Let's Watch: The Little Panda Fighter

Ahhhh, the gentle mockbuster, the pinnacle of YMMV. There are examples of So Bad, It's Good, So Bad Its Horrible, and even on some cases So Okay, It's Average. The three reigning examples it seems are The Asylum, Dingo Pictures and the bottom of the barrel...

Video Brinquedo.

Yes, while all of the above have Mockbusters that are their own horridness (Ranging from bad effects, worse acting, and the worse offender, retarded plot. All of them are guilty of this at one point or another, but Video Brinquedo is guilty of all of them all the time, so it seems.

I digress though, I believe it's time to start my next "Let's Watch" on a worse thread than a bad Disney sequel, so let's start off with a bad movie all together. I haven't seen this movie prior to this viewing, so I'll be as disgusted and horrified as you lot.

As Film Brain has done [[Ratatoing]] and The Asylum, as Ronka has done Dingo Pictures, I will do Video Brinquedo! My sanity suffers for YOUR enjoyment!

So join me in watching...Video Brinquedo's horrid Kung Fu Panda knock off, The Little Panda Fighter.

edited 22nd Sep '10 2:20:02 PM by MichaelDj54

"Renko"? You mean Ronka? She's liveblogging Animal Soccer World as we speak, if you're interested.

edited 22nd Sep '10 2:13:37 PM by WillyFourEyes

Derp. Fixed. And yeah, I know, I've read that and Dinosaur one, still makes me laugh to this day.

This oughta be good. *pops some popcorn*

This should be entertaining.

Deep breath...let's just get right into this, shall we? Deep breath, sanity normal, vital signs all clear, urge to gouge my eyes out....meh, low. Let's jump into part one, shall we?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c42u5VACtHs Watch part one with me here.

Because if I'm going down I'm going to take you ALL with me.

So our story opens to quite possibly the most bland backdrop ever: A building, a river, a bridge and a large plain. Wow, this is the first scene and I all ready feel the despair slowly growing in the pit of my stomach.

The music is this annoying droning sound peppered with someone sticking their finger in their mouth and making that obnoxious popping sound when they pull their finger out quickly enough. In bright bold red letters, the title "THE LITTLE PANDA FIGHTER" doesn't seem to inspire it's own confidence.

We hold this shot for about fifteen seconds at the "Bear Bar Box", the worst title for anything ever, when we cut to—

HOLY CRAP GIANT EYE.

Yeah, the movie decided to not be subtle (though that wasn't that diffcult, considering this damn production studio) and show us the main hero right away, whistling a tune that makes me envy the deaf. Yeah, it's tunless, loud, shrill and annoying, and he doesn't know how to catch a tune. Also, why is he just standing there daydreaming? Is he really that entranced in the horrible synth music?

He's leaning on a mop and his head and hips are switching between two pre set positions while a polar bear (in CHINA? REALLY?) walks over and knocks the mop out of his hand, insert wacky falling sound effects, and we're good to go.

"Stop day daydreaming Pandcatta! Those floors aren't gonna mop themselves ya know!" The massive polar bear shouts in a...VERY reconizable voice, where do I know it from!?

"Dah, sorry Mr. Polaris! I must have drifted off for a second! It won't happen again sir I promise, I'll get this floor done in no time!"

Oh sweet Jesus it's Dan Green.

Also, watch their mouths when they talk. I love horrible dubbing, I love when they can't even bother to try and match the words up to what they're saying. I love how Dan Green has basically sold his soul to what could be satan (Oh wait 4Kids lol)

"Here we ahe on Fight Night and I've got a Panda Pipe dreaming all over da joint!" Bad dubbing aside, but all over "da" joint? He was standing in that one location, he wasn't even moving, save for the faint flicking of his preset "left and right" positions.

Pandcatta I think his name is picks himself up and says "Pft Fight night, fight night, big deal! who cares about some dumb old fight night?" And he immediately starts daydreaming again. Well, that was...necessary. We're not even a minute in people be very afraid.

