Writing a hero who hates herself for being a Blood Knight

I'm working on a chracter who is genuinely heroic. She fights to protect the innocent and sees her fellow soldiers as family. She has one major flaw though: this hero is a massive Blood Knight.

Nothing brings her more satisfaction than going to war. She loves killing, she loves nearly dying, she loves crushing her enemies beneath her boot, and she loves the sounds of gunfire, napalm, and dying screams across the battlefield. Even the sight of her own comrades getting hurt or dying brings a thrill to her heart. Basically, think of the Major from Hellsing.

This hero is absolutely disgusted with herself for her love of war. She knows that we can't help what we like, but she can't help feeling incredibly guilty for getting such enjoyment from something so horrible. Basically, she knows that War Is Hell, but can't help but feel that War Is Glorious.

What I need help with is, how do I present this to the reader? The golden rule of writing is Show, Don't Tell. Well how do show the internal conflict between her genuine heroism and her unshakable sadism? I want the reader to be able to figure it out for themselves without just having her just say it.

edited 16th Apr '18 5:30:36 PM by ChaoticQueen

Write his thoughts, have panels of her thinking about it is the easier and most effective way.

Show her being a sadistic Blood Knight and then show her hating herself after it. Show her facial expression.

If this is a book, then you will have to say it outright.

edited 17th Apr '18 8:04:48 PM by KazuyaProta

Her, not his.

It is a book, but the universal rule is Show, Don't Tell.

OP I've been thinking about your query, it interests me. I think to give good advice I need to know more about the world that the main character lives in. Is it the real world or a fantasy or sci-fi world? And if it's the latter, is it a world that resembles our western society? Because I could see her guilt about being a sadist come from the whole "society agrees murder is bad" thing. Let me know!

Yeah, I accidentally wrote his.

And no, Show, Don't Tell isnt a totally absolute rule. You dont have to avoid him or the narrative mentioning his issues.

The best stories show AND tell. Showing without telling can gets too ambiguous and people might misinterpret what you want to say.

You want a example? The Universal Century Gundam shows made for Yoshiyuki Tomino have a clear message of how Newtypes arent gonna create a utopia just by existing, but because no character outright states it, you end up with a decent segment of the fanbase that thinks that Newtypes are gonna create a utopia if left alone and free.

That is bad because it obviously lead to Rooting for the Empire, a empire outright based on Imperial Japan and the Nazis.

It's set 200 years in the future, but low-key on the sci-fi. The world is relatively peaceful, but of course conflict will always exist.

The hero started off as an average soldier fighting in a war for her country. The sight of her comrades dying horrified her and she eventually came home with minor injuries. As she looks back, she realises that she actually misses the conflict. Where most would suffer PTSD as they're reminded of the horrors they faced, she can only look back on how thrilling it was to stare death in the face, to have bullets barely miss her and to add another kill to her score.

She knows these are horrible thoughts and tries to push them away, but eventually it becomes too much. She decides that if she's going to go back out and fight to get that rush again, she's going to at least see that something positve comes of it. So she joins a small private military company whose primary goal is to preserve peace throughout the world. Basically think of the Minutemen from Fallout 4.

In the end though, saving lives is only a secondary goal to the hero, and she's fully aware of this fact. She wants to be a real hero who puts protecting the innocent before anything else, but she simply can't deny the fact that she lives for war first and foremost.

Thanks for the info!

I think I got a bit too caught up in how I'd write this character, so rather than tell you what I'd do, I'll try to focus on your original query, which was how to communicate this to the reader without telling it outright.

My main idea for showing and not telling is to show how the main character feels after a battle. I imagine her adrenaline would be pumping, her body moving, feeling exhilarated... when likely her brothers in arms would be feeling drained, scared, maybe even experiencing some whiplash. Maybe the main character purposefully hangs her shoulders and slows her breathing so her unusual reaction to violence isn't noticeable, and you could show the readers that it's a real struggle to pretend not to be feel animated.

