Useful Notes For The Love Of Many Discussion

Collapse/Expand Topics

10:04:26 AM Dec 2nd 2015
"regardless of what the "Sex Equals Love" trope would have you believe, it's possible to have sex with someone you don't love"

For most people. Other people, not so much.
03:48:43 PM Feb 22nd 2013
This article is evidently written from a Western perspective, with very little attempt to explain/understand other cultures. Bit of a disappointment.
01:50:16 AM Feb 23rd 2013
Yeah. However, most people write about what they know, and most tropers are from the West.
03:43:28 PM May 5th 2014
Most tropers here, that's for sure. Well, unless the survey that Eddie did some time ago has somehow become severely inaccurate, that is.
04:07:09 PM Jul 9th 2012
Lifelong? No, polyamory is not usually about forming lifelong bonds with more than one person. It's about forming bonds with more than one person that may be anywhere from lifelong to hour-long.
06:17:24 AM Nov 11th 2011
edited by Squakka
Perhaps I'm being biased, but, as a person in a closed polyamorous relationship, I was offended when I read: "Long story short, a "closed" relationship is one that is exclusive* This article, back when it was written solely by someone who is admittedly mono* , used the word "faithful" here. This word can be offensive to poly* individuals, as the word itself strongly implies cheating, which would be nonconsensual to at least one other partner." I personally consider myself and my lovers to be "faithful." Why would that be more offensive for poly people than for mono people? Of course it implies cheating, whether you're polyamorous or monamorous, cheating (being unfaithful) is bad. The fact that a poly person DOESN'T want to be referred to as being faithful, worries me, to be honest. Point being, no, "faithful" is not somehow pejorative to polyamorous people. What is offensive is when someone says poly people are unfaithful because they are in love with (and have sex with) more than one person. to say "faithful" is offensive to poly is nitpicking, in the same way that "religious" isn't offensive to non-mainstream religions, or "loyal" isn't offensive to anarchists.
09:51:08 AM Aug 29th 2012
You're missing the point. The meaning of the part you've quoted is not that being called faithful in general is offensive to poly people - it's wording the distinction between closed and open poly relationships as "faithfulness" that's offensive. Because to say that implies that people in open poly relationships are somehow less faithful than those in closed poly relationships. Whereas the difference is not the faithfulness of the members to the rules of the relationship / their partners, but the rules of the relationship itself.
07:00:00 PM Oct 8th 2011
There is a fair amount of info there but i think some points are missed.

Specifically the open versus closed relationship.

What an open relationship boils down to is

A) always be honest with your partner. You don't necessarily have to report every detail of your love life, but if asked, you must be truthful. If your partner ask you if you slept with someone, you actually need to say yes if you did. Otherwise, we have don't ask, don't tell, which, when not unfairly negotiated in the first place, requires an extreme amount of trust to work at all. B) Sex outside the relationship is not considered cheating. This is of course the big difference. Even swinging usually restricts the sex with others to special events, or to swapping. C) Proper precautions must be taken. Protection against ST Is and pregnancy is a MUST. Bringing an unwanted child or disease home is the fastest way to end an open relationship and put your partner off the idea of ever trying it again. D) unless the relationship is ALSO polyamorous (which can happen), you aren't allowed to fall in love with the others.

When one works, it's usually because both people are capable of separating sex from love, and really enjoy sex even without love. Sometimes there's a sex drive difference that's large, and the burden of remaining faithful becomes too great on the person with the bigger sex drive, and the other person understands. Sometimes the people just can't spend enough time together to satisfy their sex drives by only seeing each other, so they take other partners when apart.

Sometimes, however, one partner who knows s/he won't be able to stay faithful, or is just plain selfish will talk their lover into an open relationship that s/he doesn't really want. The fact that this does happen (and usually causes much suffering for the other person) is why many people find the idea distasteful, even if they are open to polyamory.

It's very difficult to have a neutral point of view on these topics. Polyamory in particular is a really touchy subject. A fair number of people think that love can't possibly work that way, and that if you love more than one person that way, you aren't as in love as you think you are. Whereas the other options are often rejected as "immoral" out of hand, it's harder to refute consensual polyamory on those grounds if you are honest with yourself.

Most people love more than one person. they love their family, they love their friends... but they only love one person in "that way". A polyamorous person loves more than one person in that way at the same time. And loving someone in "that way" usually means sex comes with it.
10:10:12 AM Aug 29th 2012
"Otherwise, we have don't ask, don't tell," <— This is a per-relationship thing, not a universal thing in open relationships. There's bound to be plenty of open relationships where people are A. expected to actually keep their partner(s) in the loop on any real development in the relationship, and B. are not at all bothered by hearing their partner discuss the details of their love life even when not asked.

Personally, I would be weary of unresolved insecurities in the person if they minded being told what was going on. To each their own of course, which is my point - open relationships don't necessarily default to 'don't ask don't tell' unless your partner asks you something specific like if you slept with someone.
Collapse/Expand Topics