five minutes? Kicking Alduin's scaly butt was the focus of the main quest, while Mass Effect's main goal, Stop The Reapers, was so broad and so big, there was no way they could write a way around that.
comment #19255 MachineMan1992 4th May 13

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