Buying Stuff from SCP-261

Output: A pack of sparkly black spheres. Packaging in previously unknown variants of Japanese and Korean, both of which were written entirely with Chinese characters. Spheres reported to taste just like [REDACTED]-brand cola, and do not melt even at room temperature. Chemical analysis revealed the composition of the spheres to be identical to that of [REDACTED]-brand cola.

Input: 1 sen.

^ For documentation purposes, researchers were politely reminded again to record whether or not SCP-261 was on or not, as it remains unknown whether power or a lack of power influences what objects SCP-261 vends.

Output: 1 diminutive dried shrimp, apparently dating from 1938, the same year that the 1 sen coin inserted was issued.

Input: 101 Yen, Unpowered.

Output: a small package of "Peanut Puppies," with labeling written in what was eventually determined to be the ficticious Mando'a language. The package contained ninety-nine animate, apparently sapient dalmatian puppies made of chocolate-coated peanut butter. The puppies screeched horribly when eaten, and the remaining dogs banded together to defend their comrades with surprisingly sharp teeth. Researchers did not have the heart to dispose of the remaining ninety-five puppies, and have placed them in a dollhouse until proper accomodations can be made.

777 yen, powered.

edited 30th Jun '10 10:36:47 AM by SullenFrog

Output: A bundle of miniature gummy dynamite sticks, labeled in extremely small lettering (taking a magnifying glass to the labeling revealed it to be written in Afrikaans). Each stick possesses a working fuse that will cause the stick to realistically explode when lit. For safety purposes, the fuses were removed before consumption. Raspberry flavored.

Input: 600 yen, powered.

Output: One extremely large jawbreaker-like candy, about the size of a basketball, wrapped in a transparent plastic foil with the words JAWBREAKER SKYLIGHT BOMB. Object was immediately placed in blast chamber, but after 24 hours it had still not detonated.

X-Rays and other analysis techniques showed that a metal window - with no walls around the frame and a solid backing on one side - was placed inside the candy in a manner that should be physically impossible. Apparently the side of the window that actually would have had a glass panel was some sort of portal to another dimension, causing a loop that replicated the window inside itself infinitely and to an infinitely small size.

Object was placed in a larger blast chamber and compacted with a car crusher, where it promptly exploded with the force of an ordinary car bomb. When videos of the explosion were reviewed, it was revealed a strange honeybee creature with white frizzy hair frowning, over writing several frames just after the detonation.

Why do I get the feeling this whole ordeal was an in-joke played by that crazy machine? - Dr. [REDACTED]

Input: Specialized instructions. Keep SCP-261 powered for the full duration of the experiment. Insert 1992 yen. Wait 5 minutes. Insert 11 yen. Wait 5 minutes. Insert 24 yen, press button.

edited 30th Jun '10 5:26:34 PM by iTroper

Output: A moderately-sized lacquered box with woodland designs on its lid and sides. Inside the box was a set of matryoshka dolls made out of hard candy and painstakingly decorated with food coloring. Researchers are currently torn between taste-testing the dolls or preserving them.

Input: 4444 Yen, Unpowered.

Output: Bottle of black liquid labelled in an unknown language. The only known substances present were water and sugar. The remaining compounds are currently unknown. Testing the liquid on anything living (plants, microbes, lab animals, Class D personnel) resulted in death. Of note was the time between exposure and death: the number of seconds was always a multiple of four.

Input: 200 yen, powered.

Output: A small bag of cheese puffs, with labeling in indecipherable hieroglyphs. The puffs came in several different and distinct cheese flavors, including mozzarella, Swiss, Gruyère, Asiago, feta, Gorgonzola, and Limburger.

Input: 108 yen, powered.

edited 3rd Jul '10 10:59:07 PM by KarlzBelena

Output: A box of small chocolate Buddhas. Reported to taste delicious.

Input: A legitimate ¥500 coin was melted down and and the metal used to cast on-site a coin indistinguishable from a legitimate ¥500 coin. Unpowered.

Output: SCP-261 vended a small can with a blue background and an illegible graffiti-esque scrawl of what was presumed to be a can of cheese whiz. Upon removing the cap and attempting to spread the presumed cheese whiz on a sample cracker, a clear liquid spray came out in its place. After forcing a Class-D to consume the cracker, it was determined that the can contained capsaicin dissolved in ethanol.

Input: 789 Yen, Powered.

edited 4th Jul '10 9:52:23 AM by CaptainNapalm

Output: One packet of "Bear Buddies" packaging in English. Contained 14 chewy candy bears in red, green and yellow. After Dr. Axes and Capt. Napalm each ate one, they began to swell, forcing both to spit them back out. They ceased growing at a height of 5 feet and 6 inches, then became animate but passive. Startled D-class guard shot three times at the bears, which simply absorbed the bullets into themselves. They were discovered to react to any commands given by the respective researcher who tasted them, and react violently when that researcher was threatened. The remainder of the packet has been confiscated for testing, although Dr. Axes has named his bear "Herbert" and currently employs his as one of his research assistants and personal body guard, claiming his attention to detail in experiments and other tasks is "Remarkable".

Input: 160 yen, Unpowered.

edited 4th Jul '10 10:52:13 AM by MadeOfAxes

Output: A plastic-wrapped ball of gummy "yarn", covered in sour sugar crystals. When unraveled, the string of yarn was five meters long. The sour crystals caused bleeding of the tongue and gums and irreparable damage to the taste buds when consumed.

