Nuclear War: Letter of last resort

Inspired by this Wikipedia article, tell us what you would write if you were the Prime Minister of the UK writing the letters of last resort for Britain's nuclear submarines in the event of a nuclear war.

You can be as serious or as non-serious as you want.

Personally, I'd leave four different letters of last resort, and depending on which submarine(s) were on duty, any of these events could unfold:

• Wait and see if it's possible for civilisation to rebuild itself. Try to survive the nuclear winter. I wish you good luck.
• Fire all nukes at Silverstone Circuit. I hate that track with a burning passion.
• Initiate the human instrumentality project.
• Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect £200.

Make sure that the language of the country that initiated Armageddon was only spoken in Hell.

Make sure that the language of the country that initiated Armageddon was only spoken in Hull.

(not sure which is the worst of those two options)

Find a nice spot in the South Pacific, park up the sub and use it's reactor to power the mommy and daddy of all Swiss Family Robinson treehouses and start repopulating the planet.

Fire all ze missiles! Target does not matter anymore.

Remain at sea as a privateer until the reactor's fuel runs out. Upon that happening, fire all ze missiles.

Surrender to the first group of people you find. Then fire all ze missiles.

"Don't fucking do it."

Nuke Italy. Get revenge for the Roman Invasion.

"OUR LAST WORDS ARE BACKED WITH NUCLEAR WEAPONS!"

edited 28th Feb '14 6:37:26 PM by Pyrite

GASP. this is the perfect time to break out my apocalypse playlist.

(Yes, it's in development. At least now it is)

Captain, I trust you are familiar with Jules Verne's Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea.
My last order to you is for you to become a modern-day Nemo. For your boat to become a nuclear Nautilus. Be a shadow on the seas, a terror on the oceans. It may be too late for us to win, but you will ensure that whoever dared to challenge us will know their mistake and pay a bitter price. Carry out your quest of vengeance in the knowledge that you will be the final agent of our nation's justice.

edited 28th Feb '14 7:21:46 PM by Catfish42

AND MAKE IT STEAMPUNK THEMED!

"Pick a neutral country, wait for everyone to use all their nukes, use yours to broker a peace in favor of your favored country. The nearest is Ireland, and you can't choose Switzerland because it's landlocked."

Fire nukes at everything, but leave pieces of advanced technology for the remnants of civilization to find and turn Earth into the best steampunk RP ever.

For a serious one...

"What I was supposed to have done has failed. Your judgment is better than mine, use yours as to how they should be used. You are officers of the Royal Navy, officers and gentlemen to the letter. Do as you feel you should, it is your honesty and honor I trust, and this will be the last measure I can make in this office for Her Majesty's government."

A silly one...

"Ride one as you fire it to Moscow. And before you do, sign this Deed Poll changing your name to Major Kong. Please? <3"

Nuke Hoboken New Jersey.

Mmm. Nuke Wisconsin, in case Loki and Bartleby are still there.

Part of me would be tempted to try and somehow set it up that opening the safes would cause Caramelldansen to blaze out of the safes at 150 dB.

The temptation to leave a large pile of pornography in the safe would also be extremely tempting.

Of course, I am referring to the album by The Cure. The tone of that record would be really fitting for a nuclear apocalypse.