William lulzblogs Chick Tracts because he hates himself

What English class are you in anyway?

Got to read Frankenstein and Dracula, so it must be a cool class.

The next book I'll be reading is World War Z. On the other hand, I'll also have to read Jane Eyre later in the class. But this part of the class is explicitly based on monster stories.

With baited breath, I wait.

I'll also have to read Jane Eyre

You poor bastard. I'll sacrifice a cat to THE GREAT MOTHERFUCKING PUMPKIN for you.

This is why I'm choosing Science Fiction to fill my literature class requirement. No Jane Eyre.

Hey, I'm reading World War Z! I saw it at the library and I was all like "I think that I will read that!" and so I did. So far I find it to be excellent.

edited 13th Sep '09 4:03:52 PM by Zudak

Don't spoil it for me.

I found Satan's leitmotif. Yes, I'm finding that funnier than I should.

Tzetze, that's perfect!

Don't spoil it for me.

I'm not that far into it myself. And even if I was, I'm not (I like to think) a humongous prick who spoils everyone's fun for th-SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE

I recommend also looking into the Zombie Survival Guide. Made by the same author and it's very well done.

edited 13th Sep '09 5:16:32 PM by Miijhal

I saw that somewhere, I think... In Borders at the mall before they closed, I think...

I read that as well. It's quite amusingly deadpan, but I don't see what's so special about it...

edited 13th Sep '09 5:24:46 PM by DireSloth

This one.

edited 13th Sep '09 5:51:06 PM by Katrika

Ooh! An anti-evolution tract is fine too!

edited 13th Sep '09 5:57:08 PM by DireSloth

Dire Sloth: Bated Breath.

William: I have World War Z. I need inspiration to read it.

No, BAITED breath. I ate some leeches earlier.

I see what you did there.

DID YOU KNOW THAT:

According to the footnotes for my copy of Dracula: "Van Helsing's startlingly vampiric memory suffuses Stoker's good men with a homoeroticism his vampires shun."

AND NOW YOU KNOW.

Anyways, on to the actual lulzblogging. This time, we're lulzblogging "The Little Bride", as suggested by Dire Sloth.

First panel. An evil-looking teacher, apparently named "Ms. Henn", is telling her children to do their homework and that it's a three-day weekend. Not very interesting. Next panel, two girls are running up to Suzy on a white background(are we still in the school, or what?) telling her some exciting news.

Next two panels, the two girls are talking about someone named Amir, who talks about God. He's a Muslim, though, so he'll be an obnoxious Jack Chick villain instead of an obnoxious Jack Chick hero. Also, the way the girls are drawn in these two panels(especially the one on the right) is very Uncanny Valley.

And in the next panel, Suzy asks Fuhrer King Bradley her grandfather what a Muslim is. What's a Muslim? Do you mean an Ishvalan? Oh, and we learn that her friends' names are Becky and Tashana. Fuhrer Bradley wants to know who's been talking to them because he wants all Ishvalans to die.

But anyways, Fuhrer Bradley is telling her granddaughter that she needs to tell her friends about Jesus. Yet again, the bizarre fact that people in the Chickiverse haven't heard of Christianity rears its ugly head. Fuhrer Bradley goes on to tell Suzy that her friends are in danger because he's going to kill them these girls are being converted to Islam, which is apparently spreading into their neighborhoods.

Next panel, Fuhrer Bradley is sitting in a chair with shark fins or something, and drinking coffee. He's talking about how the Muslims call their god "Allah"(no, it's the same God, you ignorant fool) and Mohammed wrote the Qur'an.

Next panel, Fuhrer Bradley mentions their other holy book, the Hadith, and says that he did some strange things. And in the panel after that, Suzy is smiling, with her hands on her cheeks, as Fuhrer Bradley prepares to rape her tells her how her friends must hear what Jack Chick has to say about Mohammad before converting.

And Fuhrer Bradley says that the God of Islam is not the God of the Bible, and to listen very carefully. But we're not going to hear what Fuhrer Bradley has to say, because it's too horrific for human ears Jack Chick has suddenly gained a lick of dramatic sense. Instead it cuts to the next day, where Suzy is directed to the backyard where her two friends are talking to the two eeeeeevil Muslims!

And now we have Suzy talking to one of the girls from earlier, where Amir is teaching the words you have to say to become a Muslim. But before Amir can finish telling Suzy's two friends(the other of which has suddenly appeared where Suzy was in the last panel), Suzy sticks her hand out and activates her Geass yells at her friends to not ever say those words.

And in the next panel, Amir's QUALITY face asks why she stopped them. Next, she repeats the names of the two holy books that Fuhrer Bradley told them. Her next question is if Mohammed is a prophet and prophets can't lie. Amir says this is true. And a Muslim woman pops out of the wall to tell her children that they're leaving for the airport, but Amir wants to debate Suzy.