Then we cut to his daydream where he's....wearing a blonde wig....and.....dancing to a horrible rendition of "Maniac"....

What.

Seriously, what the hell is with this scene? I know it's probably his dream but he wants to be a bad 80's excercise instructor?

So...suddenly he's in a bucket where a Brown bear in Roller skates rolls up and says "You better watch yourself Pandacatta or you'll be day dreaming in the unemployement line! Ugh, pandas." I can't help but feel that's a bit racially insensitive. Are all panda's lazy? If not, get ready to get a visit from the Human Resources lady. Also: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!?

We then cut to night...I assume, since it's a little darker shade of light in the place and we have what looks like a down on his luck care bear (literally, that's a fucking care bear: Name is Sweet Bear, Pink fur, insignia on his stomach. Brinquedo are you TRYING to get sued?!)

The other one is some giant brown bear with a mohawk, razor sharp teeth and a bad earring. His only actions (Thank god, I think I would kill someone if he talked) are...opening one eye a little bit more than the other to seem...threatening? Also, his name is Teddy Thunders. A boxing name if I ever heard it.

So...after a very quick fight scene (And a horrible fight scene too! most of it is just the Care Wannabe flashing between two still shots and flying at the bigger bear) while the announcer in the background sounds like he's trying to say all of his sentences/exposition in one breath.

"This could be the night where ANYTHING HAPPENS! Oh talk about your up and up could this be victory for sweet bear?! Oh, I'm afraid we have all too clear an answer folks, the winner is Teddy Thunders and that makes his fourty fifth in a row."

45 in a two years? Aren't these fights like....every week? Fucking inconsistencies.

Polaris is not pleased. As Film Brain says, "Exposition! Do your duty!"

"I don't believe it, he's killing me this guy he wins every time! That's why no one comes to the fights no more, it's a joke! There's no suspense, everyone knows he's gonna win! Tha freak teddy is putting me out of business!"

Thank you for saying the same damn thing over and over again when it could have been summed up in "He keeps winning, this is bull."

The...strange....wombat....Yogi thing sitting across from him says he used to be unbeatable too and retired and opened this place. I love it when Backstory is told to me.

Polaris says he would show him a thing or too, Yogi clone says that he can't it's in the contract (way to weasel your way out of ending the movie in a matter of seconds, movie), and the girl bear from before shows up and swoons over Teddy. Wait...is that...oh god, please tell me that's not who I think it is...

Yeah..it's meowth's Voice actor, M Addie Blaustein.

I have to stop here. My head is throbbing and it's only 3 minutes it's. Sweet god, help me in my time of need,

(To be continued...)

Well, it doesn't seem as bad as Ratatoing.

Also, were they not content with ripping off Kung Fu Panda? Did they need to rip off the Carebears too?

edited 27th Sep '10 3:55:33 PM by gentlemanorcus

Maybe the same fighters don't fight every week, so this Teddy guy hasn't had a chance to win every week...?

^ Or maybe Bear Fight Club doesn't meet Christmas, Easter, and summer holidays.

Get ready to get a visit from the Human Resources lady.

Surely you mean Animal Resources. ;)

This is pretty bad, I gotta say. Good luck getting through this, it'll be a slog, I wager. How long is this? 50 minutes? You poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor man.

Part 2!

The little yogi thingy (I think his name is Grizzle Puss. God I hate this) runs into Pandcatta.

"Boy I tell ya, that Teddy Thunders. He may be a pain in Polaris' paw, but the girls go googly over him!"

"Yeah, you said it!" Pandcatta says as he looks over to the side at something obviously more interesting than this movie. "I wish they were googly over me, that way..." Please stop saying googly. "You know I'm just not tough enough. But then, I don't like to fight." I like how his lips and almost entire body moves when he talks, like his body is designed to just move with him.

"Oh quit yankin' my fur, Pandcatta! Who are you trying to fool?" He asked. Apparently not liking fighting is the most absurb thing ever! God help you if you're a pacifist, then you're REALLY fucked.