Input: 400 yen, unpowered.

Item description: A single 20cm disc-shaped fruit. Upon consumption, subjects felt a sense of "godhood".

Money entered: 1,000,000 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered

[EXPERIMENT CANCELED]

Do you have a death wish?- Dr. ███

Input: 89 Yen, Unpowered.

Output: 1 ordinary Kit-Kat bar, with Japanese packaging.

Input: 90,210 Yen, Powered

edited 4th Jul '10 10:02:26 PM by CaptainNapalm

Output: Two plastic shapes (segments of a sphere), one red, one blue, the blue is slightly larger than the red. Packaging on the red hemisphere is Greek, while the blue is in badly broken Gaelic. Outputs 'locked' together into a sphere 21cm across, then opened to reveal a packet of biscuits and two pots of yoghurt. The first tasted like cherry. 20 seconds after consumption of the first yoghurt, subject began to speak fluently in several languages he did not know, eventually becoming unable to talk in his native tongue after 4 and a half minutes. After consumption of the second yoghurt, which tasted like blueberries (albeit spicy), effects ceased.

Input: 682 yen, Powered.

"You have no idea how long it took me to get this one cleared, considering 261's "thing" for making 682 lookalikes." — Dr. Axes

edited 5th Jul '10 10:21:46 AM by MadeOfAxes

Output: 25 Chocolate models of SCP-682 in packaging written in an unknown language. Testing revealed chocolate to be safe to eat. When packaging was shown to SCP-682, it became enraged.

Input: 31415 Yen, Powered.

Item description: Ninety-two unflavored crackers in a sealed plastic bag (unlabeled). Crackers are determined to be almost perfectly circular to the atomic level. Other than this, no unusual properties were reported.

Money Entered: 250,000 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered

Death wish it is then. - Dr. [REDACTED]

Output: SCP-261 dispensed what was first thought to be, of all things, a laptop computer. However, testing revealed that the materials in all it's parts were the normal materials mixed with milk chocolate. Due to the poisonous nature of gold, silicon and plastic, the laptop is currently being used by Dr. Gears, who says it is "not half bad as a computer for a snack food".

Input: One technically counterfeit 500 Yen coin, made with proper materials and official equipment from the Japanese mint, in Tokyo, and declared to be legal currency by the proper authorities.

edited 8th Jul '10 7:05:48 PM by iTroper

Output: One miniature cheesecake. Closer tests reveal the product to be made entirely of soy products and artificial flavorings, with no dairy added.

Input: 33300 yen, unpowered

edited 8th Jul '10 9:15:31 PM by JuiceBoxHero

Output: 180 grams of Noka Vintage brand chocolates. A handful of researchers remarked at the seeming incongruity of SCP-261 vending boutique chocolates as a snack food.

Input: 1,000,000 Yen, Powered. With explicit O-5 approval (so SCP-261 must vend something).

Output: A huge number of small sweets, unpackaged; total number estimated to be between 9*10^5 and 1.1*10^7. The first sweets dispensed appear to be standard peanut M&Ms. Subsequent sweets also appeared to be peanut M&Ms, but in colours not manufactured by Mars.

As dispensing went on, the composition of the sweets changed in increasingly bizarre and improbable ways, with the candy shell and chocolate mantle independently being replaced by other candies, other colours and flavours of chocolate, completely inverted sweets (ie, a candy core and chocolate shell with peanut mantle), sweets with different nuts, bare nuts, plain lumps of chocolate, lumps of candy, and towards the end, some sweets with nothing at all to do with M&Ms. Jolly Ranchers, marshmallows, gummi bears, and other substances were all in evident. Testing revealed a random portion of the output was unsafe for human consumptions.

The massive outpour resulted in the deaths of [REDACTED] research, [REDACTED] security, and [DATA EXPUNGED] D-class personnel, the destruction of three labs due to weight and shrapnel, and the accidental release of [REDACTED] Keter-class SCPs. SCP-261 was undamaged, and has been moved to a new, dedicated facility to prevent further containment breaches.

Input: One ¥500 coin with a hole in the middle. Unpowered.

Output: One package of wasabi-flavored Doritos, packaging in Japanese.

Input: 2500 yen and 200 Swedish kronor, powered.

Output: A small red box, upon being opened sprayed out large amounts of coinage and hit Dr. [REDACTED] in the face, causing a minor concussion. Coins found to be legal Yen, totaling the same face value as the amount of money put in.

So....Yen only, right. - Dr. [REDACTED]

Input: 5,000 Yen, powered.

Output: A large box of donuts labeled "Krispy Kreme X-Treme", all proven safe for human consumption. They came in a wide variety of flavors including pomegranate and starfruit jelly, Coca-Cola flavored sprinkles, cappucino creme filling and mint julep icing. An interview with employees of Krispy Kreme confirmed the suspicion that NONE of these flavors have ever been produced, currently or in the past. However, a manager expressed interest in our query and wishes to attempt research toward the mentioned flavors. It is theoretically possible the box may have come from the future and thus it's invention resulted from a time loop, however it remains to be seen if anything will come of the event. Memories have been modified to prevent knowledge of the Foundation while still allowing the hypothetical time loop to take place.

Input: 682,000 Yen, unpowered. (Time to test the new containment facility. I doubt it's been properly set up...)