Either way, on the next panel, Suzy's white friend is talking about how wonderful Mohammad is, while having one of the creepiest smiles I've ever seen. And her black friend has suddenly gained a grid pattern on her skin. And now Suzy has transitioned to the omnipresent white background of Jack Chick comics, and is telling her black friend about how Mohammad said Adam was 90 feet tall.

That sounded fairly ridiculous, so I googled it. And apparently one of the hadiths did say that Adam was 60 cubits tall, but some Muslim site I found said that it meant that humans become about 90 feet tall in Paradise. Either way, I don't find that particularly ridiculous in the grand scheme of things, because I've read Genesis and remember the ridiculously long lifespans.

Next, Suzy is mentioning something about Allah turning Jews into rats, pigs, and monkeys. I did some googling on this fact and cannot find a single source outside of Christian anti-Islamic pages mentioning this fact. IM conversation with Goggle Fox also reminds me that there are no monkeys in the Middle East.

And in the next panel, Suzy tells her black friend who looks like she suddenly gained ten pounds that Mohammed had 16 wives and two slave women. This fact is incredibly dubious for two reasons—number one being that everything I've heard says that Muslims aren't allowed to have more than four wives and number two being that he isn't even citing a primary source for this like he has been previously. He's citing a book being published by his own company, written by someone named Robert Morey that a cursory Wikipedia search leads me to believe is in the same fundamentalist circle as Jack Chick, and titled "The Islamic Invasion". His name also popped up in my search for the pigs, rats, and monkeys thing, which makes me think that most of this stuff was invented wholesale by Robert Morey.

Anyways, now we're talking about how old his wives were. Apparently one of them married at the age of 9. This is shown as being a disgusting, horrible thing, and in the modern era, I'd probably agree. However, in ancient times, 9 is only slightly younger than the years I usually heard for women being married off. Back then, you tried to marry as soon as puberty hit, because as soon as puberty hit, you were in danger of having a baby born in wedlock, And That's Terrible.

As a sidenote, this is one of the less enjoyable lulzblogs, because too much of it is a rant against Islam, which I do not know much about, and Fuhrer Bradley only appeared for a short while.

But anyways. Now Suzy says that Allah is not the god of the Bible. This is a blatant lie, considering that the Christian Bible is part of Muslim scripture. I'm hoping that Jack Chick mentions Termagant here, because that would be hilarious.

But anyways, next we cut to a picture of the "Moon God". Suzy explains that the Moon God is Allah, and that's why the crescent moon and star is a symbol of Islam. So I went to The Other Wiki to check to see the origin of the crescent and star, and found out that...they don't know. It might have been a Sassanid symbol, or it might have been a Byzantine symbol. But there is no mention of any Moon God because Wikipedia requires actual research to have been done.

Anyways, she's now talking about how Mohammad's body is still in the grave, so he can't get you to heaven, but Jesus rose from the dead, so he can. And her white friend doesn't know about Jesus. Have I mentioned how ridiculous this feature of the Chickiverse is? And now she's telling us that Jesus created the universe in six days. I'm pretty sure that Jesus wasn't in that part of the Bible.

And in the next panel, she talks about how on the sixth day, he created dinosaurs(but for some reason couldn't put them on the ark, despite the fact that he put friggen mosquitos on the ark), and the panel after that gives us a Bible quote that I'm absolutely sure has been in a previous Chick tract. What is it with fundamentalist Christians and repeating the same few lines from the Bible over and over again? Oh, and her two friends are suddenly at a table, with no explanation.

And now Suzy is about to explain Christianity. I swear that this stuff has been explained before in one of these tracts, so I'm going to kind of skim over this. The Holy Ghost came upon a young virgin named Mary, and suddenly she wasn't a virgin anymore she became pregnant, proof that abstinence is not, in fact, a perfect method of preventing pregnancy.

Blah, blah, blah, Jesus shed precious blood for our sins. Suzy's friends are convinced that they should become Christian instead of an eeeevil Muslim. And in the next panel, they're magically saved, and going to heaven, and her black friend cries for the poor Muslims who have been lied to.

And the little fucking box. I must say this: I'm disappointed that THE GREAT MOTHERFUCKING PUMPKIN wasn't in this one. Also: I don't know much about Islam, and since this tract was mostly an anti-Islam rant, it wasn't very fun for me like the last three were. I'm going to do the evolution one next, because I know a lot more about evolution than I do about Islam.

The other Islam one was funnier.

Ah, Easy Evangelism. Funny that he thinks it would be easier to convert the impossibly uneducated. Well, sad, actually.

As to ninety feet tall people, I once read that Jain cosmology is sort of like that... during the first "ara" people were so and so tall, and then in the next "ara" they are half as tall, and so on and so forth until we're two feet tall and life really really sucks, then we start growing again. Or something. Wikipedia doesn't mention this.

Holy crap, all the Off-Model shots made me lol so hard. And why the hell does the grandpa have an eyepatch?

He lost his eye slaughtering Muslims for Blackwater.

He's hiding his Ouroboros tattoo behind it.