"OH, what I meant was, I LOVE IT!" Pandcatta says with a bit too much enthusiasm. Lady bear is now suddenly behind him.

"Oh, Teddy, isn't he so dreamy?" She swoons.

"Hey, get this," Grizzle speaks up, the Meowthness behind his voice suddenly VERY apparent. "The kid here doesn't like to fight, she thinks it's too violent!" Um...He never said it was too violent, he just said he doesn't like to fight. CONSISTENCY!

Lady Bear gives Pandcatta quite possibly the most scathing, hate filled glare I think I've ever seen someone give someone in a Video Brinquedo flick. However, this could be bad animation and she just got caught mid blink and stuck. Who knows?!

"Ugh. Shouldn't you get back to work?"

"I'm all done! The thing is, Mr. Polaris isn't in the best of moods and I was just wondering if I could leave early. Besides, it's pretty slow in here."

"Leave early? Why would YOU need to?" That's right lady, pour it on, show the hate in your voice! "It's not like you have a date. Who'd go out with you?" And Bitch-Status achieved! You are now Bitch Bear from now until the end of the movie!

Also, look at her hair as she's rolling away. It looks like her hair is in layers, with one not moving and the other layer moving too much.

Meanwhile, in Polaris' office, Pandcatta shows up. "Mr. Polaris?"

"Yeah, Pandcatta, come on in."

And now comes one of the most memorable padding sequences in this movie! For 8 seconds straight it's just Pandcatta walking into office. no sound, no one talking, just Pandcatta. Walking. Into the office. For eight seconds. I know it doesn't seem like much but...just watch it, it's so...unnecessary. Not only that, but he does it slowly. In fact, padding counter! Everytime something that shoudln't happen happens, it's a padding point!

Padding counter: 1

"Well sir, I was wondering, if, um, I mean, if you don't mind, I could go home early tonight."

"Well that DEPENDS!" Watch how Polaris twitches eradically. It looks like he's getting ready to seizure. "Did you clean the ring?"

"Yes sir!"

"Silver wear polished?"

"Spick and spam!"

"Dishes all waaashed?!"

"Not many to wash, but they're done!"

My god this is boring. I swear I'm typing everything they're saying, this is the honest to god dialouge. DO SOMETHING!

"Well, no skin off my back, it has been a pretty night. We've had nothing but slow nights lately! This place reminds me of a mourge!"

Yadda yadda yadda, they have an arguement about how Teddy's burying the palce and I don't care because we all ready FUCKING HEARD IT!

I'm counting this as padding because I have a feeling they knew what they were doing.

Padding counter: 2.

We then cut to an odd looking temple like area! What could be here I wonder? Find out next time folks because honestly I just don't give a fuck.

I just can't figure out the name "Pandcatta." It sounds like a girl's name, too.

Let us have a moment of silence for the late Maddie Blaustien; woe betide her that the voice of the one and only Meowth had to get involved with.... this.

^ I like to think that everyone affiliated with this movie was held at gun point. It helps to think they didn't do this WILLINGLY.

Part 3!

So at the weird lookign shrine building thingy, we've got this little brown bear sitting out front meditating. It's pretty obvious even this "Master Xin" finds Pandcatta annoying. FINALLY someone else I can relate to.

So after forcing him to go get dressed (consisting entirely of head and ankle bands), and makes him dance to another crappy dance number. This part cracks me up because Xin's face goes D: and we IMMEDIATELY Cut to the next scene. Mmmm, padding!

Padding counter: 3

"Your mind appears to wander," Xin says, now that it's night time (dancing for hours, the poor bastard).

"Me, Wander?" Pandcatta asks. "No way." I can't tell if that was a fat joke, so I'll take it. Lol, fat jokes.

"Too much confusion can make you mentally unstable. I think you are unstable." Wow, is everyone a raging dick to Pandcatta? D On't get me wrong, this guy probably de serves it, but geez. "What's weighing you dooown?"

"Well, I've always been a...LITTLE pudgy." You've passed "Little pudgy" when your gut makes bongo noises when you pat it.

