Writing Realistic and Varied Grief

I don't need help, per se, for anything particular. This is just a thought that came up in my mind that I thought worthy of general discussion among writers.

What brought up the thought was reading a couple of news articles about the recent death of a child and how what looked like an accidental death now has investigators looking at both of the parents as suspects (primarily the father). You may have heard of the specific case - if you want to discuss it, take it elsewhere, since this thread isn't actually about the case. It's a death/suspicion of murder case like many we have seen before. There is some evidence against both parents, but one of the things I saw brought up in the news was "the mother's reaction" to hearing that her child was dead.

Neighbors/people in general, apparently didn't think she was crying enough.

This brought up a memory of some blog-threads I've seen about the "Dingo ate my baby" woman from the 1980s and how (she was acquitted by the courts, I think? based on the actual evidence) but was "GUILTY!" in the public eye because she didn't react with "enough crying" or theatrics, like mothers/women in general are "supposed" to react to losing their dears in the movies.

This brought up in me memories of some of my own grief-reactions and those of people I've known/met.

Bad news doesn't always bring theatrics and hysterics. No, not even in those of us who usually have them. I'm prone to panic attacks and tears when bad news comes my way, but when *really* bad news comes my way, sometimes my reaction is different.

I recently had to put my cat to sleep. When going over the decision with my fiancee/hubby over it, I cried, but not as much as he did. My reaction was having my nerves fried, throwing up ALL OVER the vet's office (when my nerves go, my stomach follows), and demanding to go home to "do something" to distract myself. A couple of days later, I very calmly picked up the cat's ashes. Later that week, my guy actually told me that I needed to "cry it out" like he had because my stress reaction was more under-the-surface internal and was lingering and making me paranoid. I told him that I *couldn't* cry it out, nor could I force myself to - that I had to let whatever my bipolar-brain wanted to do to ride it out because my brain doesn't work like a normal brain.

I can also recall never having cried at a funeral. Every time someone in my family has died, I got out my stress and anger and by the time the funeral came around, I was calm. The day my beloved maternal grandmother died, I happily went to work because I'd actually *been praying FOR her to die* because she was in a state of being whereby if she had been a cat, she'd have been given the treatment the aforementioned cat got. I just wanted an end to her suffering (and to how it was tearing my family apart).

I recently read a fan fic in one of my videogame fandoms that portrayed possibly the most realistic reaction to grief I have ever seen in fiction (and certainly in fan fiction): One character, not being able to do anything for his fatally-wounded twin, allowed those in charge to handle it while he finished the task he had already started when the sh*t hit the fan, operating on autopilot. — Said fanfiction was a cathartic piece written by a person who was mirroring something that had happened in their own life and their own reaction.

What I'm saying is... In most media, we seem to have come to expect the "usual" reaction to tragedy - to the point that if someone in real life who is in the news doesn't display "grief classic," they are *immediately* suspected of evil, even if crying and wailing isn't *their* grief-reaction. Some people have brains that are different and/or different switches that get thrown in the brain when bad things happen. Some people, do, in fact, "just go numb," some "throw themselves into work or another distraction," some people just fly through the stages of grief and are accepting of the situation more quickly than others. Some people lose their religion, some people find it. Some people are in a situation where "there's no time to think about this, I've gotta survive" — (certainly the latter in some of my stories).

Some people are just so shocked (especially at the death of someone very close or a child) that the "numb, no tears" is actually the kind of reaction that probably should be expected.

So, how do we fiction-istas bring more realism to this subject in our stories? Fiction has a way of influencing life, and I think I'd like to see more of the "alternate reactions to grief" than the usual tears/screaming/obvious instant-depression.

Discuss - in your own fiction and that of others. (I may reply later to speak of my own works).

Oh boy, grief. I hate how hysterical crying or dramatics is somehow the "right" way to show grief.

In Moonflowers, my female lead counts the days since her parents went missing, and she also leaves offerings for their spirits since it's been months and they might be dead. (They're both alive, but one is cursed and the other is unable to leave the spirit world.) My male lead is also subtle about his grief—he keeps to himself and he hasn't gone out nearly as much as he used to.

edited 5th Jul '14 11:53:15 AM by Sharysa

If you want more realism it seems like the only way to do that is to write them grieving in different ways. There is no automatic solution here.

