Fifty Shades of Grey, the Film of the Infamous Book

They did the Paranormal Activity deal with a demon. Sacrifice some blokes now and then in exchange for crazy wealth.

Wife talked me into watching this god awful piece of trash (she hated it too). Vent time:

Holy shit. This movie has a very special talent. It made two hours feel like ten years. I think this is the worst movie I've ever seen. Seriously, I don't think I've ever seen such a movie as pointless and stupid as this.

First off, we have characters with zero chemistry, and a female protagonist as interesting as a doorknob. She's even more dull than Bella, and we're given zero reasons why Grey gives a shit about this nobody. At least Bella had a supernatural reason.

It takes a fucking hour for the sex. A movie that has an entire story about sex wastes half the screen time with inane talking, more on that later. By that point I was so pissed off, I wasn't even turned on anymore. Also, it's R rated, but we can't see pussies and dicks?! And all the sex scenes were vanilla missionary sex in a dark room...in a movie supposedly about BDSM.

Character interactions were garbage and sound like they written by a virgin who has never had a single date or any interaction with another human at all. Characters talk about nothing. So much pointless chatting. Ana is supposed to be a virgin, but damn, the girl still went through college. She should know a little bit more than a junior high schooler. And when I say zero chemistry, I mean zero chemistry. Chris and Ana went together like oil and water. From their first horribly awkward conversation, I could already tell it was gonna suck. However, most movies that have an awkward intro at least have the decency to introduce character development, and slightly less awkwardness. Not this movie. From open to close, they are just as awkward.

"What are butt plugs?" Bitch, figure it out! Also, there was half a scene dedicated to you using generic Google.

What was with all the sexy assistants anyway? Is the implication that he fucked all of them at some point?

The plot also goes nowhere. Literally nowhere. They spent the entire movie bickering over that damn contract that makes her a slave. Then she decides not to. That's it. It took two hours for Grey to ask a woman out and get rejected. And the ending was exceptionally lame. He already hit her with a riding crop and a flogger. But a belt was just too far?!

And all this was overlooking Christian's stalker and abusive tendencies since I pretty much expected that. I was not expecting such a train wreck though. This movie made Twilight look worthy of an Oscar.

edited 30th Jun '15 10:53:46 AM by washington213

I hope you have a very trashy movie of your particular taste that your wife is going to have to watch. Turnabout is fair play, as the actress said to the bishop.

Hmm, maybe Dragonheart 3. Then again, we saw Dragonfyre a couple months ago so maybe we're even, lol.

One more hole to poke in the plot; how does a girl go through 4 years of college without having sex once? She clearly wasn't saving herself for marriage. Her parents didn't seem sexually repressive, in fact they seem to not give two shits. Not was she exactly little Miss Innocent since she goes bar hopping with her semi-promiscuous best friend. You're telling me a bar hopping twenty year old girl in college never got laid?!

Depends on the college, and on one's own personal priorities.

Apparently the author had a Q&A on Twitter... and it wen't EXACTLY how you'd expect. My favorite thing said was "is there a safe word we can say to make you stop writing this drivel?"

I want the highlights of that shit.

Lit-high.

edited 30th Jun '15 7:58:08 PM by Tuckerscreator

3? I only remember there being one sequel to Dragonheart.

There's a second sequel now, in which Ben Kingsley voices the dragon. It actually seems rather decent.

Someone in the hash tag mentioned the books being homophobic? That's the first I think I've heard of that one. Anyone able to tell me about it?

In the books, is the "fifty shades" saying ever explained?

Not that I am aware of. Unless the writer was really aiming, as some have suspected, of actually writing fifty novels in the series.

Though I have tended to dismiss that as an utterly nonsensical notion, I wasn't prepared for the sheer amount of money this dreck has made at both the box office and home media.

The term "fifty shades of whatever" pops up rather frequently in James's prose, and in Christian's line "I'm fifty shades of fucked up" in the movie.

Ladies and gentlemen, we could have sequels! Horrible, horrible sequels!

So he's a Card-Carrying Villain too?

No. He's a safe-word ignoring piece of shit who most real doms would prefer to stay away from their kink as he is actively dangerous.

Just like his creator, only she's female.

He didn't ignore a safe word. Ana was just too stupid to use it.

No. He ignored the very CONCEPT of safe-words. That's a dom's duty if he or she is doing their job properly - to instruct a sub all about safe-words and slow-words so that they, the sub, don't get hurt.

And since the "writer" did exactly the same, a lot of her readers think it's okay...

Or people who like bondage in general.

Correct, now, there are all kinds of different doms (some who are very agressive and some who, for a lack of a better word, are 'passionate'? I guess? ), but a dom that foregoes the entire concept of a safe word is not a dom but a monster.

I think the '50 Shades' thing was intended to give Christian depth if its meant to be figurative. Grey refering to Christian and the 50 Shades being different 'perspectives' or 'sides' to his character.

Issue is, he only has one shade and its damn near black.

Did the '50 Shades' from Christain's POV get pulished? I... *ahem* went to my first sex shop the other week and was horrified to see an entire section devoted to 50 Shades but it looked like their was a book from Christain's view. I didn't even consider touching it, but if someone has soiled their eyes so we don't have to, I'm curious if it tries to paint him as divine orgasm itself or if it horribly horribly falls flat on its face.

Let's just say one of the scenes from that POV book has him give Ana a mental red checkmark when he sees her wearing jeans instead of skirts, as "I like them accessible". That should give a pretty good idea...

edited 5th Jul '15 10:23:18 PM by Tuckerscreator

Yeah, he's even more psychopathic.

Hell, one guy on Youtube has even pointed out that Grey actually uses the same methods to woo Anastasia that cults use to recruit cultists.

Yep. E.L James has published this:

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/grey-e-l-james/1122036118?ean=9781101946343

The Fifty Shades trilogy as told by the safe-word ignoring... thing, let's say, himself.

edit

I've posted this before, but I think it bears repetition.

http://imgur.com/gallery/K2FfK

If Hannibal Lecter, of all possible literary characters, can be convincingly argued as being LESS of a psychopath than Christian Grey, there's something wrong in the state of Denmark.

edited 6th Jul '15 7:06:37 AM by TamH70

It's barely even an exaggeration. Christian has literally no positive characteristics, outside of being rich and handsome.

Is the safe word thing from the books? They introduced a slow and a stop word in the movie and simply never used them after their introduction scene.