"That's not what I've meant!" Xin scolds. "What's on your mind?" Also, I think Xin suffers from muscle spasms, his eyelids/eyes are shooting all over the place. It's kinda funny.

"Well there's this girl. We work together down at the club, see, and I think she's really neat!" That's why she talks down to you, emotionally taunts you and considering you the equivelent of scum! She's just neat! "She doesn't even know I exist. To that girl i"m a loser." No, that proves she knows you exist, she just thinks you're a loser, you loser.

I can't really make out what Xin says next because Pandcatta goes "MHM YEAH OKAY MHM" like an idiot. So I the whole talk was aout Loyalty, and we come to this.

"I'm talking about what's INSIDE, THAT'S your essense!"

"My essense...?"

"Quiet, pandcatta." Yes, please, shut him up. "Close your eyes and clear your mind of all worldly possessions."

Wait, why are you suddenly shutting him up, didn't he ask a question? Even if he is annoying he at least wants an answer...

H Owever, Pandcatta can't catch a fucking hint and sniffs at himself. "ooh, my essense? You must be smelling my CALOOOGNE"

"mmmmAREYOUNUTSmmmmm..."

MEANWHILE, BAD TRANSITION TO THE BAR...

Pandcatta is talking to Polaris, who is either wearing the tightest leather suit or doing the equivelent of Bear Blckface. This movie is showing raci everst signs anyway, so you may as well just throw caution to the wind and say "Fuck it."

So apparently Polaris' plan is to wear this suit and become the "Great Bear of Mystery" (doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, does it?), so after...smelling something (sigh), he decides to jump to the next exciting plot point!

TO THE CLEANERS! What riviting action could we possibly see there!? The excitement may be too much!

So calling it right now—Pandcatta's cologne is, in fact, a plot point somehow.

It's the least of this movie's problem, but that panda isn't "little."

But if it didn't have "Little" in front of it, how would be know it was Video Brinquedo?

Ah, yeah, right. That wacky Video Brinquedo.

Part 4!

Let’s get right into the MIND BLOWING ACTION by having Pandcatta go across the bar to the cleaners! ADVENTURE HO!

However, he stops upon seeing Bitch Bear sitting at the bar. “Honey, good morning to you!” Wait, is her NAME Honey or are you calling her honey in a relationship type of way? If it’s the later, you need a restraining order on your happy ass. Also, he’s crawling DEEP in the UncannyValley here, that smile is too…toothy. “What’s so great about it?” either she’s high or drunk, based on the way she’s talking. “Did you have a ‘’great night’’ last night?”

“Oh, that!” Pandcatta fumbles and HOLY SHIT! Did you see that?! His mouth disappeared into his NECK! Damn this movie! It doesn’t help that he looks like the horrible product of Gmod, but you’re going to have his head glitch too! Video Brinquedo, I expected better from-psssh hahahaha, wait, no I didn’t.

So he stumbles around his words like a frigging goober, his head twitching (mind you, the only part of his entire BODY that moves, it’s very creepy) and comes up with the brilliant, “I was watching that ‘’totally’’ awesome boxing match like everyone else was!”

Looong Beat later…

“Duh!” Bitch Bear hits herself in the head, probably to fix the inevitable eye closing she was feeling. “I know that silly, I mean after you left here.”

“I had to handle some private personal business!” Pandacatta explains, moving a little bit too much just to do some common talking. “And speaking of personal business, I have to handle some personal business right now!”

Oh DanGreen, WHY.

So he VERY slowly (and I put more emphasis on the VERY) walks off screen while Bitch Bear strokes her chin (I think, from the animation it looks like she’s trying to eat her own god damn finger) and ponders how weird he is. Weird is the least of his problems.

TO THE BASEMENT!

Oh wow. OH WOW. This is just insulting to us. Folks, this is nothing more than 30 seconds of full on fucking PADDING. They show almost every detail of him putting the clothes in the washing machine, put the soap in, close it, push the button, and just STANDS THERE. NOTHING is accomplished. NOTHING is said. There is no POINT for this scene. And what does he do after the 30 long seconds of NOTHING?

