Romance

I'm just the boy using to many chances...

Update: I decided to go for it, she said she isn't ready for a relationship right now but we can still be friends. I'm surprised at how well I'm taking this, considering how much I hyped her up in my head...maybe it's just nice to know that rejection isn't the end of the world.

So, that's that situation, if you were curious.

Sorry about that, but it's good she was nice to you and you're taking it well. Hope you both enjoy each other as friends. Try to maintain boundaries.

I did notice that afterwards, my feelings quickly cooled back down to 'close friendship'. I think it had flared up because she's been helping me with depression lately. Is that normal? Despite having been in two relationships (with both genders, even), I still don't understand everything...

Yeah that's a thing that can happen, people going though a tough time will often look at the person helping them and decide that they want to be in a romantic relationship with them.

Thing is such relationships often don't work, the kind of interaction two people have when one is helping the other out of a pit is often one sided, that's fine and okay because that's what a person needs when they're in trouble, but that can't become the basis for a relationship, because a healthy relationships is by definition not one sided, it's about more then just one person helping the other.

Then there's the confusion factor, it's easy to confuse someone giving you unconditional love (which a person is a bad situation will often need) as someone you have romantic feelings for, if you feel that you can't loose a person (which if they're helping you deal with depression may be true) one can mistake that for being in love with someone. Hell its possibly to simply feel that as you need that person making the relationship romantic is the best way to ensure they don't go anywhere.

Then there's the guilt/reward/sainthood factor, a person helping you out of a tough situation is going to appear at their very best to you (and as has been mentioned before, viewing a partner on a pedestal is not good) often a person might felt that they owe the person who's helping them in some way, or that by making the interaction romantic it could be evened up so that you're also giving them something back.

Now all of these feelings are subconscious and rarely something one realises is happening, it takes a lot of self awereness to notice that ones feelings may be based not on romantic attraction but on other temporary factors.

I can't say what if any of this applies to your situation, but it's all stuff that happens, even to smart people who are deliberately trying to avoid being a part of such a situation.

DLDR: Rescue Romances suck, be it physical rescues of psychological rescues.

edited 7th Feb '16 3:44:08 PM by Silasw

valuable advice for this thread on the whole:

and a followup in case instructions are unclear:

gonna try to see if she can't be persuaded to reschedule today when i see her. Wish me luck ya'll.

Should I forget about my crush and ask a friend to set me up on a blind date with someone else?

It depends. Has said crush already rejected you?

edited 8th Feb '16 8:21:27 AM by TooManyIdeas

Not explicitly, but I think it would be better if we just stayed friends.

Then it's time to expand the dating pool. That's what I'm going to be doing myself. Although I can't offer any further advice—I've never been on a blind date myself. Good luck!

I don't really like the idea of blind dates myself, but you know, different strokes and all that.

Eh, desperate times call for desperate measures.

Why are you desperate? That's kind of a bad place to approach dating from :'p

Wouldn't you be desperate if you were 18 & single?

i'm 19 and single and totally desperate not desperate at all tho

But I've never had a girlfriend.

Hey, my first girlfriend happened when I was 19 and now I'm a perfectly stable individual. There's nothing to fear.

Of course I say this now, but I was totally desperate back then.

You do not really want to be desperate though. I didn't have any kind of romantic experience until I was 21 (less than two years ago). There's nothing wrong with being single, and you aren't any lesser for having no romantic experience at this point.

Of course, it's fine to be interested in dating, but they're supposed to be complements to your life, not something you seek out of desperation. That's a bad foundation for a relationship that can lead to a lot of bad things happening. Paradoxically, the best way to have healthy relationships, whether romantically or not, is to not invest your self-worth into them.

Not that I blame you for feeling the way you do, in fact you would be unusually well-adjusted if you were, I'm just saying that it's ok for you to be where you are.

edited 8th Feb '16 9:50:24 AM by wehrmacht

I understand, but it just feels like I've "been there" long enough.

Spino, I'm 24, single, never had a relationship, sex or even a kiss^note professional kisses for a short movie don't count.

Seriously, don't give a hint that you're desperate or in absolute need of a relationship. People will notice it, trust me.

edited 8th Feb '16 9:57:48 AM by Quag15

Yes, desperation is actually a pretty unattractive quality. Paradoxically, you're more likely to attract someone if you're fine being on your own.

We agreed to reschedule. I worried myself for nothing. Granted, I've had a lot of flaky love interests in the past, so not hard to see why I thought she lost interest.

Either that or it attracts the wrong type of person for you.

edited 8th Feb '16 12:09:42 PM by Bleddyn