I'm kind of tired of the "didn't cry enough" thing myself. Sometimes you just flat run out of tears or the ability to cry. Plus the world and what you need to do day to day doesn't stop just because other people are dead.

Counting the days and leaving offerings... I like that.

I have one original story where someone actually comes back to life, and because it's a decade after the fact, actually messes up the "Having moved on" thing for his family and community. Not sure that counts though. Link only by request, as I don't think it's a great story and don't want to get ripped to shreds over it.

One of my fairly recent fan fictions dealt with grief in an interesting way, when I look back on it. It was "what the situation warranted" and what the characters warranted. Pitiful is a Kid Icarus fan fiction that's half tragedy / half comedy. The game series' protagonist Pit is killed (by a human) in the first chapter. The Goddess Palutena does respond by weeping, but mostly she responds by using the more destructive properties of light and destroying a city. Dark Pit, meanwhile, is a combination of angry, rational and worried about his own health (canon reason for the last one). After the initial sad parts are out of the way, Fun with Reincarnation ensues.

That's just one thing I did that I remember off the top of my head as having some varied grief-responses in it.

Another fanfic I've been working on more recently seems to have me giving the characters Tragic Keepsake s and being raring for revolution. Different situation. *Shrug.*

So true, another thing is that in some cases such as watching a friend or loved one die of a terminal illness or from an injury that left them with no hope of being able to lead an actual life outside of a hospital bed you might actually feel relieved that their pain and suffering is over now. Granted you're not gonna be doing huzzahs and handstands as obviously you're going to miss them and remember a lot of the times you both shared before their illness or injury left them that way.

Also in the case of a terminal illness you most likely expected that eventually they would die from it. Even if you were hoping against all odds that they would make a slow but full recovery, in the back of your mind you knew what was really going on. This helps to lessen the blow.

Plus people's brains react differently to news of a loved one dying. While some people just completely break down and cry, for some It's probably hard for them to really process at the immediate moment as they're trying to make sense of everything going on around them. For some their brain for lack of a better word just goes on autopilot. Finally some decide to step up and take charge. They realize that somebody needs to be the one who sees to it that things get done. Somebody needs to be the one who makes the funeral arrangements, calls the friends and relatives, and handles whatever legal or financial matters need to be handled.

Just because somebody isn't crying as much as others doesn't mean they aren't grieving just the same.

edited 7th Jul '14 2:42:14 AM by codytheheadlessboy

Don't just show your characters crying a lot. Show them going through all the stages of grief. And not necessarily in order either... Have a character get angry at the world (or the killer/one responsible for the person who died/etc.), have them deny it until reality comes to bite them in the ass, have an older character be somewhat indifferent to it (especially if the death was from a sickness or ailment) but not because he's an emotionless doll but because they knows it's the natural order of things, don't have a character cry immediately (someone breaks the news, they're shocked but not necessarily shaken, but they start balling after a memory or just later on), have a character feel empty or like something is missing (Hey, Yves! You didn't wash...the dishes...), and more and more. People have different ways of showing grief, and utilizing that to your advantage can make the impact that much more effective. (I'll wash the dishes, Yves... Just for this once...)

A few times in my life, when there's been difficulties/a tragedy, I'm able to keep it together for most of it. Once we've gotten past the roughnest patches, however, that's when I fall to pieces.

About 8 years ago, my grandma died (the family had known she was ill for a while at this point, so we were prepared). During the funeral, I managed to keep myself under control, despite others around me being sad. Once we got back to the hotel, however, I just lost it, and spent nearly 2 hours crying my eyes out. Apparently, my mom's the same way: When one of her co-workers passed on, she didn't really react to it until a couple days after his funeral.

There are also lots of little, irrational things that most people tend to leave out or gloss over, probably because it's hard to translate into writing.

My brother died two years ago in a motorcycle accident, and after a few months I realized that I can't see motorcycles on the road without an instant, knee-jerk "HIM" thought flickering through my head. At first it always made me sad or angry, but after a year the edge has gone off and it's just "IT'S HIM—wait, no, he's dead."

Or sometimes I listen to a song and then little snippets of a conversation we had (about that song or a related topic) will shoot into my head.