HE DANCES.

This was almost a minute of nothing but NOTHING. Brinquedo, there’s padding, there’s stretching shit out, and then there’s just insulting my fucking intelligence.

Padding counter: 6 (I’m adding 3 for insulting the viewers)

So yadda yadda yadda, Bitch Bear comes down and after a good amount of lies and wacky mishaps, he makes her think that he’s into martial arts. Thus let the lies overflowed. So finally they leave the basement and leave the washing machine running.

Gee, I sure hope this doesn’t come back to bite them in the ass in the near future.

So either they’re there early in the morning or it’s the NEXT morning, because the paper arrives (crumpled up, then suddenly flat against the door. PHYSICS!), and Bitch Bear picks it up, depicting Polaris in his outfit.

Hang on, I think I’m missing something here. If this IS the same morning, then how did Polaris take the picture when he told Pandcatta to wash it? If it’s the NEXT morning, is the outfit still in the washing Machine? Either way, this needs to be addressed.

Also, please take a look at the newspaper in question. 1: I understand that boxing is apparently pivotal in this damn movie, not to mention the country in general, but does it really deserve from page news? 2: FREAK Teddy? I thought his name was Teddy Thunders! 3: If these people can’t tell that’s Polaris, I’m beginning to question whether or not they’re mentally retarded. He’s not even wearing a mask! He looks EXACTLY Like Polaris and no one else is going to call it out?! Same build, same face, same height, same EVERYTHING! From what I’ve seen, Polaris IS the only Polar Bear, everything else is a generic stretched out Gummy Bear! 3 WallBangers on the SAME NEWS PAPER?! GAH!!!!

So apparently because he doesn’t show his face, according to Bitch Bear, he’s a coward. God she’s beginning to piss me off, and ya know what? I have a feeling she’s gonna get worse.

So as usual, Pandacatta comes to the “Masked Bears” defense, and as usual, they taunt, laugh at him and he walks off.

Christ, that’s all I can take right now. I need to take a break. Stay tuned for part 5 ya’ll.

edited 11th Oct '10 3:16:53 PM by MichaelDj54

WHERE IS THIS MOVIE GOING DOES IT EVEN HAVE A PLOT YET ARRRGGGG

"Personal business." Arg. I can't unsee it.

Oh... oh dear god, please tell me there's not a training montage in this movie. I have a feeling if there was one, it would make Rocky want to claw out his own eyeballs.

I just can't get over how stupid this movie is. It's less like a movie and more like a really annoying video game, where everyone you walk up to dishes out pages of exposition you don't need or already know and nothing happens and when it does it's still boring.

And what kind of name is "Pancatta" for a panda a protagonist for ANYONE?

^ Ilove that sentence. Video Brinquedo has movies that are like horrible games, and Dingo Pictures are games that are horrible movies.

^^ Pray for us if there is one. Good god.

^^^ Video Brinquedo: Where Movies are doing everthing and yet literally NOTHING.

That care bear at the beginning is the stuff of nightmares... The only character I find remotely likeable is the polar bear, everyone else is either a total jerk or a total idiot.

And what kind of name is "Pancatta" for a panda a protagonist for ANYONE?

-after five minutes of uncontrollable laughter- Would you rather they defiled a good name?

There comes a time when a man is forced upon him the weight of the world...when he has duties to uphold...when he has a destiny...

There are also times when that man manages to get it all done and has free time to watch horrible Dreamworks Movie knockoffs from a Brazilian studio that can't even control it's own characters.

Fuck.

Point is, I'm back folks! So, don the dumb hats, pray for Dan Green, and let's jump into the fire that I'm going to be bursting into inevitably.

Part 5!

We cut into Polaris' office (By the way, check out the back wall. I love how there's horrible knock offs of Lucha Libre and Rocky posters. God dammit, Brinquedo). Once more, Pandcatta sloooowly walks into the room. God dammit.