I wonder too if the main character is always the first one to volunteer for a potentially life-threatening mission. Maybe she's the one unafraid to make hard choices in the midst of a battle. Maybe she would rush back into the thick of things without a moment's hesitation. Because I could imagine her brothers in arms seeing these actions that she takes and thinking she's pretty heroic for risking her life for the good of others!

I do think eventually that the main character would have to open up to someone about her love of battle, which wouldn't be telling necessarily if the conversation was written well. Characters talking about themselves to others is still an action, rather than the narration passively telling the readers something. But then again, it depends on how long you imagine this story being. In a novel, this would be a necessity. In a short story, the conflict likely can remain solely in the main character's head.

I also will direct you to a webcomic I like that has as Blood Knight character in it who is one of the good guys but still loves fighting. It's called Hyperdriven and the character in question is Adelaide, a bird-like alien who always takes the violent option. This webcomic is really well written and does a great job of showing rather than telling, so you might find it to be a source of inspiration when writing your story, despite the medium being different.

I hope this helps!

Thanks! That helps a lot!

Yay! I'm so glad I could help! : )

That character description helps a lot, because there are definitely guys like that in real life.

The thing about people like that is that they’re self-destructive. Guys who leave the military and need that next adrenaline high do stupid and dangerous stuff, they alienate their friends or ruin their marriages when they always decide to go back for another tour even when they say they won’t. And even if they love the adrenaline there’s nothing that makes the guilt from killing another person go away.

You can show the destructive effects her behavior has on her life, which is an easy way to drive home her unhappiness without outright saying it. Maybe she pushes away a friend or family member who wants her to get out of the business, or something like that.

In addition to some of the above advice:

If she feels the conflict on the battlefield, it might help to show that, including description of the emotions that she feels.

I imagine, for example, her finding herself in a situation in which there are people who she could help—but doing so would take her away from the action of battle. You might describe her heart going out to the people in question—even as an insidious thought describes how gloriously exciting the battlefront would be. She might remind herself of what sort of person she wants to be. I imagine her standing there, tense and hesitant, looking to the people in need, but half-turned towards the battle. Her muscles are tense, straining under the forces trying to pull her in two different directions. In the end I imagine that she decides to help those people—forces herself to choose that way, to run in that direction, even as her blood calls to the battlefield behind her.

I'd prefer to go with the more subtle route. You've said that she doesn't have PTSD, however, she does feel guilt for her actions which means that she can still differentiate from right and wrong. Perhaps she won't have nightmares in regards to what she's done because she simply does not fear violence, but you could still have her have stuff like relatively low self esteem which leads to stuff like sleep deprivation. And the only reason she even gets any shut eye is due to sleep medicine or knockout gas; regulated dosage so that she could still awake in dire situations.

On a sidenote, checkout Kerei Kotomine from the anime Fate/Zero. He's similar to the character that your building in the sense that they both enjoy bloodshed(he actually enjoys depravity in general); he was born with this mental defect. However, due to his upbringing - he was raised by his father, a priest - he knows exactly how to differentiate from right and wrong. He understands perfectly well that what he enjoys is wrong, and in fact he fell to a state of mental depression because of this. He pretty much sees himself as a blight to humanity. I'm not actually sure if what happened to him is something you'd go for because it doesn't end pretty. Well, the fate series in general is pretty cynical. Regardless, you might wanna check his characterization anyways.

I meant to post this a long time back but a good possible Show, Don't Tell option is how other people respond to her. Soldiers alternatively praise or fear her while neither gets any closer than they can help. The common folk keep their distance or look at her in horror if she's covered in blood of her enemies, that kind of thing. Or have her express her War Is Glorious feelings to the wrong person.

You can always use internal monologue to express her self-loathing, especially if she's consciously thinking about hating herself for what she's done. I don't necessarily think that describing what a character is actively thinking counts as Show, Don't Tell, especially since women are generally more aware/expressive of their emotions than men. And if the character you mention is the main character, it's more or less OK to occasionally describe their exact thoughts.

edited 24th May '18 8:13:20 PM by Adept