And this obviously varies by belief system and burial method, but we had him cremated and the urn is in our living room by the altar. About every week or two, I make an effort to consciously say "hey bro, I miss you." Not necessarily Talking to the Dead, just acknowledging him.

As someone mentioned before, grief isn't necessarily going to be unimaginable pain for the rest of your life. Life doesn't stop just because someone died, even if it's someone you love.

edited 21st Sep '14 8:25:32 PM by Sharysa

I was trying to think of a really good example to show how a "lasting grief" was portrayed well in media, and I came to a sort-of realisation that a character who exhibits most of the feelings and traits talked about in this thread is Kenny from Telltale's The Walking Dead.

[IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO SEE SPOILERS STOP READING NOW, I'M GOING TO TALK ON WHAT COULD BE A GOOD FEW]

When his son is dying to his bite, Kenny is in denial that nothing can be done for him. Short of making him face up to the hard truth with persuasion skills or beating him up, he won't let you make him think about his son's imminent death and tries to focus on driving the train, almost a metaphor for throwing himself single-mindedly into his work.

At several points in both season 1 and 2, Kenny is shaken by something random that reminds him of his son Duck; The starved boy in the attic, a few lines here and there in reference to when he was alive, but most poignant for me was when he accidentally called Clementine "Duck" at the lodge, and how saddened ashamed he feels about the outburst.

He gets a little into what you call "grief classic" when Sarita dies, but plays it very angry with heavy helpings of self-pity to boot. He has an entire speech in the tent during episode 4 that shows how the weight of his grief has broken his mind and made him depressed. He doesn't start bawling and screaming, he just shuts down and stares blankly while he talks to himself about how he deserves or wants to be dead in place of others. His angry rant to the protagonist when Sarita is dead or bitten is what I would call "grief classic done well"- the person accusing somebody of 'not being sad enough' should be the person worst affected, and should be irrational, because the accusation itself usually is. His first reaction is blaming her for not saving Sarita, being downright spiteful and cruel when you try and apologize, though his later depressed state shows he didn't really mean to take it out on her, he just lashed out without thinking because he was so stricken with grief.

The final part is Kenny's compulsion, which can be applied as something to compare/contrast to people's coping mechanisms for grief. Kenny in season 1 starts drinking whatever he can find and becomes a little bit of a dead-weight until the endgame, showing how depression has made him apathetic and reluctant to keep going and surviving. In season 2, poor Kenny gets even worse, as shakes the drinking problem but becomes violent and angry. He takes pent up anger and stress out on anyone who lays a finger on those he cares about; he caves Carver's head in with a crowbar in episode 3, does the same to a walker in episode 4, abuses the hostage Arvo in episode 5 and unless you stop him refuses to stand down in the stand-off at the ski-lodge in episode 2, resulting in Alvin's execution. In the words of another character Jane "one day he caved some poor kid's skull in and found he could sleep at night." (badly paraphrased).

[SPOILERS END HERE, YOU CAN TAKE OFF THE BLINDFOLD NOW]

Kenny shows a character who has directly dealt with huge amounts of death, and was ultimately broken by grief, leading to his unhealthy mental state and hair trigger personality.

My key piece of advice would be to explore how a character (or real person) who is affected by another person's death copes with their grief. If they feel guilty, how do they assuage their guilt? if they are angry or frustrated, how do they calm down? It's up to you to write a coping mechanism you think is true to your character, whether it is healthy or unhealthy and whether it works or fails in both short and long term.

Now that I'm peeking into this forum again after a dog's age and I've found this old thread still active...

... I'm wondering if I handled things well in a zombie story I did. I did a Zombie Fic for Super Smash Brothers that, despite being mostly having a dark humor undercurrent, actually did have some scenes I tried to make genuinely sad and characters taking the Dwindling Party in different ways.

I tended to give Link and Samus "Must stay focused" reactions. They drove the survival-bus and insisted on driving to keep their minds off losing their best friends. When Samus and another character lost someone they considered "family" in a heroic sacrifice situation, they got angry and vengeful and were blood and glory zombie-slayers. The Pokemon Trainer took to catching wild Pokemon and naming them after the fallen. Zelda was more "I'm going to hug/heal people and do Hylian prayer rituals." Some characters became more protective of the people they were already protecting. And so on.

I wrote crying, but, mostly... I wrote the weird stuff.