Padding Counter: 7 (I'm thanking god I didn't make this a drinking game)

"Well Pandcatta, tonights the big night!" Polaris exclaims happily.

"That's right! It's made all the papers, look at the headlines!" Once more, I question the necessity to have a new boxing opponent be front page news worthy.

"Boy, I can't wait to put on that costume!"

"Mmm?!" I love this bit right here. Pandcatta realizes what he did and did the natural "Jerk Back in Shock" movement, and he doesn't move afterwards. I don't know why, but that's funny. And lazy.

"You DID remember to wash my costume, didn't you kid?"

"Oh, sure, you bet I did!" Once more, rapid movement of all portions of your body is not how normal people communicate, Brinquedo. Try again. "Nice and fresh and clean, all ready for you!"

"Well if it's so nice and fresh and clean, why ain't I wearing it yet!?" It's true, if this does seem to be going by the time I've estimated, the clothes have been in the wash for 8 hours. I don't even forget my shit for 8 hours. More like 2. Sometimes 5.

"Well I'll tell you, I just have to press it is all! You don't want your beautiful costume all wrinkly on your big night, do you?" Once more, WHY is he wearing a Costume? For god sake, like I said, it's so OBVIOUSLY him.

So he rushes off and falls down the stairs (Sad to say, he does NOT break his neck. Lord knows I was wishing), and runs to the washing machine to reveal...

They shrunk a little.

GASP! But when you look, it doesn't even look like they shrank. But I'm sure this will not come back and bite us in the ass as it did the first time! Oooh no.

"Hmm...looks like it shrunk a little." Thank you Captain Obvious. "Well, could be worse I suppose. I'm sure he'll be too excited to notice anyway."

So...I have to ask, since I didn't last time. Why does this place have a cleaners? No one wears clothes. No one. The most concealing article of clothing I have seen so far has been the ties. And even then...why?

Bad transition to HORRIBLE BEAR MOUTH...

"In this corna!" Shouts the announcer bear. "Weighing in at 800 Pounds, the national heavy weight champion for two consecutive years, the dangerous...the fabulous...FREAK TEDDY!" Teddy Thunders god dammit! You can't just change your fucking characters name in the middle of the movie just because you feel like it!

"And entering the ring, a brand new challenger! Weighing in at 700 pounds (Little Tid Bit: Polar Bears usually weigh around 770 pounds to 1500 Pounds. Couldn't even change it to a slightly more correct version huh?), please welcome the great bear of mystery!"

"THE ONLY THING MYSTERIOUS ABOUT THIS NOT-SO-GREAT BEAR IS HOW LONG IT'LL TAKE BEFORE HE STARTS SCREAMIN' FOR HIS MOMMA."

Jesus fucking christ.

"Gentlemen, please remove your robes and let the match begin!" And here's what kills me. Polaris' clothes shrink ON him. That's right, with cliched rubber stretching sound effects too! I don't even think it's possible for clothing to shrink on you after it's been out of the wash for a while, but if it is, well then I learned something.

What cracks me up even further about this is the fact that his "mask" actually shrinks so much, it splits in two and covers BOTH of his eyes. First of all, I don't even think that's POSSIBLE. Second of all, that's RETARDED. Third of all: No.

Bitch Bear is in awe. "No way! Could it be...?"

...No, movie.

"It looks like Pandcatta!"

No.

"Nah, it can't be! He's over there mopping the floor!" There's no one mopping the floor.

No. God dammit. Movie. No. You're not allowed to pull THIS cliche. This is where I draw the line. I'm now convinced that these people are mentally retarded. How the hell are you going to confuse Polaris, a tall, muscle bound POLAR BEAR with a fucking derpy looking DAN GRE-I mean PANDA.

Looks like the fight is up next. I have to stop now, lest I punch through my computer screen in anger.

"Could it be Penry, the mild-mannered JANNITAH?"

edited 5th Nov '10 1:20:34 PM by FreezairForALimitedTime